Chapter 17
Evan
Forgetting To Regret
A/N - This may seem a little bit like an ending, but it's far from it (: I still have a few chapters or so up my sleeve. Also, I have a new novel up called "Miles Away" and I'd really appreciate it you could possibly check it out! As always, thanks so much for the reads, comments & votes (:
“Dad, this is shit. I can’t deal with it all anymore,” I whispered into the air.
I was sat in the grass amongst the familiar tombstones lined up in crooked rows around me. The night was deep black and hid the names of beloved lost ones and their quotes on the cold stone. I picked at stray blades of grass with nimble fingers while I absentmindedly continued a conversation with my silent father. The one way conversations always seemed to soothe me at my darkest hours.
“She was the only one who understood what I was going through. Now she thinks I’m some jerk who doesn’t care about her. I mean, I know I’m a jerk, especially after what happened with…me and you…” I trailed off, roughly throwing a blade of grass into the pile before me.
It was times like these that I really missed my dad. I could deal with the baseball games as a kid where he wasn’t in the stands, the missed bedtime stories at night, not being able to eat his famous pasta with meat sauce, not hearing his laugh, or even his blinding charm with others around him. I could deal with him not being here for those moments. But I most certainly couldn’t deal with not having my dad here to guide me. My mom was always telling me how much she loved me and was always there to talk if I really needed it, but it wasn’t the same growing up. A guy couldn’t exactly ask his mom what was going on with puberty or how to ask a girl out without getting coddled.
A boy needs his dad for moments like those. And moments like these were the most important.
“I don’t know what to do about it,” I sighed agitatedly. “I want her to trust me. God, I want to trust her,” I breathed.
I felt lower than low when I left Bailey’s house earlier tonight. She needed someone to give her comfort, someone who knew exactly what she was going through. I was the one who was supposed to be all of those things for her and I failed her. I failed her just like I had failed everyone else in my life.
My dad was the most perfect example.
“Do you think I should try to talk to her?” I asked, staring his tombstone in its center. “She probably wouldn’t even answer my calls,” I mumbled, shaking my head. I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and let out a breath. I really needed to figure this out.
“I really wish you were here right now. You’d probably tell me to man up and blame it all on myself so she’ll take me back or something,” I smiled small. “Do you think she’ll even try to forgive me?”
I stared off behind his stone for so long that I’d lost track of time. So many scenarios of how I could apologize and what I would say to make it better ran through my mind. Every time seemed to end the same, with her still hating me and me wallowing in my own self-pity. She needed to understand why I couldn’t fess up about the things of my past. She needed to know that I needed her as much as I knew she needed me.
Off in the distance was the faint sound of crickets chirping softly. The wind around me was picking up and I kept having to throw my hair out of my face to keep it away from my eyes. I found myself wishing I could talk to Bailey as easily as I could talk to my dad. She would understand things so much easier if I could. She would get why I thought so low of myself, and she would see that I actually do care so much about her. I never cared about someone else so much in my life and it quite frankly scared the shit out me just to think about it.
It was safe to say that I was falling in love with that little redheaded spit fire.
“Dad, what do I do? Give me a sign of something that’ll help me out here,” I begged, racking my brain for more things to do or say to make this all right again.
Here I was, a twenty one year old man, crying to my dead father about a girl I loved who clearly didn’t love me back. To any passerby, I’d look like a pathetic piece of shit.
My phone chose this time to beep quietly, mixing with the faint sounds from the hidden creatures in the bushes. I pulled it out slowly, knowing it was probably just my mother, wondering where the hell I was atfive o’clockin the morning. She wouldn’t rest until I was home, even if I was considered a legal adult.
As I unlocked the screen, Bailey’s name popped up and my eyes widened. My heart pounded in a way I’d never felt before, and I felt myself being scared but incredibly happy that she was at least making the effort to say something to me.
‘I’m willing to give you another chance to explain yourself. If you’re willing to fess up, meet me at my house tomorrow morning around 10.’
I reread the text message more times than I should have and wondered what made her change her mind. When I last said those stupid things back at her house, she honestly seemed like she was done with me for good. I thought I’d never be able to see or talk to her again and it was officially over. The fact that I was actually getting another chance made me the happiest I’d ever been. And I couldn’t help but wonder if this had something to do with a sign from my dad.
I looked up from my phone and trained my eyes on the stone in front of me. “Thanks Dad. I couldn’t do any of this without you,” I smiled.
I got up from the dirty ground and brushed off the back of my jeans briefly. Before I made my way back to my car, I tapped his stone a few times with my fingers in praise.
“You watch out for me so much, Dad. Watch out for little Greg too, please. He needs you far more than I do.”
At that, I made my way back to my car and headed for home for the night. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I knew I was seeing Bailey in less than five hours. My brain was already trying to figure out what would happen. But, as my mind wandered back to that text, my heart sped up a little bit.
This would mean that I finally had to own up to everything. I would have to let her know what happened with my dad, and why I felt like such a jackass all of the time. I would finally have to let her in. People just don’t get second chances everyday. I had to do this if it meant that I was getting her back, I had to.
This was going to the hardest day of my life.
*****
The whole night I lied awake in my room, not being able sleep a wink just like I had expected. I cleaned a few things up and ate a ton from the kitchen until it was time for me to shower and get ready to see Bailey. I left my house atquarter to ten, starting the car and heading for the Keys’ mansion.
The entire ride over, I was sweating through my white collared shirt and wiping my palms consistently against my jeans. My heart was beating a mile a minute in my chest, warning me that this wasn’t my time to say anything. Meanwhile, my mind was telling me that this was the time to fess up to everything. If my heart wanted Bailey, it would need to shut the fuck up and let me talk when I stepped up those stairs.
I pulled up the paved driveway, taking a deep breath before shutting off the engine and getting out of the car. I tapped my fingers nervously against my leg as I walked up the pathway to the cheery wooden door. I knocked three times as slowly as I could. While I waited for her to answer, I kept playing with my hair and making sure my clothes were in place so I looked presentable.
I was shocked when an unfamiliar woman opened up the door and gave me a shocked look back.
“Who are you?” she questioned, raising a blonde eyebrow. She was dressed in a purple silk robe, her arms across her chest.
I swallowed loudly. “Um, I’m Evan. Who are you?” Shit that sounded really rude. She didn’t even know who I was.
“I’m Mrs. Keys. This is my home. Why are you here at…” she checked her watch briefly. “Ten in the morning?”
“Bailey…she uh…told me to come over,” I stuttered, wringing my hands nervously.
“Oh,” was all she said, her eyes trained on me, taking me in. Her eyes widened for a moment before she said, “Please do not tell me you are the thing that made her cry last night.”
I widened my eyes at her remark and looked everywhere but her. Shit, did Bailey tell her about our fight last night? Was she going to kick me out of her home before I even got to see her?
“Uh, I might…have been,” I mumbled, choosing not to lie to anyone anymore. This was my time for a change. I might as well start with her mom.
“Of all things pure and holy,” she sighed. “Why would she want to see you after you made her fall apart the way that she did?”
I gulped and racked my brain for something to get her on my good side. I didn’t want to risk being kicked out before I could tell Bailey everything I had to tell her. I knew last night was going to haunt my ass.
“I uh…” I started, but was cut off with that all too familiar voice from behind Mrs. Keys.
“Mom, I didn’t fall apart,” she sighed. I grinned when I saw her come out from behind her mom and she looked at me. “You’re early.”
I nodded in agreement. “I know. Just didn’t want to be late.”
She rolled her eyes and pushed her mom lightly away from the door. “Mom, I have this under control. You can go finish making breakfast for Dad.”
She eyed me suspiciously for a moment before walking towards the kitchen. I looked back at Bailey expectantly, hoping to see some kind of sign that she didn’t hate me.
“Let’s go up to my room,” she said, gesturing for me to follow her upstairs. She was dressed in a pair of denim shorts and a pale yellow shirt that hung off of her shoulders. She was notorious for wearing shirts like that, and it made her look all the more beautiful to me.
She closed the door behind us before she sat down on the edge of her bed, giving me the same expectant look that I had just given her downstairs. This time though, I knew she was expecting me to talk. I took a deep breath and wrung my hands for the thousandth time that morning before starting.
“I’m so sorry about last night,” I started, eyeing her carefully. “I didn’t mean to say any of that shit.”
She glared at me. “You already said sorry. You’re here to tell me other things I don’t already know.”
“I know,” I sighed. “But I need to know…do you forgive me?”
“I can’t give you an answer to that question until you start telling me what you supposedly can’t,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.
I closed my eyes briefly while I took another much needed deep breath. You’re doing this because you love her, asshole, I kept telling myself. I opened my eyes and looked straight into her gorgeous hazel ones. God I really hope she forgives me after all of this.
“My dad died in911,”I started.
“You already told,” she went to cut in, but I raised a hand to stop her.
“I know. I’m just…starting from the beginning. Give me a chance.”
She widened her eyes at my firm hold on the conversation and nodded slowly. I took it as my queue to continue.
“Before all of that,” I sighed. “We had gotten into a…fight. I told him I hated him because he took my favorite truck. I didn’t clean my room like my mom told me to, so that was my punishment. This is why I feel like such an asshole when I talk about myself. I never saw him again after that. That was the last…the last…thing I said…before he died,” I said in a rush, closing my eyes to take it all in.
My mind flashed back to that morning and I felt my heart squeeze viciously. I never want to think about that.
“Evan…” she breathed. “You were only ten. You can’t…”
I cut her off again. “The only reason I want to actually re-live that day is because I want another do over. I want to say ‘I love you, Dad’ instead of ‘I hate you.’ But I…can’t,” I said, my voice strained.
“You can’t blame yourself,” she continued. I opened my eyes to see her giving me a look of pure concern. My arms ached to reach out and wrap my arms around her, but I wasn’t sure if she’d allow me to do that just yet. I most likely wasn’t forgiven.
“I can though!” I yelled, throwing my hands in the air angrily. “You don’t get it, Bails. Your dad’s still here. Mines not! I can’t take it all back! The last thing I said was ‘I hate you!’ That’s a pretty fucked up way to say goodbye!”
“But you didn’t know!” she fought back. She got up off of the bed and walked in front of me. My head was ducked in shame and she lowered herself to look into my eyes. “You didn’t know,” she breathed.
“But if I would have,” I breathed.
“You didn’t know,” she repeated. “There are no buts in this situation.”
”Just…this whole situation…my life…pisses me off,” I scoffed. My eyes were still trained to the floor, but Bailey remained standing in front for me.
“Why does it piss you off?” she questioned quietly.
“Because I can’t change what I’ve done! Day after day, I’m an idiot with the decisions I chose to make! I let every person I’ve ever known down. Hell, the only reason Aaron’s still here is because he knew what I was going through and he had sympathy for me!”
“Then why not let anyone in,” she urged, grabbing onto my arms tightly.
I finally looked up at her before I spoke up again. “Because it scares the shit out of me! I hate talking about how I feel. I’m not some poetry snob who can easily spew shit out, making it sound like a damn song. It’s not easy for me to say this stuff to you, don’t you get that? I’m doing this because I love you and I’m fucking scared you’re going to leave just like the rest of them. But at this rate I wouldn’t blame you for the rotten shit I’ve done!”
After the rant was finished I took a deep breath and raked a hand through my hair roughly. It froze in mid air when I realized all of what I just said and I was immediately frightened. My heart pounded uncomfortably in my chest as I figured out what to say to make her not freak out. I looked up into her bright hazel eyes, noting how wide they were as she stared back at me.
“You…” she started. “Love…me?” she asked, pointing a finger from myself to her.
I swallowed roughly and merely nodded my head. I knew I was going to regret telling her all of this. I knew I was going to ruin it by saying something I knew she probably wasn’t ready to hear. She didn’t even feel the same way as I did, and I already ruined it all.
“You,” she started again, her voice at a normal level this time. “Love me?”
“Yes,” I mumbled, scared as to what else she was going to say. She repeated it like she couldn’t believe I was saying this to her. Hell, I probably scared her from this relationship…or whatever it was, for good. I was so good at messing things up for myself that I deserved an award.
“Wow,” she breathed. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Me neither,” I laughed nervously, sticking my hands in my pockets. I was dreading what else she was going to say. She was definitely going to kick my ass to the curb after all of this, I knew it.
She stayed silent for what felt like ages and I was literally writhing in anxiety. If she was going to deny any feelings for me, I’d rather her do it now and save me the time of freaking out.
“Say something,” I urged, my voice covered in nerves.
“I just wasn’t…expecting you say that. I mean, I was expecting you tell me to eff off and never ask you to fess up about your past. God, even that was surprising that you actually opened up to me,” she breathed, tucking a red strand of hair behind her ear.
“Surprised me too,” I noted, watching her with careful eyes.
“I can’t believe you blame yourself for all of that, Evan. You need to know that you were a kid and you can’t blame yourself for saying something like that. You didn’t know he was going to leave. You know full well that if you knew, that would not be the last thing you would have said.”
I nodded. “I know. I just…wish it could have been different. I’m sorry for taking so much out on you this whole time. I didn’t mean it in the slightest. All of those things I said…” I trailed off.
“You didn’t mean it when you said ‘I love you,’” she quipped, raising an eyebrow at me.
“No! I meant that! I mean, yes I love you. I just didn’t mean to say it right now,” I mumbled the last part. I couldn’t meet her eyes after that. I still didn’t know how she felt about this whole thing.
“Then why did you say it?” she asked, hands firmly placed on her hips. She was determined to make this so hard for me.
“I don’t know!” I yelled, throwing my hands in the air again. “I was frustrated and it just…came out.”
She nodded her head slowly. “I’m happy you told me,” she said.
I raised my head quickly as she smiled lightly at me. “Happy I told you that I love you, or happy that I told you about my dad?”
“Both really,” she grinned, coming closer and placing her arms around me tightly.
I quickly followed her actions and wrapped my arms around her lower back. I rubbed my thumbs gently against the small amount of skin showing underneath her shirt. I felt a warmth spread through me that I wasn’t used to in the slightest bit. But I knew it was something I was ready to get used to.
“Does this mean that you…” I started, knowing she knew where I was getting it. She still hadn’t told me how she felt and I was still writhing with anxiousness at what she was thinking.
“I love you too, Evan,” she whispered against my shirt. I smiled widely at her confession and pulled her away from my chest.
Before she knew what I was doing, I leaned down and placed my lips against hers. She smiled into the kiss as she kissed me back, running a hand through my hair. She pulled against the end, just like the last time we shared a kiss and I growled in approval into her mouth. I was in this state of happiness that I’d never experienced before.
“Thanks for not leaving my ass when I did so much to you,” I said as I pulled away from her lips, unwillingly. I didn’t want to stop, but I really was happy that she didn’t leave like everyone else in my life, and she needed to know how much I loved her for it.
“I was going to at first,” she said, making me frown.
“You were?” I asked, my arms still wrapped her waist.
She nodded. “Yeah, but someone told me it was better to give people second chances. You already had like three, but I figured I’d try one last time,” she smiled, playing with the ends of my hair affectionately.
“Well I need to thank this person for changing your mind,” I grinned back, fingering the end of her shirt with my fingers. I lightly grazed her skin and noticed her skin covered in tiny goosebumps.
“You can thank her,” she breathed, looking over a picture placed on her bedside table. I squinted at the picture, noticing it was two girls. One was a familiar redhead and another was a blonde girl, who looked to be a little bit older than the former.
“Who’s that?” I questioned, trying to figure out who she was.
“Lanie,” she whispered, staring longingly at the picture.
“How did she…” I went to ask, but she shook her head and kissed me briefly.
“That’s something for another day. Right now, I’d rather you just kiss me,” she smiled, pulling me back down to her.
“Yes mam,” I grinned, meeting her lips with mine quickly.
We continued making out for most of the morning, not letting things get too far with us just yet. I relished in her closeness to my body and never wanted to let her go. She would never understand just how grateful I was that she decided to stay. I could finally have someone who understood what the death of a loved one was like. I finally opened up to someone other than my best friend and my mother and it was an amazing feeling. All I could think as I kissed her was how much I actually loved her and how much I owed my dad for his guidance through this.
I realized I could do this without him here. I could be happy for once and not blame myself for the stupid shit I’d done in the past. If I could open up to Bailey, I could finally open up to those who I pissed off in the past. I could live life without regretting every move I made.
I could do this. I could conquer this.