I sat back against the wall, looking out of the window at the little stream that ran through the field beside our house. It was calming. Alice In Chains was playing from my stereo, Zach laying on my bed, his feet in front of me. I looked over to see his eyes were closed. I didn't think he was sleeping though. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard him clear his throat, and began moving his foot in a sort of tapping way.
"What do you want to do today?" His deep voice startled me. I looked over to see that he had moved his hat over his eyes. I scowled.
"I don't know...," I replied dully. "School's gonna be starting soon." I sighed angrily at that thought. "Let's do shit that I won't be able to do as much once that shit starts." But then again, I also felt like doing absolutely nothing so that time would go incredibly slow and it would take forever for that Hell to begin.
"Mm.. like drink?" He suggested slowly, a smile tugging at his lips. I snorted lightly and shrugged, but then realized he wasn't looking at me.
"I guess," I replied unsurely.
"Well you just tell me when and where," He breathed as he stretched his arms up, exposing a good bit of his stomach. I couldn't help but look, swallowing nervously.
Zach and I seemed to be getting closer as time went by. We had yet to kiss again, though. My stomach warmed every time I looked at him, though, and I couldn't help but smile to myself when I thought about him... He was confusing me though. Some days he would be affectionate towards me, happy to talk to me, all that bullshit; and other days he would pretty much completely ignore me. I was beginning to feel the need to say something to him.
I glanced across my room to see Killian sleeping under my dresser. He was beginning to barely fit under it anymore. He'd gotten big fast. After watching him for a couple more seconds I looked back at Zach to see that his hand was down his pants, scratching at his crotch. He had a very displeased look on his face. I couldn't help but laugh to myself and look away.
"I am bored," He announced once he was done scratching himself. I rolled my eyes slightly.
"Yeah, I can tell," I muttered. His hat was still pulled over his eyes like he was trying to go to sleep. Suddenly, with a groan, he sat up and looked at me, his eyes squinted slightly from the light. He gave me a snobby looking grin. I shook my head and frowned at him.
"What is wrong with you?" He asked in a very exaggerated way. I couldn't help but laugh lightly. He smiled and grabbed the back of my neck, shaking it gently for a moment. I was happy that today he'd decided to pay attention to me.
I grabbed Zach's hat from his head and noticed that his hair was extremely greasy. "Ew," I said, giving him a disgusted look. "You need to learn how to take a fuckin' shower."
"That is why I was wearing the god damn hat," He retorted, ripping it from my grip and placing it back on his head. I needed to take a shower as well. They got too repetitive, and I lost interest in washing myself quickly. "I suppose you are correct, though," he said through a yawn. "I do need to shower." He sat there for a moment before standing. "I will do that now, actually. Maybe it will wake my ass up a little..." He stretched his arms up once more with a groan and turned to leave my room. When he reached the door he stopped and looked back. "Are you going to join me?" He asked, one of his eye brows raised. My stomach dropped. Was he serious?
"W-well.. uh," I stumbled over my words. He let out a loud laugh.
"I am just kidding," He snickered before leaving my room and shutting the door behind him. I was left in wonder. Did I want to join him? Not really... The thought of seeing him naked made me quiver slightly. Not only that, but the thought of him seeing me naked made me want to throw up. I was always so self conscious of myself. I groaned quietly and gripped onto my hair, feeling drained emotionally. I didn't know what to do with myself.
I liked Zach, I really did. But I was so confused because the thought of doing anything sexually with him made me... kind of disgusted. Yet, I was deeply attracted to him, and when I looked at him sometimes I could feel myself getting turned on. I wasn't sure if the idea of being with him was more appealing to me than actually being with him. Perhaps my feelings of attraction towards him were something else entirely different. Or maybe I just knew it was sick and wrong, and that's why it disgusted me so much.
I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes, trying to let Lane's hypnotic voice take me somewhere far, far away from my room. It worked for a little bit, until Zach returned, crashing into my daydreams. I immediately sat up and turned to look at him. He was wearing the same shit that he'd been wearing before he showered, but not his hat. His hair was wet. It looked neat and stringy in the front.
As soon as he stepped in front of me to grab his cigarette pack from my nightstand, a nice smell of pine hit me. I loved the soap that he used... It made him smell like a forest in the winter time. He plopped down on my bed beside me and lit his cigarette. "Where is the ashtray?" He asked, smoke flowing from his mouth as he spoke.
I looked around for a moment before I realized it was resting on my window sill. I handed it to him and he grinned at me, pulling one of his legs up onto my bed, his knee nearly touching his chest. As he was taking a deep drag in, there was suddenly a knock at my door. I saw his eyes widen as he turned his head towards my window, blowing the smoke out my window at the same time as he smashed the end of his cigarette into the ashtray.
"Dylan?" I heard Claudia's voice from the other side. My door knob turned and she opened the door. She looked happy until she saw Zach as he tried quickly to hide the ashtray behind his back, smoke still flowing from the end of his half smother's cherry. "Zachary!" She breathed. "You know better than to smoke in the house!" She scolded.
"Yes, Mutter, I am sorry," He said with a low tone, looking a big annoyed. She shook her head slowly for a moment before continuing.
"Well, since you are in here as well, I was hoping you could run into town for me. I have so much house work to do, I just do not have the time," She explained, sounding tired.
"Sure, Mutter, we can do that." Zach had pulled the ashtray from behind his back and was putting out his cigarette the rest of the way. "What is it you need?"
"Oh, a couple items at the grocery store," She told us. "I will give you money and a list."
"Do you want us to go now?" I asked, eager to get out of the house suddenly.
"If you like," She said indifferently and turned to leave. "Let me go get the money and such." Zach and I exchanged looks and he grinned.
"I will pick up some beer on the way back," He said, looking down at his almost broken cigarette. He picked it up and started stretching the crinkled end with his fingers. "I almost broke this shit," He complained. I laughed lightly and stood up.
"Ready?" I asked. He nodded and we both left my room and walked downstairs. I slipped on my shoes by the door as Zach went into the kitchen to get the money and grocery list from Claudia. Then we both exited the house, and I shut the door behind us.
<<>>
I stared at my bottle of Lion's Head. It was half empty. I'd gotten so used to drinking hard liquor with Zach, that I could drink a whole beer and only be buzzed. It was nice, because I loved the taste of beer. I looked at it like a refreshing unsweetened beverage.
We were hanging out in Zach's room for a change, maybe because his bed was a little bigger. It was also nice to know that we didn't have to worry too much about being quiet because his room was next to Abby's, not Claud and Deron's. "What is wrong?" Zach suddenly asked.
"Nothing, why?" I asked in return, looking over at him. He shrugged and took a swallow of his beer. It was his third one.
"You look unhappy," He said, frowning slightly. I gave him a crooked grin and shrugged one shoulder.
"I'm okay." I was getting a little down, though. I kept running it over and over in my head how I could possibly bring up our feelings towards each other. I was so confused, I just wanted to know how he felt about me. I took a sip of my beer, hoping alcohol would help me muster up the courage to talk to him. But I didn't want to be drunk when I talked about that shit. I wanted his true, sober feelings to come out...
After about maybe twenty minutes of sitting around listening to music, I figured it was time to talk to him. He was almost done with his fourth beer, and I knew soon he would be a bit drunk. "Hey...," I said awkwardly, looking over at him, my head low. He raised an eye brows and nodded to me.
"What?" He asked when I failed to talk after a couple seconds. His voice sounded very harsh for some reason.
"I- uh... I really want to.. talk," I finally spit it out after stumbling over my words for a moment. He frowned, probably already knowing what it was I wanted to talk about.
"What is there to say?" He asked before taking a sip of his beer. I noticed his leg beginning to tap.
"Wh-...," I began, swallowing nervously. "Why did you kiss me that day?" I finally managed to spit it out. A hard look came over his face, his jaw clenching. There was an awkward moment of silence. I didn't know if I should ask again or not. Finally he let out a long breath and put his beer down on the dark, wooden floor.
"Because..." Zach paused. "I am not sure what came over me. I have these strange... urges, I guess you could call them, towards you." He bit his bottom lip quickly, not looking at me. I was studying his face the best I could. "I have never felt this way for someone of the same gender," He admitted, his face screwing up in slight disgust. I knew it was hard for him to talk to me about it, but it needed to be done. "You really began to grow on me.. and," He sighed. "Here we are." He finally turned his gaze from the floor over to me. I nodded slowly. "I just can not run from it any longer." There was a long silence.
Zach looked away again, down to his hands. "It seems so wrong... but I am beginning to no longer care," He said, glancing at me again. Then he smiled briefly. "I would like you to say something."
"I uh... don't know what to say," I replied, cracking my knuckles in a nervous way. He scowled forward.
"Well, seeing as how I just spilled everything out to you... I would appreciate it if you would tell me your side," He said slowly. It sounded like he was trying to keep calm. My feelings about him? I wasn't too sure myself.
"I-I don't know, Zach...," I replied quickly. "Every time I look at you, or I'm around you, I just feel... weird." That sounded mean. "N-n-not really in a bad way!" I rushed to make it sound better. "I mean. I've been thinking about it ever since it happened, and I'm just fucking confused. I don't know what to think or do," I told him. He nodded slowly.
"Do you like me...?" He asked, still in the same tone. "I know it sounds immature.. but... I.." He groaned slightly and stood, running his fingers through his hair. I was lost for words once more. I felt really bad.
Zach suddenly turned and stared at me for a moment before stepping forward until he was in front of me. I frowned slightly, not sure what he was going to do next. He leaned down so that his face was very close to mine, his hands resting on the bed to either sides of me. I looked into his eyes finally to see that he looked angry. Slight fear rippled through me for a moment. Was he about to hit me or something?
I surprised when pretty much the opposite happened. Our lips met once more. It was much softer than the last time. It was nice and I felt the familiar twist of my stomach. Heat seemed to flow from my stomach, through my crotch and all the way down to my feet. We parted shortly after it began but this time neither of us ran away. He lifted his hand and placed it on the back of my head, our foreheads resting against each other's.
"I can not run from it any longer," Zach breathed and I looked up to see his eyes were closed. I found myself, once again, unsure of what to do or say. Soon he pulled away from me and sat down, this time closer. I grinned lightly at him and scooted back on his bed so that my back was against the wall. He looked back, a sort of longing on his face.
"Come here," I invited him, my voice shaking slightly. I could feel my heart beating in my head. I was so nervous, and I still wasn't sure if I was doing what I really wanted to. He grinned and slid back so that he was beside me again. He gently slid his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. I allowed my head to rest against him. It felt good... to have someone holding onto me.
"You do not know how much I have been longing to touch you," Zach said quietly, rubbing my arm. I grinned softly and closed my eyes, my mind racing. Why the fuck did I feel so uncomfortable!? I'd been longing to touch him, too!
"Yeah?" I asked stupidly, feeling a little awkward. I was also starting to feel slightly sick. Neither of us moved for a while. "What do you want to do now?" I asked quietly. I felt him shrug before removing his arm from around me.
"Are you okay?" He suddenly asked. I looked over to see he looked very worried. I nodded with a frown and he gave me a crooked grin. "Calm down," He said quietly and moved forward to pull me against his chest. He wrapped his strong arms around me. "Everything will be just fine." I could hear his heart beat. It was fast, so he must have been nervous as well.
I just hoped that everything would be just fine...