Chapter 12 ― Louis
She liked someone.
That wasn’t supposed to bug me, but it did. It fucking did, and very much. I walked behind her, my eyes glued on her and my mind going crazy. Who was he? Where did they meet? Why did she like him? And Joy was right, someone who didn’t like Havi back had to be stupid. Fucking stupid. She was great, she was sweet, she was cute, she was beautiful, funny, witty, she was caring, she was a good friend and I knew all this when I barely knew her. You didn’t have to be a genius to know she was pretty incredible and whoever this idiot was, he was missing such a great girl. That damn lucky idiot. He was lucky enough to have someone like Havi liking him and he didn’t correspond her feelings. Idiot.
And I was jealous.
Nevertheless, I wasn’t accepting I had a crush on Havi, I was jealous because she… because him… ugh, I couldn’t explain it, I just knew that if I had someone like Havi like me, I would be damn happy. I would love to be with someone like her without having to worry about anything else, but even if I wanted it, I couldn’t have it.
If some day there was this slightly possibility that Havi and I could have something, now it was clearly impossible for something like that to happen because she liked someone else. Someone who wasn’t me. I never realised how much I wanted to be that someone till that moment.
Was it wrong from me to want her to like me even if we couldn’t be together? Even if I could only offer her pain and hatred from our fans?
With every step I took, I grew angrier and I kept telling myself that it was stupid to feel like this, that I didn’t have the slightest right to be angry, but I couldn’t help it. I hated that even in the case I did like Havi –which wasn’t the case–, I couldn’t even fight for her. Plus, I didn’t like the idea of picturing her with another lad, someone who could hug her whenever he wanted, someone who could go out with her to get coffee without getting themselves mobbed, someone who could bring her only happiness and nice things, not a bunch of angry and dangerous teenage girls. I hated that I couldn’t be that guy, not only for Havi, but for any girl out there. However, it annoyed me the most that I couldn’t be that guy for her, for the girl who was walking with her arm folded with Joy’s, her curls bouncing with every step and even if I couldn’t see it, I knew she had her beautiful smile on her face.
Okay, maybe I did have a little crush on her, but that didn’t matter nor didn’t make a difference, because she fancied someone else –a stupid unknown boy I officially hated for being an imbecile– and I couldn’t be with her. I couldn’t ruin her life like that. She was great, she deserved the best and I couldn’t give her that. If I tried something, I was only going to hurt her and that would make her hate me, but never as much as I would hate myself for hurting her the way I hurt Eleanor.
I saw as Joy and Havi got into the cute silver Volkswagen New Beetle, both smiling and laughing at something I wanted to know. I got into the van and sat next to Harry who immediately noticed how lost in my thoughts I was.
“You okay, mate?” He asked patting my shoulder just to bring me back to reality.
I shook my head before answering, I didn’t want to say something that might put me in evidence. If I told them I had this crush –I still didn’t like to admit that, but I couldn’t lie too myself any longer–, they would encourage me to go after Havi, to steal her heart and cheesy things like that, and I couldn’t afford to do that. In fact, just accepting this crush in my mind was going too far.
“Nothing, I was just thinking of this contest and all those calls,” I told him. It wasn’t strictly a lie since I had that on my mind too, it wasn’t just the main thing in there.
“You sure?” He asked and I knew I wasn’t convincing him. It was hard to hide something from my best mate who knew me almost better than I knew myself.
“Yeah, like that call from the girl whom we helped to go through her mum’s death. That’s absolutely incredible. It makes me so happy that we can help that way,” I commented just to reassure him that everything was fine. That call I was talking about really made an impact on me and most certainly I wanted to know the girl from such a touching story.
“I know there’s something else you don’t wanna tell me. Why?” He asked in a whisper because Liam was paying us attention. Niall and Zayn were busy talking about what we were going to order.
“It’s okay, Harry. You don’t have to worry about anything,” I said with a smile. I didn’t want him to worry about me and most certainly not about this.
My love life had been an issue for all of us since Eleanor and I broke up. First, they tried to convince me to win her back, but I couldn’t keep hurting her. Then, they tried to coax me to move on, date a new girl, but I totally refused to that. Then they tried to keep my mind out of the whole dating thing. They were always worried about me, about how I was dealing with everything and if I was ready to move on. They believed, especially Harry, that I couldn’t just shut myself out to the opportunity of going out with a certain girl just because I was afraid to hurt her; but they didn’t understand what was it like to see the girl you loved so much so broken and to know that it was because of you. I couldn’t go through that again.
“Is it about Havi? Maybe you didn’t want her to come but I thought that–” I raised my hand to cut him off and just shook my head. That didn’t bother me in the slightest, in fact, I was positive that the whole just co-workers thing was just bullshit, and I knew from the very beginning that the only thing we could ever be was friends. That I accepted I had a crush on her didn’t mean I was going to expect something else; I still knew we could only be friends.
“Harry, it’s okay. You did well, if we’re gonna work with them for this whole month, we have to get along and hanging out with them is a great idea,” I said in my most cheerful tone.
He still didn’t fully believe me, but he accepted one thing and that was that I wasn’t going to tell him what was bugging me that night, so he let it drop and soon we joined in on Zayn and Niall’s discussion about what we should eat.
Soon we were in our complex and Joy’s car was following us the whole time. We talked to the security man to let them pass and after the van dropped us there, we waited for the two girls to park and join us. As soon as I saw Havi I remembered everything, because somehow I managed to put everything related to her aside during the drive to the complex, but seeing her eyes, her smile, reminded me that I couldn’t have her and she wanted someone else.
My eyes were glued on her and all the boys noticed, I just knew it for the sudden silence that was broken by Joy’s fake cough. “I don’t know you, guys, but I don’t wanna freeze to death here. Can we go inside?” The blonde asked and just then I could tear my eyes away from Havi.
“Right, let’s all go to Harry and Louis’, as it’s bigger,” Liam said and we all nodded. Normally when we wanted to hang out all of us, we did in our flat for the reason Liam pointed at.
We took the lift and I noticed that Havi avoided me. There was always someone between us, if it wasn’t Joy, there was someone else, like Niall, or Zayn whom she talked to a lot, even when we got into our flat. Probably it was because she still thought I just wanted to be co-workers with her. Well, surely I had to let her know that it wasn’t like that anymore.
“I’ll order food!” Niall announced running to the kitchen to see what we already had. Probably he was going to order like fifteen pizzas or something like that.
“Make yourselves comfortable, girls,” Harry said and Joy and Havi smiled politely. Before the brunette could go talk to one of the other boys, I grabbed her arm and stopped her.
“Can we talk a bit?” I asked her looking for her eyes, but she avoided my gaze.
“Yeah,” she mumbled still evading me.
“In private,” I pointed out and I saw her gulp. What was wrong? Was she afraid to talk to me? “It won’t take long,” I promised hoping that would make her agree to talk to me.
“Okay,” she finally said in a sigh and I led her to the balcony, but first I made sure to grab a blanket we had in our sofa for when we watched movies till late.
“In case you get cold,” I told her handing the blanket she took with a little smile. I knew the boys and Joy inside were wondering why I took Havi away and later I would think of a way to explain that to all of them. Or maybe I wouldn’t do that.
We stood there in silence for a few seconds and she wrapped herself with the blanket. As I saw her cuddling in the fabric, I just wanted to surround her with my arms, be her shield from the cold. I got lost for a moment looking at her, at how the tip of her nose started to turn red due the cold, or how she looked so small with the big white blanket around her shoulders. I could get lost looking at her.
“So,” she said extending the O for a couple of seconds as she rocked herself on her tiptoes. “What do you wanna talk about?”
“Oh, right,” I mumbled shaking my head to clear my thoughts. “I know you might be confused about all this. I know I told you that–”
“We should keep our distance. Strictly professional. Yeah, I remember,” she said cutting me off, her eyes cold and severe. “And you’re right, I’m confused.”
And pissed off, I thought as I could see how mad she was in her tone. I fidgeted with my fingers nervously and looked away for a couple of seconds. “Yeah. Sorry about that, but I was thinking these last couple of days, you know,” I told her still nervous. I knew she was expecting a good explanation and I wanted to make things clear for her, but I felt lost for words and really awkward.
I was in the middle of a battle between what I should do and what I wanted to do and it was damn difficult to explain that to someone when you didn’t even know which side was winning. Apparently, considering that I was there to tell her I didn’t want to label us just as co-workers, the side with what I wanted was winning.
“What did you think about?” She asked and I didn’t want to see her like that, mad at me for confusing her. I wanted her to smile, to be happy, to be always bright. That was one of the reasons why I couldn’t let this little crush go beyond that, because it would cost her happiness and that bright and beautiful smile would disappear.
“That the whole just co-worker things might not be such a good idea,” I blurted out and saw how she arched her eyebrow. “I mean, if we get along and we have fun, we don’t have to limit things to just a professional aspect. If we can be friends, that’s even better,” I tried to explain but I felt like I wasn’t being clear enough. She still seemed a bit confused.
“What about your fans?” She asked and I sighed deeply. That was the biggest problem here.
“I still think that you both will probably receive hate from the fans and a lot of gossip will be spread if you’re seen with us, but soon that gossip will die. As soon as they realise we’re just friends who are working together, right?”
“Just friends who are working together,” she repeated and maybe it was me trying to see a reflection of how I felt in her, but it seemed like she wasn’t pleased with that statement. “Okay, just friends,” concluded Havi with a not-so-honest smile and, for some reason, those words felt terribly wrong.
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Dedication @NicoleNazario because we were talking yesterday and she asked me for this as she's my number 1 fan (her words) <3
Bel, xx