Radio Interview (Louis Tomlinson)

Chapter 8 ~ Louis

Chapter 8 ― Louis

Why did that hurt so much?

I knew I was doing what was best for her and for me, because it wasn’t okay for me to care so much about her, but the nightmare kept haunting me, tormenting me with so many what if’s. I didn’t want her to suffer because of me, I didn’t want her to get hate from our fans and most certainly I didn’t want her to hate me. I shouldn’t care so much for someone I barely knew, but I did and I couldn’t bear it if she hated me.

As I took her hand and looked into her eyes, all I could wish was for her to refuse. I wanted her to tell me that she wasn’t okay with just being co-workers because I was too cowardly to tell her I didn’t want to be just that. I wanted, at least, to be friends with her. But if I wanted to protect her, that was all I could get, all I could be.

“Then everything’s fine,” she said and maybe it was me and my stupid wish of her disagreeing with the statement, but it seemed to me she wasn’t okay, that her smile wasn’t real. Maybe I was seeing things that weren’t there, but my heart wanted her with a broken smile because she didn’t like this just like I didn’t. It sounded weird and kind of mean for me to say that, but it was the truth. “We should go back, the lads are waiting for you,” she added but she didn’t let go of my hand. Not that I wasn’t trying to do that either. I just liked the way her small and oh-so-feminine hand felt in mine, I liked the softness of her skin and that tingling sensation on mine.

“Yeah, we should go already,” I agreed with her but I didn’t make a move nor did I let go of her hand, on the contrary, I started stroking the back of her hand with my thumb, my eyes gazed into hers.

What was so appealing about her? Why did she drag me into her like this? I couldn’t look away; I was simply trapped by the warmth of her soft eyes. Even if I knew I should put distance between us, I couldn’t just ignore her. Even if I tried to do it the whole morning, I was all the time conscious about her and where she was. If she was looking at me, if she laughed, if she smiled, I noticed it even if I avoided her eyes all the time, even if I tried not to pay attention. I just couldn’t. I found her fascinating.

Maybe time extended whilst we were there, me holding her hand and both looking into each other’s eyes; or maybe it didn’t, but it felt like it.

My gaze went down for a couple of seconds focusing on her lips and I felt this urge in the pit of my stomach to lean in and just kiss her, taste those full and so beautifully shaped lips, but, what kind of co-worker would do that? I couldn’t give in to an impulse that would make everything more complicated.

I forced myself to look her in the eyes again and I pushed back the urge to kiss her. It wasn’t okay, it would never be okay. I promised myself that I would never expose a normal girl to what Eleanor had to go through. Never. Havi was a normal girl, what she had was precious and I wasn’t going to jeopardise that with any impulsive behaviour.

With that in mind, I stepped back and let go of her hand. I immediately felt the absence of her touch and I wanted, desperately, to grab her hand again, but I just put my hands in my pockets and looked away. “Let’s go,” I said still avoiding her eyes because I was still feeling all conflicted. A part of me wanted to forget about the promise and jump into this feeling towards Havi, all the things she made me experience; but there was that other part of me, that part that had to grow up when Eleanor and I broke up, that responsible part that kept telling me I had to back off. For her sake.

I heard the door open and soon her footsteps followed that noise. I breathed deep before walking after her in the recording room direction. I looked at her walking in front of me, her hands in the pockets of her hoodie and her head low. What was she thinking? Did she notice what I was about to do in that small room we were before? Maybe she did and now everything was going to be more awkward between us.