Warning: self-harmful acts occur throughout the chapter. If these topics are sensitive triggers, I recommend skipping the first part of the chapter until you reach the third '***' somewhere (make sure not to go to the second one or you'll land directly on the scene.) if you're okay with reading this, then I want you to remember something. : )
Remember that you are beautiful. You are fierce. You are a fighter & a survivor. You are you, and you own that shit like the boss ass bitch you are. You're amazing for it.
Anyone who tells you differently can choke.
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Chapter 29
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I had always been able to understand reasoning. Even by the worst people, I was able to somewhat understand why they had done what they did.
But, as my father stood in front of me, his eyes weighed down with lies, I couldn't understand. It hurt to even try.
I don't understand this.
"Kimberly, I'm sorry," my father apologized for the thousandth time tonight.
His apology went through one ear, and was roughly pulled out the other. All of this time, I assumed my mother had cut all ties from me, but that wasn't true.
He hid it from me.
"Why would you hide them?" I whispered, my eyes damp. At some point, I stopped wiping them away.
My father reached over to touch my hand, but I snatched it back. My eyes flickered up to catch his expression dropping.
"Ryland and I thought that it wouldn't be good to put this pressure on you, not when you've been doing so good lately," he attempted to explain. "We didn't want to compromise it, sweetheart."
My hard stare fell on Ryland, who stood next to my dad.
"You knew this?" I asked slowly, my anger punching the roof.
Ryland's expression fell from the guilt. I watched as his eyes descended to the floor, answering my question.
I stood up, the chair scraping against the ground. "I can't fucking believe this."
"Kimberly, we need to talk this out," I heard my dad call out behind me. "Please, come and sit."
I shoved my hand across my face, aggressively smothering the tears. "Why? It looks like you and Ryland have it all figured out for me anyway, right?"
Slamming my door, I sunk down into my bed until my head hit the pillow. I closed my eyes, trying to swallow down the tightness in my throat.
They lied to me.
For the years I had been living with them, I was told that my mother didn't want any type of communication with me. I knew there was a restraining order to protect me from her, but I felt so conflicted. I was confused on the fact that I still wanted to speak to her, despite the fact that she treated me like the shit on the bottom of her shoe. Maybe we could have reconnected, maybe we could have spoken to each other over the phone and began a relationship.
Or maybe I was only accepting the love I thought I deserved. The one that was never there: my mothers'.
Regardless, due to the lies my family told me, all of those years were wasted now. Even if I would have ignored her, even if I would have talked to her...it was my decision to make. They weren't the ones to endure what I had, and no matter how badly they tried to erase it, it was mine to handle.
It hurts so much.
I hugged my blanket close, as if it could disguise the world from me. If only it were that easy.
I stared off into the darkness for what seemed to be an enternity. Through the walls, I could hear Ryland and my father talk and bicker, obviously about me.
I squeezed my eyes shut as another round of tears fell over my cheeks. The pain was close to unbearable. The reality of what happened sunk and tore right into, and right through my heart.
Another sleepless night.
***
"Just focus on getting better, baby," Celeste spoke through the phone, her voice honeyed with concern.
I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "Thank you," my voice was raspy from crying, which made it easier to play off as a sickness.
After our call ended, I clutched my phone tightly. I held on like my life depended on it, considering to call someone before I went through with this. Anyone. But, then I remembered.
No one really cares.
"I'm the crazy one," I muttered as I stared at my sheets, tracing the aging scars along my wrist. "I guess so."
I was home alone. My father left to work hours ago, and so did Ryland. It was a Sunday morning, a very doleful one, at that. Neither of them attempted to speak to me; they were realizing their faults, I guess. But, as I stared at the razor blade, I knew that they should have thought twice about leaving.
I hadn't done it ever since I moved in with my brother and father. They knew, and thought that I was finished, as I had too. I was a happy girl to them. But, it was all fake.
As fake as everyone else around me.
God, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to revert to my old habits, but it was too hard to break a cycle.
My mother's voice, her treacherous memories.
It was too hard to deal with it on my own. No one else would understand my situation, nor would I try to make them to. For as long as I could remember, I had taken care of myself emotionally, and that wouldn't change now. But as the years went on, it grew harder. I was caught in a spiderweb, a very powerful, painful tangle.
The woman who birthed me. The woman who watched my first breath, who was supposed to be my unconditional love. The woman who used to hurt me until she saw the signs of blood. The woman who had dragged me through the dirt, and spit on me to finish it off.
She called me. Long gone was my anger for her, instead replaced with the possibilities of a relationship or a something between us. But, perhaps it was too late. My own father and brother decided it better to hide her attempts, rather than trust me enough to handle it on my own.
Fuck. And, just like that, the the anger returned with a spark.
Then came the sadness, and that unbearable bitch was never one to be anything other than ruthless.
Worthless.
I shut my eyes tightly, as if it would create a defensive shield around me. As if it could prevent the pain from reaching me. But, I knew that wasn't true; it never worked before.
I wasn't strong like everyone else. I was deadweight.
The blade sunk into my wrist, slicing across my skin so casually. I bit my lip as the blood began to trickle down my skin, trailing across old scars.
Fucked up.
The words were low, even though I knew no one was home. I recited every name, every insult and trickle of pain and trauma, and felt each one blend right in with each cut.
This was how it went. Once the blade touched my skin, I never felt the pain in the moment. It was more of releasing it that brought me back to the circumstances every single time.
By the time I finished, my arm was now smooth with blood, the scars terribly reopened and freshly shaded. I knew that the pain would follow up soon, but right now, I was high off of my own discharge of emotions.
Waste of space.
I glanced at my thighs; the one place that had gotten the worst of it all over the years. My tears continued to linger across my cheeks, despite my red hands repeatedly wiping them away.
The pain was beginning to seize me without warning. I ignored it, gripping the blade so tight against the skin.
After the last cut, the blade fell from my fingers. It hit the ground, my heart following right behind it. The sobs racked my body under my own circumstances, the sound loud and pitiful.
I laid in bed, my wreck of a mind beginning to open up, ever so slowly. As I stared at my bloody sheets, my bloody clothes, my bloody soul, the same question taunted me.
What had I done to myself?
By the time I pulled myself to my bathroom, I knew it was just a matter of time for Ryland and dad to come home. I clutched the sink, my hands damp with both sweat and blood as I struggled to hold my body up.
Somehow, I managed to make it to the bathtub. My body went underneath the water, flinching slightly at the cold water. Usually, I would wait until the water slightly heated, but not in these circumstances.
I cleaned myself, watching as my blood mixed with the clear water. Even after I washed all traces from my breakdown, I still knew this was pointless. Everything was pointless.
I would never be clean.
***
Raven pulled me in for another hug, lips in a frown. "I missed you," she expressed.
I smiled, hoping it appeared to reach my eyes. "Yeah, me too."
She pulled away, holding me at eyes length. Her eyes roamed over me carefully. "You sure you're okay?"
No. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I responded, following up my lie with a smile.
"I don't know," she said, grabbing her bag. "You just seem a bit off today, babe."
I shrugged. "Just tired, I guess."
"Well, you better get some sleep before the end of this week," her words were full of excitement. "Once we get to my house, no one's sleeping on my watch."
I nodded. After yesterday, I didn't feel up to being around other people. But, I knew that if I rejected the offer, it possibly wouldn't come again.
"Maggie just texted and said she was here, c'mon." Raven handed me my bag, and I held it lazily as we walked to find Maggie and Jax.
I couldn't deny it. As we walked toward the building, I couldn't help but search for Kade. When I didn't find him, I felt a weight lift off my chest, but then, a heavier pressure weighed me down less than a second later.
Finally, we found the twins.
Maggie nodded at the both of us, pulling off a hoodie and jeans as if she were a supermodel. "What's up?"
"My blood pressure around you," Jax mumbled, though it was obvious he meant to say it loud enough for all of us to hear.
Raven chuckled, casting a glance at Maggie. "Still planning on murdering him?"
"Before Christmas Day, mhm," Maggie responding, shooting a dark look toward her twin.
Jax stood his ground, glaring down his sister, before looking at me with a wink. "You know, Kimberly, we're both hot enough to start our own business, doing whatever. We would probably be better off running away from these two."
I faked a laugh. "Maybe you're right."
"So, Friday night..." Raven's voice became blurred as they all began to talk about our plans.
I was long gone by the time Maggie and I reached the first class we had together. We sat in our usual spot, our conversation cut short once the teacher stepped into the classroom. Thankfully today, she was actually going to teach.
I felt the buzzing of my phone as the teacher searched for his marker. I took the opportunity, reading the message over quickly.
Why does he keep staring at you? The message read.
"Don't worry, that's my number," Maggie chuckled at my clueless expression. "Raven gave me yours."
Oh. After last night, I never wanted to see another unknown number again.
"Who are you talking about?" I asked her, still oblivious.
Maggie nodded her head to the front, pointing without merit. "Grey eyes, brown hair."
I looked to where she was pointing. Once my eyes landed on him, I gulped.
Carter. There he was, sitting sideways in his desk, eyes cast right on me.
"Oh, god," I whispered, cutting away from his eyes.
Maggie casted a glance my way, brows scrunching in confusion at me. "You okay? You're kind of pale."
I swallowed the bile in my throat. I nodded my head quickly, freezing at the feeling of his gaze again.
After his bet failed, I didn't see him at school any longer. For months, I hadn't seen him, so why was he suddenly back now? Shouldn't he be suspended for missing so much school anyway?
I can't fucking think.
I raised my hand, awaiting for our teacher—who had given up on the lecture today— to acknowledge me. Once she turned, her eyes rolled since she figured she would actually have to talk to one of her students.
"May I go to the restroom?" I asked her, mentally cringing as I felt the pairs of eyes land on me.
She shut something behind her desk, pulling out a large binder. I watched as she flipped it open, only sparing a short glance at me.
"You may go once I set your partners," she said, reading through her binder.
I sighed, concealing my annoyance. My clenched fists undid themselves, only to squeeze my knees.
"Alright, since Mr. Walson is back, we will need to rearrange some partners," she muttered, completely oblivious to how loud she was actually being.
I sat still, clutching the sleeves of my shirt. The air supply was limited, and it felt as if I were going to run out any moment now with Carter in the room.
Mrs. Lillian raised her head, motioning her pen to all of the students.
The pen went to Carter first. "Kimberly, you and Carter will be partners," she said. "Now, you may go to the restroom."
No.
I heard her words loud and clear, but I wished I hadn't. I didn't want to even see this asshole, let alone be around him, but being his partner defied all of that.
Fuck.
I need to get out of here.
Hurriedly, I escaped the suffocating room and rushed to the bathroom. With each step, my stress level accelerated to the roof. It's too much.
In my torture, I felt the scars begin to taunt me. They were a nasty reminder of the hell my life was beginning to turn back into.
I decided to head to the bathroom. Since it was almost time for the bell to ring, I could hide in here until then.
"You know, my dad's not going to be home tonight. You should come over."
I froze, right behind the corner between the girls' bathroom and the cafeteria.
Natasha.
By the sulky, unnecessarily seductive drawl, I knew she was talking to a guy. I could only pray that this would be over soon, and I could carry my day on peacefully. I didn't have it in me to deal with her narcissistic self today.
I stood still behind the wall, ignoring her obnoxious voice. I huffed, head against the cool paint as I awaited for her to be gone. Eventually, I heard silence and only silence from the other side.
Finally.
I stepped out, my head down as I walked down the quiet hallway. I just wanted to get there, and away from here. I was only a few steps away, but my peripheral vision held me back. As I stared at the scene in front of me, I wish it hadn't.
I took the silence wrong, that was for sure. Natasha stood there, her front pressed against a guy's surface. Her eyes were closed, arms wrapped around his neck as they kissed, and I watched as her hand trailed down until it gripped his center.
I was to the side of them, which gave me a clear view as to who she was kissing. Bile rose in my throat at the sight though.
Kade tore his lips away from hers, mouth now smothered with red lipstick.
I stared at him, my mouth hanging as the final cut hit my heart.