"SOMEBODY STOP HER!"
"IF SHE PRESSES THAT BUTTON WE'RE DOOMED!"
"I-Ilk, come to daddy, sweetie...!"
"SOMEBODY SAVE THE SNACKS!"
"ILK, NO!"
Inside the Massive, something exploded.
*IZ*
48 hours earlier...
About two years after arriving Ilk mastered the crawling technique and was now bold enough to try getting on her feet. She grew about five inches during that time and her first milk teeth started coming out, much to the dismay or everybody aboard the ship.
The most notable thing was that she could finally eat solid food. Unfortunately for Red and Purple, though, her favorite food was doughnuts. And sugar was apparently strictly forbidden for smeets.
It turned out it didn't only apply to Irken infants, though. Many species through the galaxy forbad giving sweets and candy to children so young due to some 'terrible consequences for health and the parents' sanity'.
"That article say it's a state where children go completely nuts with extra energy-thing." Red said that morning, taking a gulp from his soft drink.
"You mean a sugar rush?" Purple said, correcting him.
"Yeah, that. Apparently kids are susceptible to sugar and they get extra-hyperactive if they eat too much."
"I'm glad not to be a kid, then." Purple commented, and took a whole doughnut into his mouth matter-of-factly.
They heard a familiar whimper and looked down, finding Ilk clutching to her father's legs, trying to climb up.
"How did you get here, little one?" Red asked curiously.
Lately she had figured out how to climb out of her basket, crawl out of the bedroom and find her way to the bridge of the Massive, where she knew her father and 'uncle' spent most of their time. If Red tried locking the door, she'd fit herself into the ventilation system and somehow find her way to the bridge from there.
He'd blame her mom for making her so smart, but he was smart too. O in this case he could tell it was shared, more on his part, of course.
Red picked her up in his free hand, and she instantly climbed unto his arm and then up his head, where she nibbled on his antennae. "OW! Ilk, what did daddy say about nibbling those?"
"Let me lend you a hand," Purple said, carefully grabbing Ilk by the diaper and managing to get her off Red's head without pulling too much on his antennae. Ilk let out a few growls as she squirmed in protest until she saw the donut bag on her uncle's arm; her eyes instantly lit up and she reached out for it.
"No, no, kids can't get doughnuts," Purple told her. "Hey, don't look at me like that, it's your dad's idea."
Red rolled his eyes. "Geez, thanks a lot." He was being sarcastic, of course.
"Okay, how about I take her back to her basket so you can take a break?"
"Alright, just don't give her any." Red narrowed his eyes suspiciously; Purple had the tendency to pamper Ilk a bit too much, particularly in things to which he said NO.
"Alright, mister grumpy." Purple said with a roll of his eyes as he walked out of the bridge and towards Red's quarters.
Ilk's basket was placed on top of a small table. Red didn't place it on his bed because he moved a lot while sleeping, and he was afraid he'd accidentally push or kick the basket off the bed and hurt Ilk.
Purple momentarily placed his bag of doughnuts aside to tuck Ilk into the crib. She had an adorable pout in her face. She already showed signs of her father's personality when things didn't go their way.
"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he'll let you taste one in a few days." Purple assured her.
He caught the scent of cinnamon rolls coming from the kitchen (it was a sort of innate ability: whenever anyone was making pastries, his favorite snacks, he could smell it from miles away, just ask Red), and that was enough to send him into an excited frenzy. He darted out of the room, completely forgetting about the bag of donuts he had placed on the table, right next to the crib.
A few hours later Red hovered into the room, taking some more slurps of his soft drink. When he went over to the basket to check on Ilk, his hold on the drink slipped and it fell to the floor, spilling its contents unto the ground.
The basket was empty, just like the bag of doughnuts next to it.
*IZ*
24 hours remaining...
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO GIVE HER ANY DOUGHNUTS!"
"I didn't!"
"OH, SO THE DOUGHNUTS JUST GREW LEGS AND WALKED AWAY?!"
"There were cinnamon rolls involved! Cinnamon rolls!"
Their subordinates shivered when they heard their leaders arguing, and made sure not to get caught into the crossfire.
Red growled in exasperation and went back to searching the kitchen area. If he knew her well, when she got hungry she'd come into the kitchen looking for more doughnuts.
He was worried. It had been almost a whole day and he had no seen her; she had gotten inside the ventilation system and moved throughout the Massive through there, which made it harder to keep track of her. The 'hyperactivity obtained through the sugar in the donuts-thingy' also boosted her speed considerably.
But hey, in the end he couldn't blame Purple for forgetting the bag. Cinnamon rolls were cinnamon rolls, after all.
"My Tallest, here she is!"
Both Red and Purple rushed over to the cook who had cried out; he was pointing at one of the openings of the ventilation system, which had been pushed open by Ilk.
Speaking of Ilk, currently she was inside chewing on a brownie doughnut.
"Hey, sweetie!" Red called for her, holding out a hand for her. "Come to daddy!"
She growled at him to protect her 'treasure' and continued nibbling on it.
"Wow, she really got your temper!" Purple pointed out, munching a cinnamon roll.
"Seriously?! Are you eating now of all times?!"
"Hey, we've been looking for hours and I'm hungry!"
Red glanced at the cinnamon roll Purple was eating. "Somebody pass me a cinnamon roll!" One of the kitchen assistants grabbed the tray and took it closer to the Tallest, who grabbed one and put it in front of the opening as a bait before moving out of sight and motioning the others to do the same.
Soon enough, when Ilk finished her brownie-doughnut she sniffed the air and found the pleasant smell was coming from the mysterious, swirly-looking pastry outside. In less than two seconds she had pounced on it and ate it. Moment Red took advantage of to catch her.
"Gotcha!" he cried triumphantly, but then Ilk started squirming in his hands like never before, letting savage growls.
"So that's a sugar rush!" Purple said in awe.
Red nearly lost his grip on Ilk, but thankfully he got her back in time before she slipped. "Calm down, young lady! You've had enough candy for one day!"
"What do we do now?"
"I guess we'll have to wait till the effect wears off."
"And how long will it be?"
Red turned to one of the cooks. "How many doughnuts do the bags usually have?"
"Twenty five, My Tallest." the cook responded.
"I ate five the day before." Purple added.
"Great, she ate twenty doughnuts. We'll be lucky if it wears off in a week!"
Purple laughed. "Oh, come on. It's not like she'll have the energy of a hundred Zims, right?"
*IZ*
1 hour remaining....
"Damn it, she has the energy of a thousand Zims!"
Given they couldn't leave Ilk alone lest she escape into the ventilation system again, Red had to put her in a smeet-leash (he got the idea form one of Zim's transmissions, when he accidentally paid attention to him). Ilk clearly wasn't happy with it and was constantly crawling around, tugging at it and snapping at whoever came too close.
She still didn't show signs of the sugar rush wearing off, she was almost like a bullet running around her father, climbing unto Red and biting into his antennae (harder this time), though Purple was also a victim to this a few times since he was constantly eating something; she had already sent him to the infirmary a few times while trying to obtain his snacks. So now Purple kept his distance a bit, at least until she calmed down.
And now that the sweets were out of reach she was nibbling unto Bob's leg to vent off her frustrations.
"Speaking of the terrible two." Purple commented.
"Terrible two?" Red inquired curiously.
"Well, it seems that hyooman smeets get just like this when they turn two Earth years old. That age is referred to as the 'terrible two'."
"How do you know that?"
"I was looking for snack decorations on the intergalactic web, and I casually found the term ."
Ilk eventually got tired of Bob's horrible taste and started crawling around in circles, almost on all fours like that Earthen canid humans kept as pets. It was almost amusing... until Bob took notice of something.
"Um, My Tallest..." he tried to speak.
"Bob, I thought we already had this conversation." Red rolled his eyes, chewing on a donut.
"B-But My Tallest..."
"Tables don't speak."
"But..."
"Don't. Speak."
Bob would have kept insisting, but a part of him wanted to see the event unfold, perhaps out of spite due to the terrible treatment. Oh, who was he kidding, he was dying to see this!
Ilk had moved around her father and 'uncle' so many times the leash had tangled up around them; the moment she made the final pull, Red and Purple were abruptly pulled together with a yell of surprise as the leash wrapped around them in the manner of a rope.
"What on Irk?!" Purple cried out, just as they lost their balance and fell to the ground with a loud thud, calling the attention of their subordinates.
Ilk chewed on the collar of her leash and somehow managed to bite if off. With her newfound freedom she started running around the bridge, successfully dodging all of the hands that tried to catch her.
"Well, don't you just stand there!" Red snapped. "Somebody get her! And untie us while you're on it!"
"I'm feeling something humid..." Purple muttered.
"Don't tell me that when we're so close!"
"Not that type of humidity, I think I fell on top of your drink!"
Before someone could even approach and cut them free, suddenly the ship jerked to one side, sending its crew flying against the wall. "What on irk...?!" Purple hadn't finished the sentence when the ship jerked to the opposite side, again sending the passengers flying leftwards.
Ilk had found the Massive's remote controller and started playing with it.
To whoever doesn't know, the Massive's Remote Controller-or MARC for short(yeah, it sounds like a dumb human name, but nobody could come up with anything better) was a sort of back-up driving wheel in case the principal controls of the Massive were unusable, broken or otherwise. It was made after Red spilled his soft drink on the ship's controls once, leaving the Massive stranded for a week until they were fixed.
To a hyooman it would look like one of those remotes with joysticks and colorful buttons they use to play their 'video games'.
And currently it was in the hands of a sugar-rushed smeet, who was toying with the joysticks and pressing random buttons while giggling.
"NOT THIS AGAIN*!" Purple screamed after crashing against the wall for a fifth time, recalling when Zim had hacked the Massive's powercore. But at least he had known what he was doing; Ilk simply thought the controller was a toy.
If being thrown around the ship like ragdolls was painful enough, being thrown while bound together was the low point. Finally, Red used some scissors from his PAK to cut himself and Purple free, then extended out the spider legs to move over towards Ilk across the wall.
Good thing about the PAK's spider legs: their edges were so sharp they could attack themselves to any surface, even if the surface was abruptly sending things flying.
The only problem was avoiding the crewmembers who crashed against the walls.
"ILK!" Red called out to his daughter in panic. "Don't play with that!"
Of course she didn't listen. She pressed random buttons, firing some of the Massive's weapons and wiping out a considerable part of the Armada. When she noted her father was about to catch her, she probably thought he wanted to play tag, so she quickly ran out of reach, holding the MARC in her teeth.
"Damn that controller!" Red snapped. "Whose idea was it?!"
"YOURS!" Purple cried in reply as he was thrown against the wall, and Skoodge and Bob landed on top of him.
Oh. Well, he'd berate himself for such a bad idea later. First he had to make sure Ilk wouldn't wipe out their armada.
After fifty-five minutes of a cat-and-mouse-like chase around the bridge (time during which most of the crew had passed out and were limply thrown around, and the Massive ended up near the Conveyor Belt Planet), Ilk finally lost interest in the controller and dropped it, bringing the massive to an abrupt halt; Red barely managed to avoid collision with a much smaller, silver-colored ship that flew by like a shooting star.
The crew members were thrown against the visor one last time (Purple, Skoodge and Bob had the bad luck of being at the bottom of the pile) before finally sliding down back to the floor, all groaning in pain, at least those who still were conscious did.
However, Ilk's attention was now set on a bright, flashy red button in one of the main consoles. Instantly the crewmembers who were still conscious panicked, Red included. Not THAT button.
"SOMEBODY STOP HER!"
"IF SHE PRESSES THAT BUTTON WE'RE DOOMED!"
"I-Ilk, come to daddy, sweetie...!" Red cried out, moving over towards the smeet.
Purple screamed. "SOMEBODY SAVE THE SNACKS!"
Ilk was one inch away.
"ILK, NO!"
She pressed the button.
Something inside the Massive exploded.
*IZ*
Red hated to admit this, but sometimes he and Purple didn't have the best ideas.
Just look at this mess: the kitchen, the mess hall and many of the armories were flooded in frozen yoghurt thanks to that little incident with the red button. It would take weeks to eat it all (what? They wouldn't waste it after all the trouble they went through to obtain it!), and many of the crewmembers were still trapped under it. A few had been rescued, but they had to be sent to the infirmary to be thawed.
Why did they put the button in the bridge in the first place? Well, let's say they didn't like to go all the way to the kitchen if they craved for a bit of their frozen yoghurt.
"Too bad we couldn't get irkberry flavor, but it's not that bad." Purple commented, taking a yoghurt spoonful of his bowl.
Red didn't reply; he was too occupied keeping Ilk in his hands, even though she was still thrashing and reaching out for the bowl of yoghurt. "Just keep it away from Ilk, okay?"
"Will you stop acting as if it were my fault?"
"Oh, really?" Red frowned. "Who left the doughnuts right next to her basket?"
"Cinnamon rolls!"
Ilk's squirming was getting uncomfortable; she nearly slipped from her father's grip, but thankfully he managed to catch her back just in time before she could make a run for the yoghurt. "For the love of Irk, when will the sugary-thing wear off?!"
One of the scientists who was casually passing by overheard him, and commented. "Well, how long it's been since she ate the doughnuts?"
"Two days." Purple said casually, with his mouth full of yoghurt.
"Well, in that case, it should wear off in three, two, one..." Almost as if on cue, Ilk stopped squirming (and moving altogether) and went limp on her father's hold, snoring lightly. Red sighed in relief. Thank Irk.
"What now?" he asked.
The scientist explained. "Given that she didn't sleep for two days due to the sugar giving her extra energy, expect her to sleep the whole day."
This time, all the crewmembers in hearing range sighed collectively in relief themselves.
Red sighed, this time out of dismay, and went to his quarters to tuck Ilk into her basket. This time, though, he made sure there were no snacks or sweets near her or within reach, though if the scientist was correct she'd sleep through the day, which gave them about 24 hours of blissful peace and quiet.
Still, he gently stroked Ilk's head as small sign of affection before leaving.
Once she was certain her father was gone, Ilk opened her eyes, took out a tiny bit of cinnamon roll out of her diaper (it was still clean, in case anyone cared) and started munching on it.
*IZ*
*Reference to Backseat Drivers from Beyond the Stars, in which Zim did something similar by remotely controlling the Massive.
NEVER give sugar to kids.
What can I say? This was bound to happen, especially given that the ship's filled with snacks and sugary foods.
See ya till next time!