Okay, for some reason I came up with this while watching a few episodes of IZ, particularly Backseat Drives from Beyond the Stars, and I JUST had to get rid of this plot bunny. It was a bit hard getting used to the humanistic nonsense-driven style of IZ, though, since I tend to write a bit more seriously, but it was worth a shot.
Besides, turns out it's funny to torture the characters in that universe, maybe because they're already pretty tortured by their own creators XDXD.
Enjoy!
*IZ*
Though the rather old-fashioned practice of reproducing biologically and raising whatever smeets came out of the act by hand is often considered retrograde and unorthodox, a small percent of the Irken population still did it. They lived in a separate part of Irk, granted to them by one of the previous Tallest to keep a better population check without mixing up the genetically enhanced smeeterie-made smeets with ones that were birthed in natural form; in this case, the DNA was not as flawless and possessed the normal quantity of possible mutations or defects.
In other words, naturally born Irkens(also known as womb-birthed) were considered weaker.
There were many other unique aspects of birthed smeets. As mentioned before, due to lacking the genetic splicing which removed any 'unnecessary characteristics' these smeets took longer in developing. They could not walk or even talk without being taught, much like other less-developed species. They were completely dependent on their parental-figures for even the simplest needs.
Not all Irkens possessed the long-run patience to go through this.
At least Red thought he didn't.
And yet here he was with a few months-old smeet under his care, brought not long ago in a small, hand-held basket for Irken infants.
Of all the things that could possibly go wrong, this one took the cake. If he had to choose between Zim and the smeet.... No, wait, the smeet was a joycompared to Zim. Heck, even a psychopathic giant spacial squid would be a joy in comparison to him. But that didn't really make him feel better.
And Purple was not helping.
"Coochie-coochie-coo!" He held out a chocolate doughnut a few inches away from the smeet's face, waking it in a playful manner. "Here, have a treat!" Red raised an eyebrow. It was the first time he ever offered a doughnut to anyone. Most of the time Purple would swat Red's hand when he tried to grab one.
The smeet didn't have the expected reaction. Her big, blood-colored eyes just stared up at it from the basket she arrived in, but she made no attempt to grab it.
This let them both know this one was birthed-naturally. That, and the fact she couldn't use the toilet and instead required to have a diaper changed everytime nature's call came in. Besides, she was so tiny (she'd fit in Red's open palm) it would have taken her about a year to finish that single donut.
"Why didn't you tell me you were a daddy?" Purple asked, genuinely curious as to why his friend had hidden such a thing from him.
"I just found out! Come on, you know I was never the ladies man!" Red snapped. It was an understatement, of course, he sucked when it came to courting.
"Then where did she come from?"
"How am I supposed to know? It's not like I could ask the guy who brought her!"
"Well, perhaps if you hadn't thrown him out of the airlock so soon..."
"That's not the point! The point is what I'm supposed to do with that!" he pointed at the smeet, who was currently entertaining herself by nibbling on her own foot. "And how can I really be certain she's actually mine?!"
Purple looked at the smeet, then back Red. "You two look pretty much alike, if you ask me."
"She has the same eye color, it doesn't prove anything!"
"If you want to be certain, you could consult the DNA databases," Purple suggested, munching on the rejected donut. "You know, even if she was born-naturally surely the DNA of both parents are registered."
That was simple enough. Red took out his tablet and scanned the smeet, who stared at the black square-shaped thing curiously, especially after the bright red light passed on top of her. She tried to grab it only to whine in disappointment when she found it impossible
Regardless of how smeets were conceived and brought into the world, the DNA used in their creation was registered by the Control Brains to keep track of which genes were the fittest to continue the species. Sometimes when a female Irken wanted smeets without a partner, or the male in a couple had a faulty genetic which didn't allow him to fertilize his mate, they could resort to artificial insemination in which a randomized male's sperm was used for fertilization. Because of this many Irkens were fathers without even knowing it.
Much to Red's dismay, his DNA matched with the smeet's. "Oh, sweet Irk..."
"What does it say?!" Purple couldn't contain himself any longer and tried to take the tablet from his co-Tallest, leading to a small skirmish.
"Hey, why are you so interested in it?!" Red snapped, trying to keep the tablet away.
"Come on, it's not everyday I find out I might be an uncle!"
"If I tell you, will you leave me alone?" He sighed. "It matched, okay?. Unfortunately, that smeet is mine."
Purple said nothing. He just stood there with a blank expression.
"Purple?" Red waved a hand in front of his face to see if his reacted. "Hello? Still in there?" He jumped back in surprise when out of sudden Purple yelled in ecstasy and ran down the corridor of the Massive, all the while yelling 'I'm an uncle! Somebody bring me donuts to make a toast!'
Red let out yet another, long sigh. Great, now everyone in the Massive would know about it.
Well, he could still see who the mother was to give the smeet back to her, though he wondered why it had been brought to him in the first place. The Massive was no place for a smeet so young, much less one who'd take too long in developing properly.
With that in mind, Red lowered his gaze to the tablet to read the procreation report.
Mother: Kit
Assignation: Scientist
Height: 112 cm.
Status: Deceased.
Notes: Body could not endure the conditions of natural birthing and subject passed shortly after smeet's delivery.
Oh. Well, that explains it.
Red couldn't help but feel bad about the smeet. As he looked down at her, he noted she had fallen asleep, probably out of boredom. Well, given that he couldn't give her back to her female parental unit for obvious reasons and he wouldn't be able to give her away either (they were galactic miles away from Irk), there was no other choice but to keep her.
There was a problem, though: he knew nothing about taking care of smeets. He considered it a female thing, and plus he'd be too busy eating snacks while overseeing Operation Impending Doom II. Besides, since he never had any progenitors himself he didn't even have a basic knowledge of how it was done.
Red was brought out of his thoughts when suddenly the smeet started to cry hysterically.
"No, no...!" he said awkwardly, motioning his hands up and down slightly. "Don't cry...!"
Of course, it worked wonders. Panicking, Red searched through the tablet for any sort of instructions as to how to make a smeet stop crying. The first article online he found explained that smeets could cry for various reasons, but the most common were either hunger or the need of a diaper change.
"Oh, sweet irk..." Red gulped. "I hope it's the hunger thing."
He had to pick up the basket and carry it to the bridge, where the smeet's crying instantly caught the attention of the crew (and irritated most of them). Purple had been stuffing on the 'toast' donuts when he heard the loud cry and spotted his co-Tallest bringing the basket with the smeet in it.
And she clearly was upset for something.
"Why is she crying?!" Purple inquired as he covered his ears, trying to speak over the loud wailing.
Red couldn't hear him properly, given he was the closest to the 'source' of the wailing. "WHAT?!"
"I said WHY IS SHE CRYING?!"
"I DON'T KNOW! SHE JUST STARTED OUT OF THE BLUE!"
"HOW DO WE MAKE HER STOP?!"
"WELL, I READ SHE'S EITHER HUNGRY OR WANTS A DIAPER CHANGE!"
The words 'diaper change' sent a shiver down Purple's spine. "HOW DO WE KNOW IF IT'S EITHER OF THOSE?!"
Red looked around the bridge and pointed at a random navigator. "YOU! COME HERE AND TAKE A SNIFF AT HER DIAPER!"
Said Irken went pale. "B-But My T-Tallest...!"
"NOW BEFORE SHE DRIVES US ALL INSANE!"
With no other choice, the navigator trembled as he walked closer to the basket, having to cover his ears. Closing his eyes shut, he took a quick sniff of the wailing smeet.
"WELL?!"
The navigator couldn't answer; he had collapsed unto the floor, his leg twitching.
That could only mean one thing.
"Oh my Irk..." Purple groaned in dismay before glancing at his partner. "Did that thing say how to change diapers?"
He had momentarily forgotten Red had trouble hearing him due to the smeet's wail. "WHAT?!"
"I ASKED IF YOUR TABLET SAID HOW TO CHANGE IT?!" Purple yelled.
Red glanced around. "DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW TO DO IT?!" Of course, all he received was shrugs, confused glances and dismayed head shakes. Well, at the very least he needed somewhere to put the smeet meanwhile. "BOB, GET YOUR TINY ASS OVER HERE!"
The little service drone moved closer as fast as his current posture allowed him to without dropping the glasses he had on top of him. Sadly, as soon as he stopped next to his leaders Red shoved the glasses aside, seemingly not minding them breaking unto the floor and spilling their contents.
Red picked up the screaming smeet from her basket and placed her on top of the table, where she wiggled and continued to 'demand' she be changed.
"WHAT NOW?!" Purple asked again.
"WE SHOULD DISTRACT HER WITH SOMETHING! I DON'T LIKE TO BE YELLING LIKE THIS!" Red stated matter-of-factly.
"WITH WHAT?! IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE A SECRET STASH OF SMEET TOYS SOMEWHERE!"
Looks like they'd have to improvise. Grumbling, Red made his way out of the control room, and a few seconds later he returned with a hastily-made rattler. At least the others thought it was supposed to be a rattler. It was consisted of a spoon and a hollowed-out glass ball filled with beans joined together with adhesive tape.
"Hey, smeet, take a look at this!" Red said as loudly as he could, shaking the 'rattle' just on top of her head. "Here's a nice toy for you! How about I give it to you if you stop screaming!"
Thankfully, it seemed to catch her attention. She stopped crying and looked up at the 'rattle' curiously, even holding up her short little hands at it.
If silence and peace were pleasant before, now they were paradise. Some in the room even imagined they were hearing song birds chirping their delightful tunes.
"The smeet stopped crying..." Purple said delightfully.
Red joined in. "It's so tranquil..."
"My Tallest, I suggest we hurry with... the issue before it loses interest in that thing." One of the navigators suggested.
"Oh, don't tell me!" Red rolled his eyes. He knew they were right, though, as far as he knew kids had a short attention span, he better hurry before she got bored. "Okay, then, I guess I have to remove the-!"
"NOO!" Skoodge burst in out of nowhere. "Have you never smelt a smeet's pop?! It's nauseating stench will create a trauma we will never overcome in our worst nightmares!" A lighting clapped within the control room, startling all the Irkens within.
"Looks like the lighting generator machine needs a little fixing again..." Purple muttered, looking up.
Red merely frowned. "Come now, Skoodge! It's only a smeet, how smelly can she be-?"
He hadn't even finished when he removed the first layer and the room was overwhelmed by a green cloud of the terrible scent. It was so strong and fetid all the Irkens in the room fell to the floor, coughing and gasping for air. Red, Purple and Bob were unfortunate enough to be the closest to the 'outburst', and their antenna soon paid the price. Their throats and non-existent noses felt on fire and their eyes stung with tears.
A dead bird collapsed unto the floor.
"Ernie!" A female Irken cried. "Noooo!"
"E-Every...*cough* Everyone, evacuate!" Purple yelled, then quickly added. "Except you, Bobby!"
Bob merely groaned in dismay, pinching his nose and trying to hold his breath as much as he could. All the crewmembers inside (except Bob) made a rush for the door, though the Tallest were the first to cross the doorway, and the female navigator from before picked her pet bird before running out.
A while later, Red and Purple took a peek inside wearing gas masks. "Is it over?" the latter asked fearfully.
Red took a few tentative steps inside, approaching Bob and the smeet on top of him. She was still fixed on the 'rattle', but she didn't seem to be disturbed by the smell of her own poop. Maybe smeets were immune to their own odors.
He heard a bubbling sound coming from...
"INCOMING!"
*IZ*
As ridiculous as it might sound, it took hours for Red to successfully change her. On his defense, there were many factors involved.
The first was that they had to order some baby powder, napkins and diapers (among other first-need baby stuff) from Callnowia, which took a whole hour to deliver since they were literally on the other side of the galaxy.
The second was that they had to learn how to change the diaper. For that they looked for tutorial videos on Irktube, but Purple got distracted with videos on cake and doughnut decorating, which led to a small skirmish that ended up with the tablet breaking.
Thirdly, one thing was watching how it was done in a video, and another was to actually do it. Red lost Purple when he finished opening the dirty diaper; the sight of the poop was enough to send Purple in a throwing-up fit ( not on the doughnuts this time, thankfully), leaving Red alone with the gruesome task.
And fourthly, Red had trouble with... well, wiping her... crevice. He didn't want to give her a crotch-rot and have her crying all day. Then he couldn't open the baby powder because he didn't turn it properly, and when he finally did the top was pointing at his face.
And the top of the cake: when at last he managed to change it, nature called again and he had to repeat the same process over again (this included Purple's throwing up spree; he was returning from the restroom when she pooped again, and the smell was enough to send him back inside).
There was a sixth factor involving Bob, but it isn't worth mentioning.
"This kid is going to be the death of me..." Red thought bitterly as he stared at the smeet. She had calmed down and was currently suckling on her foot yet again. She probably was hungry. Ha, but this time he was prepared.
It seemed, however, that the smeet loved to spite him.
"Come on, smeetie!" Purple chimed, trying and failing to get the spoonful of smeet food into her mouth. "Here comes the voot cruiser!"
But the smeet moved her head away from the spoon and closed her mouth shut, even managing to spill the contents once.
"Frankly, I wouldn't want to eat this stuff either," Red pointed out, examining the small jar of smeet food. "What is it made of, anyway?"
"I have no idea," now feeling curious, Purple ate the spoonful of food and to his surprise it had a pleasant sour sweet flavor. "Hey, it's actually very good!"
"Don't eat it, it's for the smeet!"
"Well, if she doesn't want it we shouldn't let it go to waste!"
Red rolled his eyes and had to take another spoon since Purple had contaminated the previous one with his saliva. After swatting Purple's hand away when he tried to take more spoonfuls, he took another with the new spoon and held it near the smeet's lips.
"Come on, kid, it's tasty! Just look at him, he likes it!" Red pointed at Purple as he licked the remaining mash from the usentil. "It's really tasty!"
The smeet, however, struck the spoon with her hand and sent the contents flying into her father's face, causing Purple to burst out into laughter, and Red in turn to take a handful of the food and throw it at him. The smeet giggled at the immature exchange.
A while later they found she only ate if she was distracted, so Purple proceeded to make silly faces while Red fed her. It also turned out she had her father's big appetite, she ate about three jars of the smeet feed before becoming quenched. Red was momentarily relieved until she started making funny faces.
"You think she ate too much?" Purple inquired.
Before Red could think of something to say, the smeet let out a burp so loud it shattered all glasses in a ratio of 2km within the Massive.
*IZ*
What a day.
Despite all that happened, Red somehow still had the energy to get back at his sleeping quarters, carrying the smeet in his hands while her basket was thoroughly cleaned from the issue with the diaper issue.
He wasn't sure on where to put her, though. She was very tiny and could easily get stuck in narrow places she couldn't be reached, though if his hunch was correct she wouldn't be able to move around at all until she was a bit older. Red made an improvised 'crib' with a small cardboard box and some hand towels. He tucked the smeet in it, placed the crib on his bedside table and collapsed unto his bed, blissfully closing his eyes to sleep, not bothering to remove his armor.
A few seconds later he was awakened by a whimper. With a groan of dismay he sat back up and checked on the smeet. She didn't smell like manure, so thanks Irk it wasn't her diaper, and she had eaten already so it couldn't be that either. Shrugging, he was about to lay back down again when she whimpered again.
"For the love of Irk, what do you want now?!" Red unintentionally snapped at the smeet out of frustration and tiredness.
She didn't reply, she just kept staring up at him with those big ruby eyes.
The third time he tried to lay back down and she whined again, he had a hunch as to what was wrong. He slightly moved out of her sight, causing her to whimper loudly.
She didn't like it when he wasn't around.
"Kiddo, I'm right next to you, I just want to take a nap." Red tried and failed again to lay down. "Damn it. If someone hadn't broken the tablet..."
Purple's voice echoed from the next room. "I already said I was sorry!"
What to do, what to do...?
Then the smeet decided she wanted to be carried and reached out her tiny arms for her father, whimpering again. With no other choice unless he wanted her to start wailing again, Red sighed and carefully lifted the smeet from her 'crib'.
Both father and daughter stared at each other for a while.
Now he could get a better look at her. She was really tiny, even for a smeet. Just like Purple and other Irken had pointed out, she had his same eye color and his appetite, further proving she was his. He wondered what she had gotten from her mom, if anything at all. The DNA databases didn't have any pictures.
The most noticeable thing was that she lacked a PAK. Now this was a surprise, how come she was alive if she hadn't one? Perhaps the people who sent her forgot to put one on her, or HE was supposed to give her one?
Again, this explained her lack of knowledge, speech and all the basic things clone-made smeets could do as soon as their PAKs were put on their spines. He wasn't sure, he didn't know how Irkens who bred naturally dealt with the issue. Perhaps it would be easier to get her a PAK, that way she'd give less trouble.
The smeet got a hold on one of his fingers, giggling at his thoughtful expression. Red couldn't help but smile a bit at the little one.
Then again, a part of him had always been curious about how it felt to look after someone (Purple didn't count, he was an adult and could take care of himself 95% of the time). Besides, she'd lose all the innocence and merely become one more soldier in the armada. Not to mention it was another part of his people's history, back in the days when there were no smeeteries and the population depended on the natural reproduction.
Okay, maybe that part wasn't that appealing, he meant the raising-your-kid-yourself stuff.
It might require a lot of work, but that beaming expression on the smeet's face as he held her, almost as if she were thanking him for it, made it worth it.
He carefully placed the smeet on a small cushion next to him when he lay down again, and she instantly made herself at home in it, though her gaze always remained on her father.
"I guess I should name you, right? I can't call you smeet forever." Red commented without really expecting an answer.
The smeet yawned, snuggling against her father's fingers before falling asleep, sucking on her thumb. Red smiled and stroked her cheek, already thinking of a name.
Goodnight, my little Ilk.
With that, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.
......
Five minutes later he felt a familiar stench as Ilk let out a whimper.
*IZ*
I'll explain a bit about my head cannon regarding natural-born smeets:
1-. Those are not as depending on the PAKs to survive, since they were birthed alive and those. Those are given their PAKs when they are a bit older, the equivalent of a ten-year old human child, but the smeets' personalities are already developed. PAKs for natural smeets contain most of a normal PAK's function minus the personality thingy. Other than that they work like any other.
2-. Unlike the smeets from smeeteries who can already talk, walk and are ready to start training as soon as they are born, birthed-smeets are like human babies: completely helpless and depend completely on their progenitors. This is why the practice has been mostly discontinued, it takes too long in producing soldiers for the militaristic Empire.
3-. Another reason for the discontinuity of the natural birth is that these Irkens will have more free-will than the clone-made ones, due to the aforementioned reason of not needing the PAK to survive and their personalities being developed on their own accord. Clearly not a good asset.