For the past months I not only managed to avoid Tobias, but also Shauna. During spring break, she came home for a little bit, and then went on a trip with her new friends from college. I was at my grandparents' ranch the whole time, working on some gadgets I've been developing for the past several months.
But now that Caleb would graduate, Mom and Dad asked her to come home for him. He wasn't in the least excited about that. Not because the potential of her and me getting into a fight, but because he too had his problems with her. It took him a while to open up about it, but while I was gone to military school, Shauna exploited him, turned him into her servant. He had to do her chores, sometimes even her homework, do whatever she said in school. He didn't really want to join the soccer team, and that's why he was so happy when the principal allowed us to have the lacrosse team. Shauna always belittled him, made him feel less worth than he actually is. He is really smart, but for two years of high school he pretended to be average. He almost blew his chance to go to Carnegie Mellon to study architecture like he always dreamed of doing. However, we both kept quiet.
The ceremony was beautiful. One of Caleb's classmates, who was chosen valedictorian, gave a beautiful speech, and emotional farewell not only to his classmates, who all started a new chapter in their lives, but also encouraged us, those who still had a few years to go. It was special and I even shed a few tears. The junior class prepared an amazing farewell video for the senior class, filming all the students of our school as we all said "good luck" to those who would leave us. It was one of the most touching ceremonies in years, and we all applauded loudly as the senior year students received their high school diplomas.
After that, we went out for lunch to celebrate Caleb's big day. The entire Prior family was present, including my grandparents, both my uncles, my aunt, and my three cousins. We sit together, most of us engaged in their own conversation with the people sitting closest to them.
"You will love college, little brother," Shauna beams. "When I first started, I knew it would be great. You get to meet all your new classmates, make new friends. But make sure to hang with the popular kids. You want to be invited to all the cool parties," she says, and winks at him.
"I'm going there to study architecture, not drinking myself stupid," Caleb retorts. Shauna seems to be taken slightly aback by his bluntness.
"You don't have to drink. Besides, you are underage for that," she says.
"So are you," Matt comments with an eye roll. "I'm sure Caleb won't go there to do something illegal."
"Have you checked their status on dorm rooms?" Grandpa asks Caleb, and he nods. They then start talking about that, joined shortly by Dad, who tells Grandpa, that they will drive Caleb to college, just like they did the year before with Shauna.
The afternoon continues mainly with us enjoying small talk, and occasionally remembering fun things that happened to us this past year.
By six p.m., I excuse myself, since I have a date with my boyfriend, and leave the restaurant. I walk down the street to the park where we agreed to meet, and wonder why he chose to meet here. He usually comes and picks me up, but I don't really care. It's nice to walk a little after sitting down for so many hours.
I enter the park and text him to see where he is. A moment later, I receive his reply with directions to where he is waiting for me. I walk leisurely through the park, the weather, while warm, isn't suffocating. Plus, the shade of the trees makes the entire area feel like an oasis right in the middle of a busy city.
As I reach the bench he is sitting on, I notice he is fidgeting. It appears something is on his mind. I wonder what.
"Hey," I say as I approach the bench. He startles slightly, but then smiles. I take a seat next to him, and give him space to gather his thoughts. Obviously, something is up, but I can't figure out what.
"Do you love me?" he asks after a long while. I am a little surprised he asks that. But on the other hand, I guess it was due to happen. Several weeks ago, he told me he loved me, and all I did was say thank you, like a moron. I explained to him that while I do care for him, I wasn't ready to say the "L" word yet. Back then it was enough, but clearly not anymore.
"Of course," I say somewhat honestly. I do love him. He is one of my closest friends, and the sex is good too. No point denying that. He frowns. Doesn't he believe me?
"How?" he asks.
"How what?"
"How do you love me? What kind of love?" he inquires. He is after something.
"I don't understand," I say, playing dumb. He gives me a disapproving look, and I look away. I stare at the pond in front of us for a while. It seems, our roles have reversed, and now I'm the one in need to gather my thoughts. "I love you, Phil. You are one of my best friends. But I'm not in love with you." I keep staring at the pond. I didn't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to lie to him.
We both remain silent after that, both trying to figure out what to do next. I don't want to break up with him, but if he has stronger feelings for me, than I have for him, then I think it'll be better to terminate our relationship. I don't want to lead him on any more than I probably have.
"Thank you," comes his voice. It's weak, almost shaking. I look at him, and feel tears gather in my eyes. "I love you, Tris, I really do. And I believe you love me too. But I know you love someone else more." I remain silent. What is he talking about? Does he think I cheated or something? I must have looked confused, because he smiles a little. He leans in and gently kisses my lips. When he pulls back, he looks deep into my eyes. "Thank you for allowing me to be with you. You were the best girlfriend I ever had. And maybe one day we can hang out like good old friends," he says, and I see tears in his own eyes now. "Goodbye." Phil stands up, and walks away. I lean back against the bench, and let silent tears fall.
I have no idea how long I've been sitting here, but when it starts to rain, I decide to head back home. The weather outside reflects my exact mood. I am not in love with Phil, but I love him. And I know that this is the right thing for him. He loves me more, and I can't let him waste his time with someone who can't return his feelings. He deserves someone who loves him with the same passion he loves back. And it's clear, that someone is not me.
I ponder if I should just walk, but it's pouring by now, and while I'm upset, I don't want to get pneumonia. I get a cab, and arrive home about twenty minutes later. The cab driver was even so nice to turn on the heat so that I could be at least warm. I smile at him for his kindness, and when we arrive I leave him a generous tip.
I hurry inside, take off my shoes, and run up the stairs. Thankfully, no one is using the bathroom, so I enter, close and lock the door behind me, and fill the tub with hot water. I need to soak, and I need to think of what happened.
I undress and when the tub is half full I get inside, lie down, and close my eyes. The warmth soon lures me into a sleep-like state, and I have to fight to not actually fall asleep. I open my eyes when someone is at the door.
"I'm taking a bath," I shout.
"I need to come in," I hear Shauna's voice.
"You can't," I shout again.
"Tris, open the door. I have a date with Zeke, and I'm late," Shauna shouts again, and starts banging on the door.
"There are other bathrooms in this house," I yell.
"Open the door!" she yells, and bangs harder. I decide to ignore her, but the banging doesn't stop. I can hear both my parents' voices outside, trying to understand what is going on. "She won't let me in!" Shauna whines.
"Tris, please let your sister in," Dad asks me.
"I'm in the tub. I'm taking a bath!" I yell.
"She's always doing this! Open the fucking door!" I had about enough. I get out of the tub, forgo putting on a towel or my bathrobe, unlock the door, swing it open, and stand stark naked in front of my parents and my sister. They all seem shocked. I grab my sister's hand, pull her inside the bathroom, and push her to the ground.
I turn back around, walk out of the bathroom, pass my parents, cross the hall, and walk into my room. Stupid bitch!
I close my door, and go to put my pajamas on, when a knock is heard on my door. I tell the person to enter, figuring it's Mom, and return to slipping into my PJ pants. Mom puts a large towel over my shoulders, obviously having figured out that I wouldn't have one in here, and helps me dry off. By the time I'm dressed, Mom starts drying my hair, but I know she is dying to tell me something. The moment she puts the towel down, she steps in front of me. I'm still looking down, not wanting to let her know something else is bothering me.
"I'm really glad you didn't start a huge fight, baby." I look up at her, willing myself to be strong, but the moment our eyes lock, I feel tears spill out of mine. Confused, Mom looks at me worried, but instead of pestering me with questions she just pulls me into her arms, and lets me cry.
It takes me some time to calm down, but eventually the tears subside, and I manage to tell her that Phil broke up with me. She already knew that he told me he loved me, and that I wasn't ready. Back then she told me I probably still had feelings for Tobias, since he was my first love, but to give Phil a real chance. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't just tell him I loved him, not when it wasn't what he wanted, what he expected, what he deserved.
"I really love him, Mom," I tell her. We are sitting on my bed, our backs against the wall, our legs stretched out, and hanging down. She holds me close to her, her arm around my shoulders, my head against her warm body.
"I know, baby. But if you are in two different places in the relationship, and you know you don't love him the same way he loves you, then it's better to break it off. He deserves someone who loves him, and just him. And you deserve to be happy."
I allow Mom to rock me to sleep, glad that she is always there for me when I need her the most.