tuesday, november 22 | san francisco, california
To be in a man's arms was something. Especially when you knew those arms belonged to someone who cared for you. The grip was tighter. That subtle motion of them pulling you closer made you feel important in their world.
The way Jace held me, however, was scary sometimes. He held me like he wasn't sure if he'd ever hold me again. As if he didn't know if this was his last time. That's when I knew he was worried about me.
I had been suicidal around this time last year. I managed to have locked myself in my room, attempting to end it all. Jace had to kick down the door and rush me to the hospital.
If Jace hadn't kicked down my door, I'm not sure I would be here.
My mom suggested that I finally go see a therapist, something I'd avoided doing ever since Shiloh was killed.
It worked for a few months, but I was right back where I started. I was triggered by a letter from Travis, who was currently serving a life sentence in federal prison.
He penned his regrets, told me the actual details of that night and asked for forgiveness. But, I hated him. I was disgusted with him. He knew Shiloh trusted him and he preyed on his loyalty.
"You good, Ni?" Jace's voice startled me. I was so busy with my thoughts.
Clearing my throat, I shifted slightly against him. "Yes, why you ask?"
Jace moved his hand from mine. "You're squeezin' the shit outta my hand, love." He replied while rubbing it.
"Oh," I sat up and looked at my own hand to see that it was slightly red. "I'm sorry."
He sat up with me, and wrapped his arms around me. "You sure you're good?" He asked again, kissing the side of my mouth.
"Why, when you're high, you're a seducer?" I asked, ignoring his question.
Jace smiles, showing off his beautiful teeth. "Why you sidesteppin' my question?"
I moved my neck around in a circular motion. "I'm fine."
Jace sighed against me. The mixture of weed and cologne was an odd combination that I liked. He never smoked around me, always before or after he was with me. If he smoked before, he'd spray cologne as if it actually worked.
Jace was from Crenshaw, Crenshaw Boulevard to be exact. Although he grew up in the rougher parts of the city, he never got into any trouble. After his father was killed when he was three, his mom made sure he was in extracurricular activities and in his books.
It worked because Jace graduated with a 4.0, the top of his class. He then received a full academic scholarship here to Stanford. He doubled majored in Engineering and Math. Jace was smart as hell.
From the moment I met him, I knew he'd been raised well. Jace was a great guy and I ultimately felt bad for using him. While I didn't want to get close, I didn't want to be alone either. I've known him a year and a half. I was comfortable.
"What you thinkin' about?" His voice startled me again.
I blinked a few times to return back to earth. I pecked his lips before answering his question. "Nothing." Jace shook his head at me. "What?"
"Why you got this wall between us? Like you can at least tell me what's on ya mind."
Before I could answer, my phone sounded in the room and I could see a picture of Saint and I as the phone lit up. I reached for it, forcing Jace to move back. I slid the answer bar across the screen and placed the phone up to my ear.
"Hey Saint."
"Hey NiNi, what are you doing?" In the background, it sounded like he was moving around.
I moved away from Jace, not wanting to risk Saint hearing his voice. Jace knew of my family, but he didn't know them personally. And that's how I wanted to keep it.
"Nothing, why are you up so late?"
"I'm playing the game with Chase." He replied in his odd proper voice.
I lifted my eyebrow. "Hm, what made you call me?"
"I had a headache and I only get them when you're stressed out."
I glanced over at Jace, who resumed watching the movie. "I'm fine, Saint."
Saint sighed. "Are you sure NiNi?"
I smiled a little at the concerned tone in his voice. "I'm sure. Tell Chase and Jamila I said hey. I will see you all Thursday."
"NiNi said hey duckhead." I heard Saint tell Chase. "See you Thursday sis."
"Love you."
"Love you too!" He exclaimed before hanging up.
I looked at the phone before sitting it on my dresser. Saint was absolutely too in sync with me. That hadn't been the first time he correctly suspected something was wrong.
Ever since our parents gave him a phone, he blew mine up.
I didn't mind, though. His voice seemed to always put me at ease.
"Saint is the youngest right?" Jace asked, causing me to look at him. I nodded. "He seems like a cool lil dude. Always checkin' up on his big sis."
"Yea." I replied dryly, which meant I wanted him to drop it.
"Aight, I'll keep it casual." Jace said, catching the hint. "I won't get personal."
I tapped my foot against the floor because it'd fell asleep. I hated that numb feeling. Then, afterwards, my feet will be cold for a few minutes. "I want some cupcakes."
"This late? Is that even in your diet?" He chuckled.
"Mind the business that pay you." I smirked.
Jace bit his bottom lip. "It will pay me cause you're gonna be my wife and I'm going to live off you." He smirked back.
"Even if that were true," I sat on the edge of my bed. "You wouldn't be living off of me."
"You don't think it's true?"
I looked back at the tv. "Thought you were going to keep it casual? Are you going to go get my cupcakes or no?" I looked back at him.
Jace looked at me, and licked his lips out of habit. He reluctantly sat up and stood from the bed. In silence, he threw on his shirt, slid on his shoes and grabbed my car keys before heading out of my room.
"You're not even gonna ask which ones I want?" I called out.
Jace turned to look at me. He looked to be slightly irritated at the question. "Red velvet, double icing." He said as if I were that simple.
"You think you know me."
Jace shook his head. "Ion think Ni. I know." He said as he left out of the room.
Seconds later, Mariyah peeked her head through my door with an amused look on her face. "What'd you say to him?"
"Nothing. He's going to get me cupcakes." I waved her off.
Mariyah shakes her head. "The boy loves you at this point because I would've been left you alone."
"Like Tahj and Khalil should leave you alone." I shot back, batting my eyelashes.
Mariyah rolls her eyes. "I'm going to ignore that cause you're damaged."
I laughed a little, getting up to go into the kitchen. I knew I would need water because I couldn't eat sweets without it.
As I walked past the living area, I saw Tahj passed out on the couch. I hadn't even heard him come in. I went to open the front door and quickly slammed it shut, causing Tahj to jump up.
I hated when niggas were sleep on our couch. I didn't even allow Jace to do that when there was clearly a bed in my room.
"Nia, what the fuck yo?" Tahj complained with a frown on his face.
"Go get in Mariyah's bed yo." I mocked him.
Tahj rested his arm on the arm rest, and his hand against his temple, closing his eyes. "Ion kno' what the fuck she been doin' in that bed. I'm tired."
Mariyah glared at him. "Nigga, fuck you."
Tahj smirked in his tired state. "Please do."
Tahj and Mariyah had been seeing each other for about seven months now. Up until a few days ago, she'd kept it away from Khalil. I guess you could say they were a couple. They had met each other's parents and that was a serious deal to me.
Tahj was a little rough around the edges, though. I wasn't sure how because he was from the suburbs. He was one of those fortunate kids who wanted to be from the quote unquote hood.
Although Jace wasn't from the streets, you could tell who was really from the hood. Tahj couldn't compete.
I rolled my eyes as hard as I could before walking into the kitchen. I grabbed four bottles of water. Three for me and one for Jace. I could never have one bottle of water. I always paid for it, though.
The only downside to drinking water is pissing every two seconds.
I walked out of the kitchen to see the living room empty. I grabbed my backpack and Macbook, taking it to my room. I still had a few online assignments to do, but I decided to procrastinate.
I took a seat on my bed and my mind immediately went to Shiloh. I was trying my best not to think about him, but it was hard. And it seemed like everyone around me wanted me to forget about him too.
That was unrealistic.
I allowed a few tears to escape before quickly wiping them away. I knew tomorrow would be worse.
It's easy to look at it and say 'it's been threw years, get over it." But up until that point, I hadn't had a reason to heal. I didn't have to heal from my childhood. I lived a good and stress-free life.
Truth is, I'm learning which is creating some growing pains.
I heard the front door open and close. Jace walked into the room a few seconds later with the box of cupcakes. "I ate like two cause I had the munchies like shit."
He had somewhat of a harsh look on his face until his eyes met mine. They quickly soften which let me know that I hadn't wiped away the tears fully.
He softly closed the door behind him and placed my keys on the stand near the door. He then placed the box of cupcakes on my nightstand.
Jace had this thing about him. Whenever he sees me going through this storm, it's like the world stops. His softness is his greatest asset and his most profound weakness.
Maybe I preyed on that subconsciously. But, I needed it.
With him, it's like he tells my panic to shut up. I don't know how he does it, and I don't need to. That he can, and so effortlessly, is enough.
He grabs my hand and squats down to my level. "For these two nights, please just put down your walls and let me in. You can't keep expectin' to hold that shit in."
I attempted to blink away the tears, but they fell anyway. I decided to give him what he wanted because I was tired of pretending that I was okay.
I wasn't, at all.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I just wanted him to hold me. "Wait a min." He gently pulled away and instructed me to lie down.
I watched as he removed his black denim jacket, chucking it to the side. He hovered over me, causing his gold chain to dangle.
"You gotta let yourself feel then heal. The only way out is through." He told me. "As you keep holdin' in these feelins' and emotions, you're prolongin' your healin' process." He used his thumb to wipe my cheeks.
"Why do you keep dealing with me?"
"Cause you worth fightin' for." Jace climbed in bed next to me. "Yea, it's hard sometimes. But what keeps me goin' is that I kno' deep down, there's a part of you that you've locked away. This ain't you. I wanna see you get back to yourself."
With that, I didn't say anything else. He pulled his shirt over his head and threw it onto the floor. I laid my head on his chest, and quickly fell asleep.
ok, i just wanted to start the book. i'm going to gone over to Sealed now. i'm going to try my best to update both books. cause i really like the idea i have for both of them.
anyway, go add Sealed if you haven't.