Song playing in book ^
Junior Year
The words my mother spoke to me were true. My lies would eventually catch up to me. If I planned to keep Noah a part of my life for forever- I would have to tell him.
I always knew that I would inevitably have to overcome my feelings for Noah, probably meet another guy and settle down. And if I wanted Noah to be my best-man, I'd have to tell him I'm gay before I meet 'Mr. Right'.
My plan was always to tell him either before graduation, or whenever I would be able to truthfully say 'I'm not in love with Noah Anderson'. Unfortunately, at the rate I was heading I wasn't sure I would ever be able to speak those words honestly. Luckily, college graduation wasn't too soon, so I had always settled for the first option.
With the newfound information that Kurtis Anderson knew my darkest secret.. my plans were being ultimately compromised.
With a heavy chest, I called Noah the next morning to secretly check up on him. Besides a hang-over, he was fine.
"Nothing else happened?" I chewed subconsciously on my lip, pressing the phone tightly to my ear.
"Nope, parents don't have a clue," he smugly announced. "Thanks, Ethan. Thanks, for everything."
"Oh, it was no problem.. I'll always be there for you, Noah." And I would. "Noah, if something ever happens like that again- call me. Always call me," my voice stern.
"Listen, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later," he abruptly tells me, hanging-up before I can reply.
"Bye?" I talk to the phone in my hand, quite unsure of myself.
I'm relieved to find Noah is okay, but I'm still on edge. My parents don't have a clue. Kurtis definitely knew. My chest felt lighter, knowing my secret was safe for now, but a bitter taste still coated my throat. Because if Kurtis hadn't told Noah yet.. then when?
***
I dodged the Anderson's house at all costs. Inviting Noah to mine, rather than spending time in his. I had successfully gone two months without visiting his house. Avoiding Kurtis Anderson and neglecting to tell Noah about my sexuality.
Everything was seemingly perfect and I didn't want to disrupt it.
"My mom wanted to know if you and your mom wanted to come over Christmas Eve ?" A bright-eyed Noah asked me.
We were parked in his car, drinking warm chocolate and staring at Christmas lights. The plastic blue snowflakes wrapped on a storefront, reflected against his ocean eyes. He pulled the plastic cups to his pink lips and took a small sip.
I slink into my seat and heavy grey coat. Pulling the plastic cup to my chest and subconsciously running my middle finger around the rim as I try to will the conversation away.
"I'm not sure," I shrug, focusing on the sound of traditional Christmas music, softly thrumming from the speakers of his car.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
O hear the angels' voices
O night divine
O night when Christ was born
O night divine o night
"What do you mean," he laughs. Shaking his head at me and turning the music down, leaving us with silence.
"I just don't know yet."
"Well, its not like you and your mom do anything? I thought you guys normally just chill?" He's looking at me funny, trying to decide if I'm joking or not.
"I still need to ask her." I pull my cup closer to my face and inspect the fancy logo plastered to the side in swirls. "Maybe we're busy."
He chuckles again, but this time with more force. "I thought you would be excited. I always leave the day after Christmas and normally I'm too busy to see you before," his voice holds a bitterness to it.
I want to go, but I'm too afraid to face Kurtis again. I don't want to walk the steps of his house again, or relive the dreadful night. So I stay quiet, letting Kurtis dictate my life.
"Well I guess I thought wrong," he huffs. Facing the road and frowning at the colorful lights lining the street. He puts his drink into the cup-holder and crosses his arms.
When I don't speak again he shifts the gear to drive and sits-up into his seat. Still visibly angry as he pulls out of the parking lot. Our fun holiday night is cut early.
My eyes follow the flashing scenery as he drives back to my house. It's snowing lightly now, white crystals cling to the sides of the window. Covering my view of well decorated lights and the occasional Christmas tree, peeking through shuttered windows.
Noah's grip is tight against the wheel. I steal glances at the boy every now and then, his brow slightly creased.
He's quite over-dramatic about the whole ordeal, but it is understandable. Every year I hint to him and his parents how wonderful it would be to spend Christmas with them, but every year I spend it with only my mother. Now I'm finally invited and I decline? I know Noah is confused, slightly hurt from my rejection when he was so clearly excited.
I can't but feel like a pawn in Kurtis's chess game. I know that the dinner is his arrangement, it has to be. I don't want to be caught in one of his sinister traps, but I can't help but look at the boy next to me.
It would mean a lot to him if I came. Ultimately, Noah means more to me than the fear of Kurtis. I can't let the older-man control my life.
When we near the complex that my home belongs too, I unbuckle my seat. Noah parks his car along the brick building.
I don't leave yet. Instead sitting in my seat and staring at the sides of his soft face. He waits for me to leave, but I make no move too.
Even if it is all a trap, and Kurtis has something itching in his sleeve- he has no proof. Right? There isn't anything he can do, I think. I'm not comforted with my thoughts, but it's enough to ease my worries slightly.
With a pain still burning my stomach, I tell him, "I'll go." My hands on the door-handle and shifting to leave.
His head turns to me, eyes lighting instantly. "Really," his voice is hesitant, a slight pink hue coloring his cheeks.
I smile at him, nodding my head at his boyish smile. Opening the door and ducking my head out from the car before whispering, "Goodbye, Noah."
***
On December 24th, I find myself standing outside doubled white doors. My hands are sweaty as I hold a glass pan of baked corn. Nervously tapping my feet against the brown mat at the foot of the large door. The words 'welcome' written in cursive, barely visible from the chunks of snow that fall from my boots.
"Stop that," I hear my mother breath behind me. She's holding a glass pan as well, this one circular to accommodate the apple-pie. Her dark hair curled and she's dressed in a burgundy dress that's hidden behind her large coat.
I exhale slowly and knock against the wooden doors, once again. This time they open, revealing Mrs. Anderson.
"Hi. Welcome, welcome in!" Her voice is shrill as she urges us in. Hair the same dusty brown as Noah's pined up and obnoxiously large with bright red lipstick coating her dry lips.
An intimidating man stands behind her, arms behind his back as he stares down at me. "Hello, Ethan," he curtly nods. Eyes then falling to my mom and he pulls out a hand to shake hers, "Hello again, Marla." My chest constricts when his cold eyes fall on me again.
My mother smiles tightly as she shakes his hands, and eyes dead as she tries to mimic Donna's eagerness.
"Well, come in!" We walk into the warm house and Donna shuts the door behind me, lightly. "Noah! Ethan's here!"
Footsteps faintly sound through the house as a curly haired boy runs down the steps to greet us. A soft creme sweater and a grey vest cover his torso. A faint smile plays on his pink lips as he runs a hand through his curls. "Hello," he greets. Waving the hand he used to comb his curls and then dropping it to his side.
Noah's grandparents, Aunt, and cousin are seated in the living room. I've met them a few times before but never enough to remember their names, because they live off in Pennsylvania, only visiting for holidays.
We all compile into the dining room. A beige room with a large wooden table and large white drapes blocking the cold light from emitting. Everything about the house is always so pristine, from the plain walls to the orderly structure of furniture.
I sit across from Noah, a large feast of food lays between us: turkey, ham, baked corn, green beans, stuffing, rolls, and an apple-pie. His younger cousin sits on the edge of her seat, eyeing the pie with a grin.
I watch her advance a fork to it before her mother catches her hand. "Not yet, Addie. Finish your dinner first."
She slumps into her chair, resting her cheek into her palm as she pouts. "But what if they eat it all?" she whines to her mother. I chuckle at the little girl and grab an extra plate. Her eyes follow my hands as I remove a slice from the pan and place it on the plate.
I sit the plate beside her mother and tell the child, "Here, that way you know there is a slice for you."
She instantly perks up, giving me a toothy smile and digging into her turkey. "Thank you," Noah's Aunt mouths to me as she wipes food off the corner of her child's face.
I catch Noah staring at me, his brows are furrowed and he looks lost in thought. "What?" I mouth the words across the table to him. He shakes his head and then returns to a smile before looking back down at his dinner.
The rest of the dinner is seemingly normal, except for the occasional harsh stares that Kurtis gives me.
I don't speak a single word to him, instead his conversations are held with his parents and mine are between Noah, my mom, Addie and her mom. They are light conversations about school and football.
Noah's Aunt asks me about college and whether I will play in college. I tell her that I'm planning to attend the local university like Noah and football might be an option to continue.
My plans for career and major is undecided. I've never given it much thought to what I want to be when I'm older. I know Noah has a whole career mapped out for him.
His parents want him to be an accountant. I would tell Noah to find something else, to not succumb to his parents wishes, but truthfully, Noah likes math and he's pretty damn good. I think that he'll make a great accountant.
I'm staring at Noah this time. His eyes catch mine and he looks at me questionably before I smile and look back down at my food, like he did to me.
Just going to end it there on a light note. EARLY UPDATE BECAUSE IT'S STILL THURSDAY NIGHT. Lol.
I'm hoping to write some more, if that doesn't happen the next update will be Wednesday.
Typically my updates will fall on Monday's, Wednesday's, or Friday's. I don't know why.
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