Chapter Twenty Three
“Unveiling the truth”
"لَنْ تَهْرُبي مِنّي فإنّي رجلٌ مُقَدِّرٌ عليكِ"
Mahra
I heard footsteps nearing the door, they were slow, silent footsteps, but they scared me anyway. My fear and anxiety had reached their limits, so much so that I had to remind myself to keep breathing and to calm down. We were here in the hotel and I sat on the bed of our luxurious bedroom with my white wedding dress exactly where Laylah and Reem had left me minutes ago. The suite was quiet now; guess both of them had left along with Hamad, and I was alone with him, Zayed. Those silent steps belonged to him, I thought.
Would it sound absurd if I said, I recognized the air that carried him? Because I knew he was near, probably by the door. To make sure, I looked up and right I was.
There he stood on the outermost edge of the room, looking as tall, dark and handsome as ever. His slight frame was willowy, graceful even in absolute stillness. I looked away, cursing myself for admiring him so unequivocally. Every time I see him, it is like the first time and a beautiful time. He stood by the door for a while, which was ajar, probably taking in the room or me. I was sure he noticed my stolen glance at him which encouraged him, perhaps, and he entered the room—it did no good to me though.
Upon him entering the room, promptly the oxygen evaporated and my breath hitched in my throat. It was like I was with him in that air tight elevator again. I suffered then and I am suffering now. At a moment like this I wished I had known him well before the wedding, so that this situation was less awkward and less bashful.
My eyes followed his steps, as he walked past the bed to the two chairs that were placed in front of the large windows, far from my left side, with a round table in the middle. He stopped there with his back to me and didn’t move for a while, staring at the now-quiet city of Dubai from the window. Wonder what he was thinking!
For a moment I turned to look at the buildings too, but instantly looked away when I heard him move. The rustling of his clothes was audible in the hushed room. From the corner of my eye I saw him take off his bisht and place it down on the chair, neatly. Then he settled on the chair closest to him and sighed. It was a deep and heavy sigh which expressed his fatigue or probably his relief.
I was brave enough to stare at him, and was certain he was aware of my intent gaze, but he wouldn’t look at me, he kept is eyes at anything but me. I could tell, he was taking his time before facing me and my questions. But he didn’t need to worry; I wasn’t going to demand for answers right away, I’d wait for him to say what he could. Surely he didn’t come unprepared.
After what it seemed like a long time, he began searching around for something and his eyes fell on the vanity table. Zayed stood up and headed towards it then pulled its small chair to place it in front of the bed, opposite me. With no brush of hesitance, whatsoever, he sat down on it.
Now, we sat face-to-face. He’d left a good distance between his knees and mine, I noticed because I was staring down and not at him. His silence carried on, buzzing in the room like some awful and disturbing sound.
‘It’s time you say something’ I thought and wondered if he was nervous or probably collecting his thoughts. Should I begin then? How would I look if I did? But we can’t stay silent all night long. Doesn’t he know I hate silence? Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind. His strange and troubling behavior led me to finally raise my head and take a better look at him to see what was wrong.
And when I did…
Zayed had his head bowed and elbows placed on both his knees, and that tapering chin was supported by his left hand. His eyes were fixed on the marble floor and an unusual energy radiated from him, like he was defeated or beaten. He was distressing me so I gathered the courage to say something, that’s when he looked up and caught me staring at him. I didn’t budge, keeping my gaze on those honey-brown eyes, which I had become familiar with; my heart recognized those brown eyes. Although the hard look on his face didn’t go unheeded. I saw no sign of appeasement on his face; he looked somewhat lost and confused.
I being me, tried to make things a little less awkward, and gave him a small smile, hoping he’d return it but he didn’t. He simply kept staring at me, or staring beyond me, his face gloomy, restless. I held his gaze and refused to let go, he seemed deeply disturbed and highly worried. I hadn’t seen him like this even when his father was in the hospital.
Without realizing I was frowning, which he noticed because he was watching me with a thoughtful, analyzing air.
“Is something wrong?” I uttered gathering some courage. He, in return, broke our stare; his eyes flashed down at my hands in my laps, and then back to me.
Zayed shook his head and fidgeted a little in his seat. He knew I was waiting and it had been long since I was waiting. For one explanation, one reason, anything.
I saw his chest heave up as he inhaled, and I copied his move but that didn’t help. The air that I breathed in seemed to be like water that reached my lungs and I felt like I was drowning, probably in his eyes.
“I’d promised to give you answers.” Zayed raised his face and began in a low, sunken voice. Upon hearing it my senses left me, the heart was of no help either. I literally had to drag my thoughts to focus on what his words had been. Answers, yes I needed answers. He hadn’t forgotten.
“For my decisions, my actions, I had promised to reason everything with you.” He spoke again.
I encouraged him with a slight nod, thankful to hear his voice, grateful to, at last, hear him say something.
“I am sure you’ve noticed the unnatural circumstances that brought us here.” He lowered his entwined fingers and placed them in his laps. “If you knew how many sources led me to you, you’d be astonished.” Zayed paused again, when he saw me smile at his words.
“Are they that many?” I murmured, shyly.
“They are too many.” He said, nodding.
“Are you afraid I won’t be able to handle them?” I silently asked.
“I know you won’t.” His jaw hardened.
His serious tone shut me up for a while and the light smile that played on my lips, faded. I grew eager to hear him out. And so I waited again for him to carry on.
“During the period of the engagement, the odd relationship that we shared was very different than that of the normal couples. I wish I could’ve portrayed my role in a better way.”
There he was again, the man of responsibilities, the man on duty. I didn’t know him much but sometimes I felt like he would never be satisfied with himself. No matter how great a job he does, he still feels like it’s not enough. But it is enough; it’s more than enough for me.
“It’s okay. I understand.” I didn’t know what it was that I understood but I tried to act otherwise to keep him going.
“I wish you could understand.” He surprised me with that sentence again. I raised my eyebrows and the corner of my mouth turned down in disapproval. I was unable to reach where he was leading me. I wish he’d be more open when he spoke.
Be Patient!
I remembered my mother’s advice and waited again for him to add more.
“Mahra,” Hearing my name from him, made me melted heat. I was thin air before him. For a while, I was nothing… and then everything. “You are too precious to those who are precious to me.”
What about him? Was I not precious to him?
“I won’t sit here and make promises to you, promises I know I can’t keep.” He rubbed his hands together. I nodded in agreement. I didn’t need promises, I needed loyalty. I didn’t need stars or moons or the galaxy. I needed years and years of marital bliss. I wished my wishes were limited.
“I know that we are supposed to start a new life together,” He spoke at length, his voice, guarded. “But for me things haven’t been going as planned. In fact, I never thought my life would change to such a great extent when I came back home.”
Was he referring to our marriage? I hid a frown.
“But all of this, it isn’t your fault.” He raised his hands in the air, pointing at the room, referring to me. A different look took over his face, a sympathetic one with shades of anger. I watched him run a hand over his face as if preparing himself for a battle he didn’t want to fight. I was trying to seek the hazel eyes but he stole them from me and rested his back on the small chair. “I don’t know where to begin this.” He sighed and my mind went crazy with all the assumptions that I was making already.
What was going on?
My confusion must have been visible on my face because I saw him getting ready for an elaboration again. “Mahra,” He hesitantly said my name in a way like it weighed on him, like it was some kind of a burden and my heart picked up, in an injurious way. I began to worry.
“I don’t know what was it that made you agree to my proposal. From what I hear, you have all the qualities of a good woman that any man wishes for …Of course you have, you’re Hamad’s sister.” He paused, speaking more to himself than to me. I tried to understand what my nervous groom was saying. “But I don’t…. I am not your perfect man… and I don’t think you can be good enough for me either.” He spoke with care and caution, his eyes staring at me, face tense.
I jerked in my place, my eyes wide with disbelief. I think I heard him wrong. I must have heard him wrong.
“I wish you understood the difficult situations that I had to go through. I would never do this to you; neither to myself nor to anyone else, but I had no other choice. You were everywhere I went, on every mind, on every tongue, in every wish. I was obliged.” He exhaled.
Here I convulsed, a shudder beginning from my spine traveled through my body. The hands that were placed in my laps—with the fresh essence of henna— shook like dry leaves in a storm. I felt like someone had just announced my death sentence. I could hear all my happiness and dreams shatter in destruction.
A very long and dull silence dragged by.
“I know I should’ve told you earlier,” He slid forward in his chair, stepping on my dress underneath which my legs shook uncontrollably. “But I couldn’t. I was honest when I said there were too many sources that led me to you. For their sake I couldn’t.”
My head felt heavy and body very light as I stared at the white marble floor. I don’t know what was it that I felt, anger at him or sorrow for myself. But something wrong was happening, a tornado beginning to spin in the pits of my stomach. He was saying something but I wasn’t listening, I had gone in my own world of misery, until his apologetic voice shifted my attention again.
“I told myself in the beginning that I will try, I will try to live a normal life even if it was against my will, but I guess living for others isn’t as easy as I’d thought it’d be.”
Listening to his harsh words, it seemed as if someone had placed a burning coal on my heart and it stung. I was burned, deep and as his silence lengthened the pain extended to reach the core of my heart and then I was all ashes.
If another heavy wind blew, my existence would vanish.
After what it seemed like an eternity, the floor became blurry. I turned away from it to the wardrobe and everything in my sight was blurry as well. My eyes were heavy and a sob made its way to my throat but I held it. I noticed that the cruel man in front of me was silent and I didn’t know what to say either as if I was tongue tied.
“I know I am your husband and you are my wife ‘legally’.” The last word hit my head harder than I had thought it would. I turned quickly to him and found him looking at me. He seemed taken aback with the amount of loath and blame in my eyes for him. “For the world, I am your husband and I will fulfill all my duties, loyally,” He uttered, solemnly. “However forgive me for not being able to share the kind of relationship you’d hoped we would share.”
What amazed me the most was that he seemed unnaturally unfazed when he said those words to me! How could it possibly be? How could someone not feel? Or maybe he had perfected the skill of hiding his emotions. He was too damn good at that, that he had me fooled all this time.
I wanted to scream at him, demand for reasons for ruining me so easily. Ask who on earth gave him the right to crash my happiness, but I knew I couldn’t. If I said one word to him, I’d break into tears and I didn’t want to cry in front of him...him of all people.
And as if my tears had planned to betray me just like my fate, a single teardrop fell from my eye as I stared at my detractor. That was when his apology came.
“Forgive me,” he beseeched, “I never meant to cause you pain.” He said it in a way as if he was hoping for me to reply, but I couldn’t say anything. The cells in my brain were too numb to show any reaction. I gulped the huge lump that was in my throat, not wanting to hear him, his voice, his words, excuses none of it. I angrily shifted my eyes from him to the wall, piercing holes in it.
“Forgive me, Mahra.”
He should stop. He should really stop. I begged in my brain. What was he doing? Why’s he still here? I wanted him to go away and leave me alone, let me be. I needed to be left alone, to restore myself…to understand what just happened.
Instantly I stood up, and he didn’t budge but I couldn’t stay put anymore. My eyes averted between two doors, one from which he had entered and the other belonged to the washroom, which was my escape. I could sense his eyes on me, but paid no heed to them whatsoever and headed to the door.
~*♥*
Grabbing the edge of the stupid long dress, I pulled it in the washroom and closed the door behind me. Resting my back on it, I heard his voice in my ears again; his confession kept repeating in my brain and I began to get confused. If he didn’t want me then why would he come to ask for my hand? Why ruin my life? I didn’t ask for this, I never even wanted to get married.
Thinking back now, I was able to put all the pieces together. The quiet engagement and wedding all of them were signs and right in front of me. I had been too blind. I had been foolish enough to believe him. He had tricked me into marrying him. He’d tricked my brother, my entire family by showing them a total different image of him.
But how could he get away with this? Didn’t anyone know? Didn’t uncle waleed know? Why did they all agree to this? Uncle Waleed had said I was as precious to him as his own daughters, how could he let this happen to me? As I moved from one thought to the other, my heartbeats quickened and tears gushed in my eyes. Without any warning, I broke into sobs.
I cried and cried till my legs could no longer hold me and fell on the cold floor, gasping for breath and a way out of this.
What had I gotten myself into? Why did this have to happen to me?
He chose me probably because I appeared to be too easy for him. And I made myself easy to get, not acting like the strong girl I pretended I was. And he knew that. That sly, fox of a man knew me. Hamad was right when he said this pitiless man was smart. Zayed fooled you too Hamad and look what he did to me. He crushed me like a fallen autumn leave. He’s wounded me like no one has ever done before!
Another sob escaped my lips and I couldn’t stop it. I hugged my knees and put my head between them, weeping into them. I was weaker than I had ever been, shaking from head to toe.
I stayed like that for what it seemed like hours; long, harsh hours, until my tears had all dried and no more wished to come. Feeling tired and sick of the way I was dressed, I made to stand up and managed to do so despite my head spinning, uncomfortably. As I placed my hand on the bathroom countertop for support, my eyes fell on my reflection in the mirror above the sink which I could hardly recognize. Upon seeing the white color of my dress, I remembered the person I wore it for, the jewelry and hair all of them were the reason for the merciless gnawing in my chest.
Warm and salty tears started streaming down my cheeks as I, harshly, took of my necklace, leaving scratches on my neck. Brutally, I reached for the small tiara on my head and pulled it, tearing my veil in the process but I didn’t care. I needed to get away from the feeling of being a bride. I grabbed a few tissues and tried to remove the stubborn mascara that had stained my face and ran all over my cheeks.
Once I was over with what I could do, I looked at my hands that had henna applied on them till the elbows, what was I supposed to do to them? I angrily started rubbing them with some hand wash hoping they’d lighten a bit, but they were too dark. At length when I was no longer able to carry on, I gave up and started crying again.
What good fortune was it that I had? My happiness, couple of hours ago, seemed too distant. I was told on my wedding night by my husband that he never desired to marry me and that he had done it unwillingly. And I realized on my wedding night, that I have married the wrong man. What was I to do now? Where was I to go?
Some part of me had always known that I could never be happy so easily, if I could, then my parents wouldn’t leave me at such a young age. Happiness doesn’t find me so easily, I have to look for it and I am afraid I’d be looking all my life!
As I thought for reasons that would allow this marriage to happen in the first place, my sympathy for myself increased and my hopelessness enraged me. I hated that I had become a powerless victim of this brilliant plan…but I wouldn’t let that happen. I cannot sit here and watch Zayed play his vicious game, without doing anything. I had to make a move.
But what could I possibly do? Where could I possibly go?
Where ever it may be but it was a hell lot away from him. I can’t stay under the same roof with a man who has ruined, perhaps forever, my happiness.
~*♥*
Once I turned to the door, ready to make another escape, this time a bigger one, something sank in my chest; I guess it was my heart. Cleaning off all my tears and ignoring all the sensible voices that kept telling me; Where would I go at this time of the night? I got out of the bathroom… only to find the room empty. The chair that Zayed had been sitting on was right where he had placed it, but he was nowhere to be found.
I walked out of that room and reached a small, dark corridor where I saw another door that was closed. He might be in there, sleeping perhaps. The only man I know who can dare enough to break someone’s heart so ruthlessly and then sleep over it, with a relieved mind.
But not so easily and not so fast!
I made my way to the living room which was dimly lit and saw his egal and ghatra placed on the sofa, in front of the TV. There were two large bags that looked familiar, they belonged to me. I remembered packing them yesterday which, now, seemed like a year ago. Through the windows I could see it was still dark outside, don’t know what time it was but it was late.
If I went out will I find a taxi that could take me home? I could ask someone in the reception to order one for me. I said to myself.
Crazily and almost craving to get away, I reached the door and grabbed the door knob. Not caring about what I am leaving behind, a life that refused to start didn’t worry me, so I opened the door and got out…only to find disappointment.
Yes, it was him, the man who caused all this to me. He had been out and had chosen a good time to come back. He looked at me; disturbance, anger and astonishment were feelings that screamed out of him. A deep frown was what he wore, as if my sight reminded him of a loathsome memory, a brutal death or a great fall. No doubt my expressions were worse but it was his following sentence that surprised me.
“Get inside.” He ordered. That moment I wanted to close the distance between us and punch him hard on the face. How can he dare talk to me like that, after all that he just said and did?! I remained still which urged him to say; “Where the hell do you think you are going looking like this?” He raged, taking a few steps towards me and I, unwillingly, retreated.
It was then that it hit me, what state I was in. Still in my white gown, with my hands and shoulders uncovered, my hair half open, half closed after my failed attempts of getting the pins out of my complicated updo. I was a complete mess but that wasn’t going to shut me up!
He got inside and closed the door behind him; “Where are you going?” He repeated his question, this time a little softly.
“Away from you.” came my blunt reply.
“You can’t leave in such a state,” He pressed, pointing a finger at me. His eyes were cold and unlike him, mine were burning flames.
“That’s none of your business!” I snapped, abruptly exasperated and made an attempt to open the door again but he grabbed my hand and I instantly threw it away. “Don’t you touch me…don’t you dare touch me.” I warned, my voice grim.
He let go of my hand as quickly as he’d taken hold of it and looked at me as if he was dealing with a wild, lunatic person, which baffled me. “Just tell me where you’re headed?” The moronic act of composure which he portrayed had me go insane. I looked away from him.
“I am going home.” I answered, smugly.
“Were you planning on walking all the way?” He rubbed his forehead, and the sarcasm in his words made me want to stab him.
“It’s none of your business.” I cried.
“But you can’t walk till there, can you?” He provoked, his voice held an edge of derision, which made my temper flare and I turned to glare at him.
“I’ll take a freaking cab.”
“You can try your luck but I doubt you’ll find any in this rain.” He stated matter-of-factly. I shook my head at his haughty reply. Hearing his voice was tormenting me now.
“If getting away from you means crumbling in the rain, then so be it.” I confessed. My resentment oozed from every letter of my words. “I can’t stay here another minute.”
“I am not asking you to, but you can’t go home, not tonight.” He replied, his voice full of authority which meant that the topic was over, but I was in no state of listening to him.
“Why? you’re afraid I’ll tell everyone what you’ve done to me?” I aggravated and he glared at me. “Besides, who are you to tell me what to do and what not to do?” I threatened looking up at his tall frame.
“I am the person who is responsible for your immature acts now.” He glared back. “Your family left you in my hands. You are now under my care.”
“You’ve already done a great job at it, haven’t you?” I scrutinized. He pretended to be unaffected but the fury was plain on his face. “I don’t need your gracious help anymore.”
“Don’t make this harder than it already is for me.” He said, curtly, his eyes hard.
“I could say the same thing to you.” I retorted, my voice defensive.
We scowled at each other for a while in silence then he took a step back and exhaled sharply. “Alright, you wanna go home. I’ll take you home.” He offered.
“I don’t need your help.” My stubborn voice said again.
He looked around for a way out of this, I seemed to have been giving him a hard time but this was just the beginning. “Right now, I am the only help that’s available to you.” He pointed out and I grew silent.
“I’d be a fool to believe in you again.” I said, at length. He was waiting for my reply but clearly this wasn’t it.
“I promise I’ll take you there.” He promised, sounding sincere. “Go put something decent on. You can’t go down in this dress.”
I stared at him, perplexed at his sudden flexibility. He didn’t look like the kind who would give up so easily or maybe I was too stubborn.
Once I didn’t move;
“What? You changed your mind?” He asked, with a raised eye brow.
YOU.WISH!
Without any ejaculation, I ran back to my room, where I had placed my Abaya and thought of wearing it above the dress again but that’d be too embarrassing. What will the people say downstairs? Then I remembered my baggage in the living room and opened the door to get it but ‘The Considerate Animal’ had placed it in front of the door for me.
Rolling my eyes and huffing loudly, I grabbed the handle and pulled them inside. Without waiting another second, I unzipped one of them and picked up the simplest jalabia I had bought. It was boring and decent just like he’d said. I put it on, not before struggling clumsily with my dress and removed any sign of make up on my face. In doing so, the bagginess of my puffy eyes became more visible, which made me sad. What will my family say if they saw me like this?
Afraid of changing my mind, I quickly headed out of that room. I didn’t have to think of what my family will say, I had to think about what will happen to me if I stay here. I’d rather be in my grave than under this man’s mercy. I’d rather die than be under his sight!
My eyes fell upon a handbag above the vanity table and I remembered Reem telling me she’d put my bag there. I walked up to it and lifted it in my left hand, thereupon I left the room.
He sat in the living room, holding his head with his hands, rubbing his forehead, when I arrived. His eyes shot up at my approach and we heard a knock at the door. I frowned at the bizarreness of that. Who could it be? Has he called someone here? Is he not going to take me?
My eyes brows settled back when I saw the bellboy, here to carry our luggage. Zayed handed him his small bag and turned to me questioningly. “Did you pack your stuff?” He asked walking towards me.
“What stuff?” I replied, taken a back. He shook his head and walked up to the room, I followed him.
Both my bags were packed and standing, I’d thrown all my jewelry in there but there was no room for my dress so I tossed it on the bed. He left the dress and carried the bags.
What about the dress? I thought, looking at it. We couldn’t just leave it in the hotel’s custody. Besides I was going away from him, forever, I wouldn’t want to see him for as stupid a reason as my dress. But then, good riddance, once I am home, I am ending all this marriage crap.
“I’ll have it taken care of.” came his voice, as he saw me looking at the dress and handed the bags to the bellboy. I had a very strong urge to roll my eyes right there and then, but if I had he wouldn’t have seen because he was already leaving the suite and I was supposed to walk after him, for the first and last time.
With a storm of different thoughts in my head and my eyes following his white kandoorah, I never realized when we reached the reception. The world around me was blocked and I felt as if I had slipped into a darker place.
He left me sit alone in the lounge of the ground floor, and went to talk to the receptionist, himself. I stared at him, feeling nothing but despair. Where once I used to think he was the reason for my happiness in this world; now he reminded me of lost souls, scarlet dreams and the death of pride- my pride.
There was only one way to deal with this, to leave and that’s what I will do. I will leave, carrying my pain and sorrow on my shoulders. It was stupid of me to forget that I was for pain, I was for tears… I have always been.
Without realizing my eyes had become watery, I blinked them away when I saw him coming towards me. He ushered to the door where a bellman was waiting for him with his car keys. I saw his car parked in front of the entrance and it was raining, pouring outside. It was the first rain of winter this year and any wish in the first rain will always be answered, I had heard.
So I closed my eyes for a split second and prayed. Looking up at the dark clouds, I felt like they were my dreams who had lost their way to the heavens. I wished my aspirations would travel to the sky and rain on me.
“Thank you for your visit Ma’am.” The bellman’s voice snatched me out of my trance. I turned to him and saw him holding the passenger seat’s door open for me. I thanked him and opened the right rear door which was a place where I could be as far away from ‘my husband’ as possible. The act didn’t go unnoticed, and to cover up Zayed turned to the bellman and tipped him.
That was the last thing I saw before I buried my face in my hands, thinking for an explanation when I get home.
~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*
We hope you liked this chp and its shocking twists. Whatever you think u can say in the comments but we would appreciate it if you think before commenting. We have been receiving some comments that have questioned our traditions and our way of life in not such a good way, which is offensive. We are just two teenage girls, writing a story that defines our lifestyle and just to be clear we’re not preaching or teaching how to practice Islam.
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~*'♥ Lot's of love from the witers
~Witty & Witch