⏳ ZOE, June
He was hiding something from me.
I wasn't entirely sure what was going on or how bad the news was going to be when he actually did say something, but I could definitely tell something was up. He was being secretive. He was slamming his laptop shut every time I walked by.
It was really hard to give him his space and not be nosy, but I remembered a conversation we'd had. I made him a promise that I wouldn't press for information. He promised me that he'd tell me everything in time. So I held up my end of the deal, hoping he'd do the same.
"I don't know what to think. I mean, it can't be that horrible?" I said to Skye when we met up for lunch on my first day off that week. Adam was still recovering from chemo so he was napping. Calvin was supposed to drop by when he got off for lunch, so he wouldn't be alone at home for too long. I was going back there soon too anyway.
"I'm sure he'll tell you when he's ready," Skye assured me.
I fell asleep next to him that night and he still hadn't said anything. The next morning I got up really early, before the sun was even up, even though I had the day off today as well. I went downstairs and let Joplin out into the backyard so that she could do her business. I made myself a bowl of cereal, knowing that Adam would probably be asleep for a few hours still. I'd make him some breakfast later on.
I showered and shaved my legs. I did my hair and makeup. I wore cute denim shorts and a new tank top Adam had never seen me in before. It wasn't anything too special, I still looked like me, but it still felt nice to get all prettied up for him. Today we were going out on a picnic date and I wanted it to be special. I wanted every good day to be special, to make up for the bad ones.
I put on some music and started preparing the food we'd be bringing along with us. I'd gone and done some grocery shopping yesterday so the fridge was jammed with all sorts of healthy foods and drinks.
I made finger sandwiches with whole-grain bread. Chicken was good and high in protein, so I made a chicken salad with vegetables he could actually tolerate. Carrots were good. Tomatoes were not. He liked cheese, especially the sharper kind, so I cut up some of those and put the cubes in a Tupperware container. I did the same thing with some fruits.He didn't like anything spicy anymore. He couldn't do too sweet. Most things had to be kind of bland. I also picked up a bottle of red wine for the occasion. I didn't know why. It just felt nice and fancy. I also had a bottle of sparkling cider because I knew he wasn't the biggest fan of wine, and maybe he wouldn't be up for any alcohol, even if it was just a glass.
By the time he came downstairs, it was almost eleven o'clock.
"Morning," he said, his voice still a little groggy from sleep.
"Hi," I smiled and went over to kiss him, my hand lingering on his bare chest for just a few seconds longer than necessary.
"You got some work done," he chuckled, surveying all of my handy work on the counter. A small smirk tugged at his lips. "You going on a hot date?" he wondered.
"Yeah, with a hot guy," I replied mischievously.
"Well, have fun... I guess I'll just... hang out here all day... alone," he sighed dramatically and fell down heavily over the armrest of the couch, spreading his arms and legs out like a starfish as he went.
"Maybe I can take you along," I suggested, walking over to him and kneeling on the thick rug so that I was now level with his head. I ran my fingers over the dark peach fuzz and he tilted his face toward me, eyes closed. I almost expected him to start purring like a cat. "If you behave..." I murmured softly and kept up the rhythmic motions over his skin.
"Oh, I make no promises of behaving myself," he drawled, taking my hand and pulling me on top of him. I squeaked at the sudden and very much unexpected movement. All of a sudden I was straddling his hips and he had his hands up my shirt, unfastening my bra. My hair fell all over him and he was kissing me completely breathless.
He hadn't done that in a while.
"Oh man," I gasped when he released me. His hands were still firm against my breasts and my nipples were perked up in anticipation.
"I still got it?" he smirked.
"Oh, you definitely still got it," I giggled and kissed him again, just for good measure. I ran my hands up his stomach and brushed the scars that twisted and gnawed all along his side. "Oh hey, babe, I have something really, really sexy to tell you," I said suddenly and his mouth formed into a devilish grin.
"Mhm," he urged me on and I leaned close to his ear, my breath soft and warm against his skin. I could feel the goosebumps on his arms and I relished in the power I held over him.
"You need to take your pills," I whispered.
"Oh so hot, I'm so hard, take me now," he audibly groaned and I burst into a fit of giggles as his whole body suddenly deflated underneath me. He gave me a playful shove and I tumbled down onto the rug below. "God, I fucking love you," he chuckled.
"Yeah, I kind of guessed," I grinned.
It took us a bit longer to actually make it back into the kitchen, but we did. He took all of his pills and vitamins. I made him a protein shake and cooked him some eggs. I missed this so much whenever I was at my apartment. I loved waking up with him and spending lazy mornings just hanging out. It was so easy and simple, very domestic. But then sometimes I found that I also liked having my own space.
I just needed to figure things out sometimes, alone, without him there. Sometimes I felt like he needed his space too, time to think about things and allow all of it to sink in. I wondered what it was like for him when he was completely alone. What did he think about?
What was he keeping secret from me?
That was still weighing so heavily on my mind. So I let myself agonize over it some more as he went upstairs to shower after breakfast. I thought about the absolute worst case scenarios first. His cancer was spreading faster than expected. The chemo wasn't working. OK, now I was even more worried than before. Thanks a lot, brain. I sat down on the floor with Joplin and scratched her belly while I contemplated the positives. The chemo was actually working better than they'd thought. His cancer was under control for the moment. He was looking at clinical trials.
I was well aware that right now there wasn't anything they could do. His cancer was far too aggressive and far too advanced for any trials to accept him. But what if there was something new? What if we still had some hope to cling onto?
OK, so I didn't really feel any better now that I'd let myself think about it.
But what if it had nothing to do with the cancer at all? That wasn't all he had on his mind, surely. He could be planning a surprise getaway, maybe to Washington or North Carolina. That seemed pretty plausible.
I was thinking about how much time off I could take from the hospital this summer for some traveling when he came back downstairs, freshly washed and dressed in jeans and a nice gray t-shirt. He had a baseball cap on his head. At a glance, he just looked like a thin, 6'7" guy about to go out to enjoy the day. He didn't look sick. He didn't look like he was dying.
"Almost ready," I told him and packed up all of the things that were meant to be refrigerated. He helped me with the last bits and then we were driving off. I had my sunglasses on and I smelled of sunscreen. We rolled the windows down and blasted rock music. It was a perfect, sunny day. We were going to have a ton of fun.
The park was pretty crowded when we arrived. There were kids playing on the playground and parents watching from benches. A few people had their dogs and Joplin was so ready to go play with them. Adam struggled to keep a handle on her leash.
"Joplin. Down. Come, next to me," he commanded. It took a few tries before she finally listened. He shortened her leash and she walked right between us as we looked for a slightly secluded spot, preferably underneath a tree so we'd have some shade to lie under.
"There?" I suggested, pointing. It was a huge tree a few yards away from where people were scattered. We'd have a bit more privacy, a lot of shade and a pretty good view.
"Yeah," he agreed and we made our way over.
I unfolded the thick blanket and let it fall neatly over the grass. I got down on all fours to adjust the corners and Adam got to work, unpacking the basket and cooler.
"Are you OK?" I asked when I sat down and got a good look at his face for the first time since we were in the car. He looked a bit pale, like the walk over here hadn't done him too much good.
"Yeah, hungry," he replied with a shrug.
"Really? That's good," I grinned and opened up one of the Tupperware containers.
The small talk came easily. We talked about my work and I caught him up on all of the hospital gossip. It wasn't anything too exciting, very unlike an episode of Grey's Anatomy, but he listened to every single word anyway. I noticed he barely ate anything, instead just nibbling on the same bit of vegetable for minutes on end.
When we were all done catching up on the happenings of our lives when we were apart, we leaned back and just watched the people around us. We made up ridiculous stories about their lives, adding as much drama as possible until we were cracking each other up with just how crazy it sounded.
It was his turn to pick a pair of people. He scanned the surroundings and I noticed his expression change slightly. He got a bit too serious, like he was really trying to think of his story.
"I think that guy is gonna pop the question to his girl," he said and I followed his gaze to a young couple walking down the dirt path holding hands and talking closely together.
"They look like they're teenagers!" I argued back. They had to be sixteen or seventeen, maybe eighteen, but definitely no older than that. "I think he really loves her, but she's about to break up with him. She's seeing somebody else behind his back," I countered and gave him a devious grin, waiting for him to add his own bit of juicy drama.
"But she's also pregnant. She doesn't know who the dad is," he smirked.
"Oh, that's good... OK, um, the guy she's having an affair with is a lot older than her. He's twice her age." I paused for a moment and gasped out loud. "He's best friends with her dad!" I said excitedly.
"Oh girl!" he said in a high-pitched squeak that had me in the fetal position laughing. I almost spilled my glass of wine.
It took me a few minutes to calm down. I pushed myself back up into a sitting position and scooted over so I could lean my head down on his shoulder.
"This is perfect," I said happily and took a sip of wine.
"Yeah, you are," he replied, his voice smooth and soft against my skin as he leaned down to plant a kiss on my jaw, and then another one right under my earlobe. I was still getting used to the lack of scratchy beard whenever he kissed me like that.
"God, you're so cheesy," I chuckled.
He picked up a cube of cheese from one of the Tupperware containers and popped it in his mouth in its entirety. "Mhm. Really cheesy," he smirked.
We were silent for a while. It was comfortable and effortless. We didn't have to talk at all. We could just sit together with Joplin lying at our feet. There was music playing softly from somewhere nearby. I didn't know the song, but I bobbed my head to the beat anyway.
Then, all too soon, everything changed. I could feel the tension radiating from him and I knew something was coming. He was preparing himself to say something big.
"So I have something to talk to you about," he said solemnly, and in that moment I knew he was going to tell me whatever had been on his mind this last week. He cleared his throat and looked down at his hands. OK, so this was bad news.
"Adam," I began, straightening up so that we were facing each other properly. My heart was racing in my chest. What was wrong?
But then he looked up and actually smiled brightly at me, his dimple showing in all of its glory now that the lower half of his face wasn't completely covered in a thick beard. It was the kind of smile that made my heart ache. It reached all the way to his dark brown eyes. The skin at the corners crinkled a little bit. He looked so much happier and healthier.
"Adam, you're worrying me," I said, despite the smile that was spreading slowly on my own face. His was contagious. What was going on?! I didn't know what to think anymore. "It's OK! Just tell me!" I urged him.
He nodded once.
"OK," he let out a nervous breath. "I wanna do this right, so..." He trailed off and shifted his position on the picnic blanket. I knew what was happening the moment he got on one knee.
"Oh my God," I whispered, my shaking hands clasped over my mouth.
He reached in his back pocket and I watched through a stream of silent tears as he presented me with a beautiful velvet box. He popped it open and I let out a single sob. It was a diamond ring: simple and dainty in white gold. Small diamonds twisted around the band, and a bigger rock sat cozily in the center.
"Adam," I whispered, completely at a loss. I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting everything else, but certainly not this. Holy cow.
It was—wow. Holy shit, he was really doing this.
"I love you... God, I'm so crazy about you, Zo... and I know everything is happening really fast... and it's insane, but it's real, Zoe... You make me better. You make this whole shit show of a situation better. Some parts are gonna be hard, real hard. It won't always be sexy. It'll probably be really gross. But I want to be in your future for as long as I can, as your husband. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So... it's up to you, if you want me. If you want to be my wife... Will you marry me?" he asked softly.
I let out a choked giggle.
"Are you absolutely sure?" I replied, because those were the words he said to me when I made a similar speech just a few months ago.
"I've never been more certain of anything in my entire life," he replied confidently, reaching a hand out to take mine.
"Then... yes, of course I'll marry you, Adam Byrne... I love you too," I stretched out my fingers and smiled through my tears as he slipped the ring on. It fit perfectly, like it was made to be right there. It was gorgeous, don't get me wrong, but I would've still said yes to him even if he'd proposed to me with a blade of grass.
"I love you," I smiled and melted into his arms.
We fell back together onto the blanket and he held me close to him. I put my hands on either side of his face and kissed him. He kissed me back with everything he had. His lips were soft and slow against mine, but the familiar urgency made the butterflies in my belly flutter around a little bit faster.
I couldn't tell you who knocked down the bottle of cider, drenching us both with the sparkling liquid. Or maybe it was the red wine? We didn't care. In that moment, we were blissfully happy and our laughter blended together like a perfect melody. We'd worry about the mess later.