Letter to Barbara
December 1990 Prasanthi Nilayam
Dear Barbarakka!
Sai Ram, I received your letter dated 9 November in mid-December. What an effort you put into it! All those pages and questions! But you will be rewarded (fruits of actions, the things we must be detached from!). That is exactly the type of letter (questions especially) that inspires me to write many pages.
I think it was about the museum tragedy in the letter before last to you, that I so rudely ended mid-sentence to hurriedly send it off to USA, because someone was leaving just at that moment.
Well, our so-nice Bonnie was also one who got crushed by the ill-made Gopuram, her blood also marred the tiles of the museum (forgive me for being, uh, attached, shall we say). Joan Brown, Bonnie Mainrich and one boy Michael (24 years old, also from San Francisco Center) were working all day on a big huge (15 foot) sculpted stupa, for about one or two months beforehand. Joan had made one like it and it seems that Swami had seen a picture of it (in Jan 1990, about) and told Joan that He also wanted one, with a moat and all, to be centerpiece in the upcoming museum. Joan returned to USA and sculpted it with small tiles, and returned here bringing it in huge crates, in great grand style (it was transferred from Bombay to Puttaparthi in a lorry). Thus Joan, Bonnie and Michael set to work reassembling and painting it. In the center of the museum, as wished by Sai.
Meanwhile, the museum's 3-stories were pretty much complete, and the workers were hard at work completing the three gopurams towering above. Later I found that the Madras contractor had made the gopurams faulty, too heavy for their foundation. The museum was like the Round Buildings, as it was empty in the middle, floors going around the center.
They had just cemented the tops of the gopurams. Swami informed the contractors one or more of the following (depending on who you talk to) three full days before it happened:
1. Middle gopuram needed weight reduced by 50%
2. Middle gopuram needed a bar placed through its center because it was too heavy
3. No one was to go into museum for three days (while the cement dried)
So, everyone left, workers and all, for three days. The front door was barred shut with those wonderful Indian sticks (logs?). There were several foreigners, painting signs outside the museum.
Meanwhile, Joan and Michael had been hard at work daily. Bonnie had gone to Bangalore for a few days before, to look after a sick cancer patient in Bangalore (one Mataji from Malaysia, she died two months later). Bonnie had returned the night before it happened.
Swami had been coming regularly to see the museum's work, and also theirs. He made comments like, "Oh! The deer's eye is nice!" or, "Change that yellow color to blue," etc. His attention, of course, thrilled and inspired them.
Now, they were warned with folded hands by the contractor himself, not to enter the museum for three days. Swami ordered it, etc. They said, "Only a few minutes more work and we'll complete it," "Swami will protect us," etc. The three of them, and one other lady from Mexico - boldly entered through the barred doors and began completing the Stupa. After sometime the outside foreigners invited them to go to lunch, they were immersed in their work and refused. The others left.
About 2pm, the middle gopuram top, right above their heads, crashed to the ground suddenly. Joan was hit worst - her and her stupa were in bits scattered around, instantly killed. Bonnie was instantly killed. Michael had injuries to his neck and chest. The Mexico lady had been several yards away from the others, she was unhurt, not even scratched. She began to call names - only Michael answered. She dug him out and he was rushed to Bangalore hospital by van. He died mid-way. Susan Caffery and Carol Goodpasture (of SF Center - she had arrived with Bonnie the night before) were called in to identify the bodies.
Swami seemed to avoid the subject totally. Someone said He sent a telegram to Joan's husband, something like, "The created has merged in the Creator" or something like that, that made it sound like she had merged in the Stupa! Ah yes, that morning Joan had had first line and an incredible deep stare by Swami that completely blew her away (how to say, "took her breath away"?) - she had told several people about it.
As for me and what I feel, hmmm, of course it is a blessing to die while immersed in the Lord's seva, in Prasanthi Nilayam, but, what about: what a sickening, tragic way to go? What if there was fear? (Bonnie's face had shocked expression). Would Sai be there to counter-act any bad after-death experiences, or did He leave them on their own, as He tends to do in life? Why isn't He making any positive comments on it, or any comments in fact? So, as with most of us here, I have very mixed feelings about it.
Now that I've spent six pages remembering tragedy, I will go on to your letter's questions!
Thank you for the beautiful Christmas card, so cleverly unsigned. Ah, how well you know me! You know I like to recycle things, and now I can re-use the unsigned card. To you also - Holy XMas, Blissful, Grace-ful 1991!
Well! I have been having positively horrible luck in the lines. Yet, even from afar, to see the lotus face and sweet smiles with raised eyebrows is, what to say, Bliss. :-) Swami finds many an opportunity to welcome people with delighted smiles. Hair blowing in the gentle winds, robe splattered with rain drops when He comes in soft rains, or the calculating look when He searches the eager faces to see how far to throw the candies off Birthday trays! Daily life with the Lord.
Unlike 60th B-day, as far as I could understand, Swami didn't really give any grand great informative message or future predictions. He simply brought the people's attention to what He's doing - Grand Things!
To my eyes, I don't think it was much more people than 60th B-day, especially if you count by how many came to the functions. The Stadium always had place in the last half, although the "bleachers" were full to capacity on all the days. Someone said estimates were 1,250,000 people. 60th B-day they said 750,000, yes? Swami had predicted 2,500,000, I think He included those who wished to come also, yes?
However, the ashram was always abuzz with activity, thousands always wandering about. The tents they constructed behind the sheds were full and well-used, but even then every inch of space was full with luggage and people in the Ashram. They made homes the full length of South Prasanthi walk-way, all under the flower-trees they slept, making it very difficult to pluck the flowers! All buildings except Round Houses, were verandah-capacity, full of people. Even the new West Prasanthis 7, 8, & 9! When it rained on 16 November, the masses outside rushed frantically to the new West Prasanthis before they were even opened! When, several days later, the new owners arrived to their allotted rooms, it must have been nice stepping over luggage and bodies to get there, ha, ha! Of course, the Sarva Dharma Stupa area was naturally full of luggage and drying clothes, couldn't walk through, no passage. We walked past the stores to get to the other side. One nice thing was that they opened all the roofs for people to sleep on. Every small space utilized!
It's true that it would have been too agonizing for you to come for only a few days of crowd craziness then have to lave. My prayers are that you'll be able to come for "summer vacation" the less-crowded nice Brindavan darshans, but mostly Kodai/Ooty stay. He did not go to Kodai Kanal/Ooty in 1990. Hopefully He'll go this year, with you along! :-)
You are lucky indeed to have the Inward Gaze! For most residents here it seems they have no inner or outer gaze - just a blank, bleak present! How sad! As for the outer, many devotees the world over are going about feeling it's a dream or that they are robots. My mother is one big case! I tell her not to worry but it seems to overwhelm her. I can't remember if I told you, she wanted to know why you hadn't called her the last time you arrived back from here (Parthi). She said that you always contacted her before. I said you were busy with "Matro Devo Bhavah, Pitro Devo Bhavah" (feeling parents as God and serving them!).
Oh! Yes, it's awful to go without bhajans. One must always keep in touch with them. "Where my Glory is sung there I manifest Myself" (Oh! Whenever I attempt to quote Swami I can't help remembering that fateful day in Ramanashram when we attempted unsuccessfully to give one simple quote of Swami's to Ram Sarat Kumar - the pain of the memory!) Yes, Akhanda Bhajan went off well this year. Swami came several times throughout the 24 hours. The students sat in the Mandir, full even throughout the night, with no chance of any of us getting inside. I was, most unfortunately, over-loaded with work and babysitting so was not able to see Swami often enough. Yes, the intensity of hearing the bhajans day and night was so nice and comforting, I also wish it could be every weekend! At the end, prasadam was served to all (sweet rice & spicy rice).
During the entire Akhanda bhajan was the great sari giveaway (excluding foreigners). (I think I wrote you about that in the Birthday letter.)
Swami opened the museum on 19th November. To my approval, the three Gopurams were in suspended animation throughout the festivities, that is to say they were left uncompleted with scaffolding and all, unpainted, ignored. There were tours daily, I heard. Ah yes, Swami ordered the destruction of the tops (tips) of the other two gopurams. Workers bashed the tip-tops to death and threw the pieces over the edge of the building (!), right on the mountain, right in the path of the base of the mountain where they were constructing new bathrooms (end of South Prasanthi). Surprisingly no one was hit by the thrown, rolling rubble. Swami's Grace. Finally, in mid-December, they got the order to continue completion of the three Gopurams, much to my dismay. I considered it a fit punishment of the building to be left uncompleted (Oh dear! Forgive my bias-ness!)
Although tours are given daily (I heard only the ground floor is complete), no matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to go inside and walk on the blood-splattered floors. Several other residents feel likewise. (Note in 2012: when my parents visited me in 1997, I finally entered for the first time, because they wanted to see a tour of the Museum.)
When Swami went last to Brindavan it was actually still pretty crowded here. It was nice though, no tension, no pushing and no security people combing the areas to throw out the "kicked out" devotees. Of course I miss His Darshan and am tempted often to go to Him, when He is not in Puttaparthi, but a little contemplation on the atmosphere of Whitefiled, and I decide to wait for Him to return!
Onto your next question, Venkamma is OK lately. She's discovered a very good Indian ayurvedic medicine. For a long time, maybe two months, she had hardly any indigestion (gas trouble). Now just lately it's returned again.
Yes, she's still cooking for Swami daily. He takes about half to three-fourths of each vegetable curry daily, and occasionally empties a curry container completely! Occasionally I get prasad but not daily, for she says I will go "paina" - I think we can translate that as elated ego! Taken daily one does not appreciate prasad so much, she seems to say.
Well, Venkamma's great-graddaughter Vijai Sri came for a whole three weeks during Birthday time. I need not repeatedly describe the cyclone-state of the house or nerves of those there. It was OK with her clinging onto me, I did my duty but after a week I truly got worn-patience and started to avoid the house except for my necessary duties, like giving/making flowers and heating bath water for them all. I started wishing they'd go and would discourage the kid at all costs, even if she yelled or cried.
I can tell you honestly that I was happy they went and I don't miss them. Sorry - no mother instincts in me. Whosh! So much trouble!! It's done one thing, it's made me respect mothers. I wrote my mother praising her for how she lived through the upbringing of three, certainly worse than a prison and slavery combined. She was appreciative of my praises of her!
Now all the new West Prasanthis (7, 8 & 9) are "officially" allotted. There’s a note on Narayana's door (now in Kutumba Rao's place in the ashram hierarchy) to the affect that "no inquiries of room-allotments will be entertained" There's still a deluxe flat complex arising behind the EHV building. The rooms are supposed to be double ones, for office workers (the high-up ones, no doubt). However I hear that for a "small" donation of $8,000, one can secure one. Never mind - after a few years I'm sure they'll build West Prasanthis 10, 11, & 12! Still there is space behind Round Houses 4 & 5! Also, I've heard that owners are being asked to cough up more $$ because the value of the rooms has gone up, haha! I struggle to understand all this and the thought enters that it does control the number of people giving checks. I suppose if the prices were low, everyone would be giving checks, expecting a room, and staying on & on! Yes, Swami could still refuse all the checks, I suppose. Who knows. As for me, I understand it is not my karma to have the benefit of a quiet room. I suppose seeing the One in the Many is my path at this time. Jai Bhagavan!
Oh! You are lucky to see nice videos of Swami. That Kodai Kanal one sounds like a treasure! So you are getting special Darshan that we can't have. :-)
I can't remember at the moment if I've ever had "desk-dream" of Swami! I haven't had any dreams of Swami in a long, long time!
I did have an interesting dream lately, but Swami wasn't in it.
After Birthday, Swami sent to each and every room in the ashram, and each person in the two (gents & lades) Ganesha sheds: 10 coconuts, 10 laddues, 10 kgs rice. It seems He had leftovers from Birthday. Imagine, 10 per person! I was in the shed and didn't get a thing, not a thing. Venkamma got about 50 laddus, 30 coconuts and 140 kgs rice but, didn't give me any! One old lady (Sitamma, the one now in Kasturi's old room) gave me 1 coconut and 2 laddues out of her supply. Alas, I was not content and continued to moan to Swami, only I'm left out, all the other people got His prasad but not me. Then I had the dream. Scene: a big storehouse full of - you guessed it! - coconuts, laddues and rice. Everyone was loading their share (10 each, of course). I was also counting out mine and putting in a nice big bag. Suddenly, a gang of kidnappers barged in, going to capture all the people there! Oh! I quickly developed tyagam (renunciation) and renounced all my supplies, dropping the bag with both arms outstretched. I quickly slipped out a side door, down a narrow alley lined with cottages, and entered a huge obstacle course. Only if I finished successfully would I be safe from possible kidnappers pursuing me. Soooooo, through the forests, past oceans and mountains I struggled through and finally, finally reached the end - safe forever. Then I awoke. Needless to say, from then onward I felt comforted, even though I did not get the prasad. :-)
During the festival the Foreigners Canteen (abbreviated FC) worked smoothly, minus of course Bonnie whose karma (good or bad?) dictated otherwise. Personally I couldn't enter into the FC due to some strong force which pulled me over to the Indian side - Yum! Could a teaspoon of dull curry and a tablespoon of white rice at the FC compare to the big round corn-chappatis (North Indian style), blobs of spicy veggie rice and lumps of curd rice available to our heart's content over in the Indian side? No! Also breakfast: FC only had two pieces of cold toast (generous in butter, I have to admit) and some cold, saltless, sugerless porridge, and sugerless tea. Buuuuuuuut, Indian side had delicious lumps of hot upma and cups of over-sweetened tea. Yum, yum! I know what the FC had because Venkamma and her family got sickened by upma every single day, and resorted to me getting toast for them at the FC one fine day. Sheesh! These foreigners have NO respect for Swami's family, I had to fight to get them more than two plates. They said, "Everyone is Sai's family" and didn't want to give more. Can you believe it. Of course, they Indian lines were admittedly long but after one and a half hour it wasn't so bad.
Also, the food had strange effects of filling us up after only eating a little, and leaving us with nil between-meal hunger.
They set up cooking (on open-air wood stoves) behind our shed. Oh! The fumes that engulfed us day and night! Throats were choked, eyes burning, and there was a constant smoky haze difficult to see through, even inside our shed. How the seva dals lived through it, I'll never know. Happily, after the festival Swami was very busy giving prasad (vibhutti) and namaskar to all the seva dals. He gave to hundreds a day, for several days. Seva Dals were the ONLY ones in the Darshan compound! As usual, He gave the Orissa sevaks (in charge of bathrooms) saris (dhotis to the gents).
As for Rohani, her secret became known. She was in Puttaparthi all along, doing tapas in her room, didn't come out at all. A servant brought her supplies and water. Like that she lived. I saw her near the end of the self-imposed tapas and she looked transformed, shining. For Birthday she came out again, and now she's back to coming daily for Darshan. Now she looks the same as before. She's more careful not to run around so much. Anyway things are stricter here. No one is allowed to sit outside the wall for Darshan (during bhajan is allowed). One must sit inside or far off, like on South Prasanthi stairs. No one can follow Swami's movements, they must sit in one place only. Cannot stand at window for bhajan, etc., etc.
Same people here as usual. Vidya suddenly got Citizenship! Yes, after 12 years and her fighting hard, they granted it to her. Meanwhile, SH has decided that tapas is best for her, and went away for two months during Birthday. She came for 10 days in December then went again. She's decided to spend her days in sadhana in Ramanasharm, doing meditation and seeking the company of sadhus. Irmgard and all the rest are still here.
I told sweet but sour-faced Varena about her photo being signed. She replied that at one time, it was reported that amrit appeared on one of her photos - but it had nothing to do with her. Then she walked away, glum as ever!
I wasn't involved at all in this year's Christmas program, I retired from that two years ago! I've heard some stories of troubles and personality fights, but also of enthusiastic people too. For some odd reason, something of a bad mood came over me this Christmas, although I did my best to fight it. Some churning. But life goes on, isn't it? :-)
On Christmas eve, the foreigners got seated as usual in the section facing the Mandir. They sang nice Christmas songs, new ones this time. Swami seemed to be in a really good mood, blissful, smiling, blessing and giving plenty of Darshan. He sat outside on the verandah and watched it all. This year, there was no Elizabeth and no Al Drucker to direct things, on Sylvia from USA took charge. She worked very hard and really did a good job.
XMas day, the foreigners sat separate again (front row to Drama people). Swami again looked blissful and wandered around a lot. He gave saris to the old students and Laddus were given to students and to all the foreigners.
XMas night consisted of the old students functions (four speakers) and two foreigner speakers on XMas (somehow, there's something amusing about hearing gruff, elderly foreigners using words and grammar like, "Ananda" and "I suppose it's our karma"!). Then Swami gave His Divine Conversation. :-) Then the foreigner children put on a delightful drama of Shirdi's life (mostly). All loved young Shirdi running to the mosque shouting, "Jai Rama! Jai Sita!" and interrupting Vedic chants in a temple with, "Allah! Allah Ho Akbar!". Also the scene with a young Sathya Sai (in shorts, white short-sleeved shirt and curly hair) was a great success!
Now, crowds are slowly going. Swami will of course be here for Sports Day/Sankranti on 14 January. After, we don't know. No rumors yet. He might go and return for Sivarathri, or stay until mid-February.
Now its the Ice-Age and very chilly still. Darshan is the latest I ever remember it - 8am! Bhajan, still 9am. Evening Darshan, 4 or 4:30pm, Bhajan at 5:30pm. The Ashram is vacant by 7:30pm! All in their rooms.
Soooo, All for now! Teresa has presented me with a parcel of approximately one ton weight-wise (book and photos) for you. Who will take it, I yet know not. Stay tuned.
Lokaa Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu! Keep well! Come soon! Be Happy!
Love,
Divya