( Picca of le O'Dell twins to the right! Just imagine a chelsea smile for Alex, and imagine it a bit more evil looking for Mikey. Also imagine lip rings, stretchers and septum piercings. Enjoy )
-
"Andy Sixx is ready to kill Mikey.."
"Meh, he was about to crack some time,"
"Nah that's what it says on Kerrang," Alex explained and tossed the magazine over to me. We were skipping the last period of school because both of us were absolutley shit at geography, and now we were sitting in the skate park, drinking monster, having a smoke and reading Kerrang. There was a picture of Oli Sykes in it this week and don't get me wrong, his music had helped me and Alex through a lot of stuff, but damn did that boy need to grow his hair back.
"Hey Mikey?"
"Yes little brother?" I smiled and opened my arms out, to which he smiled and crawled over to me. Resting his head on my shoulder, he took a sip of the monster and then handed it over to me. "What's up?"
"I dunno," he murmured. "Just earlier..in Gym-"
"If that teacher was giving you shit because of Hunter, I swear to God I'll-"
"No, no!" He assured me and took hold of my hand, stroking his thumb over my fingers like I normally did with him. "It's just..there was this guy, Tom..and-"
"He hurt you?" I demanded. "Cause I will fucking end-"
"He asked me out Mikey,"
"Oh..well..that's um.." i struggled a little for words as I took in what my little brother had just told me. He'd been asked out on a date? Like a real date? With dating? I knew that Alex was bi but I just never thought that anyone would actually ask him out. Not in the way that I think he's uncapable of a relationship. But..Alex had too much shit on his plate. A relationship would just make it worse. He wouldn't be able to handle it. Unless it was with me.
"Mikey?"
Looking at my brother, I sighed. "I need a smoke,"
"Why are you getting angry about this?" He demanded as I flipped out a box of cigarrettes. I'd bought a bunch of Hunter yesterday and found one of my Dad's old lighteres, so for a few days I was set.
"Angry? What are you talking about? I'm not angry," I muttered as I lit the cigarrette and took a long draw. It started to burn my throat but I still didn't stop, I just kept inhaling and inhaling and inhaling until finally Alex took it from me and I had to blow it all out. "Give it back,"
"You are angry," he said quietly. "And just light another one, I want this."
"God," I mumbled and reached back into my school bag to take one out again. I was more hesitant as I lit this one, but I still took in a freakishly long inhale just to relax me. "I'm not angry Alex, I swear."
"Yes you are," he groaned. "Why are you angry?"
"Because I don't want anyone hurting you!"
"They wont, I'm fine."
"Sure you are Alex, sure you are."
"Why are you being so mean?" He whimpered.
"Why are you being so sensitive? Do you think anyone's gonna put up with all your shit? No. They'll get tired after the first day. You're never gonna find anyone who's gonna sit down with you and tell you the things I tell you. I'm the only one who can protect you. Just me, no one else."
I didn't care that what I was saying was offensive. It was true. Well maybe it wasn't, I dunno. I just didn't want my brother getting into dating. Dating would lead to relationships and with each step he took, he'd be walking further and further away from me. I didn't know what I'd do without him. My only purpose in living was to keep him safe. If I couldn't do that..then I'd have nothing.
"I'm never gonna find anyone?" He whispered, looking up at me with those fucking beautiful eyes. "...ever?"
"You've already got me," I said; trying to force a smile. "That's all you need,"
"But I don't wanna be alone forever,"
"You wont be. You have me,"
"But you're not enough MIkey!" He cried and tossed the Monster down the ramp. "I want someone to love me in more than a brotherly way! I can't go my whole life depending on you! I want a relationship! I don't wanna be stuck in this hell hole for the rest of my life!"
"Alex don't get upset,"
"I'm not upset," he slapped my hand away as i reached out for him. "Do you just not want me to be happy? Do you think that it would be embarrassing for your ugly ass, fucked up brother to find love first? Is that what this is about? You've already got everything Mikey! Why can't I just have one thing to myself for once?!"
"I'm the one who protects you," I hissed; feeling my anger rise in me. "I protect you. No one else. Mom doesn't care-"
"Mikey stop,"
"Dad doesn't care, hell even you don't care." I snapped. "So tell me, if your own family don't care about you Alex..then why the hell would anyone else?"
***
( Alex )
I was drawing pictures. Sat in the bathroom, drowning in my own tears, drawing ladders on my wrists with razors.
Maybe it was stupid to cut over a brotherly fight. Maybe it was immature. But I didn't know what else to do and besides, Mikey was right, no one did care. I didn't get that "release" you're supposed to get when you cut. It only stung a little. Actually it barely stung at all.
I was so mad at Mikey. I wanted him to know exactly how he made me feel. He probably knew what I was doing in here. Hell, he probably didn't care. I mean, why would he? If no one else did, then why would my brother even give a damn.
He just didn't understand. He didn't understand how much I wanted love. He never would understand it, it was just something that I needed to have. i needed someone to replace him. I needed someone to show me that what he did..wasn't out of love. But then I still felt like I deserved it, and that I deserved to have those things happen to me even now.
I brought it on myself a lot. Rarely when I went to parties, I'd get more drunk than anyone else there and wander around upstairs, waiting for someone to be drunk and stupid enough to give me the pain I deserved. It sounds like I want it..but I don't. I just didn't know what else to do.
I guess that's why I wanted to go out with Tom. Maybe I'd turned into some adrenaline junkie or something.
-
I stripped down to my boxers, throwing my clothes over onto the floor as I collapsed down on my bed. Mikey was just finishing off in the shower and I was waiting for him. I knew we'd been fighting but I still didn't want to sleep alone.
I had wristbands and band braceletts over my wrist, so you literally couldn't see any of the damage I'd done to myself earlier. I felt stupid for hurting myself over a little fight with my brother, I guess I only did it because I knew that everything Mikey said was true.
Thinking of Mikey, he walked into the room with a towel wrapped around his waist. He had such a nice body, nicer than mine. He was slim, I was bone. I looked disgusting, he looked good. I couldn't bring my eyes away from him as he walked over to his bed, and when he dumped the towel down onto the floor, I just stared.
He was the same size as me "down there." I guess we really were just identical in about every way. We weren't too small and we weren't too big, 7.5. Mikey seemed pretty happy with it but I didn't care. I didn't care about any of that stuff because it led to sex and sex was just..it was underrated. And people used it for different things..when it should only be used for love.
"You're not sleeping with me..?" I whispered as Mikey pulled on some boxers and sat down on his bed. Flipping out his phone, he beagn texting something and completely ignoring me. "Mikey?"
"No Alex," he sighed. "I am not sleeping with you,"
"But-"
"You said it yourself. You can't be dependant on me forever,"
"But Mikey-"
"No," he said quietly and leaned over to switch off the lights. "Just go to sleep Alex, go to fucking sleep."
-
( Mikey )
I licked all up her neck as she moaned like an absolute whore. She was gripping my hair, trying to pull my lips to hers but I refused. I didn't wanna kiss her with these lips, they were for someone else. Someone I couldn't have.
"Mikey!" She moaned as I thrust into her as hard as possible. I didn't even know her name, I was just using her. I was using her to escape the guilt of everything I had put my brother through in the past week.
Yeah. Me and Alex hadn't spoken in a week. We still did everything together. Ate, smoked, slept in the same room. The only difference was that we didn't talk nor sleep in the same bed. If he woke up crying or screamed in his sleep, I'd of course go and make sure that he was ok. And as soon as he was, I'd go back to sleep.
It wasn't just because he was going on a date with that Senior dick, Tom. I wasn't that petty. Or maybe I was. But either way, it wasn't just because of that. It was because I was having these crazy feelings, these really fucking crazy feelings. I mean, my own twin brother turned me on for fuck sake! I was literally crushing on him! It was disgusting. But at the same time the danger of it made me want him more.
So for both of our sakes, I stayed away.
"Oh my God! Oh fuck!" She cried and gripped onto the bedsheets. It was Saturday night, and I was spending it fucking a whore. I had no idea where Alex was. Probably at home, singing CHelsea Smile like he normally was.
The girl tipped her head back and literally screamed as she orgasmed. Thank fuck for that. I hated her whole appearance and fucking her made me feel sick. She moaned like a dog, and she wasn't tight enough. Which was making me think of Alex. Because in all the people that I knew, he'd probably be the only one tight enough for me.
Shit, stop it.
"Here," the girl smiriked as she crawled up to me. Knealing between my legs, she grabbed my length with her hands which fucking terrified me. Fake nails near the foreskin..it was scary. "Let's finish you off, shall we?"
"No thanks," I sighed and pushed her away. I didn't really want to anymore. Well, I did but I didn't. I already felt like I was cheating on ALex, so actually ejaculating would make me feel like more shit. Even though ALex was going on a date with Tom, I still felt like he was everything to me. Well, he was. He was my everything.
"But-"
"I need to go home,"
"But Mikey-"
"If you're still turned on, you have a perfectly good set of fingers. Use them,"
***
I walked into the house, ignoring Mom and Dad making out on the sofa. In a way, I was kinda happy they were making out because that might just lead to sex. And they literally hadn't had sex since what happened to Alex. I didn't blame them. For a while, I was completely put off the idea. But then I lost the v-card and I realized that as long as it was with someone you cared about, it was pretty fucking awesome.
"Play safe children," I murmured as I walked past them and towards the stairs. I was really hoping that Alex was in. I needed an Alex hug. They were so nice. He just made you feel so..awh, cute. He gave me butterflies. So when I got to our bedroom door, I had to take in a deep breath and couldn't stop myself from smiling a little. I mean, I was going to make us friends again. That was awesome.
"Alex?"
And then the smile was completely blown off my face. Alex was..kissing Tom...on his bed. Kissing..my little brother was..kissing?
"What the fuck?" I demanded which immediatley pulled the 2 apart. Alex wiped his mouth, so that meant that Tom was obviously a fucking face eater. Ew. Alex could do way better.
"Mikey-"
"What the fuck is he doing here?" I hissed, referring to the Tom.
"I asked him to come round," Alex said quietly.
"Why?"
"Because..he's..we're.."
"Because I'm his boyfriend," Tom explained, that smug grin all over his face. He knew he was fucking with me. I would fucking kill him..if I had his muscles. See why was he even with Alex? Alex was terrified of muscles.
"Well that changes everything!" I laughed and glared in Tom's direction. "Get out, you fucking-"
"Stop it Mikey," Alex whimpered.
"See? You're upsetting him,"
"You're upsetting him!"
"No," Tom hissed. He looked like a fucking maniac. Yeah, he had the blonde hair and tanned skin and he was in all honesty goodlooking, but he was just stupid. Stupid? Real mature, Mikey. God..
Tom stepped forwards, ignoring Alex's protest. "You have been causing him complete hell all week! Ignoring him, bitching to him. Did you know he cut himself because of you?"
Wait..what?
I made Alex..cut himself? Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God. This was not happening. This could not be happening. I could never do that to Alex..I loved him too much.
"Alex?" I whispered, staring at his watering eyes. "I really made you do that?"
"No," he shook his head like a little kid and cried out. "No,"
"Stop lying to him!" Tom hissed and grabbed Alex's arm, forcing his sleeve up. I was about to bitch at him for being rough with my brother but the deep cuts on his wrist made me forget all about that. I felt my knees giving in and I fell back to sit on my bed. I was..I was a fucking horrible person. I deserved to fucking die.
I burried my head in my hands and didn't even bother holding back the tears. I just let them come out but I didn't make a sound. I couldn't. I was just..I was so fucking angry. I didn't know what to do.
"Get out," I heard Alex say. "Get the fuck out,"
"But Alex-"
"Get the fuck out!"
"Fine," Tom grumbled and there was the sound of him putting a jacket on or something. Then he muttered something under his breath and stormed out the room, slamming the door behind him.
Even though he was gone, I still didn't make a noise.I just couldn't. I wanted to but I couldn't. I felt like I couldn't do anything. I felt like I'd just ruined everything.
"Mikey?"
Alex was knealing down inbetween my legs, placing his hands on the side of my face. He tried to lift it up and I didn't protest. I let him look into my watering eyes as I looked into his. All I wanted to do was kiss him, kiss him so hard and make everything go away. But I couldn't. I just couldn't.
"I'm so sorry Alex," I whimpered and cupped his chin. "I'm so sorry,"
"I know," he whispered. "It's not your fault though,"
"How can you say that? I made you cut!"
"You didn't make me. It was my choice,"
"And the choice was made from my behaviour,"
"Mikey-"
"No," I shook my head. "I can't..I can't deal with this. I'm way too fucking bad for you. I just hurt you. Tom can protect you now. I just make things worse,"
"I was gonna say no to Tom," he said quietly. "But then you started ignoring me and I needed someone to be there.."
"But that's not good Alex,"
"I know," he whimpered. "I just need someone to be there all the time..like you,"
"I can always be there for you," I promised. "I just..I can't believe you hurt yourself because of me,"
"I'm sorry,"
"No," I grabbed his hand and kissed it. "I'm sorry,"
Then I rolled his sleeve up again. They didn't all look like cuts. They looked like burns as well. Probably from his lighter or his straightners. I just..I just wanted to punch myself in the face. But I didn't..instead I just kissed all over Alex's arms as if my lips against his cuts would make them go away. They wouldn't though. They wouldn't.
"Sleep with me tonight?" I asked softly, stroking my thumb over his lips. Alex just nodded, and I smiled a little as I pulled him up onto the bed. We didn't even bother changing, just lay there; holding each other.
-
( Alex )
Tom was so fucking stupid. He knew I didn't cut because of Mikey. Well, I had at first but not after. He just wanted to fuck with him. It wasn't Mikey's fault I cut, it was Tom's.