»What a shame that the girl who once believed
in fairytales and magic
had to be struck by reality with demons in her mind
and the fear of never being loved.«
K. F.
A loud silence filled the space around us.
His lips let go of mine and Luc pressed his forehead onto me as if to say 'what have I done'. Never have I been more terrified to look at someone's eyes.
»Do it again.«
»What?« I asked as he ripped away from me and masked his expression in the darkness.
»Your first wish. You must try to achieve it again.« He muttered.
»Why?«
»I do not like failures.«
»Is that what I am to you,« My voice slightly cracked. »a failure?«
»Your lack of success is my lack of success. And I do not fail. I win.« Ego of a king showed its presence.
Of course I cannot expect that his heart would beat the same way as mine. I don't think he even has one. He had done nothing to prove it otherwise. But I will not say it...
I will not say those three words, even if it's the death of me. I curse him and I curse my heart for betraying me.
»Fine.« I gave in. I'll play his game. And I will win.
He is nothing but a phantom only I can see.
When he finally looked at me his eyes already lost all of their humanity. And you can't reason with fire.
»Agreed.« He said curtly. »And let him kiss you like I did.«
»I will.« I said with a serious expression.
»I am glad we understand each other.«
»I understand you perfectly.«
He put his arms behind his back to achieve that posture of a dictator, and slightly flinched with his eyebrows.
»I need to ask you to leave.«
»What?« His lips parted in a silent surprise.
»I can't have you hoovering over me all the time. It's annoying.« My mind was filled with rage and all the blood in my veins was boiling with a desire to throw an iron at his stupid face, but I remained calm. I will not show my weakness to a beast. I refuse to be a girl who brakes out in tears over a kiss. I simply refuse.
Luc stepped dangerously close, embracing us in inferno, but his flames didn't scare me anymore.
»Punish me all you want, but as I distinctly remember, - at the end of the day it is you who is my servant, not I yours. You obey me if I respect your rules. And so far I did. And I want you out.« I snapped. »Now, tell me if I lied?«
»You spoke truthfully.« His position never changed, only his face slightly twitched with frustration.
»Leave.« I demanded.
»As you wish.« He bowed with one hand at his chest and the other one behind his back, like an artist taking in gratitude of the audience.
And then he vanished into thin air.
And he was gone for days. And my life went silent.
* * *
How can one simple kiss cause so much grief?
Well, that didn't matter now.
After a few long conversations with my two friends, Lena kindly reminded me that kissing two guys at the same time is a bit slutty, but that observation was soon shot down by Gaja's interpretation of sluts – as girls with friendly vaginas. Label me whatever you want, though labels only belong on cans, I will kiss another.
And I am determined to do so tonight.
I asked Arijan to come with me to Film under the Stars. It's a festival of films during the summer nights on Ljubljana Castle.
A giant projection screen is placed at one of the castle's stone cold walls, and tonight they just happened to play Pulp Fiction.
Great, like I need to be reminded of that asshole.
Arijan picked me up in a car that seemed to have seen quite a lot of mileage. The part of the car, where you filled the tank up with petrol, was all rusty and full of tiny holes. Also the car still had that jugs for opening windows, and the only door that could be opened from the inside was on the drivers side.
Of course, it's a death trap.
We drove in silence, only exchanging a few how are yous' and an awkward glance at each other. Not so much as a small apology for acting like a complete jerk the last time.
But hey, I was use to morons by now.
Men are disappointing.
»A few guys might be joining us, but just for a few minutes. Just so much to say hello.« He suddenly blurted out.
Great, more men.
Arijan had this really annoying habit of readjusting his rear mirror every time we stopped at the traffic light. Part of me just wanted to rip it off and throw it out the window.
He was handsome, very delightful features with lovely curly hair, but...the chemistry just wasn't there. Perhaps that is why I didn't want to kiss him. And now everything on him annoyed me.
The way he chewed.
The way he squinted his eyes at traffic signs.
The way he stayed quiet and uninterested in any kind of a conversation.
Do you have any idea how torturing it is, to drive around in a car that smells like cat piss? And to know that that isn't actually cat piss, but in fact old dirty socks in his gym bag?
* * *
I don't know what I'm doing here.
I hate it that I left Layla at home. Should've taken her with me. At least I'd have someone to talk to.
The sound of crunching popcorn filled the car, together with the smell of it. Man, I hated the way he ate it. He stuffed a full fist of it in his mouth and then, - the thing that agitates me the most about snack eating people – he licked his fingers and grabbed another handful.
»You want one?« He seemed to realize that I was staring at him for a while now.
»No, thanks.« I repressed my gag reflex.
Someone slammed his hands at the car window. »Ari!« A man's voice yelled with enthusiasm.
Arijan threw the cardboard box with his favorite snack in my lap, and carelessly wiped his palms into the shirt. He rolled down the window, regardless of his still greasy hands.
»Gašper!« He high fived one of the guys standing at the car.
A guy with a beard showed us the plastic bag. »We brought beer. You two mind if we crash the party?«
Suddenly all eyes were on me. What was I supposed to say, no? With all of them glaring at me?
I nodded in approval.
»Great!« Arijan took one of the beer cans and opened it up, the fizz dripping from his fingertips. The rest of the guys squeezed into the small and smelly car, bumping around, accidentally kicking the back of my seat.
One of them, a guy with the blue hat, whispered something into Arijan's ear, and all I could distinguish was – she is here...ass to die for...first car on the left...
He turned towards him with bambi-big eyes. »Seriously?«
The other guy nodded.
»Um,« Arijan turned back towards me. »I'm just gonna go check something.«
What, your whore with an ass to die for? Ah, who cares. »Sure.« I didn't move my eyes from the film. Oh, fantastic, someone got shot. That cheered me up.
»Beer?« One of the guys offered after he took off.
»No, thanks.«
»You don't drink?« Asked a guy with the blue hat.
»Alcohol doesn't agree with me.« I wouldn't bulge.
»Oh, c'mon, it's just one beer.« Someone placed a cold beer can into my lap.
»I said,« I turned around and gave it back. »no.«
That was followed by a moment of awkward silence, but soon the fizzing bubbles of fermented drink got into their blood system and poisoned their vocabulary. Twenty minutes had passed and Arijan still wasn't back.
»You do know you're not the only one he's dating, right?« Said a voice from behind.
»What?« I stayed focused on the movie.
»He's got a lot of bitch-, um, I mean, girls. Ladies. People with female genitalia.« One of them laughed.
On one side that got me incredibly mad, on the other – I just didn't give fuck anymore. »So?«
»Oh,« Someone softly touched my ear. »you're that kind of a girl?«
I slapped his hand away. »Don't do that.«
»I'm guessing, since we are living in the age of equality,« They all sarcastically laughed. »it goes both ways.«
One of them touched me again.
»I said, cut it out!« I slapped the hand away again, irritated.
Without a warning one of them switched seats and took the drivers place. »A beer, for you.« He tried to force a beer into my hands once again.
I attempted to open the car door, but then I remembered that only the one on the drivers side work.
I tucked a few strains of hair that escaped, back behind my ears, and decided not to panic. »Could you please move? Only that door work.« I calmly explained to the drunk monkey.
»You know,« He leaned forward. »that hair thing just now, was so sexy.« The scent of his bitter breath reached my nostrils and sent me back.
»Arijan is having fun,« A guy with the stubble said. »why shouldn't we?« He leaned towards me from the back of my seat.
I desperately wished to flee, but I found myself helplessly frozen and petrified. I felt as if the lungs collapsed into itself and my heart was beating so hard against my chest, I thought it was gonna crack my bones.
I wanted to breath in air but I couldn't.
All of their voices became just a background noise.
It was a familiar feeling. The feeling I hadn't had in years. I knew exactly what this was. This was the reason why I stopped taking my ADHD medication. It was the side effect, even though the doctors reassured me that there was no proof of it.
It was a panic attack.
I felt lightheaded. Warmth in my brain. I was frozen in the moment before fainting.
I tried to speak, but words wouldn't reach my mouth.
So I called out the name of the only person that could hear me screaming his name in the absence of sound.
Luc.
Author's note: Hi, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you - press the lovely button with a star on it to vote, comment your thoughts and please, if someone knows the name of the author of that quote on the top (I only have initials) - tell me. Thank you! ;)
P.S. This chapter is dedicated to the person who made this wonderful cover on the left! Fantastic job ;)