Chapter 8
The walls were not soundproof. But I figured that out not in the way I mentioned before to Luke. Nope, I knew from the voices that seeped in through my door into my room. I'm sorry, excuse me, I mean the guest room. Because I didn't have a room. I suppose it doesn't matter - and really hasn't from the moment I got home. I would be gone. And at this point, that would happen within the next couple minutes. I was just waiting for them to go to bed for the night. But from the words that I let erupt at dinner, sleep was postponed and an explanation for Luke was now occurring in their room - which was right next to my former room that shared a wall with them. So I could hear it all - and I rolled my eyes at it privately while I sat and listened on the bed.
"Luke, I told you, you can't trust her or believe her like that," my oh so loving mother told her oblivious husband. Her voice was muffled from where her words were coming from on the other side of the wall. But really, that was for the best. My ears would bleed if I heard her head on. "You know she has that mental disability."
As I was listening, I laid back in the bed, getting comfortable a little more. After five minutes of this so far, I now knew that they wouldn't be going to bed anytime soon and therefore, I wouldn't be leaving any time soon either. I wouldn't risk going now when they were still awake. I wouldn't dare take another risk again considering what happened the last time I did.
"I just..." he paused in his quiet and faded voice, a voice so tired as of now, I could hear the bags under his eyes just growing. "Clare, I understand that she technically is 'unstable' and the doctors say that she is insane but... I don't think she is insane. I get that she misunderstands things - like your motives and purpose with her. I know she is just imagining that you are doing bad things to her. But the thing is... she believes it. She really thinks you do those things to her, even though you don't. And that is why she was trying to get me to believe you were a slut. Because she thinks you beat and hurt her."
"But I don't!" I heard Clare defending quickly. Along with the need for drugs, I had a big need to punch that bitch in the mouth. Maybe that would shut her up.
Listening closely to what they were saying, I heard silence in the room next to me. I was hoping Luke didn't believe that but I knew he did. He would believe Clare over me for the fact that he needs to be faithful to his wife and even I can respect that to some extent.
After a second, I heard Luke speak. "I know, honey. I do, but just because it's true that you don't do that to her, it doesn't mean that she believes she is insane. She thinks this is really happening to her. Her mind is clouded somehow with thoughts that you do beat her. And I can't blame her for talking back and fighting back if that's what she believes and that's what's going through her head. Do you understand honey?"
Through the thin wall, I could hear that one of them took a step closer and from where Clare's voice was coming from, I knew it was her. Just from them being on the other side of the wall, I could tell she stepped closer to Luke and most likely was trying to hug him. I hope he didn't let her but from the following words, I knew he was in comfort for her. Damn.
"I do. I understand," she said over a cracked voice. "It's just so hard sometimes. But you should know that you can't trust her. I love her and I want you to love her too but we can't trust her. No matter how much we want to. I want us to be a family," she said quietly. Bullshit was all I could think.
"I want us to be a family too. But Clare, we need to trust her - to some sort of extent. Just because she is confused about you doesn't mean she is confused about anything else. Because with everything else... she seems very sane. It just seems like you are the only one that makes her unstable. And I don't know why but that's just how it is."
"I know Luke. I'm the only one that she doesn't see clearly. But," I heard her give a loud groan. "I just don't know anymore."
There was silence for a minute or more and I could only imagine why. Makes me want to throw up knowing he and Clare were kissing or hugging now. Not just because he was younger and attractive and Clare was my mother. But also because this meant he was showing her he forgave her somewhat - or the illusion of it in a way. That he would stay with her and try to get over it. But Luke and I knew deep down he wouldn't be able to get over it. It was just obvious he was trying. Poor little guy.
After I was finished mentally puking my guts out, Luke spoke a little more quietly. "We will get through this. One step at a time." I could hear he was just saying it to make her feel better. He didn't mean it. Luke wanted to get through this. He just didn't have the confidence to do it with her as much as he wanted.
I sat there, waiting for another voice to hit my ears and when I heard nothing, I figured they either left the room or were going to bed - or even worse: having sex. I was guessing they were going to bed rather soon since Luke was incredibly tired. All I could really do was hope at that. Hope and wait.
Sitting quietly, I glanced to the clock that was sitting next to the bed. The glowing green numbers that illuminated from the small and long screen showed me that it was now 9:35. It was now officially dark outside. I told myself then that if I heard no voices - heard nothing - by the time 10:05 came, then I would go at that time. I figured a half hour was safe enough. Now, it was just time to wait.
So, I waited. Surprised? Well, I can wait when I need to. It's not like I enjoy being patient - because if you haven't noticed, I am not the type to be patient. Yet I did and every minute that passed, I started noticing more and more about how I was feeling. And I don't mean the soft and emotional shit.
I was shaking a little bit more. It was getting worse and I wasn't entirely sure why. My stomach felt hollow despite the delicious spaghetti I just ate. And when I say hollow, I don't mean hungry. I meant I was uneasy. Lifting a hand gingerly to my forehead, I touched my skin that I discovered was a little damp. Pulling my now sweaty hand back, my breath grew more rapid as heat started to rush through my body. I was now aware the pill Luke gave me was wearing off. I just didn't expect him to be right about the part of it being so painful. Weed wouldn't cause this kind of reaction. Then what was it?
I wasn't sure but to be fair, I really couldn't ponder over it when my only thoughts consisted of the following:
Fuck me! I need drugs right now!
Do I have time to get to Mark when I leave? Will he help me because I need it! Need it, need it, need it now!
Oh lord, just end my suffering now! Oh god, it burns. It's burning me from the inside out!
Now, now, now! Get up and get your ass out the window and find some drugs! Any drugs.
Oh Christ.
Though I was telling myself to run, to get up and leave now, to risk getting caught because I needed something - the pill, the weed, anything - I couldn't. I just couldn't. It was like I was unable to move or at least I couldn't get myself to move. Maybe I had my smarts to thank for that.
It seemed like the longest half hour in my life. I was aching and burning, sweating and hollow. I stuck to leaving just after 10pm. And when that time came with no more voices or noises from their room, I stood up and let my eyes wonder around the area of 'my' room until they stopped on my shoes.
Walking across the room, that was all it took to make me a little dizzy. Not enough to the point where I couldn't walk but I was aware of a spinning sensation taking place within my head. But I shoved my current aches and pains away and grabbed my shoes and put them on. With my hoodie still on and hood always over my head, my hair tied up in a messy bun under it, I knew I had to leave now.
I walked back to the bed, thankful that this house including this room had new floors since last time I ran, I ran after making a squeaky-floor-board getaway. Getting up on the bed, I crawled over to where the bed was pressed against the far wall, which was where the window sat. Facing the window, I lowered my hands to the bottom lip of it after I silently unlatched the lock. I could tell the windows in this place were not replaced. So cautiously, I slid the old window up and open, the night air brushing through into the room.
Taking a deep breath, trying to calm the shaking as best as I could with the refreshing smell of freedom, I slowly and carefully maneuvered my way until I lifted my bent leg and moved out the window. I might have been gone for a while, but I knew this house too well to forget.
This room was just above the back of the living room and part of the hall. Meaning, outside my window was the roof covering the rest of the living room and the rest of the house for the most part. So moving slowly out the window, I wasn't surprised when my foot hit the roof that was no more than a foot from where my window was.
By the time I was fully out of my room and standing on the roof outside of the window, I turned, taking in the beautiful night air. I hated this house from all that has happened here. But I always found the woods surrounding this place to be a little comforting. The nights in my room here were spent with my window wide open, letting the gentle breeze of nature in. That always seemed to calm me, the fresh scent of freedom and night, the glow of the moon that was often visible from my window. Even now as I took soft and smooth breaths in, it helped in a way.
But no time now to be a softy. I had to run. And honestly, I wasn't sure where to. If to the next town or to Mark's, I needed to decide. But I knew the safest thing to do would be just to leave town first, to get the hell out of this place before I worry about my condition - even though I wanted to put that first.
Looking to my side at the other window a few yards next to mine, I knew that I needed to be quiet because of that. Luke and Clare were in there, through the window and in bed sleeping I was sure. Their room being next to 'mine' wasn't the greatest thing as of now. One loud noise I make, and they would hear, I was positive. So, as careful as I could, I slowly inched down the gradual incline until I was at the edge of the roof. Slowly, very slowly, I lowered myself until my ass hit the rough texture of the roof as well and I was safely sitting on the edge.
I was this far. Just a little more than I would get out of this hell. Taking a deep breath, I leaned forward a little, looking down to where the ground was. It seemed farther down than it looked - which I figured was always the case. But luckily for me, I knew another way other than to retardily jump (and yes, though not a word, it was my word folks).
I grabbed the ledge of the roof where the stupid gutter was. I prayed it would hold me but wouldn't be surprised if it didn't. God never seemed to like answering my prayers. So, I put hope into my next action as I slowly slid forward more, my legs now dangling off the side. Oh god, this better work I thought to myself as I eased myself over the edge. My hands grasped the side, needing to hang on, the grip tighter than Clare's tight ass - as in her attitude.
I gradually put my weight into the part of me that was dangling off the roof and moved down until my hands were all that was left on the edge of the roof. Therefore, I was now hanging onto the side of the roof, my feet dangling a good dozen feet from the ground and more. Though it was a gradual maneuver to get here, it would be hard from this point on. I just needed to hang on and not let go like an idiot.
Now that I was just hanging there, I knew what was in front of me and on the side of the house. Among the garden beneath me that threatened to break my fall, there was a vine that liked to snake up the side of the house on a pretty lattice. The leafy vines would crawl up the wooden lattice that was just in front of me against the house now, the diamond shapes between the design would be a perfect grip for me if I could ignore the foliage that dominated most of the structure. I was just happy it was on this side of the house and not the other otherwise I would have to jump.
I was able to angle my neck in a way that let me support the image of the side of the house. There, even in the darkness, I was able to see the thick vines intertwined within the lattice. Well, here goes nothing - or everything, unfortunately.
It wasn't that far but the point was, there was a gap between where I was now - hanging there like a dummy - to the side of the house where the lattice was against. But there was no other choice. I started to swing my legs back and forth, building up a movement until my feet were a little closer to the house when I swung.
Once I let go, my hands were waiting as were my feet. So the moment I hit the side of the house, I grabbed onto the vines tightly against the lattice, my feet catching a spot that the thick vines would support. A shot of release went through me at grabbing the lattice securely, happy I did not fall. It was however very short lived. Because catching myself on the lattice only came after something happened that I have been trying to avoid this whole time.
The second I let go, grabbing my support, I heard a loud noise ring through the air. Soon, I realized what it was. Because I knew what must have happened. The distance from where I was hanging and the house was too much... especially for when I started to rock. The gutter couldn't hold against that. So, with the stomach twisting loud sound of the gutter ripping from where it was when I let go, I knew I was screwed at just that sound. The gutter fell from the roof, unable to support what I had just done, and it fell to the ground with bang that seemed much louder than it would have if it was daylight. The clatter of the gutter against the stones of the landscaping seemed to be shrieking in the quiet night air and I knew, the game just changed.
Fuck me and my clumsy body. I just probably fucked everything up all over again. Well, I still had to try, hoping that Clare and Luke didn't wake from that incredibly loud crash. But it didn't matter because the risk was there; there was a chance they heard and woke. And because of that, my 'slow and stealthy' escape took a 360 degree turn for the worse. I needed to get out of here. Right now.
My head still pounding miles into my head, I grasped the lattice and quickly, I climbed down the structure as fast as my stupid self would allow me. My hands and feet raced down the side of the house and when I turned my head, looking down, I assumed I was close enough at a little more than half way down. So, I jumped down the rest of the way and it didn't hurt. The only thing that made me cringe was the throbbing pain that was still echoing in me as well as the sound my feet made when they hit the stones. It wasn't a screaming sound but to me, in an atmosphere so quiet, everything seemed to be so damn loud.
Well, couldn't do anything about that now. All I could do was run now. Joy.
With the noises I just caused, I wasn't going to go slow, knowing the risk. Nope, I started to run the second my feet hit the stones, running around from the side of the house to the back, knowing that if Luke were to come after me or chase me, it would be harder for him to see me in the dark woods. Hell, it was just hard for me to see upon entering the woods that was surrounded in crickets and now, the sound of my pounding footsteps through the woods. But it was hard to see where I was going and knew that at any minute, I could hit a tree.
But that didn't happen. I didn't hit a tree. A tree hit me.
Or at least, it felt like a tree with how much force was packed into it. It came out of nowhere and it made me slightly yelp in surprise as well as slight fear. Only slightly because not a minute later did I know that it wasn't a monster that lurked deep within the woods. Not with the risk of Luke coming. Well, that and the fact that he grunted as well when he tackled me to the cold ground.
"Ah!" I yelled in frustration. "Would you just let me go!"
"No," He growled into my ear from where he was pressing me down, pinning me down with my stomach on the cold ground and his on my back. "You are done fucking around."
I felt him grab my arm and his weight was off me. The next second, I felt his hand tighten on my arm and he pulled me roughly up to my feet. It was pitch dark out. Yet, I was still able to see his outline a little as well as a bit of his expression when I felt him then roughly turn me around.
His voice alone said it all. He was beyond pissed off. I'm sure the fact that he was so very tired added to it. And really, I felt bad. So I started without the usual attitude and sarcasm. I tried to possibly reason with him - which I was fairly certain wouldn't help but I had to try.
Sighing, I spoke before he could get a word in first. "Just let me leave. Please. I'm the one getting between your marriage. You don't need me here messing it up. Let me go and we will both--"
"Do I look like an idiot?" He asked, cutting me off in a tired and angry voice. His hands grasped my arms still and wouldn't let go - which was most likely the smartest thing since I probably would have tried to run from him again. I was close to him as his hands held me firmly an inch from his body. He was hot; I'll admit it. But that didn't mean I didn't want to punch him in the face.
"I don't know," I answered and I guess that wasn't too sarcastic considering it was mostly true with my next words. "I can't really see you."
I felt his grip tighten and he turned me with him and started walking, pulling me along with now just one clenched hand on me. But it was tighter and I knew he was going to make sure not to let me get away again. Pulling me along and back the way we came - back to the house of hell - I tried to break from his impossible grasp. But like I already knew, he wasn't going to let me leave. Even though I still tried ripping my arm from him and getting away.
"Stop," he growled and stopped moving forward, pulling me to a stop with him and he made me face forward. His teeth were bare, I saw. And I was able to see since we were closer to the edge of the woods where the moonlight was casting. "I know what you believe. And I am sorry! I'm not doing this because it is my job. I'm doing this because I want to be there for you. You are making that very hard with all the attitude and reluctance in you. I want to help you."
"If you want to help, just let me go. I'm 17. I lived on the streets long enough to take care of myself. I don't want to be here and you know it's unhealthy for me to be around Clare - no matter if you think its just in my head. I don't want a father, a friend, or anything from you. Please," I said, swallowing. I was already prepared to roll my eyes at his next statement, knowing what it would be.
A little more calmly, he stated, "Okay. That's fine. And you are right: it's unhealthy for you to be around Clare because of what you think she does to you. But until you are 18, you will have to deal with this. There is no way I am letting you runaway again. Do you know how much shit I am going through right now just to keep your ass out of jail?" he asked, catching me by surprise. "We found weed on you. That's at least five years in. Breaking and entering just adds more years as well as stealing. You are lucky you are not locked away some place. You were going to have to pay it off with community service or other work. But I called the station earlier after I found out you were my stepdaughter and pulled some strings. I got you off, free of everything and it took a lot for me to do that. If you appreciate any of that, any of what I have already done, you will cooperate."
Well... that certainly caught me off guard. I am rarely left speechless but now... I was. I could have said something like, 'wow, you must sure like me.' Or something like, 'hm, I wonder why you want me out of jail just so I can live in your house.' But I didn't and couldn't say anything like that. What he said didn't deserve one of my stupid remarks. I was thankful and do appreciate all he has done for me. He could have saved me time in jail. Hell, he did and he even got me off any alternative route of punishment. Though running away would mean none of that anyway, he still did it because he was trying to help.
Looking at him, trying to show him this had no effect on me, I said, "I will just runaway some other time if you take me back now."
"That doesn't fool me. You do understand the trouble I went through for you and appreciate it. You just won't admit it. I know you hold nothing personal against me. I'm sorry," he said in a final note. "We are going home. I want to trust you but you need to earn it."
I didn't say anything. I let my false face say it all. He was right when he said it wasn't personal. But it was - and now, it was even more personal. I scowled, really upset about this. Going home... for good? I didn't think so. But I would be stuck there for a while, knowing he would be watching me this time and making sure I didn't run. I wasn't sure what he would go through to make that happen but I was sure he was determined about that. Meaning, I would be there... living there again with Clare. And I knew a real beating was heading my way because of it. Hopefully, if Luke will keep an eye on me like it appeared he would, she might back off. Either way, I was going to find out whether I wanted to or not.
I held my tongue when I felt sarcasm want to lash out. Instead, I nicely - yes, nicely - said to Luke, "If you are taking me back there..." I sighed and paused upon an idea that popped up in my head. One in which may keep me safe from Clare. But it meant no tricks with Luke (well, no tricks that would backfire in my face). I said it the second the thought entered my head. "I won't give you any trouble. I won't run. But you need to promise me something," I said, hesitant about even offering.
Looking up at the tired man, I saw his eyes slightly widen in surprise, which led to a transforming look into suspicion. I couldn't blame him either. It sounded like we were negotiating or making a deal, and in a nice orderly fashion. He probably didn't expect that with me. Eyebrows raised, looking down to me, he voiced his curiosity. "What is it?"
"You said yourself it is unhealthy to be around Clare. Whether or not I'm 'insane' and making it up, it's still unhealthy you said because I believe it. So, here is the proposal," I said, finding his pretty and kind eyes in the darkness. "If you keep Clare and I from seeing each other privately, if you keep us away from each other like that, I won't cause you any trouble. Just don't let her near me without you there." I said, the sickening feeling in me still present and growing. I felt myself sweating harder, more so than earlier.
No matter my issue with the drugs, I didn't want to lie and wasn't. But if given the opportunity at some point to escape, I would take it. Of course, for now anyway, he had my word. And I admit, it was scary giving it to him.
I knew he thought it was foolish to keep me 'safe' from Clare when he believed it wasn't happening, when he thought I was making it up in the first place. Point was, he thought and knew to an extent that it was real for me so I hoped he would accept my offer. Not only because I wanted it but because I don't just offer someone a chance of cooperation with me any day.
"Okay," he said, his voice a little high; it was clear he wasn't sure if he could trust me. But I think he saw I would try through my eyes. "Deal. That's fine. I can't do it all the time; I have a job but so does she. I will do it when I'm home and whenever I can." After he spoke, along with a hint in my eyes, he slowly let my arms go, trusting I would keep this deal. Even when he had no right to trust me - which he brought up a second later. "That's fine. I trust you will keep that deal considering your confusion and panic towards your mother. Yet, I really shouldn't trust you after lying to me about Clare's history with men earlier."
"Dude, I was messing around. It's a little something called humor--"
"That wasn't humor. That was cruel to your mother."
"Like you said. You understand that in my mind, that is true. I was trying to help you, hoping you would just divorce the bitch if I gave you a little push. Nope. Too loyal and blind. But I can't blame you," I said. "This is different from earlier and you know it. So we have a deal?" I said to clarify.
"Yes, deal," he said annoyed and upset. The point though was that he agreed. A second after, I watched his eyes looking me over and I couldn't help my smirk even though I knew what the reason was behind his eyes on me.
"Maybe I was wrong about loyal. You look ready to have some fun with your wife's daughter," I said, pointing out the fact that he was looking over me. I smirked, knowing that wasn't the case at all.
His worried expression that came with those calculating eyes vanished from his face and what was left was a blank expression in result of my words. Ignoring my weird humor, he went on. "We should go back now. You need to take those pills to help you. And since I will be watching you and keeping you and Clare away from being together privately, that means you can't and won't be able to pull any tricks concerning your friends fetching you some drugs," he said in a somewhat smug voice. "Of course, you can call them up and tell them to bring you drugs. After all, it would be just easier to arrest them if they just come right to me."
I scowled. I figured I could somehow get drugs without him knowing. But we made that stupid deal and that meant he was right: if I called my friends and they came to give me the drugs, Luke could find them easily and most likely would be able to arrest them. Yeah, it was going to be so hard dealing with this withdrawal or whatever but if he was around and kept me from Clare for the most part, I could get through this. Or until then, come up with some plan to get to what I need to calm my shaking body.
But as of now, the deal was on and that was something that became very evident after we both walked back and into the house.