Valhalla/Blue Base
To Simmons and Wade with Zeta hovering over his shoulder, standing inside of Blue Base with Caboose equipment laying everywhere.
Simmons: What the hell is all this stuff?
Wade: It's Caboose's project.
Donut: (Enters) Oh, there you two are! Hey Simmons, did you blow up the base yet?
Wade: He's not going to get a chance to do that.
Simmons: Whatever. What's Caboose even working on?
Zeta: He's trying to rebuild a body for his "Best Friend" of his.
Donut: ...eh, looks like a piece is missing though.
Simmons: For the dead guy. Gimme a break. No wonder no one ever wins this war. We're all doing stuff like building lame robots.
Wade: Umm, Simmons?
Simmons: (Annoyed) What!
Wade simply points behind himself to where Lopez is standing.
Simmons: Oh, hey... Lopez. Uh, I didn't mean you, I meant other... robots...
Lopez takes off.
Zeta: That was kind of racist, Simmons... I feel offended myself.
Simmons: (Chases after Lopez) I'm not racist! That's not true! I have all kinds of mechanical friends!
Wade: Don't worry Zeta, your not some lame robot to me.
Zeta: (Smiles) Thanks Wade!
SandTrap
To the reds and Caboose, all out of their vehicles and standing in the mine field.
Intercom: Just... just give me the microphone. (Over the intercom) Do not, under any circumstances, move. You have entered an active mine field.
Caboose: Does thinking count as moving. Because if it does, I think I might've moved—up! I did again.
Leo: Caboose, could you be more quiet please!
Caboose: Well, I don't want to get exploded!
Sarge: How do we get outta here?
Intercom: We will guide you out.
Sarge: Great! Let us wait for you to come out here then!
Intercom: What? ...no, fuck that, listen! We're not coming out there, okay? Hang tight. We're gonna upload the schematics... we'll be right back. Don't. Move.
Sarge: Grif! What were you thinking driving us straight into a mine field!?
Grif: Me? You were in the passenger seat. That makes you the navigator!
Sarge: What are you talking about?
Grif: Everybody knows that. You're in charge of directions!
Sarge: No! The shotgun seat is reserved for the position of respect. And for people who carry shotguns. (Holds up shotgun) See? (Makes a clicking noise) Quid pro quo. Now Grif, here's the plan. You walk in front of us, very slowly.
Grif: No.
Sarge: If you hear anything that sounds like a small metallic click, or feels like your legs are being blown off, just say, "Found one!"
Grif: No!
Caboose: Uh oh! I think I just thought about something again.
Sarge: Both of you, shut up! I need to think of a way out of this mess.
Leo: Let's just wait for the guy to come back and get us out of this mess.
Grif: You mean the mess, Sarge navigated us into?
Sarge: How about I come over there and navigate my fist through your forehead!?
Grif: (Glances around) Pft. Okay, bring it. Just stroll on over here across the mine field and beat me to death.
Sarge: Maybe I will.
Grif: Bring it!
Leo: Can you both stop fighting!?
Intercom: Look, we can hear you talking. Listen to your friend there! Do not move! Kay? Seriously!
Sarge: Grr.
Caboose: It's not my fault. I'm not moving. I'm not even thinking about moving.
Grif: Sarge, since we may not make it out of this, maybe there's a few things I should tell you. You know. Since you can't reach me.
Leo: Grif, don't make this worse...
Grif: (Ignores Leo) Like the reason why I never listen to you. Or never follow your orders. And why I don't think anything you say is ever important.
Sarge angrily grumbles.
Grif: But I want you to understand, Sarge. It's not because I'm lazy. It's because I don't like you. Or respect you. In any way. I have no positive feeling for you.
Sarge reloads his shotgun.
Leo: Grif, you should shut up now!
Grif: Just give me a few more seconds, Leo. Now, where was I? (To Sarge) Oh yeah, I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect—
Sarge shoots the shotgun at, Grif but, comes out unharmed.
Grif: --who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has an effective range much shorter than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
Intercom: All right. I'm back. Ready? We're gonna guide you out of there.
Grif: (Laughs nervously) You know I was kidding, right?
Leo: (Sighs) I tried to warn you.
Grif: You'll protect me right, Leo?
Leo: Nah, I think I let Sarge have at you.
Grif: ....Fuck.
Valhalla
Lopez is walking away from the Blue Base. Simmons catches up to him.
Simmons: Hey Lopez! Wait up! Hey man, I need some explosives.
Lopez doesn't reply.
Simmons: To blow up Blue Base? I don't care about, Wade trying to stop me! So... did Sarge give you the key to the weapon locker?
Lopez: >Yes.<
Simmons: Okay. I need about 50 kilos of plastic explosives. Technically five should do it, but I really want to blow the fuck out of that thing. Can you go get it for me?
Lopez: >I will look into that.< (Doesn't move)
Simmons: Uh... I need it right now?
Lopez: >Yes. I'll get right on it. Look at me go.< (Still doesn't move)
Simmons: Hmm. You don't seem to be moving.
Lopez: >Yes.<
Simmons: This is about that robot comment, isn't it.
Lopez: >Maybe.<
SandTrap
To the reds and Caboose, still stuck in the mine field.
Intercom: Okay, gentlemen. Here's how we're going to do this. We'll guide the two guys in front out, and you guys in the jeep and bike, just follow them.
Grif: Okay!
Caboose: Uh, I'm scared.
Leo: (Reassuringly) It'll be fine, Caboose.
Intercom: All right. Start by taking two steps forward and then turn to your right.
Sarge: A step ain't exactly a standard measurement, buddy.
Intercom: Just a step.
Sarge: Yeah, I get it! But what's a step? Like this? (Takes two steps forward, then two back) Or this? (Sprints forward, right into a mine that explodes; Sarge jumps back, unharmed) Whoa!
Leo: Sarge! Be careful!
Intercom: Just a step!!
Sarge: (Quickly) Okay, no problem, just a step!
Intercom: All right. Now, walk four steps to your right.
Sarge: You mean our right?
Intercom: Yes.
Caboose: Our-our right? Or your-our right?
Intercom: There is no "my-your right!"
Sarge: Is left north to you? Or is it... or, on the compass, which way?
Caboose: Uhh, what about—
Intercom: Just walk to your right!!
Sarge and Caboose walk to the left, only to rush back seconds later.
Intercom: No!!
Suddenly, a mine goes off.
Sarge/Caboose: Sorry!
Leo: (Groans) This is getting us nowhere!
Grif: Leo, there's only one way where getting out of this.
Leo: (Sighs) Yep.
Grif: I just can't take this anymore, dude! Fuck it.
Leo: Right behind, yeah!
Leo and Grif drive off. With Sarge and Caboose running behind them.
Intercom: Yeah, uh, fuck it, just run!
Hordes of explosions come out of nowhere.
Leo: I immediately regret this!!
Sarge: Son of a—
More explosions occur.
The End
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