41.
The small restaurant's air conditioning is like ice to my suddenly flaming hot skin. Am I mad? Slightly. I have a mixed range of emotions as Jungkook is practically pulling me along with him.
I feel like a fool. I can't quite understand right now why he felt this was a good idea, or a better idea than other ones— you know, to conveniently forget to tell me that They planned for us to be out and about today. How does one just leave that out?
The expanse of his hand is not as usually comforting around mine at this moment. I almost feel trapped, both fundamentally by a piece of paper and physically by his empowering hand. My heart is racing, and my knees feel weak.
I feel— betrayed?
I continue to let him lead me towards a table because there are too many eyes on us. The people sitting and enjoying their food are unusually quiet and it is making me feel even more uneasy.
The hostess' smile isn't even enough to earn an awkward smile from me in return. My mind is too focused on his hand, the temperature in the room and the employee who has taken a seat at the table nearby.
Time is moving in slow motion when we arrive at the small table towards the back of the restaurant. Conveniently so, the window is in clear view from our setting. I almost don't notice when Jungkook takes the bait and sits with his body facing towards the public outside. Relief washes over me that at least my facial expressions can be hidden.
"I'm not hungry," I say.
My eyes are dancing over the choices on the menu but my stomach is in knots. I don't dare to look up at Jungkook. I know that if I do, I will either cry or start getting angry at him.
I'm conflicted. Usually in a circumstance like this I would give him the benefit of the doubt— Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he had no choice. But— no. He did know and he could've just told me. It's not like I didn't want to go out with him.
"Noon—"
"Don't," I interrupt him.
My chest feels heavy. I can't leave. Legally, theoretically, hypothetically and in actuality— I have to stay here and eat with him no matter how I'm feeling about the situation. I guess this is what my father was implying when he mentioned they would he controlling my life.
And not to mention this is only the first time it's happening and yet it is already a mess.
Will I cry? No. I thought I decided I wasn't a prissy princess anymore, right?
I gather up the last of my strength and look at him. His eyes round and his expression softens but I can tell he is nervous. His teeth are nibbling on the inside of his lip and he is pinching the back of his palm harshly. His eyes are watching me intently.
"This isn't okay," I say calmly.
"I-I didn't know."
"Why are you lying?" I grit.
We are whispering. I feel claustrophobic even though the next table of people is not for another few feet. It's as though all my thoughts and feelings are constricting my throat.
I want to say Taehyung told me, but I keep quiet. I may be terrible at decision making on the spot, but from experience I know that mentioning his best friend will fuel a fire that I don't quite know where it will burn.
I drink some water as if that will help, but it only unsettles my already nervous stomach.
My left leg is tapping incessantly but it won't stop. It is taking every ounce of willpower not to get up from the table and leave. It's partially pathetic that one of the main reasons I'm staying is not just because of a contract that I signed, but because it is too hot outside for me to walk home.
When I glance over my shoulder at the window, there is a massive crowd of people standing with their cellphones and cameras as if we are animals at a zoo.
I turn around hurriedly in a panic, but Jungkook doesn't seem fazed. His little nervous habits are kicking in. His mouth is open in concentration and I can tell he doesn't know what to say to me.
I feel like I'm seated at the Billboard Music Awards again— the people, the scrutiny, the judgement: all from sources and media in which I will never physically see.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, "And don't say you didn't know. Don't lie about this. Please."
"I'm sorry," Jungkook leans closer into the table, "I didn't mean to lie. I'm nervous."
Ugh. Why does he have to always do that? Whenever he confesses that he is nervous or whatever he is feeling it digs a hole right into my heart. It makes me want to forgive him.
"Jae-ya," he swallows hard, "I didn't want you to think they were the only reason we were doing this."
I almost want to laugh. His company has now become "they" and it's fascinating to me that even Jungkook is referring to them as so. I stop myself from laughing pathetically.
"That's exactly what I'm thinking now!" I say with widened eyes, "Did you even want to stay with me last night? Or was that part of it too?"
His eyes widen in a mirroring effect. His reaction to my proposal seems sincere, but I can't ignore the fact that everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours seems to be perfectly and methodically planned as if one big scheme.
I suddenly feel disgusting.
"Noona," his jaw basically drops, "You're not really saying that? Are you?"
"Well?" I stare at him.
I'm waiting—waiting for a confirmation that he whole-heartedly wanted to be with me last night and not practicing with his members.
After my conversation with Taehyung, it seems to me that it was planned for him to miss practice and for him to not be around last night.
I'm fighting the vile in my throat as more thoughts come to my mind. I suddenly feel like our relationship is calculated— calculated by the company for success. Yes, I already knew that was their business plan... but does this mean everything that we ever did together was methodically planned too?
I stop my thoughts. I want to convince myself that I'm overthinking everything. But am I? Am I allowed to be thinking this way? Is this what I signed? I waived my rights to know the truth?
A waitress arrives with a bright smile. I can tell the staff here is absolutely loving the fact that Jungkook is here. If I didn't feel so shitty about myself at this moment I would almost want go crack a smile also. It's cute the way they adore him so much.
"Um," Jungkook glances at me and then the waitress, "Pork belly."
He smiles brightly, but his acting isn't good enough. His eyes look sad.
We hand in our menus and the waitress smiles at us. Jungkook swallows hard and returns her smile, cutely putting his hands together as a sign of thanks when she walks away.
I roll my eyes to myself and let out a deep sigh. What am I doing? Do I seriously think that Jungkook has no soul and would do this to me just because he wanted me to suffer? What would he gain from me not knowing?
My head hurts at all my thoughts.
"Noona," he says softly, "Tell me what you are thinking. You-you are being too quiet."
"Just tell me what happened," I reply.
My anxiety is reaching an all time high. I could practically write myself a whole novel of conspiracy theories with the amount of thoughts going on in my head. I know that the longer I think about it without talking to him, the worse these theories are going to get.
"They didn't tell me to visit you last night," he finally says.
I want to sigh in relief, but he continues,
"But," he grumbles. My shoulders drop, "I told them that if they let me leave and spend the night with you that we would go out and do this."
"Oh my God," I gape involuntarily.
I am almost speechless.
"You had to bargain for time with me?"
"Yes," he admits.
His voice is small and he is dodging my eyes now.
It's as if he didn't want to tell me. Actually, yes. He didn't want to tell me.
A surge of anger rushes through me. I'm reminded finally that both he and I signed that document.
He had to do something in order for personal time with me. What the hell is going on? It's only been about two weeks but yet just the first occurrence of the contract is making it so difficult for us.
"You lied about it," I stress.
I smile widely in contrast to my hurt tone because I can feel the eyes on us. It is making me want to pee because I'm not enjoying this attention while we are having such a conversation— I'm so nervous.
Jungkook pretends to be smiling happily too, and I can see the reflections of some accidental flash photography going on from on the street. I'm sure these photos will be great to look at when they're plastered all over Twitter.
"I didn't know what to do. Noona..."
"That's not an excuse," I come to my senses, "Didn't we fight about this already? It's supposed to be us and then them. But when you lie and keep things from me it's as though I'm alone. I'm always feeling alone."
"Jae-ya—"
"No." I stop him, "I shouldn't feel like I'm by myself against both them and you. We're supposed to be in a relationship."
"We are." He says confidently.
"It doesn't feel like it when you pretend you don't know what's happening."
My voice is as low as it possibly can be. It isn't as quiet when we arrived, and thankfully the busy noise of the restaurant being in full swing is drowning out our conversation.
Jungkook looks upset, but for some reason I'm relieved to see him angry. I want him to be angry. I want him to feel the same way I feel about the injustice that is already happening in just the first week of this mess.
"I messed up," I'm surprised by his admission, "but don't call me a liar."
"But you lied."
"Technically I didn't," he is talking but I'm in shock that he is defending himself like this.
"Jungkook."
"I want to talk about this somewhere else. Later. Please."
"Whatever." I groan.
Yeah— I feel petty. Will I get over it? Probably. It hurts that this whole ordeal is reminding me of when we were having an "argument" via text about whether or not I would fly to Korea just to save our relationship.
I know this is new for Jungkook— it's new for me too. But I don't know why I just expect more. I don't know why his first instinct is to lie about what's going on as if that will make the situation any better.
How can I trust him? Right now his track record is 0 for 2– two times he's had the opportunity not to lie about what he knows about his company's plans and zero times that he has chosen not to lie.
When the food arrives I don't have the stomach for it. I eat a few pieces to appease to the public, and because I know I will be hungry later, but my mind is elsewhere.
My heart hurts. I care about him so much but my efforts seem to go wasted when he is so willing to place a barrier between me and his company.
Why is Jungkook always placing himself in between us?
Jungkook and I are waiting in silence for the waitress to return when I receive a text from my brother. Normally I would've probably never taken my phone out on a date, but the pettiness continues.
David: you. are. all. over. social. media.
You: really? Already?
what does it say
David: I don't even follow any Kpop shit but you're like everywhere
and Jungkook
You: the back of my head? Lol
David: ya
And you walking w him and stuff
How's the korean BBQ???
"Jae-ya," Jungkook's sweet voice brings me away from my phone.
I take my social cue to stand along with him. I look around the table and make sure I'm not forgetting anything before I decide to down the last of my water.
I feel unconfident as we walk to the exit. The people eating their lunch are staring at us in awe, their phones out and loud commotion going on as the employee directs us out to the sidewalk.
Jungkook gives me no choice when he grabs my hand firmly, but I wouldn't fight him on it. I also can't.
There are so many people and such a small space for Jungkook and I to walk. I can feel the presence of everyone around me as we continue to walk down the sidewalk, but I can't do anything about it. I'm powerless as these people shove their phones in our faces and follow us like a herd.
The only peace in my mind is the back of Jungkook's body. Even when I am so upset with him and want to rip off that head of his, it is the only form of happiness I can find in such a situation. My eyes are trained on his figure, his arm expanding to hold onto me as we walk through a seemingly never ending line of people.
I squeeze his hand to comfort him and he looks back at me worriedly.
We share a smile only for a moment and my heart melts. It's not only my heart that melts, because a bunch of female "awe's" and "ooh's" are heard immediately after it.
It's almost amusing. I can't wipe the shock from my face over the fact that so many people are curious about our relationship. Strangers— they're all strangers. People that I will probably never meet know more about me than I will ever know about them. It's a strange feeling.
When Jungkook and I first met, he asked me how it would feel if people recognized me on the street. At that time I had never known the feeling, so I couldn't really answer him. But now— now.
Walking around with him, being noticed and seeing the love and support he is receiving from the people around him is so rejuvenating. He must be so proud.
I know this attention isn't because of me— obviously— but I'm here and I'm living for it. I can't lie and say I didn't make eye-contact with some people in the crowd and see their shocked and shy faces.
"Please, everyone. Stop following." The employee yells over the commotion.
He has both hands out in a stopping motion for the crowd to start to dissipate. The three of us are nearing the shopping center.
"Jungkook," I say and tap on his shoulder.
His head whips to me. He is acting extra cautious for a reason I don't know. We are standing at a street corner waiting for the walking signal to change.
"Do we have to go shopping?" I whisper. I'm on my tip-toes to reach his ear.
His hands grasp both my arms to keep me at his ear and I have to repeat my question. The crowd of people seem to keep getting louder, and it doesn't help that my mouth is now two centimeters from his face and that his hands are on me. They're definitely expecting more than what they're going to get...
It helps that I know Jungkook would never do PDA in a setting like this. It makes it easier for me to defy his cuteness and my attraction towards him.
When I inspect his face, the sorrow in it tells me the answer. We have no choice. The last thing I want to do is go shopping.
Truthfully, I just want to go home. I'm tired of pretending to be all smiles and happy as we walk together.
I'm allowed to not be happy. I'm allowed to be upset at what's happening. Yet, here I am pretending to have a preface that isn't mine because of a piece of freaking paper.
Sure, I'm happy that so many people love and adore Jungkook and want his attention, but it's hard to forget everything I'm standing for after the words I said in the restaurant.
It gives me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach.
✱ ✱ ✱ ✱
Luckily by the time we arrive to the shops there is no crowd. That is— because the outlet security has gotten involved to let us go from store to store without any interference.
I am so embarrassed every time we enter a new store. I don't even want to look at any of the clothing. I'm so impatient to leave. Not to mention the awkwardness of being absolutely silent with Jungkook.
I don't hold his hand when we're inside stores. I have to stand some type of ground. I keep my distance when I can and pretend to be interested in the items I'm looking at. Every once and a while I catch Jungkook looking at me.
We're basically walking around as a formality and I'm hating every second of it.
The stores that Jungkook wants to enter are so typical of him. The clothing— mostly being athletic— is exactly the style he wears. I can admit it is adorable.
If we enter one more store that sells Adidas or Nike...
"I want to buy something for you," Jungkook joins me.
I'm looking at a pastel pink sweater. It's cute... but I don't think I can let him buy it for me. This is our third store and I think the silence is driving him insane. He's getting very touchy as if I won't notice his fingers dangling against my side.
Now we're both pretending to look at an article of clothing.
"It's okay," I shrug, "I brought my wallet."
"Jae-ya," he frowns, "Maybe it can be part of my apology."
I roll my eyes.
"So you're paying me off?" I scoff.
He's caught off-guard by my question.
"Why do you keep thinking like this?"
His hand grabs mine tenderly. I want to relax into his soft touch but I can't.
"Because I don't know you," I almost seethe.
"What?"
"I don't know what's going on behind closed doors." I explain.
We are standing so close to each other that I can faintly feel the small breaths from his nose. He is towering over me, but for some reason my words are doubling over his height.
I swallow hard and we are standing with our eyes trained on each other. I'm thankful that the pink sweater I decided to look at was behind a large shelf, shielding us from any onlookers.
His jaw is tense. I'm staring and waiting for him to say something. Anything. Come on! What the hell is his problem?
"I'm buying this," I break our eye contact.
I take my size and carry it to the register without waiting for him. I try to keep my expression neutral as I pass the small amount of people that are currently shopping with us, but it's very difficult. Now I feel like being upset.
This isn't supposed to be how it goes.
"Hello!" I'm met enthusiastically by the cashier.
"Hello," I say softly with a smile.
I can see the extra care that is going into me by just how careful my item is being folded and placed in a bag. You could say it is definitely because of Jungkook, or even just the general commotion surrounding every move we make.
I pay for my item and return to him.
"Now you can tell them that I participated in the shopping," I say— very passive aggressively.
He grabs my hand. I'm shocked. We are standing in the middle of the store. I force a wide smile as if we're playing around with each other but his eyes are hard and he's serious.
"Stop this," he grits. His jaw is locked and his voice is low.
Am I being dominated right now?
"I wanted to be here with you. You're making me upset because you're the one treating this like a set up. Not me."
"N-Not here," I can barely find words.
"Noona," he closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them he has taken a deep breath and his face softens.
"I want to go home," I don't just say— I tell him.
I almost want to cross my arms over my chest like a little girl but I restrain myself. There aren't that many people in the store with us, but I'm not going to take any chances.
"Seokju-ssi," Jungkook calls and uses his hand.
The employee that was once unnamed joins us. He wasn't too far— given that the man has been following our every move for the last few hours. They were smart to dress him in such casual clothing as if he was just with us.
"We're going to leave," Jungkook says.
He takes the shopping bag from my hand and holds it, replacing my vacant hand with his as he intertwines our fingers.
"Thank you," I praise him lightly but he merely just nods his head at me.
I guess I pissed him off with my pettiness, because now he doesn't want to talk to me or look at me. Was this my goal? I think I made everything worse.
✱ ✱ ✱ ✱
When we get back into the car it is unreal to me. Just a few hours ago we were giggling to each other about how h.orny he was, yet now it's as if not even a million dollars could make one of us crack a smile.
I wish I could snap my fingers and fix this, but I can't. It isn't that easy. Jungkook has to stop keeping things from me.
Why is it that his own friends are willing to tell me more than he does? This isn't the first time Taehyung was open about something Jungkook failed to tell me. What gives?
I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him when he parks in the small secluded parking lot near my Auntie's hanok.
"I don't like fighting," he sighs.
He is staring at the ceiling of the car with his shoulders relaxed back into the seat.
"We wouldn't be fighting if—"
"I know! I messed up." He cuts me off.
"But it's not the first time..."
There's more silence. I glance at him and his eyes are closed. I'm staring at his chest and the way is rises and falls so steadily. I almost don't notice when he shifts his body to look at me. I blink and bite my lip anxiously.
"So what now?" I break the silence.
If Jungkook won't talk about what's going on, then I have no choice but to move on with the itinerary of other things that are "messing up" our relationship. That being— his schedule.
"What?"
"Your schedule. When do I see you again?"
"When FESTA is done, we will begin preparing for our next comeback."
I already knew this information, but it seems to hurt even more now than it did when I first heard it.
Another comeback? I'm never going to see him...
"And you'll be traveling, right? For Bon Voyage and stuff?"
Thank God I was a fan before meeting him. I'm not totally clueless.
"And the summer package," he nods.
"And filming the VCR's for your tour," I add.
The list is endless.
I don't hide my displeasure with what I'm hearing. All the difficulties I already knew about are becoming a reality. Am I strong enough for this?
"I don't want to keep you from rehearsal," I sniffle back tears. I'm not going to cry.
At least not until he's gone...
He grabs my hand before I can pull on the car door handle. I stop my actions and look at him.
I'm waiting again. Waiting for anything. I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore. It's not like I expect my shy boyfriend to suddenly go on a long tangent about what he's thinking about. It's unfair for me to expect that from him.
"Noona, please. We can work hard."
"I know that," I nod, "I don't care about your busy schedule. I don't care because you are doing something so amazing."
"Noon—"
"Stop always trying to cut me off," I can't help but smile, "It just hurts, you know? You feel like you have to lie for some reason that I don't know."
I tighten my grip on my shopping bag and open the car door. I don't want him to say anything as a response to what I've said.
Maybe he will understand where I'm coming from? Hell— I don't know. I'm not a relationship counselor.
Am I expecting too much? What am I expecting? How can I expect anything from a man who has never been in a relationship like this, but yet has the most insane life imaginable?
Maybe I'm just not the girl for this. I don't know anymore. I thought I could be selfless and understand him, and his issues, and whatever else he wanted to hide.
I thought.
But am I? Was I putting on a show for myself?
"I will text you," I assure him.
I'm holding the car door in my hand. I want to close it and be alone.
"Please. Please text me." He almost begs.
"I will," I nod, "Will you not sleep because of this?"
"Noona..." he sighs.
And there it is. The look on his face. The way he is looking at me tells me that maybe I am the girl for this. I'm so conflicted that even my own inner thoughts can't make up her god-damned mind.
"We'll work hard," I give a small smile.
His frown turns into a smile. I'm relieved. I've had enough watching him be sad. It's too hard to see.
"Bye," I give a small wave and close the door.
I can't see inside the tinted window, so I have to wait for him to roll down the window in order for me to see his wave back to me. I feel like we're thirteen years old the way we're saying goodbyes. A kiss would mean I've forgotten that he lied to me.
✱ ✱ ✱ ✱
"Hello?" I call into the quiet hanok.
I'm surprised that I can't hear Auntie Miyoung's radio playing. Usually it is blaring throughout the small home, especially given that it is late afternoon and the start of the evening news.
"Auntie?" I continue.
The place is empty.
The moment I step foot into my room I start to peel off my clothing. Yes, it was adorable that we matched all day, but I couldn't even just enjoy that part of it.
I fall into my small mat and release a deep breath. Things could've gone worse. Jungkook took a gamble with not telling me about the whole set up. He must think I'm sane enough not to completely flip out at him in public.
Maybe I should've done that. Maybe then he wouldn't take my saneness as something to take advantage of.
I take out my phone and decide to see the damage online.
It never takes me long to see all the gossip. This time, though, I go straight to K-twitter. I'm not in the mood for English users who are trying to kiss my a.ss for a retweet or like.
Wow. K-Army hates me so much that the only viral photo going around is a photo in which I was definitely cropped out of.
All the replies in Korean are mostly praising this user for getting a photo of him, but then as I keep scrolling it doesn't take me long to find all the English tweets about me.
And then... there's one tweet that brings me some hope.
My fingers are itching to reply to everything. All the hate, all the praise, just replying to something would give me a piece of mind. These accounts treat twitter as if no real person is typing out the tweets. I'm sick of it.
Before I can think twice about tweeting something, I receive a text from Tae.
When I see it's in Korean I almost want to throw my phone against the wall. My head hurts— but this is the only way I will strengthen my skills.
(text translated)
Tae: I'm sorry...
I thought you knew...
You: no. Thank you so much for telling me!!
I was happy to find out.
As I'm typing, my progress shows. I no longer have to go to Google Translate to type my responses; instead, all of my texts are filled with millions of typos and incorrectly spelled words.
Tae: you are in so many articles
I can't believe my eyes
So many people care hhhh
You: how do we look?
Tae: you look great
You: good haha
how are rehearsals?
Tae: we stopped
You: why?
Tae: Jungkook is back
He is crying
You: he's crying?
(in English) like... crying?
Tae: yes
(in English) cry
Tae: he won't tell us why
Jimin is talking to him
I sit up from my mat because I am so shocked. What the hell? He's crying? Oh my God. I'm such a terrible person.
Tae: is it because you didn't know?
Tae: I read our texts again and I didn't realize you had no idea.
The difference between our texts now that he can use his native language— just wow. I love how talkative he is.
You: omg
yes...
we are fighting because he didn't tell me
Tae: ahhhh...
are you okay?
Are you crying too?
You: no
But I am upset
It will be okay I think
Tae: so many typos
LOL 🤪🤪🤪
You: I have to sound out every word I type let me live
Tae: lol
I'm sorry
If I didn't text maybe you wouldn't be fighting
You: that's not true.
I knew the moment we got there
Tae: 😅😅
You: should I text Jungkook?
Tae: no... I don't think so.
I would let time pass
You: 😬😬
Tae: how is your family?
You: lol
My family is just a blind aunt
Tae: really?
You: yes hahaha
Tae: we are going to rehearse without him again
I can't talk for a while
You: ):
good luck with your festivities..
when will you guys be free?
Tae: two weeks?
Three?
Festa ends and we have a lot to do 😅😅😅😅
You: I know
oppa, make sure you're sleeping
and eating and drinking plenty~~
Tae: thank you
no honorifics please
You: even when writing Hangul?!
Tae: friend
remember?
and you are American
don't forget your heritage 😊
You: You're right
Thanks (((:
Talk soon tae 🤪
____________________________
A/N
I camped in a parking lot for a week to get barricade at citifield 😭😭😭 so worth it!! Please forgive me!!
also if anyone is good at editing and wants to edit some selfies of Jaekook ☺️☺️☺️... I wouldn't be against it.