ok, so, question: you think it's still alright to live even though you're a literal good-for-nothing both in the bloodline and in class and the whole society itself? you think it's still okay to be alive despite the fact that you can do a lot of things, but people have better skills at those than you do? like, example, when you're good at art but someone else is better, then you already think you're amazing at writing but then someone else waltzes in and shows you they have better capabilities than you do? yet they aren't telling anyone about that shit and it seems as if you're even more worthless than ever when people find out about their "hidden talents" which turn out way better than what they kmow from you? okay, just to clarify, it's not envy. it's something akin to the feeling of being no longer wanted by the world that has a better gadget to now use. i wonder if this was how the older models of computers felt? maybe. i can imagine them sparkling with hundreds of binary and seething hopelessness, and rage for being outshined by things that are better than them just because man had more information to build the new models with. when we convert that to real life, it's like being left behind just because others have better living conditions and all that kinda shit. and being chosen to have been blessed by whatever kind of system works beyond the realm of those that breathe our air.
that was one reason why i began to doubt the invisible folks in the sky, anyways. if a god really did exist, why the fuck would it even make others suffer as they watch the "chosen ones" laugh and cackle on their high chairs? and then came the conclusion that, because none of anyone's prayers were being answered, it wasn't real. all this heaven and hell and bible thing. at a very blind age, that was a conclusion that came really easily to me, because it was common sense, hence the truth. so why cling onto weird shit that ancient people made up? just... sit there and wish for death or something, because if this god of yours does exist at all, he'd stop you from killing yourself. why the actual fuck would it let you suffer more than ever if it'd stop you in the end, though? i don't know, testing faith like he did with job? that was one of the cruelest stories in the bible ever. taking everything away from a virtuous man just to win a childish competition against satan or some fuck? and then giving him back his stock tenfold as an excuse to make it appear you are G O O D and plan everything to make it unfold really greatly in the end? that's nothing other than premium assholery, okay? if you think that's a holy thing that's to be praised, you're fucking sick.
like, dude, i'm probably the most sane person i know for not having been brainwashed by this shit you call religion, and i feel so fucking honored that i have not been blinded further by that fake shit you call "the light". as lovecraft stated in the call of cthulhu, men live on an island in the middle of a wide, dark sea, and we are not supposed to venture any further. and if ever we are exposed to the light of the truth, we would want to go back into the safe covers of the dark skies. i didn't, though. i knew shit about the truth and didn't decide to let go of it for the sake of being at peace. although, this choice wasn't mine, for fuck's sake. my mind just automatically registered it and finally, i was far away from the safety of darkness. not really that far, but farther than most people who are still being brainwashed and possessed by the folly of faith and many other things.
for one, though, i am hoping that there would atleast be a better place somewhere further for the people who deserve it. those who have done nothing but acts of kindness all their lives and who have done me no wrong at all, because they've been given really good values, deserve to be in a separate place from the people who opress and trample upon others. that's atleast the best payment you can give them, but, seeing as those kinds of things rarely ever occur nowadays, i bet that place is empty. most likely. no, there may be a few people who dwell in that separate space, but man, hard to believe.
anyways, going back, i really think i should fucking die now more than ever because everything i can do, various people can do it better. i consider myself one of the most unfortunate, because heavy burden and unfavorablr circumstances had greeted me ever since i came into this world. i really wanna fucking die, but i don't know which action to take or which method to use. i really am the most sane person i know, because i have reached the conclusion that i'm just another defective product, and that i was an early model used by lots of other people to be able to create better, grander products.