Part IV
...we all have choices
and she finally gave herself one.
Turns out,
it was the only one she ever needed.
- Zachry K. Douglas
***
It was a sterol clean smell. Something my mind connected the place to even though I had never been there before.
I made the connections, but my mind still was disoriented. Dazed. I tried to move. That's when the pain hit.
"Soraya, don't move."
"We need to strap her down again."
"Put her under, she won't be able to handle this pain."
And then the screaming.
I don't remember screaming.
Leo told me later that I did. He didn't actually tell me...I just remember him whispering to mom one night, me overhearing him as they sat on the porch, "I sometimes can hear her screams...sometimes I can hear the noise she made when she woke up... That's when I wanted to be a doctor...So Soraya would never make a sound like that again..."
Ironic. One brother brought destruction and the other peace. Or maybe there was no irony. Just balance. Balance in all it's natural ways that such a darkness had to be balanced out by an equal amount of light.
Maybe.
I stared at the ceiling, crying. Wishing I wasn't crying. Wishing I wasn't. But I was.
His words still haunted my mind. Still sat within me, as Vincent's whispers came into my soul, branding it with each utterance.
I don't remember the next days. A blur of in and out. Of pain and then darkness. Those memories are vague. They're fuzzy and obscured.
Schulman told me later it was the medicine. The medicine made it that way. Made me think I saw what was never there. Made me hear what should not have been heard. Made me feel nothing.
But the medicine can only do so much.
Because there are some things, some handful of things, that I do remember.
Their whispers.
"Schulman...tell me the truth."
"Alpha...Her spine...There's damage to the nerves, I did as much as I could, and straightened it as much as was allowed during surgery...she'll need more though...and her first shift...I don't think...It's hard to say but..."
"Just tell me the truth. I don't care how bad it is."
"...She may never shift. And even if she did somehow...the pain would be too much."
Then silence.
"Is the Luna okay?"
"She's at the packhouse. She's...painting. This only brings bad memories for her, she doesn't need to be here."
I didn't hear that last sentence. My mind was too focused on the first. The first few details.
Never be able to shift. Never be able to shift.
The door opens. I can't turn my head to see who it is. My eyes are blurred, but I don't know if it's from tears of his words, or tears from the pain. The pain.
Goddess the pain.
"Soraya, I'm here."
I can't speak. The movement of my jaw only makes me wince. Making me wince causes my body to jerk. And that small movement made me scream. The whole process only ended with a needle and darkness.
Dad doesn't lean forward to be in my eyesight. I hear him sigh. Hear the tap of his hands against the framing of the bed as he stares at me.
"I need to tell you something."
I already know. I can't speak though. I can't speak to tell him to stop. Be quiet.
"Dr. Schulman just informed me that there is a possibility you may be unable to shift due to your...injury." He sits there, waiting for me, or him. I don't know.
Now I know that blurring vision is not from any physical pain.
"Reckless. Always so...so reckless. What were you doing out in the woods alone?" His voice doesn't break. It's soft and questioning. Almost like he is talking to himself.
"Always trying to prove yourself. Did you fight him? The rouge? Did you want to prove something to me?"
He continues talking, "Is it really worth your life?"
He doesn't speak. For a long time, he does nothing. And then I feel his hand brush against mine. The faintest trace of warmth along my skin.
One sob. Just one break in his composure.
"You would have been a great Alpha."
And then he leaves.
* * *
Rex says nothing in the car as we drive back. I occasionally meet his eyes as they glance towards me and widen.
I knew he wanted to ask. Orion stood in the back of the truck, eyes closed, and body moving with every bump and lurk the vehicle made. His fur flew back from the wind, head almost in a leaning position. He watched the mountains fall behind us as we drove away. Watched the changing landscape as we made our way back.
Rex continues to meet my eyes, widening his own.
I ignore him. My own eyes keep falling back to Orion.
He ignores both of us though, and the rest of the trip is carried out in a long silence.
I was blind. I always had a plan in my mind of what to do. I always had carried around a goal, something that I was reaching for. Now I didn't have it. I felt disconnected. Lost.
Even with Orion back in my sight, I had a dark cloud of doubt for his words. Like he was an illusion of smoke that could be blown away at any second. The world seemed so full of possibility, yet at the same time, it held so many barriers and fears.
Fear.
A word I always avoided but now acknowledged. Fear had been a constant companion for me.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being unwanted.
Fear of others. Of their thoughts. Of my own thoughts.
Fear of my body, of the pain it would bring to me.
"Alpha, this is your mate?"
Rex finally had broken under the silence. I knew he wouldn't be able to keep it for long.
"Yes."
He stares at me, eyes narrowing from the one worded answer.
I see Orion's head turn slightly towards us.
"Have you made your decision?"
I don't answer Rex. He sighs- a frustrated sound.
"Alpha. Come on now, I gave you what you wanted. Give me what I want now."
"I..."
The pack is coming closer. I recognize the drive of it now, the trees and how they match the surrounding forest.
"Don't be like this Alpha."
I inhale deeply.
"Rex...If it doesn't work-,"
"Just try it. Just try. You have your mate back. You have a new pack that is ready to accept you. Things are looking up for you Alpha."
I look up to meet steel grey eyes. Through the rearview mirror, Orion and I stare at one another. His head turns, gaze going to Rex in question. I continue to watch him, but eventually, he turns back around.
Rex and I both sigh at the same time.
I hear him whisper quietly, "got that right Alpha."
* * *
Orion does not leave my side as the pack approaches us. I feel his weight press against me, almost in a weary way as he watches them. There is no tension or unease from them as they inspect him. Some even approach, not put off at all that Orion has chosen to stay in fur.
I feel his head lift up. I follow his eyes and smile when I see what they have landed on.
Caspian is staring at Orion with wide eyes, a mixture of fear and awe combining within him.
I hold my breath, waiting for Orion.
But he doesn't move. Through the rest of the introductions, I can feel his sight still lingered on Caspian.
I bend down, stroking the side of his fur to whisper in his ear, "it's okay."
A shudder runs down his body.
He looks at me then. His grey eyes are wide. Almost panicked.
"Alright."
I stand and look at Rex, "I think we're going to call it a night."
"Sure thing Alpha."
Orion presses against me still. My hand goes down to his fur, my fingers twisting around the long strands on the neck. I close my eyes, remembering the times I had thought of him as my guide. As something that I used because I was to blind to the world.
"Here ya go Alpha. You and...your mate can use the spare bedroom."
Rex doesn't linger and soon Orion and I are alone.
I suddenly feel uncomfortable. I shouldn't. But there is a tension in the room that I can't shake off.
"His name is Caspian."
I don't expect him to shift, but something in my words prompts him to.
I look away from the skin. From his untrimmed beard and tangled hair. He still looked too thin.
He sits down next to me. I inhale sharply as his arm brushes against mine.
"Sorry," his voice is hoarse.
"It's fine."
We continue to sit in silence until Orion speaks.
"You said Caspian?"
"Yes. He has a sister named Clover."
Orion stares at the ground as he nods, "Good names."
"Yes..."
He looks up to the ceiling. I get up then, going into the guest bathroom until I find what I'm looking for. I reemerge holding the brush.
A look of amusement crosses his face as he shakes his head.
"It's a mess."
"I know."
I sit behind him, trying to not pull on the knots to hard. He closes his eyes and winces when I catch the brush on the tangles.
"I missed this."
I don't voice out loud that I did too. I missed it all.
"What will happen to Alba Rosa?"
"I don't know."
He opens his eyes to stare up at me.
"Soraya..."
"I don't know Orion. I can't...I can't think about them right now."
"You have to."
He stares at me, gaze piercing into me as I look back.
I sigh, "I know."
"You father..."
"I know."
He nods, closing his eyes again. The tangles are still there. I try to pull the bigger knots apart, making the clumps of hair smaller, but it's no use.
Orion is able to read my thoughts.
He stands, and without a word walks into the bathroom. I hear the water turn on and walk in to find the bath started.
He steps in and sighs.
"I missed this also."
I laugh at the look on his face.
He looks up at me, smiling.
On the edge of the tub, I reach for the shampoo, easing it into his hair, letting the suds run down my hands and his back. Letting it wash the dirt and grime away.
"Do you remember when you cut my hair?"
Orion laughs, "I think I remember that differently than you do."
"What? You remember cutting my hair differently?"
"Not the hair. What you did to me after."
I stare at him blankly. He glares at me, sitting up straighter.
"You don't remember?"
"No...I...Did I do something?"
"You stuck your tongue in my ear."
I start to laugh but stop at the serious expression on his face. "I did...no I didn't!"
"You did." He crosses his arms and shudders as if casting off such a horrifying image. "I was just an innocent wolf and you-,"
"You're right I remember this haircut very different-,"
"Do you know what I thought after that?"
"Wow what a pervert?"
He smiles and shakes his head, "No. No, I thought...I thought you were life. I thought you were like a reincarnation of the moon goddess. Something powerful enough to shift the tides and demand the cry of wolfs at night...you just...captivated me."
I lean forward, wrapping my arms around him, letting my head fall to the side to stare at him closer.
"And now?"
He leans back into me and smiles.
"It hasn't changed."
His hand comes up, resting to wrap around my arm. I smile with him, closing my eyes and letting the peace of his touch wash over me. Letting it be the cleanser for my soul to rinse away the dirt that stained it.
"Don't ever ask me to leave you again."
I feel a tightness in my throat. I keep my eyes shut, knowing that if I opened them now, my composure would break.
"Okay."
I hear the water from the tub move against him as he turns to face me. He moves to rest between my legs, arms wrapping around my waist as he lifts his head up to be eye level.
I take my hands, letting the soap fall down his neck as I press them against his skin.
"Kiss me."
His lips press against mine.
I exhale deeply, letting the fire bring life back into me.
"Thank you."
"For you, any time."
He turns back around, letting me rinse the shampoo from his hair.
Without another word we sit in our silence, getting back to knowing one another, letting our souls connect again to each other. Letting our minds and hearts be soothed by the occasional touch, the flashing smile, the quick- or slow- kiss.
And when the tangles are gone from his hair, he stands and dries himself. I watch as he shifts back into his fur, the edges of the tan color no longer lined with dirt and mud.
I crawl into the bed with him and bury my face into the warmth of his body, letting my arms wrap around the anchor that I had long needed during my nights to keep nightmares and terrors away.
My arms wrap tightly around him. So tight that I fear he might push away or protest. But his body only moves further into mine, and soon I realize that we both needed each other in exactly the same way.