"that's what happens when your dick and your heart works faster than your brain."
omar
i felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world right now.
after i said what i said to gazzy, i immediately regretted it when i saw that look of hurt flash in his eyes for a split second before he tried to act all unaffected and unbothered by what i said.
gazzy was hurt and heartbroken right now on a day that was supposed to be fun because of me.
what gazzy doesn't know is that i'm acting like this towards him for his own good.
that probably sounds idiotic and asinine, but it's the truth. gazzy and i can't continue this whole flirty friends with benefits type thing we have going on any longer. all it was going to do was end badly, with even more heartache for the poor boy. he was already so attached to me, and i was starting to catch feelings for him as well, so i had to nip this shit in the bud now before he fell even deeper in love with me and it made his heartbreak even more painful in the long run. if we continued on the path we were on, it would have ended with nothing but hurt feelings for everyone involved.
because gazzy deserves better than someone who was just going to lead him on, which is what i was doing. i gave him false hope that we would end up together and live happily ever after, when that would never happen because i'm not gay.
even if i am gay, which i might still be, i'm not capable of having a real relationship with actual romance and feelings involved. i'm just not built for it. i've never been in a real relationship - just flings, so if i did date gazzy, i'd probably end up doing something wrong and breaking his heart anyway.
like i did just now...
i wish i could just not give a fuck, and just pin gazzy down and rearrange his insides like i so desperately want to, but i couldn't use gazzy as just another sex doll the way i used girls in the past. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i used him for sex. i care for him too much.
he probably thinks i hate him right now, but it's the exact opposite. i love him so much that i don't want to lead him on anymore because he's more than just a fat ass and nice lips to me, and gazzy deserves someone who would be able to connect with him emotionally as well as physically.
but even though i had my reasons for how i acted today, i couldn't shake that burning feeling in my chest telling me i fucked up.
the car ride back was one of the most awkward experiences i've ever gone through. gazzy was staring out the window the whole time, sniffling and trying not to cry, which made me feel worse. jahseh was glaring at me with pure venom in his eyes, as if he wanted to kill me right then and there - i'm guessing he knows what happened. stoke was sleeping and snoring his fat ass off, diego and kimetrius were in their own little world, cuddling in the backseat together with the teddy bear that metri won today. if i wasn't painfully single, i might have found it cute. and i couldn't see what cassy was doing, but she seemed pissed off too as she gripped the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles went white.
honestly, all i wanted to do was go home and go to bed at this point, because today was supposed to be fun, but yet i felt regret eating me alive even though i was only trying to make things right and protect gazzy's feelings, even though i ended up hurting them.
there was no way out of it - i should have never even gotten involved with gazzy in the first place, but that's what happens when your dick and your heart work faster than your brain.
the car ride seemed like it would last forever, and honestly, i was getting creeped out by how jahseh's angry gaze at me never seemed to break, but i made his best friend cry; i deserve it.
soon, everyone was dropped off at their homes, which left an awkward atmosphere at my home.
i stayed in the car after cassy and gazzy got up and went inside, laying down in the backseat and contemplating things. i didn't even want to be around gazzy right now, it'd just hurt both of us more, so i stayed out here in deep thought.
eventually, i decided to suck it up and go into the house.
and as soon as i walked inside, i recieved the drag of my life.
"how dare you."
i barely stepped past the threshold of the doorway before i was greeted with an angry cassidy. her olive toned face nearly red with rage as she stepped closer to me with clenched fists.
"what?"
i felt a stinging sensation hit my jaw as cassy punched me in it. "don't what me, you fucking asshole. you know exactly what you did."
"yeah but-"
more punches and kicks hit my body as cassy just decided to wail on me for what i did to her brother - once again, i deserved it.
i stood there and let her beat my ass for a few seconds, because i don't hit females, especially not females that are related to gazzy, and again, i deserved all the ass beatings in the world right now.
she eventually tired of using me as a pinata, and she decided to just lash me with her words instead.
"let me get this straight. so you treat my little brother like shit all day, break his heart and make him cry because you're not man enough to admit you wanna pipe, and you're just walking around like it doesn't matter to you? gazzy is broken because of your fat ass, and you just don't care."
"that's not a fair thing to say," i replied, defending myself. "i do care cas, really, i hate that i had to do that to him, but it was for his own good. i couldn't keep leading him on like that."
cassy looked like she was about to hit me again, but she just continued to drag me for filth. "if you didn't want to do it to him then why did you do it in the first place? you sound stupid."
"because sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to do," i replied. "you think i enjoy the fact that gazzy is hurting because of me? you think i like the fact that i broke his heart after i had just got him to trust me? no! but i had to do it eventually. if i waited any longer he would have been even more heartbroken because of me."
she slapped me in the face. "then maybe you should have cuffed him like you know you want to do, and like gazzy was waiting for you to do... but you know what? i'm glad you aren't going to cuff him. he deserves more than an indescisive coward like you. you are a coward omar. a big fat coward."
i lowered my voice, finally breaking down. i deserved the verbal assault cassy was giving me, but i had to defend myself.
"do you have any idea how hard it is to come out as gay when you've been told your whole life that it's a sin and all gay people will burn in hell? do you know how hard it is to overcome that feeling that you're letting god down and letting your family down and you're dirty and disgusting just because of the gender you like?"
so yes, i'm gay. but it's so hard for me to even think that sentence because of how it was for me growing up. if i even hinted at or showed any tendencies of homosexuality as a child, it was shamed and beat out of me. my uncle tearing up my picture when i was 7 was only one incident out of several which made me decide to repress my sexuality.
and now because of everything that i internalized when i was a child, i couldn't even love the person i so desperately wanted to love without pussying out and hurting him in the process.
i really ain't shit.
cassy's expression softened and she lowered her voice as well. "gazzy and i were both raised in a homophobic household as well, i mean, gazzy was literally kicked out of our dad's house for being gay, and he's gone through so much bullying and abuse because of his sexuality. it's not easy for him either, and it's not easy for me to be closeted when i still live with my dad. it's not easy for any of us. but are you willing to take those risks to be with gazzy or not? because if not then you need to stop playing with him. he's been through enough pain, and he doesn't need you to add to it."
i let cassy's words sink in and hit me. she was 100% right. i needed to work through my internalized homophobia pronto, because i want gazzy. i want him so bad that just thinking his name makes me feel tingles all over my body and makes my breath hitch, and i've never felt that way about anyone in all 18 years of me being alive.
i finally made my decision and i decided i want gazzy.
"i am willing," i responded after thinking through everything she said. "but do you think he'd forgive me?"
"i don't know. should he forgive you?" she responded nonchalantly.
and honestly, i didn't even know the answer to that. he probably wouldn't forgive me, and rightfully so. there's only so many times you can get fucked over before you stop giving second chances, so if gazzy was done with me, i'd deserve it. i literally told him to move on from me after all, so i couldn't be mad if he did what i told him to do.
but regardless, i wanted to apologize to him and see if we could start over, because i want him so badly.
"where did gazzy go anyway? is he in my room?" i asked her.
"he said he was going to jahseh's," she answered.
maybe i should just wait until he came back from jahseh's house. i didn't want to get my ass beat twice in one night, and jah literally looked like he wanted to dismember me last i saw him.
but once again, my heart acted faster than my brain, and i found my way over to jahseh's house to beg for gazzy's forgiveness that i didn't deserve.
i didn't even think of what i would do, what i would say, all the different scenarios that could happen. i only had one thing on my mind and that was making things right with my baby.
i found my way on jahseh's doorstep, knocking on the door a few times until i felt the familiar smell of cotton candy fill the air.
gazzy swung the door open, and we were face to face with one another.
but what i noticed were all the hickeys all over his neck, with a few scattered around his exposed chest as well. his dreads were all over his head as well, and he looked at me with a blank stare.
and then, as if that wasn't enough, before i or gazzy could even say anything to each other, i then heard footsteps trailing behind gazzy, before jahseh wrapped his arms around gazzy's waist and kissed his cheek.
i know i told him to move on, but this quick? and with jahseh? his best friend?
i wasn't mad, because i had no right to be, but was i discouraged? of course i was.
"omar, what are you doing here?" jah asked me, in a calmer tone than i would have expected from the same nigga that was staring at me like he wanted to murder me.
"actually i was just leaving. i just...got lost. bye."