I can't help how I feel. I mean, honestly, ask yourself if you really truly believe you can control who you fall in love with? I'm being serious. Think about who you love and how you got there. I love Emily; and I cannot see any other way in which this scenario could have turned out. The answer is simple if you haven't already come to the conclusion that I have. You can't control it. It's this amazing gift that can fill your heart until you feel as if it could burst and at the same time bring you to your knees filled with utter anguish.
If you think for one second that you can control who you fall in love with, who you're attracted to, you're only fooling yourself.
Right now I'm on the bottom end of this love. Why can't Emily see that we should be together? Why can't she see past everyone else's opinion? Emily would be happy with me. I'd be happy with her.
At least I had that happiness for one night. Deep down I know I continue to refuse to accept that I've lost. She's not married yet, this little voice in my head reminds me that I haven't lost yet. You wouldn't believe the crazy things I've thought of doing to win over her heart from Tom... and I haven't completely ruled them out. But I want Emily to choose me of her own power, not because I did something crazy.
I want Emily to choose me because she wants to, because she was brave enough to stand up for herself and choose her own happiness above all else.
Well, that is if I'm lucky enough to be the person who makes her happy.
It's early April now...and Emily is getting married in 2 months. I'm running out of time. I don't want to forget we met, I don't want her to forget me. I don't want to leave our job!
Why can't she see what's sitting right next to her? Me! I love her and I can't seem to get her to see past her insecurities with everyone else around her. And now we have that damn conference starting today and I have no idea how this weekend is going to go.
There was a huge elephant in the room when we found out we were going. Except no one could see it but me and Em. I know we were both thinking it, dreading it. I mean what are the fucking odds of that even happening? A weekend. Together. In the same hotel room?
FUCK.
Really, what the actual fuck? We are both crammed into the furthest backseat of the district mini van right now with four other teachers from school, on our way into Phillie for the first day of training. Ella is driving and has some awful music on the radio. Those four are deep in conversation about some teacher squabble that happened in the lounge yesterday. Neither Em nor I are even listening to it, sitting side by side in awkward silence. We've been on the road for 10 minutes now without so much as a word until I hear Em's hushed whispers.
"Is this how it's going to be all weekend? We aren't going to talk to each other? It's going to be a long weekend if that's the case." The backseat is the smallest in the van, our arms and legs touching as we sit here. No way to avoid it, but my skin feels as if it's on fire. She's in skinny jeans and this navy striped sweater that is hanging off her shoulder. I so badly want to put my hand on her thigh while we sit here. I would if we were together, if we were a couple.
"What do you want to talk about, Em? Your wedding? My divorce? What we did?" I dropped my voice at the last part but apparently not low enough.
"Keep your voice down!" Em hissed.
"I don't have anything to hide. I'm not ashamed of that." I'm whispering now, for her sake. I get it, this isn't for everyone's ears.
The past month has been bumpy with Em. We've managed to start to hang out again outside of work only a couple times, but there's always this tension between us. It's so obviously sexual, and I can feel the way Em looks at me. Like she wants us to hook up again. Hell, I want to, but I never allow myself to act on it. She asks to meet at my house, but I always suggest we hang out in public now, like The Brew or the Apple Rose Grille. This way I'm protecting Mya, too.
The tension is so vividly clear to me at work, too. But anyone who watched us teach together would never guess anything had happened between us. They'd probably think we've worked together for years with how well we complement each other and they'd chock it up to that.
Ella's leading their lounge discussion now, throwing a few of our colleagues under the bus for various transgressions from the past few years. Every now and then I catch a gasp or a shocked sound from one of the others as they listen to her spill so I keep going.
"Just because we are sharing a hotel room doesn't mean anything, Em." It kills me to say that because I want it to mean exactly what I know she's thinking could happen.
"So that's it? I'll just stay on my side then? You'll stay on yours?"
I wish there were only one bed in our hotel room. Ugh! I wish there was a place in Rosewood I could call ours besides at the school. If we were truly together, I'd never let her leave the hotel room. I'd make love to her the whole weekend in that room and skip every last breakout session of this damn conference. But we can't.
I can't.
"There are two beds, so that shouldn't be a problem."
I don't have a problem resisting my temptations with Em when we're in public. It's easy, I can't do anything anyway. But it's been months since we've been in a situation like this for even one night. And we have to endure two. There's not even a chance of Thomas popping up unexpectedly, so we could do whatever we wanted and he'd never know. The last time we were alone together during the night was the best sex I've ever had in my life.
I'm not putting myself through this again, though. It was too much before, I can't handle it a second time. We spoke in hushed whispers the rest of the way agreeing to keep things friendly.
We'll see how long that lasts.
When we arrived we quickly checked in and walked to our room to drop our bags off. That door shutting behind us was defining for me, confirming what I want. Em all to myself. Alone, together at last, like it should be. Now if I could just get that ring off her finger. But I can't get caught up in that right now. I quickly dropped my bag on the bed and hurried back to the door holding it open.
"Ready to go? Registration check in starts in 10 minutes." I need to get out of this room. Em's dark eyes are locked on mine when she walks by purposely brushing against me as she crosses the threshold. She is torturing me on purpose, walking down the hall in front of me like this. If you could see her, watch her from where I'm standing you'd be a puddle on the floor. Hot, sexy, jaw dropping, sensual, god I could keep going. Some sort of audible tension filled sigh just escaped my mouth and the smirk she threw over her shoulder at me is a tell tale sign she has no intention of abiding by our agreement.
Women who are friends? They don't flirt with each other. Not like this.
I walked into the elevator first with Emily right on my tail. The buttons were behind me and she walked right up against me, reaching between my waist and arm for the lobby button behind my back. Of course, her face was right next to mine and I tilted my head to the side to allow her to see. God she's good at this, I can feel her breaths on my neck and if I turn my head even a little we'd be headed right back down the hall to the room. But we can both hear Ella's voice carrying in the hall.
"Hold the elevator, please!" Thank god. Emily backed off, but that smirk is still on her lips. It's not even 8 am and I can already tell there's no way I'm going to last this weekend without something happening between us.
Ella is chatting Emily's ear off while my skin feels like it's burning everywhere. I'm pretty sure my cheeks are flushed, too, that always happens to me when I'm feeling even the slightest bit turned on. You know that feeling when you almost get caught fooling around? Even though you didn't get caught, you still feel like everyone around you knows. It just burns through your body, it's burning through mine right now and Emily is standing there chatting like nothing happened. Jesus, I was ready to fuck her right here in the elevator.
When the door opened to the lobby, Ella exited first and Em followed looking back at me with that sultry smirk. "Are you going to come, Ali?" Jesus christ...
If this keeps up, yes on both accounts.
Once the opening remarks were delivered by the keynote speaker, we were split out by grade level to different breakout sessions. Of course, Em and I ended up at a table together in the Kindergarten breakout with a couple other teachers from other nearby cities.
There are handouts and curriculum samples in front of our spots. Judging from the pile of them just for this session, it's going to be a long two days between this and Emily. I heard the crowd quieting down while I chatted with our table-mates, which means the presenter walked in.
"Good morning everyone and welcome! It's so nice to see your smiling faces here so early in the morning and ready to learn."
I practically choked when the presenter started talking. Un-fucking-believable. I can't, there are no words. None except 'fuck!' I didn't want to, but I looked up. I couldn't stop myself. Now I can't look away, it's like a train wreck.
"I see lots of new people, and I can't wait to get to know you over these next two days ..." she continued but then stopped herself short after her eyes landed on me. "....but some of you I know from way back."