The hardest part of breaking up with someone is seeing them realize that they aren't your person anymore.
How can you tell someone that 'hey, I used to love you, it's just that I've met someone who makes me loose my mind, so can we break up?'.
Or 'I'm not in love with you anymore. Please, let me go.'
That's just cruel!
I've tried not to be that kind of person and I refuse to be like my Elsa.
I don't want to hurt Evan, but sooner or later I know I wouldn't be able to stop myself.
I'm still confused about how I feel about Izzie.
The only clear thing is, I'm still falling deeper and deeper, everyday.
So I have to do something about it.
"Earth to Casey?"
I heard a finger snapping, it seems like Evan has been trying to get my attention but I was so lost in my own thoughts that I forgot he was even here in my room.
"Sorry."
He says it was okay, but I know he didn't believe me. That is how easy I can read him.
Like right now, he is playing with my hand but the truth is, something is bothering him too.
I sigh, "You can ask me, you know."
He stops what he was doing and sits up straight on my bed, "Should I be worried about something?"
There it is, the moment I have been waiting for. My cue to finally talk to Evan about us.
But why can't I find the words?
I sadly stare at him, too damn scared that I might say the wrong words.
"Evan, listen. We need to talk." I almost choke on my own words.
I sit up straight, deciding if I should turn to him and look into his eyes or just look straight ahead.
He reaches out for my hands which makes me look at him, "What's bothering you babe?"
Evan is a gentle and sweet guy. I'm so scared that this will ruin him.
Why does it have to be this way? I look at him, trying to think of a better way on how to do this.
But like what the song said, there's just no easy way to break somebody's heart.
So I guess I'm just going for it.
My eyes starts to burn, as I feel my chest becomes heavy. "I.. I can't do it." I chickened out. I remove my hands from his hold and gets up from the bed, away from him.
I start to pace the floor, I've been bitting my nails non stop, it starts to hurt a little.
I wanted to be honest with him, but I just couldn't.
He was my first on many things.
Evan suddenly stands in front of me that we almost collided. He tries to calm me by rubbing his hands up and down on my arms. "What is going on? You're scaring me, Casey." He said worriedly. "Are you..pregnant?"
My eyes grew big, "Fuck, no!"
He almost look relieved, "Then what's wrong?"
I had to do this. Its now or never.
So I rest my forhead on his chest, because I just can't look in his eyes and see the hurt that I will cause after I tell him whats going on.
"I want to break up." I could feel my heart breaking as I hear him gasp. His heart starts to beat faster and louder.
He lets go of me and then steps away, "Woah.. What did you say?" He looks at me as if I grew another head.
I couldn't look at him for so long, so I kept my head bowed down while tears starts to flow.
"Please, don't make me say it again." I beg of him.
He sits down on my bed which made me able to see how devastated he looks. "I atlease deserve to know why I'm being dumped." He gave me an accusing look. "Did I do something?"
I bit my lower lip once more as I wipe aways my tears. "I can't. And no, you didn't."
He sarcastically laughs, "So, it's you and not me then? Are you gonna give me that shitty speech?"
I immediately kneeled down in front of him, but he refuse to let me hold his hands.
"Was there someone else?" his voice sounds so broken that I can't help but feel the same.
I wanted to lie to him but I know he will find out sooner or later, so there's no point.
"Y..yes." I was ashamed of myself.
He didn't say a word and he didn't have to. The look of hurt and betrayal on his face was more than enough to send a thousand knives at my heart.
"I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I.. I just didn't expect it and before I could even stop my self, I'm already too deep." I tried to explain and hoped that it made sense to him. "I love you Evan, I'm just not sure if I am still in love with you."
He just stares at me, and I think he saw that I was telling the truth.
And it breaks my heart to see him cry.
"Please, don't hate me." I tried to explain further but I just cant. I guess I was scared to say things that will hurt him more.
He sighs, "I could never hate you. But I'm so dissapointed Casey. You turned into something you said you would never be."
A cheater.
Yes, I've got that one, loud and clear.
I couldn't defend myself because as much as I wanted to deny it, I know that he was right.
I emotionally cheated on him. I let myself fall for someone else while he's still my boyfriend.
In my mind, I already had chosen Izzie over him every time I stare at her lips longingly wanting to kiss her.
Even if I hadn't act on it, yet, there were times where I could have if only we were not interrupted by someone else.
So yes, it felt like I've already cheated on Evan.
So we just stayed there, silently mourning the love we both knew we have lost.
And then after a while when we both calmed down a bit, he stood up and just left without a single word.
Of course, I just let him go, because we both know that there are no more words left to say that will make things better between us.
Because I've already broken us up when I fell for someone else.
But I've tried, oh God, how I've tried to fight these feelings I have for Izzie.
It's just that real feelings doesn't go away, it stays and before you know it, you're already deeply in love.
And there's nothing left to do but to let it consume you.
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My first instinct was to go to Izzie.
But I don't want her to see me like this.
I'm a mess and I didn't think that breaking up with Evan would hit me this hard.
I didn't just lose a boyfriend, I also lost one of my bestfriends.
So I ran instead, just to clear my mind.
I ran to forget the loneliness I feel inside.
I ran as fast as I could, until my lungs hurts and my legs starts to cramps.
I ran because that's the only thing I know what to do.
But there will always be an end of the path and whether I like it or not, I would have to stop running.
So I did and it all came back to me the moment I stopped.
I fell on my knees, and scream so loud that I am sure my voice will be hoarse for days.
I've cried and cried some more until I couldn't anymore.
After a moment, I just lay there on the grass, blankly staring at the clouds.
I was so consumed by my own thoughts that I didn't even hear someone walking towards me. I didn't need to look to know who it was.
Because my heart knew it was Izzie.
I start to relax when her Vanilla scent hits my senses.
She slowly lie beside me and didn't say a word.
She just stays there and reaches out for my hand and gently kisses it.
There is something in the way she holds my hand that feels so familiar.
It makes me feel safe and wanted.
"I.. I did it. I broke up with him." as expected, my throat is dry and it hurts like shit.
She squeezes my hand, "I know you did."
I looked at her confused, "I was jogging near your house when I saw him. I was on the other side of the street and stopped when I saw how his eyes were red. He looked so mad." She explains.
I feel guilty again. Evan was nothing but good to me, and how did I repay him? By breaking his heart.
"The first thing that came into my mind was you. If he did something to you. So I let him see me and let him cross the street."
I start to worry, instantly, I looked for any bruises on her face, which she just laughs off.
"He didn't hurt me, but he was furious with someone. I think he was angry with Nate. But I couldn't tell him that he was mad at the wrong person."
I looked away, "I couldn't tell him either." How can I if I didn't even know what this is. "All I've told him is that I'm not in love with him anymore."
"Yeah, I figured that out. And I know you would want to clear you mind and take a run. So I waited for you here."
Which means she has been waiting for more than three hours.
"I just needed to make sure that you'll be okay."
It feels nice to have her here by my side, to hold her hand and to just lay there.
This time the guilt was still there, but not like before.
It was always nicer with Izzie.
"I just need a bit more time, Iz."
She squeezed my hand and then kissed the top of my head.
"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere, Newton."
My heartbeat slows down as I start to feel at ease. My throat still hurts but the hurt I feel inside becomes less and less.
Because with Izzie, everything gets better.