I had sex with Evan again.
Yeah, I didn't know what came over me to do that.
Maybe I just wanted to feel something other than the hurt.
But as expected.
It felt the same like it did during our first time, that we actually did it.
Would that mean that I'm still in love with him? Because if not, then I should have felt differently about it. Right?!
Oh, please tell me I'm right.
Because again if not, I'll be in deeper shit than I was before.
"Urg!" Why does it have to be so damn complicated?
That night after I talked to Izzie, I went straight to Evan's house, not caring if its a school night. I texted Elsa that I will be spending the night at Izzie's house.
We went straight to his room after he opened the door.
It felt a little weird at first but it was okay as we go on.
He told me he loved me and I felt so guilty I just kissed him hard so that I won't have to say it back.
He is my best friend and I trust him.
But lately, the feelings I should have for him is what I am feeling now for Izzie.
It was leaning towards being a platonic love.
I think I've got my feelings mixed up and fell in love with my best friend while loving my boy friend as a friend.
But as they say, you can't help how you feel.
I stared at him while he was sleeping.
I needed to do this. I need to end things with him. I said to myself.
Izzie was right, it is not fair.
But how can you break some one's heart when all they did was make you happy?
It was never that easy.
I might be in love with Izzie now but I can't just decide to leave Evan.
He was my best friend, and it was enough before I knew her.
But this is unfair with Izzie too.
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts.
I kissed his forehead and hope that someday he can forgive me.
Maybe tomorrow, I promise, Iz.
~~
I have imagined a lot of scenarios in my head on how this day should go, but not once it has occured to me to see Nate waiting for me.
What does he want now? This is not a good time for him to piss me off.
"Hey." He awkwardly greets, which I purposely ignore so I walk straight, passing by him.
He jogged ahead to catch up with me.
I am so not in a fucking mood for this. "Go away, Nate." I glared at him.
He raised his hands showing me that he meant no harm, "Sorry, I just wanted to talk."
I scoffed, "Not in a million years, so move!" I start to walk pass him, but he seems like he is determined to talk to me.
"I'm sorry I tried to kiss you Casey. But I've already learned my lesson, I swear. I didn't mean it, I got just confused and I was a dick for thinking you were flirting with me too."
I look around and saw that some students are now starting to pay attention to us. So I got annoyed and grabbed his arm to drag him away where we can talk privately.
"Dude, I was so not flirting with you!" I angrily corrected him.
He looks apologetic, "I know that now, and I apologize. Izzie and I were having problems before and I know it is not an excuse but like what I've said, I realized that now."
I might have an idea why they were having problems before.
I crossed my arms and look at him daringly, "What do you want?"
His face lights up like a kid on Christmas day, he looks pathetic.
"I want Izzie back."
Of course you do. But sadly you can never have her back while I am alive!
"No." I said making up my mind as I start to walk away again, hoping this time he gets the message.
"Casey, I beg you." he pleaded. And I was so annoyed at myslelf for looking back.
Because there on the ground was Nate, on his knees begging me for something Izzie-related, which I am not yet sure what my part would be exactly.
"Dude, what the fuck?!" I hissed at him, annoyed at his determination.
He didn't get up, but instead he lowered him self more on my feet. "I'm desperate Casey. She won't reply to my texts or answer my calls. I gave her time to cool off but now she won't even talk to me."
Get a hint! I wanted to say.
"Get up dude!" So he did.
"I want her back Casey. And I promise I will never hurt Izzie again." He seems sincere but this is Izzie.. My Izzie.
Hard pass!
"I don't know what you want me to do here Nate. Izzie already made up her mind about you." I tried really hard not to tell him she doesn't love him.
She never did love him. Izzie had told me.
But he is determined, thats for sure. He then told me how he misses her. He assures me that this time things will be different. That Izzie will be his top priority and he will do everything to make her happy.
In short, he'll do the things that I couldn't.
All the things that Izzie deserves.
And that made me lower my guard against him. He might have seen this and thought that what he was saying was the reason why I'm starting to listen to him.
But the truth is, I just realized how I was being selfish.
Here I am, still with Evan while keeping Izzie from being in a relationship with someone else.
He kept on rambling when I finally made up my mind, "Fine. But.. " His face lights up again, full of hope and happiness. "you have to promise me that you'll stop and leave her alone once I told you to stop."
He thought about it for a second, "Okay, I promise." he agreed.
I simply nod at him and starts to say the things I thought he should do to make Izzie forgive him.
Making my self believe at the same time that this is not a disaster waiting to happen.
That I was doing this for Izzie and not because I was a coward to fight for what I really wanted.
~~~
Izzie hates drama. She had a lot of that at home so she tries so hard to make her school life drama-free as much as possible.
So the first rule was, his apologies has to be simple and sincere. And private if possible.
So when he approached our table during lunch break, looking like an innocent kid, I knew he listened.
Originally he was planning to make a huge romantic gesture during lunch. What a dumb guy. I can only picture it with Izzie pouring her food on the top of his head or walking out while giving him a 'fuck you' on her her way out.
"What are you smiling about Newton?" Izzie was intrigued, so she follows my line of sight and saw her ex-boyfriend approaching us.
Her eyebrow rises and gave me a 'what the fuck' look.
"Hi guys." He greeted every one on the table. Some of our team mates ignored him, some just nod at him. "Izzie. Can we talk?"
She ignores him. Nate looks at me like he was asking for a back up. I gave him a look and a sign, urging him to go on, which had caught Izzie's eyes.
She then looks at the both of us alternately, ofcourse Izzie figured it out, she knows me too well. "You've got to be fucking kidding me, Newton." and then she walks out.
My first instinct is to follow her but for the sake of keeping my promise to him, I let Nate had that chance.
"She'll be on the track field. Go." I am not happy about this but I had to.
Nate puts down his lunch tray on our table and then immidiately went after Izzie.
Every pair of eyes on our table is looking at me like I had two heads.
"What?" I asked diffensively. As I try not to salvage the pasta I was eating with my fork.
I ignore their looks. They knew this was a mistake.
If they only know that I can't believe myself for doing this as well.
~~~~
This is the longest fucking one minute of my life.
And I have never thought that the day would come when I would want to hear those creepy bells signaling us that the classes are over.
Because Izzie has been ignoring my messages since lunch.
And it sucks how we don't have any classes together.
It is annoying actually.
Then the bell rang and before Mr. Parton can even start to remind us about our assignment, I was already out of the room.
I didn't care about the students I bumped into in the hallway as I ran, all I know is I have to find Izzie.
I went to the library first to find our favorite spot empty.
And then the cafeteria and the lounges there.
Finally the track field. There were some students there, but no Izzie.
I tried calling her again, but like the eight times I called, my call was straight to voice mail.
This time I decided to leave her a message.
"Hey Iz. I know you are mad at me. And I know I am in deep trouble with you but please, please let me explain first. Meet me at the bleachers. Please. And Ohh! It's Newton by the way!"
I feel exhausted not from running around. I am used to running, it gives me energy everytime I do.
I am tired of thinking the worst because I don't know if I messed everything up again.
So I decided to sit and just wait for her.
I am starting to lose hope that everything will ever be normal like the way it used to before.
And then she came.
"Talk, Newton. And you better have a fucking good explanation for it." Izzie said while sitting beside me.