Chapter 32: Confessions
"So, that's the difference between Mitosis and Meiosis. All of you must know and understand that."
I sighed and slumped down on my chair biting my nails as I hibernated under my hood.
Hunter still hasn't contacted me.
"Now we will be moving on to DNA and it's structure..." The teacher droned on.
It's already third period, I don't know how I managed to make it this far. Even Trey isn't in this lesson and I haven't seen him in school today, worst of all, he's not picking up his phone.
Luckily, today was the last day of school. Before Christmas holidays.
Just then there was a knock on the door and our biology room fell into silence whilst some guy went to open the door.
In walked Hunter with his hood over his head.
"Hunter, could you please take of your hood?" Mrs. Goodwin spoke as she doodled a double helix on the white board.
I felt a tonne of weight lift from my shoulders.
I turned my head towards Hunter to notice that he was hesitating to take of his hood but as he did I was mortified.
He had a black eye and a deep cut on his forehead with a few scars and scratches scattered around his face, followed by a swollen jaw.
"Hunter what the heck happened." I whispered whilst internally panicking.
"Nothing." He looked down and mobilised himself in that position.
"Hunter, pl-"
"I said nothing." He elongated each word through a clenched jaw resisting to shout.
And that weight came back again.
He was pushing me away...again.
I had noticed his eyes were still blood red. He was obviously out all night.
I let it go and went into a mode of deep thought, trying to make sense of what just happened.
I was itching for the lesson to end and when it did I jumped out of my seat and followed Hunter who was already out the door.
"Hunter!" I shouted.
He continued walking, not turning around once.
I walked faster in hopes of catching up to him but I couldn't.
****
The whole day went by like pages turning in a book.
Hunter hadn't spoke to me at all. Not even a glance in my direction. He sat at the back of all the classes on his own, avoiding me as much as possible.
I was in the parking lot waiting next to Hunters' bike.
I saw him make his way over here with his hood still over his head and as he came, he put his helmet on straight away and sat on his bike.
"Hunter? What happened?" I said in concern.
He sat there and I could see his jaw clenching as he contemplated on what to do. But as he decided, he drove off. Leaving me there trying to figure things out.
I made my way to my car and noticed Trey standing there.
Now he decides to show up.
"He knows what he's doing." He said looking everywhere but at me.
"I know, but what the hell happened?" I asked, but he didn't answer.
"Let him cool off and then go find out." He said before walking away.
Even when I had arrived home, I couldn't put my finger on what could have caused a fight. But what do I know? So, I concluded that obviously something major happened, in terms of the gang and perhaps the police?
It was nine o'clock when I decided to phone Hunter, just to make sure he was okay. I remembered the last time he had gotten into a fight, when he went crazy in school, if I wasn't there to stop him that day I don't know what would have happened. What if the same thing happened today.
He picked up after a few rings and there was silence on the other end.
But I knew Hunter was there.
We both listened in silence, me waiting for him to speak and he I.
I knew if I say something he would hang up straight away.
So, I didn't.
He could probably hear me breathing down the line because I was now overwhelmed with what was happening. I don't like this feeling.
This feeling of not knowing what's going on with Hunter.
This feeling of not knowing what might happen to Hunter.
I decided to speak up and tell him that I wanted to come and see him.
"Hunter, please just listen once. Can you me meet me in the park. The one near my house, in half an hour?"
Silence was all I could hear.
I muttered another "please" before I hung up.
I took my phone and the house keys and headed outside, tip toeing so that the floorboards don't creak. Dylan wouldn't let me go out at this time. At least not on my own.
As soon as I met with the weather outside, I regretted not taking my coat.
What is up with the weather lately? It's so bipolar.
I started walking in the cold, snuggling myself in my hoodie whilst thinking of what I will say to Hunter... If he does show up.
I arrived at the park near my house in ten minutes and I sat on the unoccupied swings.
I swayed in the air whilst my thoughts swayed here and there, wondering and wishing something good will come out of this.
I waited for about another good five when I felt someone's presence behind me.
That was quick.
I stood up and turned around coming face to face with him. His hood still latched onto his head, covering his eyes. That was a good thing. His eyes would have made me abide to anything he says and I can't have that happening. Not when I need to be the one hearing answers.
"Go home." He said, beginning to look up.
I ignored him and sat down on the swing, facing the opposite direction before he could make eye contact.
"Anastasia..."
Just hearing him say my name made me want to listen. I had to know what was happening for his sake. Hunter isn't stupid but he can do a lot of stupid things for certain people.
After he came to terms with my decision of not leaving, he sat down on the swing beside me.
"Just tell me." I spoke softly, trying not to break down.
"I have told you." He replied.
"No, you haven't. Look at you! What the hell happened!" I shouted this time, my eyes still refusing to meet his. "One minute everything's fine and then you show up like this."
"I have told you. I warned you about this. I told you I'm poison. How many time do I have to repeat myself." He remained calm, his voice soft. But my eyes still formed tears. Tears I couldn't help.
"You tell me you're poison but you don't explain why. You're always telling me that Hunter but it means nothing without elaboration..."
"You're pushing me away again. Whenever something goes wrong you push me away." I added.
I didn't want to cry. Heck, I didn't even know why I was. But I did.
"I told you I was poison. I still am. It was a mistake making this - this, relation with you. It's my fault for doing this to you but I did warn you. You can't stay with me without losing yourself. I'm a lost cause, Anastasia."
I took in his words, understanding each and every one.
"There doesn't need to be a relation, Hunter. I moved on from what happened and you can move on from whatever is going on. We don't have to mean anything. We can just be."
"No we can't." He said.
"I'm not here trying to help you be a better person. I like you the way you are. I just can't no matter how hard I try, I can't ever see you in a negative light because I...Just because"
I was saying whatever I could to make him stop pushing me away.
I shouldn't be this concerned. I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself grow too attached but I can't see Hunter slowly fall into a downward spiral because I know that the truth or that he is a good person. No matter how much he disagrees.
"Hunter, I know I'm idiot for being ok with how you are but I am! I'm an idiot. Why do you have to think about not wanting to hurt me, it's not your decision. It's mine."
I spoke firmly and made sure to clear everything I can.
"Just tell me what's wrong."
He doesn't reply.
"What's wrong Hunter?" I repeat myself clearly as I observe him.
He hesitates slightly but then he runs a hand through his hair and stands up fists clenched.
"I hate that I love you so much!" He shouts punching the swing pole.
I stand up.
Love?
Since when? Why? How?
"That's the problem?" I ask him trying to calm him down.
He holds his hand in pain and as I reach forward to caress it. But he pulls away.
"I worry. Anastasia. I worry about so many things and all of a sudden you come and you're all I'm worrying about." He hesitates again looking for the right words.
"I hate myself for loving you so much that it hurts."
I didn't what to say or do as he turns around breathing heavily fists still clenched.
"There's something else though, isn't there?" I ask him. I know that this isn't it.
"Don't make me lie to you, Anastasia." He warns softly, closing his eyes. I knew this was hurting him.
"Then don't." I say.
He sighed and ran a hand down his face, "The police. They've opened a case against me. The gang is falling apart. They've already arrested many of our own. Only little is left and now I might go down too. If they find dirt on me they'll take out all my known associates," He stops, "Anastasia, people know I know you. We are 'known associates'. They'll take you down too. Even if they can't prove your active involvement with the gang, they'll charge you for on the basis that you may have known about they gang but you didn't say anything. Joint enterprise. This is not what I want for you. I promise no matter what, I will not let you lose your life..." He stopped.
"That is why we can't mean anything. That is why we can't 'just be'."
"How did they find dirt on you?" I ask trying to focus on what exactly to do.
I felt numb at the thought of losing Hunter I didn't even have to understand the fact the I may never see him again if what he says is true. I just try to find a way. Try to understand what I can do to help.
"That's the thing. I don't know but it could've been anything or anyone." He says truthfully.
"Even your own can turn on you." I say realising what could happen. They could turn him in for exoneration of themselves.
I notice him gulp, "they're my family but yes, someone can turn on me. It's a possibility so I'm not taking the risk when it comes to you Anastasia."
"So don't get used to me."
I furrow my eyebrows, "don't get used to me?" I repeat, "wow" I mutter under my breathe in disbelief.
I can't believe him.
"I know. I'm sorry. And the truth is you're going to hear me say that a lot if I don't deal with it."
Dealing with it means no sleep. No sleep causes red eyes. Those red eyes that cover his perfect grey ones that define him.
We both waited in silence looking away from each other. Until Hunter sighed and pulled his hood up.
I turned my head to face his. I could see the pain and resistance in his eyes.
My hands subconsciously rose and explored his scars, demanding to be told the story behind them. As I touched his face, he winced as though my touch was salt on his wounds.
He rested his head on mine and so did I as we slowly moved back and forth on the swings.
Then in that very moment, I realised something I thought I could never face. I came to terms with the truth. All the answers as to why I kept running back to him when he wronged me. The answers to why I actually give a damn. The answers to why I care so much.
"Hunter?" I looked up into his eyes that were looking down.
"Hmm."
"I think, I think I lov-"
"Don't."
He knew what I was going to say.
I was hurt and was about to question why he wouldn't let me tell him how I feel.
"Don't say those words. They mean nothing to me,"
He held my hand and continued,
"They have been thrown around by people too much. They have lost their meaning. I hate those words. I know if you say them they would regain their value immensely but I don't want you to give away these words away to me. Not yet at least. Not until you are sure that it's me you want to give them too. But when you do think it's me. Tell me something other than those words... Tell me you'll stand by me, even if it's not physically, just tell me you're mine... Always." He whispered the last parts in my ear.
He titled his head and thought before saying,"Always and forever."
I nodded in acceptance,"Always and Forever."
I knew that although he told me to give them to someone I am sure of - although he knows that, that someone is him. I know that he doesn't want me to give them to him because he thinks that he is not for me. Even though I do.
He let go of my hand as he noticed that I was just slightly shivering. He took of his jacket and pulled it over me.
We both stood up, knowing that it was time to depart.
"Hunter, please don't push me away."
"I can't promise that. Look, me trying to push you away is inevitable. I don't want anything happening to you. You have your whole life ahead of you, I have nothing waiting for me. I have no one counting on me. But you do."
I sighed.
"I am waiting, Hunter. Can't you see? I do care. I'm counting on you. Always."
He held my hand again, and I felt a sudden warmth inside of me, ridding me of the cold.
"What does this mean?" I asked.
"Nothing. It can't mean anything." He spoke.
I winced at the way he said it.
"I'm not any kind of hero, Anastasia." He claimed.
"Yeah like I'm some sort of princess."
He stopped, "you are."
I shook my head and we continued.
"Now that we've got the facts straight. I should tell you, you're not going to see much of me anymore. I need to stay remote. Only came to school today to keep up once last appearance. I need to stay away. Away from the people I care for, and away from the people that care for me. I'm warning you, Anastasia. I have a bad feeling. I have these a lot and they're usually always right. So I'm going to distance myself okay? From you. I need to know that you are safe. So I will be pushing you away."
He just won't give up. "Okay." I said nodding.
It's strange how he always knows what to do.
So level headed.
We were half way down my street when the rain bombarded us.
This moment will probably never come again with the way things are turning out.
I thought back to my last time in such heavy rain like this.
We let the rain droplets fall on us as we continued walking in a sweet yet bitter silence that spoke so many words.
*****
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