Lachlan's P.O.V.
I was 22 years old when I received the worst news of my entire life.
My legs had been aching for months before that point, but it was only when the pain got so bad that I could hardly walk when I finally went to the doctor to find out why.
Osteosarcoma Stage III bone cancer.
I could have died in the next two months if I didn't go to the doctor, and I was hospitalized at once. I was in London at the time, staying with the Sidemen at their house, and the morning I woke up and found that I couldn't walk they helped me out.
That morning I been awoken to the boys downstairs and I had tried to get up but simply collapsed because of the pain in my lower legs and thighs. My legs were swollen and patchy, aching and once I was at the hospital I was told that one of the tumors had caused a fracture in my knee.
I didn't remember much about being in the hospital. I was in so much pain that they gave me a strong dose of morphine and I was out of it for hours, not knowing what was going on.
When I finally came around, I was surrounded by the Sidemen boys who had camped out in my room and refused to leave, even though visiting hours were long over.
The doctor came in, sombre and severe, and I knew at once that things weren't going good. I just closed my eyes, not wanting to know. Simon squeezed my hand.
"I'm sorry, but things are looking good. It's cancer, bone cancer, there's at least 4 tumors in your legs alone and we don't know if it's spread to other areas of your body yet." He paused, giving me a sad look. "You're lucky you have died honestly and the only option at this point it to amputate."
Simon spoke up first, his voice cracking.
"Are you sure there's no other options?" He shook his head.
"Amputation is a last option only... but there's nothing else we can do, the tumors are too big for radiation to have any affect anymore but radiation is still on the table if the cancer has spread... along with the amputation."
I lifted my head, opening my eyes. I was in shock.
"Amputation... where?" He lowered his eyes sorrowfully.
"One leg from at least the upper thigh, there's a large tumour in your femur bone on your right leg and the other from just above the knee, the left leg, the one with the fracture." I sighed, one hand coming up to cover my forehead.
"I- I'm sorry that it's so sudden but we have to do it as soon as possible, in the next few days probably, both to prevent the spreading of the cancer and to stop the pain." He gave me a pointed look. "You can't walk."
It was a statement rather than a question but I knew it was true. I couldn't.
"I'm gonna get the head cancer doctor to come and talk to you guys, explain everything in more detail and explain the plan for the future. It's a little more difficult because you're obviously from Australia and you'll have to pay for medical expenses on your own if you don't have insurance, but there's no time to take you back to Aussie. You're considered a priority case and the doctors are going on standby in the next 24 hours."
I sighed. I did have travel insurance but it would still put a heavy load on my bank account, anywhere between $50,000 and $70,000 Australian dollars. I knew the cost of cancer treatment, it wasn't cheap. At all.
"It's okay Lachlan, we'll help you out. We ain't gonna leave you here, and you need the support." Simon squeezed my hand again, his chin coming to rest on my forehead. It was comforting.
There was a minute of silence as I took everything in. I was going to lose my legs because of cancer. I had cancer. That dreaded word. That dragon. That dragon cancer.
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Two days later. Two days spent lying in a hospital bed, reflecting about everything I could have done. I was going to loose my legs and there was nothing I could do about it anymore. I had stopped fighting. I had stopped trying.
Simon had refused to leave my hospital room, sleeping on a chair beside my bed each night and talking to me non-stop during the day to keep me distracted. It was nice, but I couldn't help but go back to what could have been.
"Lachlan?" I lifted my eyelids gingerly. I didn't want to think. "Come on, you've gotta wake up. The doctors here to talk to you." I just closed my eyes again.
Vikk piped up from his chair. It was visiting hours again and both Vikk and Josh were there. JJ came on the alternate days, switching with the other two. Simon stayed, and Vikk came on most days switching to go with JJ on occasion.
"The doctors don't need to keep coming in and repeating everything Si." He shrugged. It was true, they kept coming and going and repeating the same things over and over to me, telling me how this reaction was normal. I didn't care.
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"Come on Lachlan, you can't do this all day." I was sitting with my head in my hands, a blanket over my body and tears streaming down my face. It was the day.
It didn't matter to me that I was in so much pain that I couldn't sleep, my legs flaring in pain every time I tried to move, it didn't matter to me that I would die if they didn't amputate my legs. I didn't want it to happen, no matter what anyone said.
Simon wrapped his arm around my shoulders, bringing my face into his neck. He whispered into my ear, trying desperately not to jostle me more than he had to, as he knew that any movement caused me immense pain.
"It's going to be okay Lachlan." I shook my head.
"You can't keep telling me that, it's not true." He squeezed me, tightly.
"It is going to be okay. Look at me." He put his finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. "No matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. I will still love you, and you will still be here."
I closed my eyes.
"You will still be able to do everything you have even after this, it won't matter. We'll help you through everything, okay." He pushed my hair back, allowing me to cling to him. I was terrified and he knew it, so being able to feel his warmth around me was comforting and got my thoughts away from what would happen in the next few hours.
I hadn't been allowed to eat or drink anything since the night before and the surgery was scheduled for 1 in the afternoon, and because it was only 10am, I still had a few hours to wait before my life changed forever, again.
My stomach growled and Simon laughed, having heard it.
"You hungry?" I nodded miserably.
"Just... just don't, please. I don't want to hear it." He squeezed my hand again.
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An hour passed. Then another. And another. And before I knew it, the doctor was coming in and telling me that it was time.
I cried. I wasn't ashamed to say it, but I cried as Simon held me. Vikk curled up on the bed beside me and wiped the tears from my eyes, one of his hands resting on my chest. Simon was on my other side, one hand on my hip and the other by my head.
Both were extremely careful to avoid anything touching below my waist even though my legs were aching and swollen without moving.
"Can you stay with him?" I was almost asleep when I heard the doctor whisper to Simon, Vikk standing and sliding from the bed as quietly as possible. "Keep him calm, we'll wheel the bed to the operating room with you on it and give him the anaesthesia there."
"That... actually sounds okay. I thought you were going to make me wake him up." The doctors must have shook his head, because I felt Simon's chest vibrate as he hummed.
"I'm not that mean. He'll panic if he wakes and a panicked patient is the last thing I want, especially with the seriousness of the operation." Just as he spoke the last words the bed jolted and started to shift and we were on the way.
It took barely a minute before it stopped and Simon's grip loosed on me, but I whined and tightened my own causing him to stop.
"Oh Lachlan, I know, I know." He turned my head up to the roof and a mask was placed over my face.
"Count back from 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5..." I didn't hear him hit 4.
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"Lachlan? Can you hear me hun?" The voice was fuzzy, barely legible. I groaned in reply.
"The anaesthesia is wearing off, give him half an hour or so and he'll be opening his eyes, maybe talking, depends how he responds." Simon must have nodded, and then Vikk spoke up.
"It- it went okay?" There was a laugh, from the doctor probably.
"You haven't been filled in have you?" A pause. "It went amazingly, better than any of us could have hoped for. We managed to salvage all we could and we did some more scans, there was nothing else that we could detect."
There was a crow of relief and some sighs, happy ones.
"He's going to be okay. It'll take some adjusting, some prosthetics and things like that but he will be fine." There was some shuffling and I felt a hand curling into mine, probably Simon.
"You hear that? Everything is going to be okay."
Part 2
Lachlan's P.O.V.
"That's it... there you go, open your eyes." I groaned, feeling another squeeze of my hand.
"Wha- Mmmm." I blinked once, then twice more, the light streaming in through the window blinding me.
"Keep going, that's it Lachy." I knew it was Simon speaking to me but his voice was fuzzy and surrounded by warmth.
I didn't know much time passed before I finally managed to open my eyes, but when I did Simon was right beside me with his eyes looking right into me.
"You're back, see. I told you everything would be okay." I managed to twitch some of my fingers and it was only then that I realised what had happened.
The surgery. It was over. My legs were gone.
Simon must have felt me tense up because he leaned over me and whispered in my ear, a breathy whisper of, "I love you Lachlan, no matter what changed."
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"Is he awake?" There was a soft voice beside me, Josh I think.
"Kinda, he's opened his eyes and stuff but he hasn't said anything yet. He'll be awake properly soon though." Simon squeezed my hand again.
"He knows?" That was JJ, his voice hoarse and it sounded like he had been crying.
"Yeah, when he was awake earlier." I groaned, rolling my head and Simon cut his speech off. "Are you coming back now?"
Suddenly there was a hand in my hair and I leaned into it, almost hearing the smile that I knew Simon had on his face. He always smiled whenever I leaned into him and I knew he was doing it now, especially considering everything that had just happened.
I blinked, the light flooding my eyes and too my surprise, my eyes managed to stay open. I was still exhausted but things were slowly coming into focus around me as the light dimmed and I was finally able to see the boys surrounding my bed.
"H-Hey." I choked out a cough and turned my head, trying to see where I was. I was in the same room as before my surgery only this time the curtain was open and the sunlight was streaming in through the window giving me a glimmer of hope.
"Good to see you back Lachy." I looked right up at Simon, his ocean blue eyes filled with worry which switched to relief when he saw that I was looking at him. "Hey, hey, that's it."
His hand squeezed mine again as I coughed again, starting to move my midriff as I tried to start moving my muscles again. Once I got down to my legs I froze, finally realizing that I couldn't move my toes.
Because I didn't have toes. Oh my god. My legs are gone.
Simon realised that I must have known because he tilted my head towards him, making sure I was looking right into his eyes before he spoke.
"It's okay. I told you it would be."
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"Can you sit up for me?" Simon had one hand behind my back and was supporting me as I struggled to sit upwards, shots of pain running through me as I tried.
They had been weaning me off the pain medication for two days and I was on half that amount that I was when I first came out of surgery. The doctors had refused to let me move for those two days, only allowing the nurse to move the head of my bed up so I could eat and now they wanted me to sit on my own.
The first time I saw my legs was terrifying. It was just a few hours after I had woken up and the nurse had lifted the head of my bed for the first time. They were trying to get some food into me, but I was nauseous and didn't want to eat anything so I dropped my chin onto my chest and for the first time, I looked down.
And there were my legs. Gone.
My right leg was gone from almost the top of my thigh and my left from just above the knee, both completely bandaged and thick with the clean white strips.
I cried. I cried just as I did before the surgery, curling up in Simon's arms with Vikk on the other side of me. I was terrified, I wasn't sure what this would mean for the future especially considering I would have to learn to walk all over again with prosthetics.
"Okay, okay, that's it." I groaned in pain through gritted teeth as I laid back on one elbow, sitting up further than I had since surgery. Simon still had a hand on my back, letting me lean into him when my energy faded as I used up more than I had in days.
After 5 minutes of trying, and failing, the doctor allowed me to rest again. He told me not to be discouraged and that he hadn't expected me to sit up on my own for at least another week, so just give it time and things would turn out fine.
I was almost asleep when Vikk mentioned telling my viewers. I hadn't thought of that, at all, because of the bigger things but once he mentioned it I knew I had to do something. A short video, a clip telling everyone what had happened and that I wouldn't be back for a while.
"Hey guys." I was looking up at the camera from the bed, only showing the top half of my body so I could tell them first.
"If you can't tell right now, I'm currently in hospital and I have been for just about 5 days now." I paused, sighing. "Something's happened, and I'm not going to be back for quite a while, at least a month until I've healed and managed to regain some control over my life."
I motioned for the camera to pan down.
"Four days ago I received the worst news of my life. I was diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer, at least 3 tumors in my legs and radiation wasn't going to make a dent in them. I would have likely had a month to live if I didn't have the surgery."
"The surgery, as you can tell, amputated both of my legs. The left one above the knee and the right one from my upper thigh." I covered my face with one of my hands, thinking for a few seconds.
"If you didn't know, I'm currently in London and I will stay here for the foreseeable future. Some of the Sidemen are behind the camera right now and they helped me out before the surgery and afterwards obviously." Simon moved out from behind the camera and sat down on the bed beside me, smiling up at the camera. He spoke for me.
"He won't have any videos up for a good while at least and some of the guys in the Sidemen house will likely have less videos up than usual because we'll be looking after Lachlan." He paused. "We might do update videos to keep track of progress but don't expect anything other than that."
I nodded along to his speech. "Thank you guys so much for watching and I'll try and keep you guys updated as much as possible. Watch on my Twitter or Instagram stories, that's where I'll try and post at least once a day to make sure you know that everything's going well."
Simon nodded farewell and waved to the camera, motioning for Josh to turn the camera off and I laid back on my bed, closing my eyes. Update 1, done.
Part 3
Lachlan's P.O.V.
Days passed and nothing much changed. I was asked to sit up by the doctors at least once a day and it got easier as time passed until two weeks later when I could sit up on my own without any help from Simon or a nurse.
It was improvement, but I was still in hospital and likely wouldn't be released for another few weeks when the doctors knew that I could get around and that I had prosthetic limbs.
The doctors had said that I would probably require counselling because of the emotional and physical trauma and that ghost pains would be likely. I hadn't experienced anything yet but in the future I knew it was likely.
Physical therapy was a more pressing problem for me, especially considering that I wanted to get out of the hospital as soon as possible and back home, or my temporary home in London. I hadn't though of going back to Australia just yet and had contacted my friends back home several times, but there was no plan just yet.
The boys still came every day. Simon had yet to go home for more than a few hours at a time, recording as many videos as he could and then bringing his laptop back to the hospital to edit his videos while I either slept or read.
Vikk had been bringing me a book each day, each one from his collection of books that he loved. The Help by Kathryn Stockett, after which I watched the movie of. The Martian by Andy Weir, again after which I watched the movie of. Both were great and I preferred the The Help over The Martian.
1984 by George Orwell was a great book, post-apocalyptic nations one of my favourite subjects of books.
The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman was good too but my absolute favourite of the books Vikk gave me was All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr which was about people in Nazi occupied countries in World War 2.
Vikk sometime read them alongside me when he was there, sometimes out loud and sometimes just letting me flip the pages when he was done because he read a lot faster than me. It was comforting.
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"Lachlan, what do you think I should film next?" I shrugged, moving my gaze to Vikk.
He was sprawled on the end of my bed with a book, The Theory of Everything, open and held above his head. He had been mostly silent since he had arrived and Simon had left, allowing me the only silence that I could have during the day because the others were incredibly noisy when they were there.
He was running out of video ideas and was asking for my opinion but I had no ideas. I was exhausted because of the recovery that my body was going through and my brain pretty much wasn't working so I had no idea why he was asking me.
"We could ask your audience? We haven't done an update video today so that could be it?" I nodded and Vikk frowned. "You haven't been talking much, you okay?"
I shrugged. It was mostly my way of coping, not talking, but it was partly because I was so exhausted constantly that I didn't have the energy to speak.
"Coping?" I inclined my head to his question. "Good, ready for the video?" Another nod.
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"Hey guys, another update video for today!" Vikk was holding the camera up, sat cross-legged on the end of my bed with me in the background. The boys traded doing the videos each day, and this one was Vikk's go. "Nothing much has changed, just another day of recovery really."
He turned and pointed the camera to me, smiling. I waved to it, adjusting the pillows behind my head so I could see better and just shrugged.
"He's not really up to talking tod-" He was interrupting by me yawning. "Today, because he's so tired but I'm not really surprised."
He slipped off the bed and came to sit by my head, letting me rest it on his thigh.
"Anyway, we wanted to ask you guys for some games that you would want to see, I'm out of ideas here and neither of have anything!" He laughed, making his leg and my head shake along with him.
"If you have any ideas please comment them because I don't want to break my streak because I have no ideas." He moved the camera so it was showing both of our faces.
"We'll do another update tomorrow, I don't know who'll be doing it but hopefully, hopefully be the key word here, the doctors will give Lachlan the clear to start fitting prosthetics." I nodded, giving a little wave to the camera as a goodbye.
"See you tomorrow!"
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"Lachlan?" I hummed in reply, not bothering to lift my chin from my chest. "The doctors are checking for active cancer cells again today and then they're planning to fit you for your prosthetics cause it'll take a while for you to learn to use them."
I nodded, my eyes still on the book in front of me. This one was The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown and I was just a quarter of the way through it. It was a crime thriller and I found it interesting, but quite as interesting as some of the others.
"Come on Lachy, you can't do this forever." I glanced up at him through my lashes.
"You watch me." I mumbled, mentally rolling my eyes.
I was exasperated, exhausted and dying inside and all I wanted to do was go home and pretend that none of this ever happened. That was unlikely.
"Lachlan..." Simon's voice was firm yet full of concern for me, making me shrink in on myself. I didn't like his tone of voice and it scared me.
"...Yeah?" I kept my voice small, making sure that he knew that I wasn't comfortable. He sighed, his forehead in his hand.
"I know you're scared, I know you want to go home but it won't happened unless youtry. Please, I need you to try and things will improve." I looked up at him through my lashes, tears forming in the corners of my eyes.
"I don't know if I can try Simon, that's the point. I- I'm stuck, I've fallen down a hole and this time I don't know if I can pull myself out of it." He frowned.
"This time? You've done it before?" That was when the tears started to fall, dripping onto the book in my lap.
"There's a lot you don't know about me Simon, some things that I don't think you'll ever know. And yes, I have. Just." I moved the book off my lap to stop my tears from smudging the ink. "Things in my life haven't always been rainbows and sunshine."
I paused for a second, thinking back to the times when things had turned dark. I was only 5 when my father first turned on my mother and I hid under the desk with my sister, crying my eyes out.
I was 7 when he first brought drugs home.
9 when my sister ran away from home.
13 when he died and I was placed in foster care.
14 when I first attempted suicide.
Just thinking about it made the tears fall faster, my chin dropping onto my chest and my arms coming up to block my head. I had attempted suicide a total of three times in my life, every attempt failing because of some simple little thing.
Simon's thumb wiped the tears away from my eyes, gently lowering himself onto the bed beside me.
"I can't do it again Simon. I've done it too many times before, I can't do it again, not now. Not after everything." His hand rested underneath my chin and brought my eyes to him. I was still shaking.
"You can, I know you can. Please Lachlan, I can't loose you because of this." His chest was starting to heave, telling me that he was crying. "You need to try. I don't care that you've changed, it shouldn't affect you like this. You need to stay."
He moved himself to sit on the bed beside me, his legs dangling on the side of the bed and his hand squeezing mine.
"I don't want to loose you. I can't loose you." I kept my eyes lowered.
"I'm not sure I can keep going Simon."
Part 4
Lachlan's P.O.V.
"Alright I'm gonna need you to stay real still so I can cast this, just keep your hold on the bar and your friend and tell me if you need to sit down so I can stop." I nodded, adjusting my hold on the bar beside me.
I was being fitted for my prosthetics, finally, and was kind of standing with a bar to my left and Simon to my right to keep me up. Apparently the prosthetic fitted better if you were standing while it was moulded which made sense but it was so awkward to stand.
I had been strapped to the wall with several straps around my waist and chest to stop me falling too, but I was still struggling to stay upright. Simon was the most help as he could support more than enough of my body weight without me worrying about over balancing, which was good.
The doctor had told me that it would likely take a few hours to cast which meant a few hours of standing for me and 20 minutes in and I was exhausted. The casting lady was going as fast as physically possible because she knew that I would either collapse or fall asleep but she was only halfway done the first leg.
She was basically making a plaster cast around the stump of my leg, like the doctor did when you break and arm. She had a pile of dry strips of plaster, then she would dip them in water and then place them onto my leg, smoothing them down.
Half an hour in and Simon spoke up, realising that I was leaning on him quite heavily. I was relying on him and the straps to keep me up completely and as soon as he spoke up, casting lady reached up and undid the straps, letting me collapse to the ground.
"I told you to tell me when you're too tired to keep yourself up honey, it doesn't help me if you collapse." I nodded numbly, closing my eyes for a few seconds.
"Hey, woah, woah, don't fall asleep on me Lachy." Simon gently shook my shoulder and I looked up, glaring at him. I just wanted to sleep, not cast the prosthetic.
"You know what, let's see if I can do this lying down. It won't be perfect but if you can't stand it's our best option at this point." She paused, motioning to the bed beside us. "You'll be able to sleep too if you really want."
It took a few minutes for my energy to come back enough that I could tolerate being shifted back onto the bed and when I was shifted it was so much nicer. It took literally 30 seconds before I was asleep and I didn't wake even when they rolled me over to continue casting.
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Trying the prosthetics on for the first time was something of a dream. For the first time in weeks I could stand on my own, there was no pain and even though I couldn't do it without support, I could walk.
All of the Sidemen were there when I took my first steps, Tobi quietly filming it in the background as the daily update. We tried to do at least a minute long video on my Twitter and Instagram each day just so my audience knew what was happening but most of the time it was just me sleeping.
Simon was the one that held me up as I took my first steps, shaky, unsteady steps but steps all the same.
I didn't realise that I was walking differently until Vikk pointed it out, nodding to the fact that to walk I had to push my feet out to the side. That was because I didn't have any knee joints and couldn't walk 'normally' so I had to push my hips out and wobble from side to side.
"There we go! That's it- woah!" I mistepped and Simon caught my hand, bringing me close to his chest so that I could reorient myself.
I was scared. I didn't want to lie, but I was terrified. I couldn't walk on my own and I didn't know how it would affect my future. I knew that my job, YouTube, didn't exactly involve walking or anything, actually being a gaming YouTuber probably required the least walking of any job, but still.
"Lachlan?" I glanced up, startled, realising that I must have drifted off. "You're doing it, see. You're walking."
He smiled softly at me, letting me lean most of my weight on him. The prosthetics weren't uncomfortable but they were strange and I didn't know if I liked them just yet.
"Yeah! Go Lachlan!" I smiled, turning red at the praise from the boys behind me. Tobi had stopped filming, happy to keep the moment just for the group.
Simon kept his hold on my hands and let me hide my face in his neck, blocking my face from the others view. He whispered gently into my ear.
"You're doing good Lachy." His comment made my face flush even more red, my nose coming to rest on my shoulder. I thought for a few seconds before speaking.
"Thank you Simon. For everything." He smiled, tucking his hand underneath my chin and pulling it up so I was looking right at him.
"I just wanted to see you stay. Don't thank me."
And with one of my hands on his hip, one on his chest and one of his hands under my chin and the other holding me up, he leaned in and kissed me.
It was slow and gentle, loving and passionate and when he pulled back I just rested my forehead against his with a silly grin on my face. He glanced up at me through his lashes shyly, face flushed a deep red and the same stupid grin on his face as me.
"Get some!" If possible I went even more red as JJ and the others cheered behind us, Simon squeezing my hands tightly.
We kept our forehead pressed together and I smiled small at him, letting him know that it was okay.
And we just stood there, smiling, as we just basked in each others warmth and in the fact that things were going to be okay. That everything could go back to normal eventually, apart from the fact that Simon, once just a friend, was now closer than that.
But I would be happy to call him my boyfriend one day, if not while I was focusing on recovery.
"Hey Lachlan?"
"Hmmm?" I looked up, breaking apart the hold we had on each other.
"How do you feel about moving to London?"