Katniss:
Listening to the rain has always calmed my nerves when I'm stressed and makes me feel relaxed. Especially with Peeta sat opposite me, I can never do anything but think at times like this. It's been about a while since I admitted my feelings towards him, and I haven't let him leave me since. He hasn't left voluntarily either, so maybe he wants to be here as much as I do.
We haven't worked out a living arrangement yet, but I've just assumed that Peeta would live here. He spend most of his time here anyway, it wouldn't make a difference to him. To tell the truth, I haven't really been listening to the rain, I've been studying Peeta's features and just thinking about how much we've been through. Two Hunger Games, a victory tour, a war, me being the mockingjay, him being almost tortured to death, our families leaving, yet here we are. You can tell we've been places, since Peeta's physical and mental health has taken a toll after the flashback and mine in general.
I'm doing okay myself, but Peeta looks like he's been to the Capitol all over again. I have to remind him to eat, he can't be alone at night and I always reassure him that I'm real and not going anywhere. His nightmares have all come back to haunt him.
He feels so embarrassed that he finally broke down, and it's been eating away at him ever since. It's not that he's turned like he was when he was hijacked, but his self esteem and depression get the best of him. He insists he's fine, but I know all too well Peeta's lying skills aren't the best.
A kind soul with demons he never deserved.
I've never been the stronger one out of the two of us so this is all new to me, looking after him like he looked after me when I have nightmares.
I've been trying my best to take care of Peeta, but I really don't know how. We play real or not real quite a bit, I like to stroke his hair when he lies on my lap if he gets too tense, I've been considering taking him to the woods but I don't have a reason. I suppose I could just get art supplies?
I need to distract him so I can go into town and get something, I haven't been to town in about a year, but I'll suck up the anxiety I haven't got time for.
"Peeta? I'm going to out into the woods for a while, Greasy Sae is running low on game and I need some air." I say, I'm such a bad liar.
"Sure that's fine, do you want me to tag along? I'm no hunting partner but I'm better than nothing." Peeta replies and smiles back. His eyes crease and I can tell he's drained.
"No thanks, I can manage. I'll be back in an hour or two." I reply, harsher than I intended, getting up to get my boots. My ankle hasn't fully healed yet so I still walk funny, but I don't need crutches.
Peeta tries to hide his disappointment, but it doesn't work. I want him to come with me so badly because he could use the air, but he probably wouldn't make it to the woods without collapsing.
"Oh, okay. I'll miss you, though. I'm going to catch up on sleep, I was awake all night so I just played with your hair. That's not as creepy as it sounds, if it did sound creepy, I promise it's not" He groans, rubbing his eyes. That's why my hair was in two braid this morning.
He's not been sleeping an awful lot recently, should I be worried? The answer is probably yes, and I am. Selfishly, I've never had the caring instinct to upon it. I could never cope if I had children.
"Cheesy, but I'll miss you too." I laugh nervously, I'm not good at goodbyes, "I'll be back so soon you won't realise I'm gone." I reassure, slinging my sheath over my shoulder.
"No kiss goodbye? We're in love now, so you can kiss me anytime you feel like it." Peeta retorts. The reference to what he said in the first games reminds me so much of our fake relationship it makes me giggle. Fake, my ass.
"Don't be stupid, I'm not going to just leave you." I mumble before Peeta stands up and leans his lips onto mine. A quick goodbye. The kiss is short and sweet, but his scent of baked goods and honey is enough to put me in a daze.
I'll never get used to him saying he loves me and him kissing me. The hunger in my body always makes sure of that.
"I love you. See you later." Peeta says before he goes upstairs and leaves for me to lock the door behind me. Is it corny to say I miss him already? Most definitely.
"I love you, too." I whisper knowing that he can't hear me.
***
I didn't think of how bitter it would be even when I'm wearing a jumper and a jacket. Despite the cold, the town is so much more busy than I remember. People are selling their produce on stalls, friends meeting friends, people come to pay their respects to the war memorial that was built in the middle of the Square. One that has my face planted right in the middle.
I've already had at least eight people ask me petty questions.
"Katniss! It's really you?"
"How are you?I can't believe its you!"
"I heard about Prim, I'm so sorry!"
Fake sympathy is the worst, and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm here for Peeta otherwise I'd be out of here before you can say "how's Prim?". I still can't decide what I want to get him. The best idea I've come up with is a new pack of flour.
That's when I pass the new stands right next to the memorial and I think of the perfect thing. A memorial book! I can write everything I remember about who passed and Peeta could do the drawings. It would be like when we drew all the herbs in the book for my Mother. Peeta would appreciate that.
I pay for the antique looking, gold book and cling it to my chest. It feels nostalgic already, like I'm going to turn the page and all the people will be there.
Thinking about the dead makes me drift over to the memorial. It's a huge marbled pillar with the names of all the people in 12 who were lost engraved into it, including my sister. Pictures of mine and Peeta's faces along with a few other soldiers from 12 surround the top, too.
I can't see Prim's name though, so I move around to the other side of the structure to see someone who I never thought I'd see again putting down a bouquet of multicoloured roses right next to her name. Someone who makes me forget to breathe.
It's Gale.
I can't do anything but stare at him. What's he doing here? He doesn't have the right. I want to run ups to him and hit the roses out of his hands. But I don't have the emotional energy. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Gale, but I can never see past the bomb that took her away from me.
I walk up to him and stand behind where he's knelt down.
"Gale." I say coldly, startling him from behind.
"Katniss! I- I didn't recognise you." Gale replies, clearly surprised by me.
"Well life hasn't exactly been all sunshine and rainbows for me." I know this'll make him feel guilty, and a pang of regret hits me quickly, but I dismiss it when I remember that he didn't bother to acknowledge her death, even with the power of his job.
He doesn't say anything back to me. He just stares at the floor and doesn't meet my eyes.
The fact that he doesn't have anything to say makes me snap.
"I've had to live with myself for a year since Prim died and was considering death. I've seen you on the TV, and you seem to be doing just fine. You just got up and forgot about what happened like everyone else did and you have the audacity to come to her memorial like it was nothing."
People are starting to stare at me now, they can all stare. I've lost the ability to care.
"You're acting like you've grieved for her. When you couldn't even stay long enough to say goodbye." I mumble.
I'm about to shout vile things about the roses, but I cut myself off. If I say anything else I'll break down in front of all the people here. Peeta says if you get into a heated situation, just walk away. So that's what I'm going to do.
I'm a few metres away from him and Gale grabs my shoulder.
"Katniss, wait." He begs, there's emotion in his voice, but not enough. "I'm sorry, but what else do you expect me to do? I'm not living in a world where I constantly think about what happened. That would make me weak." His eyes immediately say he didn't mean it, but the damage is already done.
My heart stings. That was a low blow, even for Gale. This proves to me that searching for the two people who met in the woods 6 years ago is pointless. He's changed, I have too. But I thought he would understand why.
"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean that." Gale stutters, but it's too late.
"That was too far. I lost everything that day. You don't seem to realise that. If you were sorry you wouldn't be flaunting your new life on television knowing full well that I was here depressed out of my mind. Not even a phone call, Gale. I went through all my letters and missed calls and not one." I hiss.
I tear myself away from his grip and run into the crowd on the route to Victors Village. I hold the book tightly to my chest and cry myself back to my house. I feel betrayed by him, because I thought he lost her, too. But apparently not in the way I thought.
Before I approach the gate, I compose myself. Not for me, but for Peeta. He doesn't need to be burdened by this. I've been through hell and I'm still here, and I won't let anybody who doesn't know what I've seen tell me I'm weak.