I study for the rest of the day and read from my literature collection before finally going to bed. I don't dream anything because I could barely sleep. Blue remained in my mind with every toss and turn in my bed. I imagined being underneath him, roaming my hands over his hot skin and hearing him breathe my name like it sparked life in him. I tried everything I could to ease the heartache of his vile words after he claimed my first kiss and how he tried to reel me back in only to hurt me again two days after; watching the history channel, studying my English notes, stretching my legs – everything that could distract me, but he's like a permanent marker on a chalkboard. Nothing helped, and I don't think anything can. He's gotten under my skin and I can't shake him. How long I can last like this before losing my mind?
And the sad part is, I bet I'm not even the first girl to fall for his charm or whatever it is he possesses that made me lose track of what I came here for. I'm sure he keeps a book of girls he hurts and rates their pain for his sick satisfaction. Couldn't he just have left me alone, found some other girl to play a pawn in his twisted game? A few weeks ago ballet was the only thing on my mind, and now I can barely get any sleep because he's all I can think about. I don't like him or want anything from him. I just want him out of my head.
* * *
The next day flies by smoothly. I walk out of my last class for the day, prepared to catch up on some sleep he unrightfully stole from me, but Riley has other plans. Even though I am exhausted and mostly over the prick that is Blue Montgomery (I can say his name if I want to, he has no power over me), I agree to go to Central Park along with some of her friends and Finn, of course, to study and just hang out. I'm surprised by how social I've been since coming to college. I barely ever left my house when I was in high school unless I was going to a dance performance or rehearsal. Other than that, I was a total hermit and outcast in my class.
The park isn't packed like it has been in the earlier week since the weather is steadily dropping. In any other world I would have voted to study at another place preferably warmer, but I can't turn down the gorgeous view that is Central Park. Trees are beginning to transform into bright yellows and vibrant reds and deep reds. The skating rink is even close to being open. I can't wait to get out on the ice and check off another task on my New York to-do list.
Slightly shivering, I rub my gloved hands together as I sit down on the luscious green grass. Finn falls to the ground next to me and gently taps the white pom-pom on the top of my pink beanie.
"What bunny did you sacrifice for this hat?" he asks, and I gasp.
"No bunnies or any animal was hurt in the making of this hat. How dare you accuse me of something like that?" I playfully glare at him and push his shoulder. He grabs my hand and pulls me back on the ground. I screech and laugh as his fingers find their way to my neck, tickling me.
An hour or two passes by with this amount of energy. We all generally study and prepare for upcoming tests this week. I have an English quiz on the book, Jane Eyre, on Thursday while everyone else has either a Chemistry or History quiz. Riley is stressing about the latter, claiming the professor put some sort of curse on her for an unknown reason. In reality, she's more focused on texting her boyfriend, Connor, whom she texts with and giggles half of the time we've been here. I adore how head over heels she is for him, and I haven't even met him!
This. This is what I envisioned when I was just that hard-working, dedicated, and lonely ballerina in high school. Lounging around with my friends, laughing at corny jokes found on the internet, and teasing another for being so obsessed with their boyfriend. Studying under a giant Oaktree in Central Park and cracking up when one of said friends stumbles over his lanky limbs on his way over with a tray of nearby Starbucks coffee. I didn't picture having my first kiss with a guy in a band that has a lip-piercing and a track record of using and breaking girl's hearts. But with the force of being around goodhearted people cured me of him. I finally feel free.
After our first round of coffee and a glimpse of the work ahead of us, I volunteer to go back to Starbucks for another round. Finn graciously smiles at me, and we get up and walk out of the massive park. I could get lost in here and find my way out a week later. Thankfully he grew up in the East Village and knows this place like the back of his hand. As we slip through people dressed in costumes harassing people for money and shirtless guys wearing nothing but a speedo, he tells me about his childhood.
He and his sister grew up in a cracked family, his father a drunk and his mother a hopelessly in love woman. So much so that she didn't leave the man that hurt her when he thought the kids were asleep. He doesn't dwell on that part of his past too much, merely brings it up as reference before diving into the adventures he and Evie would partake in when things got too much at home. I tell him how sorry I am for him, but he smiles and waves it off. I notice the sad look in his hazel eyes, but I don't push. I know how messed up family life can be.
Hoping to lighten the situation in some odd way, I tell him about my absentee mother. He isn't relived because he isn't a sociopath, but I feel like we've bonded in a way over our screwed-up childhoods, though his was a lot more intense than not having a mother to turn to when you need one.
Speaking about our family situations brought up Family Visit Weekend. Starting this Friday, parents will be visiting their kids in the school. It's hosted by the school and there's even going to be a little party in the lounges of the dorms. My dad will be coming up and Finn's mother will be visiting. His voice is strained when he talked about his mother visiting, I guess he's still upset about staying with his abusive father. I quickly change the subject to the coffees.
"Gross. How do you drink that so casually?" Finn turns up his nose as I sip from my black-coffee. We're a few minutes away from the park and the brisk wind had the hot drink calling to me.
"This is the true way everyone should drink coffee." I tap the cup and wink. "You can never go wrong with the original."
"Yeah, unless the original tastes like grounded gravel," he scoffs.
"It's better than drinking sugary syrupy drinks like those." I nod at the tray of coffees the others order, more than half are too-sweet drinks that gives me cavities just looking at them.
"Touché." He winks, and I jokingly curtsey. He bows and almost stumbles into one of the aggressive costume people. I don't usually laugh at others expense, but I can't help it. He is the clumsiest person I've ever encountered. I laugh and laugh as he blushes bright red and glares at me. I defensively hold up my hands and we talk a bit more as we near the park.
Walking up to the group, I spot two new people under the tree. Evie and Blue. Ugh. What are they doing here; more specifically, what is he doing here? I try my hardest to maintain a cheerful smile as I sit down in front of the couple. He's leaning against a tree, and she's sat by his outstretched feet, next to Riley who is showing her a loud video on her phone. She and Riley are cracked up in laughter as the video goes on in another language. Spanish, I think.
I'm tempted to straight up ignore him and act like I'm unbothered by their intrusion, but I was raised with manners and I can't look like I'm completely affected by his mere presence. Because I'm not. He means no more to me than I do to him, he's made that clear.
So, with a wide grin and a polite wave, I say, "Hey, Blue."
His eyes find mine and his lips quirk into a smirk. "Oh! I didn't see you there, ballerina." I want to roll my eyes. Badly. "You look mighty adorable with your little hat." His tone is clearly condescending, and I want to punch him now. Forget rolling my eyes. What did my drunken self ever see in him?
He looks infuriatingly handsome; dressed in a white t-shirt that fits him too well with a dark brown leather jacket he often wears, and his wavy hair is pushed against his forehead. But I would never admit how good he looks out loud. No one but Riley knows about the kiss, and I don't want everyone finding out how pathetic I am for falling for him while I was vulnerable.
"You really do look cute, Lily. The pink brings out your eyes, which I am madly jealous of. Aren't you, Riley?" Evie compliments me and nudges our friend. Her words sound light and genuine, but something snaps across her eyes and shows how she actually feels.
"Thank you..." I begin to say and smile at her, until I notice her pushing her dark hair over her shoulder, exposing a small bruise on her fair neck.
Noticing my hesitance, Finn looks over at his little sister and his eyes go wide. "Evie, what the fuck?"
"What, Finn? Not everyone is a celibate like you." Evie rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.
Finn's cheeks grow pink and he snaps, "I am not celibate. I just don't have guys sucking on my neck like a freaking horny school girl."
"I wouldn't judge you if you did, though," she jokes, and he flushes a brighter red.
Riley can't stop laughing as the two go off into a sibling banter until they are both red in the face. Me, on the other hand? I stare at the grass and pluck the blades between my fingers, trying to calm the raging wave of mixed emotions crashing in my head. This is good and bad. Good because this means Blue has moved onto another girl to sink his venomous teeth into; I don't have to deal with his complicated-self anymore. But bad because... because of this freaking aching inside of my chest.
"I care because you are my little sister," Finn snaps and I snap back to the present. He is glaring at his sister and barely holding onto his patience, it seems. "Is he the same guy from the party on Friday? You know, the one you were straddling, making out with in the staircase? Which, by the way, I would have beat his ass to next month if you hadn't been quick to shoo me away."
What? The party? On Friday? When we...
My eyes snap to Blue for confirmation. His head is tilted down but at the mention of the party, he raises his head to lean against the tree behind him. I stare at him for what feels like forever, waiting for his reaction, and when I get one, I can feel something break inside of me. His lips tug up into a smirk with a shrug of his shoulders.
You have to be kidding me.
"Lily! Where are you going?" I hear Riley call out behind me.
What does she mean? I look down at my moving feet. I'm walking away from the group, and I didn't even realize it. Stunned and frightened by my sudden actions, I stop walking and look back at her. She looks worried and begins to stand up, but stops when I hold up my hand and tell her, "I'm going to get some more coffee. I'll be back soon." I think I smile at her to assure her, but I can barely register anything that's happening.
How did I not see this coming? How did I not think that I wasn't the only girl on his list that night? Of course he would kiss the one girl that seems to have it out for me right after taking my first kiss away from me. Or it could have been before. It doesn't matter when. The main thing is, he took something I held precious to me away just for the fun of it. Like it meant nothing, like I was freaking nothing in his eyes. But what he doesn't know is that I was saving for that special moment for someone who means the world to me, not some spiteful, rude guy who only cares about himself.
The farther I get away from him, the more it hurts. The more I hate myself for stepping outside of my room in the first place. If I had it my way, I would have bolted the door from the inside and continued on my school life without giving him the time of day. But I just had to step out of my room. I just had to let him get in my head. I just had to feel alive when his lips met mine. And I just had to feel an inkling of feelings for the boy who makes a hobby of messing with my head.
I'm crossing the lengthy bridge that connects to the south side of the park, when I hear Blue annoyedly yell out, "Wait up, would you, ballerina?" He sounds annoyed and I almost whip around to push him in the creek running beneath the bridge. The sun peeks through the bony trees surrounding this part of the park as it sets. The scenery is breathtaking, and I would appreciate it more if it weren't for this a-hole chasing after me.
I ignore him and am almost on the other side of the bridge, when he grabs my arm and yanks me backward into his chest. I yank my hand away from his and take a step back from him before he can grab me again.
"Do not touch me! What gives you the idea that you can just grab me like you're a barbarian?" I unintentionally yell at him. I am not this girl who screams in public, but this boy brings out the worst in me. I can't help myself. If I could find the sane part of me that isn't latched to him, I would turn around and run back to my group of friends and forget he even exists. But I'm glued to this bridge as he stares at me with a dark look in his eyes that makes me nervous for what he's going to say next.
"Why the hell are you screaming at me? I'm just trying to talk to you and you're losing your shit for no reason." The crazy thing is, he sounds and looks confused about my outburst. Is he really that blind that he can't see how much he affects me? How much bad he brings out in me?
"I'm screaming at you because you keep messing with me feelings!" I scream but take a deep breath when a woman and a toddler cautiously walk toward us. I brush past Blue and face the in-flow of the creek as they walk past. He turns and leans on the railing, watching me. When they've walked past, I turn to him and continue.
"You're hot and cold, Blue. One second you're a complete ass and being rude to me for no reason, then the next you're really nice to talk to. And just after we kiss, which was a big freaking mistake considering how irritating you are, you're back to being just an ass. Then I find out you made out with another girl right after or before stealing something very important to me." I run out of breath at the end and look at the dying sunlight hit the water.
"Wow. I didn't know you were one of those girls."
What? I turn to him, already exhausted from whatever mess he's about to spew next. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you having feelings for me. I knew you were inexperienced when we kissed, but I didn't know you would get attached to me." He sounds so shocked, and he turns to me, clicking his tongue inside his cheek. "I actually thought you were a smart girl, ballerina."
I gape at him, unable to form a coherent thought that isn't jumbled curse words inside of my head. He has to be the most infuriating person yet to date. And idiotic. And so freaking full of himself.
"You know, I thought I was smart too. But it seems I'm dumber than I thought, because here I am thinking I could talk to the nice part of you and have a mature conversation. Turns out there is no nice side of you. You are just a terrible person that I wish I'd never bothered my time on." I'm so enraged I can barely stand to look at him a second more. I turn away and start to walk away from him for the last time, but he grabs my hand before I can take two steps.
"You have to be the most dramatic person I know, and I have actors as friends." Amusement is clear in his shining brown eyes. His thumb gently caresses the skin across my wrist. Chills dance with every stroke. I hate the way his touch is making me immobile and hyper-aware of his chest against mine, mimicking the ups and downs of my shallow breathing.
What am I doing? Letting him manipulate me like this? Snap out of it, Lily.
"They must be phenomenal since you think they're actually your friends," I quip and rip my hand from his.
But he smiles. Genuinely smiles. Dimples and all.
My head hurts just looking at him, so I shift my eyes to the intricate design of the stone bridge.
"Why don't you just admit that you obviously like me, so I can gently let you down? We'll both – by both I mean you – move on knowing that I told you the God honest, one-hundred percent truth." His voice sounds sort of strained.
I look up at him. He's running his fingers through his hair, avoiding my gawking. I couldn't have heard him correctly. I expect him to be laughing and telling me he's joking, that he doesn't actually think he can say something like that. But he doesn't do any of that. He just pulls his large hand out of his thick hair and plays with the silver ring bands on his freakishly long fingers.
Well, it's official: I want to commit murder in Central Park.
"Like you?" I gasp and he snaps his eyes to me, his eyes hooded eyes frowning. Because of how insanely off he is and how much I actually want to shove him into the creek, I burst out laughing. His confused pout makes me laugh even harder. A young couple walking by stares at me but I don't stop until they disappear into the trees on the other side of the bridge.
"Are you, like, actually crazy?" Blue asks.
"No, but you're pushing me there," I hiss through my teeth, facing him head-on. "I do not like you, Blue. Never have, and I surely never will if you keep acting like you do now. Why the heck would I ever want to be with a guy who kisses me and some other girl in the same night?"
"Your words say you don't want me, but your tone is telling me I'm all you think about," he says.
"My tone? How desperate are you to get your next fixings from a foolish girl, to think that my tone is telling you I want you despite my words? If you can't go another second without filling some girl's head with lies, I'm sure Evie is waiting for you back there." I point behind him, but he doesn't budge.
"Why would I need to do that when I have a girl that secretly so desperately wants me to kiss her... right in front of me?" His voice drops lower and so do his eyes, to my mouth. I bite on my lower lip without thinking and his eyes shine as they connect with mine. I clear my throat and take a big step back from him. I was too close; I could smell the rich cologne radiating off his dark brown leather jacket.
"You must have depth perception problems, because I am not that girl you see." I cross my arms, and he steps closer.
His eyebrows dance playfully. "Oh, but you are that girl, ballerina."
My lips twitch into a tiny smile I regret the second I feel it coming on. Damn it! His oozing charm is giving me tunnel-vision again. It's only a matter of time before he switches moods again and makes me see bloody red instead of fluttering butterflies.
I turn away from him completely, facing the small woods we trekked through to come here on the bridge. "I do not like you, so put whatever horny tendencies you may have for me out of your mind."
He walks around me, and I roll my eyes. "What makes you so sure I want to fuck you?"
"Blue!" I feel heat rise under my cheeks at his indecent words.
He smiles, my conservative blush amusing him. "Sorry," he says, but he sure doesn't sound like he is.
I roll my eyes again, huffing out a frustrated breath. We're not getting anywhere. I'm wasting my breath until he understands that I do not have any feelings for him.
"You were right about one thing earlier," I say, and his eyes light up, but I quickly add: "About setting things straight so there isn't any confusion later on," and I think his face slightly falls, but he's back to looking like his usual annoying, smug-self seconds later, so I can't tell for sure. "I do not have any feelings for you. You are a horrible person, and I don't want anything to do with you." I want to apologize for how harsh and cold I sound, but then I look at him and remind myself this isn't any ordinary person. This is Blue Montgomery.
Oddly, he doesn't immediately respond. Just chews on his lip-ring and rakes his eyes over my face. I think I have him defeated and we'll cordially shake hands and agree to be civil whenever we bump into each other at school and walk back to our friends who are more than likely worried about us since we've been gone for an eternity, but something dark flashes across his eyes and he takes a step toward me.
"How much does it drain you?" he asks.
Huh? "What are you talking about?"
"Hiding how much you want me," he says, his voice low.
"Excuse me?" I wait for him to take it back and smirk at me, letting me know he was just playing with me and my head for the millionth time, but he doesn't. His head is slightly tilted, his eyes watching me, waiting for me. Waiting for what is beyond me. Maybe he's waiting for me to finally do what I've been wanting to do since he chased me out here: push him in the damn creek.
My eyebrows dip low as I throw my hands up, incredulous by his absurdity. "I do not want you. Where in the world would you get that I would ever want you?"
He shrugs with a pout. "Well, this makes it pretty obvious," he says and closes the space I was desperately trying to keep between our bodies. His hand glides around my waist and presses me into his chest. I try to squirm out of his firm hold on me, but he's backed me up into the stone railing behind my back. "This speaks volumes." His voice is low and gravelly.
"Let go of me, Blue," I manage to grit out without faltering. My heart is pulsing beneath my tongue, and my skin feels unsteady beneath his steel yet comforting grip.
"Do you really want me to?" He asks.
Is he hard of hearing, or just stupid?
"Yes, I do," I say and roll my eyes.
When I look up into his eyes, my heart betrays my words and takes a traitorous skip. I watch his tongue peek out of his deliciously pink lips and play with his lip-ring. "Are you..." he pauses and slides his hands underneath the soft fabric of my sweater. I hear myself gasp as goosebumps form under his chilling rings, his fingertips clutching my skin, drawing me an inch forward, if possible. "–Sure about that, ballerina?"
I'm not sure about anything anymore...
"No, I don't..." I pause. My gaze drops to his ajar mouth. His tongue wets his plump lips. The action is too sensual and makes me feel things... um... down there, so I raise my eyes to his. Big mistake. Huge mistake. I never realized how gorgeous his eyes are. They're a dark brown color you have to appreciate, because you lose more of yourself the longer you stare into them. And his inky, extensive eyelashes don't cage them, but make them more prominent. If his lips and bold lip-ring don't grab your attention, then his eyes will. And they'll hold onto you until you forget how to breathe.
His lip-ring stands up as he smiles softly. "See? You don't have to like me to love the way I make you feel. And oh..." He pauses and his eyes glance at my mouth as I anxiously chew on my lip. They're filled with amusement and something else, something... darker, when he looks back up at me. "I can make you feel a lot of things. If you'd just stop being so conservative and let your mind free, your body will do the rest. And it won't make you regret letting your mind go."
I can barely register what he's saying. All I can hear is my mind whispering, begging me to just say yes to whatever he wants, and my blood raging in my ears. I want to listen to my body that wants him to explore my skin a little more. To press his lips against mine and take me back to that night of the party.
But then I recall he made out with a girl that apparently hates me the same night, and I roughly push my hands against his chest. He stumbles back and his eyes widen, his mouth twisted in a shocked pout. Wow. I bet I'm the first girl not to crumble and be subdued under his sensual words and manipulative hands. I feel like a medal for the royal accomplishment should descend from heaven and reward me for being mindful.
"I just want to be friends," I admit before thinking of the repercussions. I look away from him and his probable smirk. He must think I am some naïve girl to think we could ever be friends and nothing more, with his need to stick his tongue down every female he sees.
I sit down and face the flow of water going south.
"Friends?" He laughs and sits beside me, going one step further and pushing his lanky legs through the wide gaps in the railing.
I look at him, scowling, and shove his shoulder. He laughs even harder. "Yes. It's either we're friends or nothing at all."
He makes up his face playfully, at least I think it's playful, I can never tell with him. "And what if I don't want to be friends with you?"
He has to be kidding.
"You're lucky I'm offering we be friends, after you practically stole my first kiss," I say, and he chuckles but doesn't look at me.
"I think of it more as sharing," he jokes, and I smile. There's barely any resistance in my body geared toward him anymore. I think my body gave up that moment in my room when we kissed, and my mind's just been stubborn and trying to steer me away from him. Well, I've mostly given up, brain. Take a break and try again.
"We should cement this friendship," he suddenly says.
I look at him. "How?" I bring my hands down to support me. I'm then aware of possible bikers passing over the bridge and them crushing my fingers, but I don't move my hands. Just stare at the water flowing through small rocks and listen to the sharp chatter of crickets.
He looks at me and smiles. "By making friendship bracelets of course." I laugh and look back at the moonlit water. I'm surprised he can be cute after exhausting himself by being an asshole after what feels like an hour ago.
"I like your laugh," he surprises me by saying. I try to detect mockery in his tone, but find nothing but sincerity and...awe? I peek a look at him in my peripheral vision to find him staring at me. But he looks away when I look at him. I smile and turn my head to the creek, but I don't miss the slight tilt of his lips as he looks ahead.
"So..." I say. "Friends?"
I almost jump out of my skin when I feel his hand cover mine, but, surprisingly... I don't move.
"Friends," he echoes.