A/N: Happy Monday everyone! :) School has started so now my schedule has changed, but I'm pretty sure I'll still be able to maintain a good updating pace. Just bear with me as I'm just getting organized :)
Song: Butterflies by Stereos
Sometimes, I can't control my emotions. So they become a hurricane of thoughts which then turn into words. These words come tumbling out of my mouth and hurtle forwards, destroying everything in their path. Often, there are people in their way.
This time, it was Zaavan Fleetwood who happened to be on their path.
That's what I always do. I end up hurting everyone I care about because I'm just so selfish. I only cared about how I felt and not how Zaavan did.
Then I said the one thing that shattered and tore that already broken boy apart.
I destroyed Zaavan.
I never meant what I said. I in absolutely no way see Zaavan as a girl. He's a boy and I believe him every time he says that. But I was hurt and I just wanted to make him understand how I felt. Though I went to far. The topic of his gender is off limits.
"Are you ready?"
I gave Zhang a weak smile.
"Nope."
"Hey, I'm here. If anyone tries anything, I will gladly kick their ass," he said firmly.
"Thanks man."
"No worries, I got you."
As we walked through the doors, I was glad to see that there was barely no one there. Although we intentionally came later today because I was nervous about what was going to happen. I'm positive that the whole school knows by now that that was me in the picture.
"Did he answer any of your calls or texts?" asked Zhang.
I shook my head. "I really messed up this time. I don't blame him, I'd hate me too if I were him."
"Don't worry. I'm sure you guys will get through this. He probably just needs some time and space."
I nodded but I knew that this time, I completely screwed up. He'd never forgive me.
I should've hid my feelings better, or at least tried harder to control them. But that was just who I am. I was like an open book with all of my feelings written clearly on my face.
But what can I say? I was scared. Scared that I liked Zaavan way more than he could ever like me. Worried that this relationship would go nowhere and we'd just fall and crash and burn. Hurt that he didn't trust me enough to talk to me when he wasn't okay when I told him everything.
But maybe he was right to do so. I mean, look where trusting me to not hurt him got us now.
This whole relationship just felt so...fragile and unstable, but it meant the world to me.
I didn't regret dating Zaavan. I guess he couldn't say the same about me though.
"Are you going to be okay?" asked Zhang, pulling me out of my thoughts. I just realized that we had already arrived at my first period class.
"Yeah, thanks."
"Text me if you need anything."
"Shoot, you're going to be late," I said as I heard the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song start to play.
"I still got one minute to get to class. See ya at lunch!" he said as he sped off, refusing to run as that'd make him look like an "eager beaver."
I took a deep breath as I entered the class. Unsurprisingly, everyone stopped talking and turned to face me. I quickly made my way to my seat and took out my binder, refusing to look at anyone.
Today was going to be a long day.
***
"Dude, did you check out that website last night?"
"Zhang, I thought we agreed not to go back on it." Okay, I know I shouldn't have even gone on it in the first place. If Zaavan wanted me to know something, he would tell me when he was ready. The worst part though, was that he did tell me most of what was on there. Now I feel bad for snooping.
"Yeah, I know," he said with a guilty look. "But everyone was talking about you so..."
"What does it say about me now?" I asked with a sigh.
"Nothing much. Only that it was you in the picture. That's it."
As we neared the cafeteria, my heart started to pound. Nervousness took hold of me as I mentally prepared myself for what was to come.
Well, here goes nothing.
"Want to sit with Trinity and the others again?" Zhang asked sarcastically.
I snorted. "Yea, I don't think he'll be asking us today." We normally sit with Zaavan and Ahmed but yesterday, because of the whole website situation, Trinity called an emergency hockey team meeting to discuss how we can take down the soccer team by taking down their captain. I spent the whole lunch period arguing with him because there was no way that I was going to let him use this as an opportunity to hurt Zaavan even more. He deserved better.
He deserved better than me.
We sat down at our now nearly empty lunch table. It was also abnormally quiet, but that might've just been because Katja was suspended.
"Hey guys!" smiled Ahmed.
"What's up?" said Zhang as they did this dorky handshake they made up.
"Have either of you seen Zaavan?" My stomach lurched at the mention of his name.
Zhang shook his head. "He's not with you?"
"No, we couldn't find him anywhere," added Dashiell. "I'm starting to get worried. We came to school together so he's got to still be here-"
"Vance!"
We all turned to face the person who interrupted Dashiell. Oh great, just what I needed.
It was Kennedy.
"Can I like, talk to you for a minute? In private?" she asked impatiently.
"Uh...sure," I said, reluctantly getting up and following her out into the hallway.
"So, what's up?" I asked nervously, knowing exactly what this was about.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded.
"Tell you what?" I tried.
"You know what!" she scoffed. "Why didn't you tell me that you're gay?"
"Because I'm not."
"Don't deny it, everyone knows that that's you in the picture!"
"I'm telling the truth, I'm not gay! I like Zaavan and yea I like boys but I still like girls. You don't understand how frustrating this is for me!" I snapped. I was just so tired of everyone thinking that this was easy on me because it wasn't. I don't hate myself for not being straight, it's just confusing dealing with these feelings I've started getting for boys when all my life I could've sworn I was straight. Not to mention I've been constantly told that homosexuality was wrong."
"Vance, I do get it, I'm bisexual, remember?" she said, her voice softening. "I went through the same thing, it's just, why didn't you tell me? We're still friends, right?"
"Of course we are. I'm sorry, I just felt so weird and different, I didn't really want to tell people or talk about it. I'm still trying to get my sexuality sorted out, I just wasn't ready to tell people yet. I'm sorry." I looked down, starting to feel guilty when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me.
"It's okay," smiled Kennedy. "Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong. You're still trying to figure things out and if not telling me helps in any way then go for it. I get it - everyone comes out at their own time and pace."
"Thanks," I said, hugging her back.
"Good. Now that that's done..."
"Ow!" I cried out in pain as she flicked my forehead.
"Zaavan. Zaavan Fleetwood is the boy you like?! Seriously, what is wrong with you?!" she cried, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me, as if trying to knock some sense into me.
"What do you hate him so much?" I asked, confused. Zaavan wasn't perfect. Nobody was. But that wasn't how I saw him. His flaws don't matter, I like him for who he is as a person and that will never change.
"I just don't like him, okay? Anyways, we'll talk later. Ashlynn wants to go to the plaza to get lunch so I gotta run, but that doesn't mean that you're off the hook. I want details," she said wagging her finger at me.
I smiled and shook my head. "Sure, see you later." And she was off.
And just like that, I was reminded of how lucky I was to have such amazing people in my life.
But life's like that. There are good people, but there's also the bad.
As I was walking back, someone grabbed onto my shoulder from behind me, throwing me onto the ground.
"Nice to see you again," smirked Lydia, who was with some guy I didn't recognize. Great, just my luck.
"What do you want from me?" I asked nervously.
"You know, I'm very disappointed," she continued, shaking her head. "The captains for two of our school's most important sports teams turned out to be fags. I guess that the season is doomed. Well, not that there's any more of the season left anyways. Guess who we won't be seeing on the team next year. You can kiss that sport's scholarship goodbye."
"Seems like that's not the only thing you've been kissing lately," smirked the guy. Seriously, who was this guy? Here he was trying to bully me yet he couldn't even think up a proper insult.
"Listen, just back off okay?"
"Or what? You'll get your bitch to go off on us? Ooh, I'm so scared! Did you enjoy giving him a blow? How do you feel now that you that he was actually a she? Not that it matters. It's repulsive either way."
I felt my face turning red. "W-we didn't do that..." I mumbled. "And Zaavan isn't a girl. Seriously, leave him alone."
"Aw, the little faggot is sticking up for his boyfriend," the boy said sarcastically.
"He's not my boyfriend and I'm not gay." I know that they didn't care but I wasn't just going to stand there and let them diss me.
"Yeah sure, and I'm Bill Nye. So you just tongue boys for fun?"
"No, I-"
"What are you then? Come on, speak up."
"I don't know!" I exclaimed, making them both jump. Why was everyone forcing me to label myself?! It felt so suffocating.
"So Fletcher, why don't we show him what we do to people like him," she smirked.
"Guys seriously, stop-"
"What the hell?" thankfully, Zhang came at just the right time.
"Yo, back the hell off!" he yelled. The fury in his voice even made me jump a little. Zhang was usually such an easy going guy who was always smiling and joking around. Pissing him off was rarer than finding a four-leafed clover.
"Or what? You'll hurt me? Oh my, I'm shaking!" Lydia said sarcastically.
"My dad's a cop," Zhang deadpanned.
"Oh so the little rat will snitch on us," the boy who I now know as Fletcher said, trying to sound indifferent. Yet the fear was evident in his voice.
"Nope. I'm just being a good citizen and reporting bullying when I see it as this would be counted as criminal harassment, uttering threats and extortion, assault and defamatory libel, which are just a few of the acts of bullying which are punishable by law here in Canada," he said nonchalantly, although knowing Zhang, he was internally very proud of his statement.
Lydia and Fletcher were shocked into silence.
"With that being said, I highly suggest you take your friend here and leave, Lydia. Seriously kid, this isn't middle school anymore, it's high school. Grow up."
Fletcher opened and closed his mouth a few times and I couldn't help but think that he reminded me so much of a fish.
"My fucking name is Fletcher and I'm on the fucking soccer team! I've been in the same change room and gym as you guys for the past couple of weeks and I'm in the same English class as Zhang!"
"Well then, we'll be on our way," said Zhang as we both quickly turned around and sped away from fuming Fletcher.
"Thanks man," I said, sighing in relief. Zhang could get on your nerves sometimes but he really was a great friend. He always had my back.
"Anytime. You were gone for so long, I just had a feeling that something was up. Oh, and by the way, I know Zaavan hates me and all, but if you see anyone giving him a hard time, let me know. I'll gladly threaten them with my dad to get them to lay off of him too," he said firmly.
"Seriously bro, thanks. Although I'm pretty sure I'm at the bottom of his list now so don't worry, he doesn't hate you the most."
"Sweet! But seriously, I'm sure you guys will work it out, you two are practically invincible."
Though for some reason, I wasn't so sure. It felt like I was going to lose him this time for good. I don't know why but lately, I've been unsure of a lot of things. Like where in the world was Zaavan all day?
***
Most people dream of walking into a room and having everyone's eyes on them. Even I have imagined having such an effect on people. Just, not like this.
When I walked into the change room after school, everyone once again instantly stopped what they were doing and turned my way. A couple of guys even dove to frantically cover themselves up.
Then, as if a switch had been flipped, everyone quickly turned away and returned to whatever they were doing. But the air was still thick with tension.
It was really awkward and for some reason, I was more self-conscious today. I just didn't feel comfortable changing out in the open. Not when things felt so...weird with the team.
So I waited for the change room to clear out. Bad idea.
"Aw, looks like the faggot was too afraid that he'd get a boner to change in front of the boys." I whipped around to find Kolton smirking at me. "You're in the wrong place. This is the boys' change room. The girls' change room, where people like you belong is next door." Wow, he actually made the effort to stay after school just to corner me?
"He probably likes this sort of stuff. He's a freaking pervert I tell you," laughed Fletcher. "That's why he's been changing with the boys."
Right, because that was the reason why. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a boy.
"Why don't you take off your clothes and put on a show for us? You're into those kinds of things, aren't you?" Kolton smirked.
"For a so called 'straight' man, you sure have an obsession with wanting to remove other guys' clothes. That seems pretty gay to me." I didn't get a chance to revel in my witty comeback as Kolton punched me straight in the gut, sending me sprawling onto the ground.
"Never. EVER. Compare. Me. To. Those. Disgusting. Pieces. Of. Shit," he said in between kicks.
I curled into a ball in a futile attempt to protect myself. Still in shock from my punch, it was the only thing that I could think of.
"Kolton! Dude, you'll kill him!" panicked Fletcher.
But he didn't stop there. He grabbed onto my collar and yanked on it, forcing me to my feet.
"Know your place, fag," he spat, throwing me once again, onto the floor.
"Let's go."
"Dude! For fucks sake, what was that?!"
"He'll be fine," snorted Kolton.
And the strange thing was that he was right. Sure it hurt like hell and I was going to be insanely sore tomorrow, the most I had probably gotten was some scrapes and bruises.
Kolton could've beaten the crap out of me. He could've done so much worse but he didn't kick as hard as he could've.
Why did Kolton hold back?
***
"Fleetwood! You're late!" barked coach Wilson. Zaavan simply stared at her with a blank expression on his face, not even flinching in the slightest.
"Sorry coach," he said in a monotone voice.
"That's 20 laps around the gym. And hurry up, your partner is waiting." Zaavan didn't even look my way as he started his laps.
He looked awful. His hair was disheveled, his eyes red and swollen with bags underneath them and he was as pale as a sheet. Though it didn't stop my heart from racing when I saw him.
"Hey," I said nervously when he and sat down on the mat beside me, having finished his laps.
"How have you been?" I asked when he didn't reply, my stomach twisting into knots.
Zaavan acted as if I wasn't even there and grabbed the paper, starting to work through the riddles we were supposed to be doing together.
Don't ask me how that's a team bonding activity.
"I was just getting worried because...you know, you haven't been answering my calls or replying to my texts, so..." Dammit, I sound like such a clingy little kid right now.
Once again, he just ignored me. I couldn't take the silent treatment anymore.
I grabbed Zaavan's shoulder and whipped him around so he was looking straight at me. "Zaavan! Come on, just please talk to me!"
"Don't touch me!" he cried with wide eyes, yanking his shoulder from my grasp as if my hand was on fire. He almost looked scared.
"I'm sorry, okay?! I've said it in every text and every voice message I've left you. You kept avoiding me so I never got the chance to say it to your face so I'm saying it now: I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I just said it because I was hurt and I wanted to make you understand how you made me feel but I went too far. I know you're a guy and I don't see you any differently. I really like you Zaavan and you're my best friend. I miss you." Taking a deep breath, I waited patiently for some sort of reaction from Zaavan.
But he just gave me a blank look.
"Come on Zaavan, I even came out just to take some of the heat and attention off of you!" I cried, desperate at this point for forgiveness.
"That was stupid. Now they're after both of us."
"Zaavan-"
"Just leave me alone."
"What's the big deal, I said I'm sorry!"
"You want to know what the big deal is?!" he snapped. "My gender. I say I'm a boy and that's a big deal to me but nobody believes me - nobody cares. The doctor says I'm a girl and for everyone that's a HUGE deal. I've been pushed into lockers, tripped, threatened, laughed at, humiliated, had pads and tampons thrown at me and beaten up several times and that was just today. So yes, apparently it's an ENORMOUS deal to everyone."
I didn't know what to say. The pain and hurt in Zaavan's voice nearly destroyed me. He was an amazing person, he didn't deserve any of this. Why are people attacking him so much?
"So do yourself a favour, and just leave me the hell alone."
"Fleetwood! Dallas! We're feeling very chatty today, aren't we? 20 laps for the both of you, then Vance you switch partners with Zhang. Got that?" barked coach Wilson.
"Yes coach." Zaavan's face was once again, void of emotion.
The rest of the class passed by in a blur. Thankfully, Ahmed didn't force me to talk.
I was even more thankful when it was time to leave.
"Hey Vance! Wait up!" I gave Zhang a weak smile as he ran to catch up to me before I left the change room.
"A few of the guys want to meet up-" but he didn't have time to finish as a fist grabbed my collar and smashed me into the rusty lockers.
"What the hell is wrong with you?! Seriously, you disgust me!" cried Trinity. Well, he wouldn't be the first one.
"Trinity, calm down-"
"Shut up Lee! Now explain yourself, Dallas."
"Look, it doesn't even matter. It's not like we're dating or anything, we just kissed." It nearly killed me to say that but it was true. Zaavan and I were over.
"YOU WHAT?! You guys kissed!? Oh man, I think I'm going to be sick. This is so wrong."
"Wow, dramatic much," mumbled Zhang.
"What's wrong with you? There are hundreds of guys in this school yet you have to pick one that's on the soccer team? For Pete's sake, the soccer team! You're a traitor, that's what you are. Can y'all believe this guy?!"
It took a moment for his words to click but when they did, I simply rolled my eyes and shoved him aside.
"Seriously Trinity, what are you, five? Nobody cares about this stupid rivalry, just get over it!" I said shaking my head.
"Everyone does!"
"Okay, let's take a vote," announced Zhang. "Yo! Everyone listen up! Everyone who thinks that for some reason, this rivalry is important, raise your hand." Trinity, Fletcher and a couple of his friends raised their hands.
"And all of those who think that this pointless rivalry is stupid and a waste of their time because they have better things to do than focus on a petty fight, raise your hand."
"Great, now we can all move on with our lives," said Ahmed as him, Zhang, me and the rest of the people in the change room raised their hands.
Trinity just stood there, shocked as he kept opening and closing his mouth, incapable of forming coherent sentences.
"Well, that's that. Finally," said Zhang, as everyone resumed whatever they were up to. "Right, so a couple of the guys want to meet up at Dashiell's, you in?"
I shook my head. "Not in the mood, sorry." Zhang gave me a sympathetic look.
"It's cool. If you change your mind, let me know." I nodded and sped off so that I didn't have to listen to one of Zhang's "motivational speeches" about how it'll all be okay and everything will work out.
Because it won't. I've lost my chance with Zaavan and now I don't think that there is anything that I could say or do to make things right again. Just the thought brought tears to my eyes. I've lost the best thing that had ever happened to me.
My relationship with Zaavan.
All I could do now was go home.
Home, where she was waiting for me.