When Amity walked into the choir room, with Alex by her side, her ears automatically buzzed with the usual New Directions rumble that filled the room anytime anyone shared what was considered "big news."
"What's going on?" Alex asked John as they did their usual 'bro' shake. He felt as though he had shouted his question, but John still didn't hear him, so he just shook his head and took a seat next to Amity. In. The. Front. Row.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Joe said, calming everyone down. "The rumors are true. The dance will in fact be this Friday and it is a Decades Dance."
The room errupted again, this time with the girls being excited and the guys groaning and complaining. "Why are you doing this to us?" asked Rory. "Regular dances are painful enough. Now we have to wear costumes?"
"Yeah, we're lazy," said Jake. "We don't want to have to think hard about this. Or think at all."
"Exactly," Joe agreed. "Which is why John suggested the theme!"
"You did, babe?" Kitty said, turning to John with a smile. John nodded nonchalantly and stood up.
"Yeah," said John. "Umm, so here's the thing guys. I don't think there's anyone lazier than me in the room. Possibly in the planet. So I thought, well, what's a theme that will allow me to just show up in whatever I'm wearing when I forget that there's a dance and Kitty's texting... Oh, I mean, whoever I ask... is texting me and bugging me because I'm not there so I have to dash over to the school last minute? Easy answer. A decade's dance. Think about it. For those of you who want to go all out, Unique, Bree, umm... Ryder... You can choose something flashy like the 20s. If you want to wear things you already own and look like you dressed in the dark... Julie... Then you can just go with something like the 80s. And if you're the laziest person here, aka me, then there's the 90s. So that's the idea behind this dance."
"Do we have to do that thing from last year where we sing to whoever we're asking?" asked Sugar.
"Do our dates have to match decades with us?" asked Shana.
"Why do you assume you're the laziest in here?" Jake asked. John glanced at him.
"It's not an assumption," he told him. "There is no doubt in my mind that I am the laziest person here."
Jake stood up defiantly. "I don't think so," he said.
"Are they really fighting over who's lazier..?" Shana said, confused but also entertained.
"What's going on?" asked Will as he walked in, late as usual.
"Boys fighting," said Bree, seeming incredibly bored as she summed up the current situation.
Will chuckled. "Fantastic," he said.
"How is that fantastic?" Joe asked.
"We can have our first ever male diva-off," said Will, grinning as he indicated for Jake to join John up front. Joe took his usual seat in the back row and Jake headed to the front.
"Can we call it like... a dude-off... or something though?" said Jake.
"That's not any better," John muttered.
"Alright," said Will, ignoring them. "So what's the argument? A solo? A girl? Sports?"
"They each think he is the laziest person in the room," Marley told him.
"Ok, then--" said Will, stopping mid-sentence. "Really?" Everyone nodded and John shrugged as Jake rolled his eyes.
"Mr. Schue," Jake said. "You've known me for a really long time. I'm sure you can settle this once and for all, tell everyone I'm lazier, and that way we won't have to sing a song."
"Scared you'll lose, Puckerman?" John asked.
"No," Jake responded. "I'm just too lazy."
"Ooooh..." some of the kids egged them on, as if he'd just fouled him in the middle of a sports game.
Will smiled and said, "Alright, guys. Pick your poison. What song do you want to do and do you want to do it separate or together?"
"Together," said Jake. "I think separate would just take too long and be a waste of time."
"Wasting time is what I do best," John said with a shrug. "But fine. Since you chose that, I think I can choose the song. And I know just the one." He grabbed his guitar and started strumming, making everyone smile at his 'creativity.'
John: Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just wanna lay in my bed. Don't feel like pickin' up my phone so leave the message at the tone. 'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything...
He turned to Jake with a smug look on his face and removed his guitar as they were joined by the band. Jake rolled his eyes once more, slumping down on the nearest chair, next to Shana and sighing before joining in.
Jake: Uh! I'm gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan.
As he sang this, he kicked his feet onto the top of the empty chair in front of him.
Jake: Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants. Nobody's gonna tell me I can't.
Jake put his hands into his pants for a brief moment, making Unique cringe her nose in disgust and Shana laugh. He sat up, kneeling forward as he sang to the rest of them.
Jake: I'll be lounging on the couch, just chillin' in my snuggie.
He stood up and started dancing lazily.
Jake: Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie. 'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man
John put his hands into his pockets and stood in place, unimpressed. Jake danced over to him and got really in his face, already feeling like he'd won.
Jake: Oh, yes I said it. I said it. I said it 'cause I can!
John joined Jake for the chorus, during which the two shot dirty looks at each other while they sang. Will sat at his mini-desk and watched, enjoying the performance but also remembering that Jake had the tendency to start fights during these type of things.
As the second verse started, John went over to take his seat between Kitty and Julie.
John: Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90x
He acted as though he was turning to Kitty but he instead turned to Julie, watching as Jake crossed his arms.
John: Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex. And she's gonna scream out: This is great!
John nudged Julie, who rolled her eyes and said, "Oh my god, this is great!" She shook her head as Kitty playfully punched John and made him get up. Ryder, who up until that point had been enjoying the performance, frowned at the idea of Julie being used to upset Jake.
John: I might mess around, and get my college degree. I bet my old man will be so proud of me. But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait! Haha!
Kitty rolled her eyes, thinking that the only time John would consider college was in song and finding this extremely irritating. She bobbed along and swayed with the others in the chairs as the two sang the chorus together. When it got to the bridge, it was obvious that the battle was heating up, as they only had several lines left before the song was over and someone would be declared the winner.
John: No, I ain't gonna comb my hair! 'Cause I ain' going anywhere.
John and Jake: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Jake: I'll just strut in my birthday suit. And let everything hang loose.
John and Jake: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
When they finished the song, Mr. Schue clapped for them. "Wow," he said. "That was great. First, I'd just like to say thanks to Jake because for the first time I think, ever, you didn't turn this into a fist fight. So kuddos to you."
Everyone started clapping, joking around about what a milestone that was for him.
"So I have anger issues," Jake said. "Sue me."
"Too lazy," John shrugged.
"And that," said Will, "concludes this battle. So we'll just take this to a vote, alright?"
"We're an even number," Marley pointed out.
"I won't vote," said Harmony, not wanting to push either of the boys away in case they became useful to her later. "I'm too new around here to really know anyway."
"Sounds perfect," said Will. "In that case. To the other thirteen of you... Raise your hand if you think Jake is lazier."
"I've dated them both," said Kitty to everyone. "John is definitely lazier."
"I don't see how anyone could be lazier than Jake," Marley argued as she, Unique, Amity, Ryder, Dan, and Shana raised their hands.
"All in favor for John," said Will. Kitty, Joe, Alex, Sugar, Rory and Bree raised their hands. "6 to 6. How could it be a tie?"
"Someone didn't vote," said Bree, annoyed that they were wasting their time on such a ridiculous contest.
"Julie," Harmony called her out. "You have to choose. You're the tie breaker. John... or Jake?"
Julie stared back at them nervously. "Umm..." she said, wavering. "Just based on observation. Umm... John. I think John is lazier."
She looked down at her lap as the group cheered for John and Jake returned to his seat with obvious disappointment.
"Speech, speech, speech, speech!" Kitty, Sugar, Joe, and Alex chanted.
"I..." John started, sighing. "You're all great. Thanks." He headed back to his seat.
"King of Laziness everybody," said Will with a chuckle. "Alright, onto this week's assignment. We are, as always, performing at the school dance, so we need to prepare a setlist for the night. Who thinks they would like to take a number?"