"It's bloody freezing, where is this bus?" Clarice complained as the three of us stood at the bus stop down the road from the school on Wednesday afternoon, in amongst the rest of the school crowd heading into town to buy their costumes for the dance. I shivered, checking my wristwatch.
"It should be here in three minutes," I murmured, folding my arms across my chest.
The past few days had been odd. I hadn't spoken another word to Miss Bowen, even in lessons. She hadn't asked me any questions, and so during History and English, I'd simply sit, sometimes making notes, sometimes not. Occasionally I'd notice her staring at me from down the corridor or across the room in the dining hall, but whenever she realised I'd seen her, Miss Bowen would quickly divert her gaze to the floor.
I tried to push her out of my thoughts, focussing on having a good time in town this afternoon with Megan and Clarice.
At long last, the bus turned up, and everyone packed themselves into it eagerly. When we arrived into town, Megan dragged us off the bus by our wrists, nattering excitedly about what costumes we would buy.
We first stepped into the old vintage looking store, and I felt a horrible pang of sadness elapse into the pit of my stomach as a wash of déjà vu drowned me. I tried to mask my gloom as we wandered through the isles. I came to a halt beside the rack of hats, notching the small plastic flower still sat there, seemingly untouched from where Miss Bowen and I had left it a few weeks previous. I picked it up, my fingers stroking it gently, and kept it in my hand.
"Okay," Megan sighed as I rounded the corner into the isle her and Clarice stood in the middle of. "There isn't much here, but we should go next door. I think they have a fairly big fancy dress range."
"I'll be right there," I said, and she nodded, heading out the store with Clarice as they discussed which was sexier, a red devil or a witch. How was there even a debate about that?
I made my way to a counter, setting the delicate white flower down in front of a grey-haired man.
"Just this?" He said, and I nodded. "Very pretty, love. That'll look great in your hair."
"It's actually not for me," I replied with a small smile.
"Oh," he arched his eyebrows. "Pound, please." I handed him a coin and took the flower from the countertop, thanking him with a smile. "For someone special then, is it?"
"Sort of," I shrugged. "I'm not sure if I'll even give it to her though. I think maybe everything is a little too broken to be put back together."
The man sighed, staring into my eyes with deep intent for a few long, uncomfortable moments. "Do you love this girl?" He asked, and I was taken aback by his abruptness. Since when did strangers ask such personal questions? I opened my mouth to speak, but only a small, squeaky sound came out in the place of actual words. "If you love her, sweetheart, give it a shot. My biggest regret, to this very day, is never telling the love of my life my true feelings. We lost contact, and a few years back I finally decided enough was enough. Tried to track her down but it was too late, she'd died back in 2010. Cancer, the bloody thing that got her. Heartbroken, I was. Don't miss your chance, darlin', it ain't worth the pain if you realise you've made a mistake."
"Right," I breathed. "Um, well thank you. And I'm really sorry to hear about..."
"Dianne."
"Right, about Dianne."
He smiled. "On your way now, sunshine. Don't keep your friends waiting."
I gave him one last sad smile before heading out the door, almost feeling like I wanted to lay in the middle of the street and cry. I didn't want to end up like that man, alone and heartbroken at the missed opportunity. I knew that Miss Bowen was afraid, and so was I, but maybe that's what love is. Perhaps love is all about the chances you take, and if you don't take them, maybe it's not love at all.
I placed the flower in my purse, heading into the store next door. I could already hear Megan's voice, and followed the sound to the back of the shop. They were stood in the fancy dress section, filled with an array of different costumes for Halloween season.
"Have either of you found a costume yet?"
"I have," Clarice grinned. She held up a pirate outfit, fitted with fishnet tights, a mini skirt, eye patch and white shirt. "Quite sexy, don't you think?"
"No doubt the teachers will drag you aside and tell you it's inappropriate, but go for it my devilish darling," Megan sang, and I grinned.
"What about you, Meg?"
"I think I'm going to go for the red devil. They're quite sexy, but also a bit fierce. And plus, I've got the hair to match." She tousled her strawberry hair and I giggled. "Now for you, Clarice and I think that this vampire costume is perfect. It even comes with red and white face makeup." Megan held up a black costume, including a floor length silk black cape with a bright red inside, and a long black dress with a slit that began at the mid-thigh and fell to the floor.
I nodded. It seemed good enough, and I wasn't going to bother spending anymore time on this than I needed. "Sure, why not?"
We paid for our costumes and headed to the same coffee shop that I'd visited before with Miss Bowen. The familiar twinge of melancholy flooded me as we stepped inside, but I tried my best to focus on anything but her. At times, when I was having fun with the girls or doing homework, it was easy to push her from the forefront of my mind. But in the quiet moments, where my thoughts were left to their own resources, she seemed to make me ache all over. I longed for a conversation with her, to hear her brilliant laugh or listen to her recite boring poetry and facts about history. I burned with the desire to have her beside me again, to feel her skin grazing mine. It appeared that this woman had a hold on my heart that not even I could understand. Like a drug, I was desperate for her. She consumed my every thought, and it pained me knowing there might be a chance that I'd lost her for good, when I hadn't ever really had her in the first place. Alexandra Bowen was everything I'd ever wanted—without even knowing it—and I was determined to have her, even if it killed me in the process.
Over the next two days, more of my time seemed to be spent thinking about her. I wasn't sure if she was going to be at the dance, and I wasn't sure I wanted her to be. As much as I was desperate to see her outside of class, I also knew how much it would hurt being probably ignored again.
On Friday evening, Megan, Clarice and I spent an hour and a half getting ready for the party. I painted my face white, before adding two wavy red lines from the corners of my lips down to my chin to look like blood. I curled my hair, letting it fall down my back in loose ringlets. Even my costume looked good as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. The dress alone, with the slit from the thigh to the floor, was great as it was, but with the black and red cape, it topped it all off.
"You look amazing," Clarice breathed, pulling her fishnet tights up over her knees.
At seven thirty, the devil, pirate and vampire made their way down to the dining hall. My mouth was left agape as we stepped into the transformed room. It was dark, dimly lit with pumpkins and lanterns and cobweb covered lamps. The tables had been pushed to the edges of the hall and covered in black table cloths, an array of food perched on top. At the front of the room was a DJ booth, already blasting music from the speakers. It was packed with people in different costumes, some slightly better than others, but everyone had made the effort. I found myself scanning the room before my eyes landed on the group of teachers, but Miss Bowen didn't appear to be with them. My heart sunk in my chest.
Thriller by Michael Jackson began playing and Megan squealed, dragging Clarice and I into the centre of the hall and dancing wildly. At first I cringed, but then I realised that the only person in this school whose opinion I valued wasn't here, and so I joined in dancing madly, not caring about what anyone else thought.
After the fourth song, I began to tire, and told Clarice and Megan that I'd be back after I'd gotten a drink. I headed to a table near the back of the hall, holding plastic cups of orange juice, coke and lemonade. Oh god, this is tragic, I thought to myself with a laugh, picking up a coke filled cup. I turned to face the crowd, watching as people danced carelessly, throwing their arms about in the air and laughing hysterically with their friends.
My attention was reflected to the doors at the entrance of the hall as they opened slightly, and in she walked. I knew it was her immediately, despite the mask covering her face. To anyone else, she would appear as just another student in costume, but I could recognise those gold flecked chestnut eyes and long, wavy hair anywhere. She wore a floor length lacy black dress, that hugged her upper body and flowed out at the hips. Her mask, matching her dress, was also black and lacy, and covered the portion of her face in between the top and bottom of her ears.
My heart felt like it had stopped in my chest as I watched her in awe. She noticed me almost immediately, and for a moment, she stayed rooted to the spot. A minute passed before she walked slowly towards me, and I swallowed back the nerves that tingled in my throat. As she reached me, my eyes gazed at hers through the holes in her mask. She looked stunning.
"Hey," she said quietly.
"Hey," I replied.
Her eyes flitted down my body before returning to my face. "Nice costume."
"You too."
"I sort of cheated, I just reused the same dress from last years masquerade ball..." She smiled, but there was a hint of sadness within it. I nodded quietly in response. "I don't like this."
"Me neither, this party is absolutely awful. I think I'd have a better time watching my Grandma knit me this year's Christmas sweater."
Her lips twitched into a smile before it faded once again. "I wasn't talking about the party." I raked my teeth over my bottom lip in angst, not knowing what to do or say. "I don't like not speaking to you, Evie. I don't like how this has all turned out. Maybe I'm crossing the line here, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. As a friend," she added quickly onto the end.
"Right, as a friend," I repeated quietly. "I'm sorry if I've been avoiding you. It was just too difficult to see you, to act like everything was fine. I can't just make my feelings go away."
She looked down to the ground. "I know you can't. And I know I can't either. But that doesn't mean it's not what's right."
I sipped at my coke, my eyes flittering back to the crowd with a sad smile and a sigh. "I know. Don't think I don't get it, because I do."
She nodded. "Can we just try and be friends again? I don't like things being so weird between us. I sort of feel like I've lost a limb, not having you making ridiculous comments in my ear twenty four hours a day."
"You should keep hold of your limbs," I said, smiling weakly. "They're pretty important, so I've heard."
Her lips stretched into more of a smile, this time showing a fraction of her pearly white teeth. "Yeah, I've heard that too." We stood, unspeaking, for a minute longer. By now, a slow song had come on through the speakers, and people swayed on the dance floor gently. "Do you want to dance?"
"The answer to that question would normally always be no, but seeing as you asked so nicely, I will."
She took my hand, walking me to the edge of the crowd, still near the back, but mixed in with students and a handful of teachers. My shoulders relaxed as she placed her hands on my waist, and I lifted my arms and interlaced my fingers around the back of her neck. We moved slowly with the music, our eyes not leaving one another's. The feeling of her hands on my hips beneath the cape around me sent shockwaves through my sides. I was so in love with her it hurt, and yet it felt so wonderful at the same time. How could one emotion hold such a mixture of others?
Another two or so minutes passed, and the song came to an end, followed by a round of applause from the crowd in centre of the dance floor. I unwound my arms from Miss Bowen's neck, but her hands lingered against my hips for a moment longer, before they dropped to her sides. "You should get back to your friends."
I bit the corner of my bottom lip with a nod. "Right, yeah." I turned away from her and took a step forwards but her hand reached out and grabbed my forearm.
"Evie—"
I spun back around to face her. "Yes?"
She stared into my eyes for what felt like an eternity, before letting go of my arm. "Nothing."
I remained rooted to the spot for a few moments, mentally pleading her to say what she had wanted to, but when she maintained her silence with pursed lips, I turned back around once more and walked away from her.
Finding Megan and Clarice by the buffet, I approached them, grabbing a sausage roll and taking a bite.
"Who the hell were you just slow dancing with?" Megan questioned, a wildly curious look on her face.
I shrugged, keeping my expression vacant. "I don't know, she was wearing a masquerade mask."
"And you didn't even recognise her voice?" Clarice asked.
I shook my head.
"Wow, it's just like in the films. Maybe you've got a secret admirer," she shrieked excitedly, nudging me in the ribs.
"I don't think so," I replied quietly.
At eleven thirty, the dance finished, and the teachers began herding us all back to our dorms.
I took off my red and white face makeup while Megan undressed and slid into her pyjamas.
Once my makeup was removed, I slipped off the cape, leaving myself in just the floor-length black dress, and grabbed the small plastic flower from my purse. "I'll be back in a second, I think I left something in the bathrooms earlier," I said to Megan on my way out the door.
I heard her mumble a response, but my mind was too filled with other things to bother listening. I stopped outside Miss Bowen's door, taking a deep breath before I knocked quietly. It was a few moments before it opened, and there she stood, unmasked and dressed in some sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. I smiled at the simple beauty of it.
"Evie," she breathed. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I just realised that there was something I was meant to give you. It's stupid really, you probably won't want it, but it felt wrong to just leave it..."
"What is it, Evie?" She asked, stopping me from rambling any longer.
I grabbed her hand softly, holding it out in front of her, palm facing upwards, before I delicately placed the white flower in the centre of it.
Her eyes didn't move from the flower for quite a few moments, and I chewed on the insides of my lips in angst. Maybe she thought it was stupid, or overstepping the mark. Maybe I didn't care anymore. At long last, she met my eyes, a small smile appearing at her lips.
"And so the ice queen melts," she teased, and I couldn't help but chuckle. "Since when were you thoughtful?"
"I'm always thoughtful," I replied with a coy smile. "It just takes the right person to bring it out in me."
She gave another smile that reached her eyes, with just the right touch of shyness and warmth, her small dimples appearing at the bottom of her cheeks. "Well thank you."
I nodded. "Did you enjoy the dance?"
"As far as school dances go, it was definitely one of the best I've been to."
The corner of my mouth curved upwards. "Me too." A comfortable silence oozed around us as I watched Miss Bowen stroke the flower with her thumb. I sighed. "Goodnight, Miss Bowen."
She met my eyes once again, and almost looked disappointed that I was leaving. "Goodnight, Evie," she responded quietly, and stood in the threshold of her bedroom, watching me walk down the corridor and back into mine.