"Noah, you really are an ass." I sigh as the words are once again, thrown at my face by my lovely sister. She hasn't even been back for an hour and I already feel like I need to grovel for Blaze's forgiveness. Which is the exact opposite of what I wanted Carly to convince me of. This time, my emotions are frigid and I hope it stays like that.
"Hello, Carly. Oh, I'm fine thanks and you? How's Blaze? Oh, I don't know, she hasn't spoken to me in three weeks. Why do I look like death? Because it's draining to live without her. Why did I do it? I didn't, I just told you I did so you would show up." My sarcasm catches Carly off-guard, whilst Nathan just stares at me in confusion. Carly sure enjoys keeping people in the dark. Poor guy most probably won't know she's expecting until she's in labour.
To be fair, he'd still know more than I did.
Stop being so pissy about the whole situation, we know about them now. Get over it.
Says the one who went batshit crazy when we found out.
"What? You didn't?" The high-pitched shrill snaps me out of my reverie and I shake my head at her incredulous tone. I motion my hand for them to follow me to my bedroom/office, since that's the only place I seem to find privacy anymore. Anna has been trying to wriggle herself next to me for the past week, not only annoying me, but also causing Phillip to develop a serious jealousy issue.
He should know she's only trying to help me and in her own little way, protect my heart. She always has, against Veronica, when Carly died, my father, anybody who ever tried getting close to me. She always made sure that I'm okay with everything since she knows how I can be when I am hurt. I never really knew how to express any other emotions apart from anger and indifference... That is until I met Blaze. My Little Mate made me feel things I hated to let in; she still does.
"We'll talk about this in private. I don't want anybody to panic over nothing." I sigh as my sluggish steps makes the stairs feel like a thousand mile hike. I really should stop feeling sorry for myself and be more productive, maybe I'll feel better. Not likely, though. All I need to feel better, is my Love. A gym wouldn't hurt though, it helped me a lot these past four years.
"Okay, we're in solitude and nobody will hear whatever nonsense you're about to spout." I breathe a heavy sigh and look over at my sister with dull eyes. Carly flinches and her hardened exterior desolves into a sympathetic slouch. I almost scoff at the transformation. Seconds ago, she was ready to rip my manhood off, blaming me for the current rift between Blaze and I, and now she's acting like the caring sister I need. Everybody will always choose Blaze's side though, because I'm so terrible, it couldn't possibly be anybody else's fault. I refrain from rolling my eyes at my thoughts and concentrate on Carly's concerned words.
She used to choose my side without question. She would always defend my side, even if all evidence point to the situation being my fault, especially with my father. I have always been the foreshadowed screw-up, but when Carls dissappeared, nobody could find it in themselves to blame me for once. I blamed myself though.
My father blamed me as well. That's why he ran off with my mother. I think he might have blamed himself for what happened to Carly too. Probably not though, it could've also been the shame of me beating him at a challenge for the title of Alpha. My mother, being the doting mate that she always will be, chose to leave with him. She didn't even glance back. I always wished that she didn't say good-bye because it would have been too hard and maybe she would have stayed.
The guilt gnawed at me for years and it wasn't long before I became a shadow of my former self and although the pack may have strengthened under my relentless rage, everybody was afraid of me. I'd like to think they were the way they were because of respect and loyalty, but I turned out just like my father. Nobody really wanted to converse with me unless they really have to. Aaron was the only other wolf besides Anna who really tried with me. They tried to get me to laugh or smile everyday. They even tried to get Veronica to make me fall in love with her, little did they know that was her plan from the start. Yet now, I think I might understand. Since I've found Blaze, I kept order with less fear and more respect in the pack. I want that to always be the case.
"Oh, Noah, what happened? You look like you're about to do something stupid." I glare at her, but soon decide it takes too much energy to bother. She's probably right anyway. I always did act according to my emotions more than my mind. That emotion being anger.
"I didn't do it. I haven't slept in three weeks, I'm too afraid to. I dose off for about an hour and then I start seeing Veronica, so I wake up." I look down at my hands and almost regret hitting the wall an hour ago. Almost. It made me feel good. It made me feel something. Physical pain is easier to control.
"Noah, I thought Blaze killed her." I glance up at Nathan, avoiding my sisters gaze. Her pleading eyes will make me want to do stupid things, like apologize to Blaze and tell her about Veronica. That's not on the top of my priority list right now. It's not on my agenda at all. I'll tell her once I confirm my theory.
"I thought so too. I guess not." I look at the ground and see Carly's boots approaching.
"Noah, you know it's not your fault right?" The sincerity in her tone is a feeble attempt to convince me. I scoff at the sudden change of heart.
"Carls, if I hadn't said those things to her, maybe she would have stayed, you know? I mean, I was harsh and that probably pushed her to do it." I sigh and rub my face with my hands. All of this is too complicated. I can't gather my thoughts that are spiraling into two lanes. One moment, I feel like it's all my fault and I should go beg for my mate's forgiveness, and then like a light switch, I blame her.
"That's not true and you know it. She had her mind made up way before you said those things, goddess knows why. She wouldn't have left if it wasn't her own dicision." I roll my eyes at my sisters reasoning. 'Don't you think I have thought about that?', I want to yell, but Nathan's voice cuts me off.
"Yeah, Man. You can't control any woman, especially if they have their minds set on something. She probably had the idea in her head and she found it easier to leave after hearing what you had to say." I nod my head, still not completely convinced.
"You can't blame yourself and you can't turn back time. All you can do right now, is fix this with her. She's clearly torn up over whatever is going on between you two right now." I let out a bitter laugh and mutter under my breath before glaring up at my sister.
"Believe me, she didn't seem too torn up about it when she ran off to Aiden. She didn't even glance back at me. No matter what happens, I'll always come second to him and for what? He's her best friend. I'm her mate. I'm supposed to be her best friend and he has a mate. I can't imagine how Alice must feel about all of this because I am raging." I pull my hands into my chest, trying to put the emphasis on me being her mate. I growl the words, slamming my fist into the wall next to the dent from the previous time I lost my temper.
"Nathan, could you please explain my point to him?" Carly pleads, yet the strangled muffle coming from Nathan almost seems concerning if I weren't staring at his facial expression. He looks constipated and afraid.
"I love you, you know I do, but I'm with Noah on this one. She didn't tell him about the babies. She didn't talk to him about anything regarding children that are half his. It's true that when things get tough, she either runs to Aiden or runs away." Hearing it come from an outsider, I feel less guilty about not going downstairs and begging for forgiveness. At least I know now that my rationalisation isn't too far off, I can ease up on my aggression towards myself a bit.
"She doesn't even speak to him now, practically convincing the poor guy that everything is his fault and he should grovel at her feet for her forgiveness." Nathan's rant continues and I'm surprised Carly is letting him speak. I thought she would have grabbed him by his family jewels and yanked him onto her side of the case by now.
"Baby, this isn't right. Blaze needs to see that she's at least eighty percent in the wrong here. Noah can generously take his stubborness as the other twenty. I mean, if I were to find out you were pregnant four years after you ran away from me, I'd be extremely pissed off. He took it a whole lot better than most of us would, admit it. And now, he's allowing his mate to trample all over his fragile little, frosty heart." I narrow my eyes at the reference to my heart, but since Nathan is being a loyal brother-in-law, pleading my case and defending the teensy sliver of pride that I have remaining, I let it slide.
"You're right, but that doesn't change the fact that he's being cruel about this whole Veronica thing. She has a right to know the bitch is back." My eyes widen, never really expecting my sister to cuss, but I guess being a tough cookie builds a different character.
"I know. I just don't feel like it's okay for me to pile more stress onto her as it is. I mean, like I said before, she's reacting like this without even knowing about it. Imagine the outcome if I were to mention it. 'Hey, Love. You know this ridiculous fight we have been having for the past three weeks? Yeah, the one where we obnoxiously ignored each other. Well, here's the thing. You know how you killed Veronica. Welp, turns out she still has a spark in there and now she might have seduced me, leading me to think it was you, when in actual fact, it was her. That's why you found me passed out on the bathroom floor.' And then after that goes down, you can gladly beg the Moon Goddess to make me a new mate or resurrect me." I roll my eyes at Carly, my patience wearing thin. I haven't held my mate in weeks. I need her, but I can't have her now, so they'll have to receive my jerk personality.
"What?" My heart stops and the amazing scent of honeysuckle invades my senses.
You really did it this time.
Shut it.
"What did you say about Veronica?" My eyes are the size of saucers, desperately glancing at Carly or Nathan to help me out, but they're as starstruck as I am.
"Veronica has been haunting Noah's dreams, the first time pretending to be you, but now she's more comfortable in her own skin." I glare at Nathan for blurting it all out. Remind me why he's an Alpha?
"You said that's why I found you on the floor. When you woke up you were talking about us- Oh goddess I think I'm going to be sick." Blaze's face crumples with realization and my frosty heart caves. I move to go hold her, but she swats at my chest.
"Blaze, I thought it was you. Calm down, I didn't cheat." I whisper into her ear after pinning her arms to her sides. I'm not going to lie, holding her in my arms right now is the best feeling in the world, regardless of this messed up situation.
"That doesn't change the fact that you still slept with someone else, Noah!" She shouts into my chest, clearly trying to get rid of her anger to have a rational conversation.
"Yeah, but I haven't slept properly since. Doesn't that count for something?" I look into her eyes and she slowly nods, but her eyes immediately narrow. My grip loosens and she rips away from me.
"How'd you know it was Veronica if she looked like me?" I grip the back of my neck, resisting the urge to pull her close to me again. This isn't the time for a cuddle.
"She uh- she called me Baby and you only call me Noah... And she used to call me Baby whenever we," Blaze's face remains stoic as slow tears trail down her reddened cheeks. She looks shattered.
"I hope you enjoyed it, Baby, because that's the last time you'll ever see me with you in that way." I let my arms fall to my sides as my chest deflates. Ouch.
"Blaze, come on, you know me. You know-"
"Yes, Noah. I know you and I can distinctly remember you having sex with her after finding me. So, tell me, which Noah am I speaking to? It doesn't feel like the Noah I fell in love with." Her eyes screw shut and I can almost feel the broken pieces of my shattered heart piercing my lungs as the air gets knocked out of me.
"Don't say that, Love. I love you." My voice sounds strangled as I try to keep the tears from falling. This hurts worse than getting bitten in the calve and then having to run.
"I want my Noah back. The one that found me in France." I pull my arms into my chest, forgetting all about my dignity as the tears start falling. I don't think my body will be able to handle the trauma of her leaving again. Not this time.
"I am that Noah. I am your Noah." I reach for her again, and she lets me. I pull her into my chest, relaxing as her arms wrap themselves around my waist. I can feel my chest becoming wet and I hug her tighter. She pulls her face away from my chest and looks up at me. I notice that Carly and Nathan are long gone and we're alone.
"I don't want to leave again. I want to stay with you. I want to raise Midnight and Melody with you. I want to love you, Noah. I have fallen in love with you all over again in France and I don't think I can let go this time. Just promise me you'll find a way to get rid of her." I nod my head and lean down to kiss her nose. She lifts her chin and molds her lips with mine. The electricity starts running through us faster than ever and I slowly move my hands to pull her even closer. The dreaded guilt eats at me, but I ignore it. I need to figure out why Veronica is back and if I feel the need to, I'll get rid of her.
"Goddess I've missed you." I mumble against her lips and she shushes me before planting her plump lips back onto mine, allowing my tongue to dance with hers.