Lauren bites her lip, feeling like her heart has been slammed into a brick wall millions of times, shattering her to pieces as she sees Camila smiling up at Matthew, unaware of her presence. The familiar churn in the green-eyed girl's stomach is knocking the wind out of her as she felt the agonizing heartbreak all over again.
What is she doing? Why is she here? Camila doesn't need a pothead like her! Camila has Matthew now. How foolish of her to think she might still have a chance to win the brunette back when she is now clearly happy with someone else.
How stupid can you be, Lauren? She keeps beating herself up for it as she takes a step back. She needs to get out of here fast, otherwise she might end up breaking down in front of everybody and make a bigger fool of herself. Pride is all she has left, and she needs to keep herself together to stop herself from breaking once more.
She knew it. Second chances are a bunch of bullshit. It isn't for everybody, certainly not for a pothead celebrity like her. She screwed it all up with Camila once, now she has to live with the reality that she won't get her back anymore.
Fate must've really hate Lauren because as she is about to turn around and head out the door, Camila slowly turns her head towards her direction and looks at her, shock evident in her still frail features.
"L-Lauren?" The brunette Latina choked out as her brown eyes met Lauren's green ones. All eyes are on her now, as Matthew, Sinu, Alejandro look up at her.
"I-I... I.." Lauren stutters, not finding words to say as she feels her brain failing on her, her throat constricting as she feels the overwhelming urge to cry.
She can't do this. It hurts too much to act like she isn't affected by the way Matthew's fingers intertwine Camila's and the tender look on the man's face as he looks at her. Her tears are starting to brim her eyes and despite her blurry vision, Lauren still musters a forced smile. "I-I'm glad you're okay, Camz.." The green-eyed singer manages to utter. "I-I need to go.." She says before turning around quickly and rushes out of the room as fast as she can. Lauren feels tears trickle down her cheeks one by one until she collapses onto the floor as soon as she rounds up a corner. She sinks into her knees and cradles her face into her own hands, wracking sob after sob as she finally releases all the pent up emotions inside of her.
Whether she wants to admit or not, Matthew is good for Camila, and she'll be happy with him. Lauren knows she can't fuck up her life again the way she did before.
----------------------------
Lord knows how long it's been since Lauren hid herself into the deserted parking lot of the hospital. She sitting on a curb, hiding herself from everyone by placing herself in between two parked ambulances. She had thought about walking into a bar and drink all her sorrows away but she knows she can't do that, atleast not at two o'clock in the afternoon anyway. She needs something to take the edge off, to make her forget about everything even just for a while.
The responsibilities that come with being in one of the biggest girl group of this generation on her shoulders are slowly weighing her down and lately, Lauren feels like walls are starting to close in on her, making no room for her to breathe anymore. She feels like she's living in this thing called "life" where despite the feisty no-nonsense woman she's trying to portray in public, at the same time, she's also trying to fit the mold the management and the public have set for her. She's trying to live up to their expectations which only made the bar raise higher and higher each time, leaving no room for satisfaction.
And now...now the only person who can make Lauren's very existence feel worthwhile and the only person who could give her solace from all of that distress is gone, happy in someone else's arms and Lauren doesn't know what to do from here on out.
The incessant buzzing of Lauren's phone cuts her from her thoughts. She sighs. She really can't deal with anybody right now.
She pulls her phone out of her pocket, about to turn it off completely when she sees the caller ID. She decides to accept the call and puts her phone against her ear.
"Yo, 'sup?" A deep voice reverberates from the other line, making Lauren smile a little at the caller's drawled out voice. She can already picture how high he must be right now, and to be honest, she's a little bit jealous.
"Hey Ty," she greets back softly, bringing her free hand to her face and gently pinches the bridge of her nose. She can feel an impending headache coming and there's no way she can stop it.
"Heard you stormed out of an interview," he says and Lauren fights back a sigh. One thing she loves and hates about Ty, is that he doesn't believe in small talk; when he wants to talk about something, he goes for it immediately. "That was whack, man. You coulda seriously gotten into trouble with them contracts and shit."
"I know," Lauren sighs and closes her eyes. "I didn't know what came over me." That is a lie, for she knows exactly what came over her.
"Oh, but you did," seems like Ty read her thoughts. Lauren chuckles humorlessly. Of course he knows her better than a lot of people now. With all the bullshit happening lately, only him and a few other people in their circle of friends that society calls 'potheads' continued to have her back. Despite their not-so-stellar reputation when it comes to certain things, Lauren can't deny the fact that Ty and their friends have become her rock lately.
"Look Laur," Ty says seriously when Lauren doesn't respond, "I know the thing about Camila is messed up, but you know you can't just walk out of an interview for no reason--"
"Camila is awake."
Lauren doesn't know why she just told Ty, but she's tired of everything, and she needs someone to vent to. "I walked out because I had to go to the hospital."
"Oh," he responds in a voice that makes him sound like he is on his merry way to dreamland, drawing out his 'o' sound. Fuck, how high is he? "So, how is she?"
"I wouldn't really know," Lauren shrugs and absently kicks the pebble on the pavement, watching it roll away from her, "I bolted out before we could even talk."
"What? Why? Don't tell me you chicken out?"
"No," Lauren frowns. She isn't a chicken. She's far from it--okay, maybe she is a little. "I just don't feel like I'm needed there."
"Laur--"
"Her boyfriend is there, okay!" She snaps defensively, gripping her phone tight with her one hand and cradling her forehead with her free one. She sighs afterwards. Ty didn't do anything wrong to deserve being snapped at, but she just can't bring herself to apologize. She can't bring herself to care about anything right now.
"Lemme guess, you're hiding out somewhere right now, amirite?" Ty chuckles, and Lauren sucks air in between her teeth. She doesn't need any of this shit right now.
He must've sensed her annoyance because he sobers up, "Look, Laur. I know that you think Camila doesn't need you anymore or some'n now that she has this skinny ass white boy all over her," Lauren can't help but smile at his attempt to make her feel better, "but you're Lauren fucking Jauregui, man. You don't easily back down on a battle without a fight, do you?"
Lauren exhales, "No.."
"Damn straight," Ty quips and Lauren knows he's smiling on the other end of the call. "Now get that pasty ass of yours back up and go get your girl."
Lauren is now smiling widely as she rolls her eyes, "Okay, enough with the white jokes. Fucking racist," she jokes back, chuckling softly as he laughs with her. Trust Ty to make her feel better in his own way.
"Thank you Ty," she says after their laughter dies down, gratitude filling up her chest as she feels better now that she had this talk with him.
"Hey, that's what friends are for, Jauregui," Ty says. They talk for a few more minutes before hanging up.
Lauren exhales and stares at the ground, thinking of what her best course of action will be. She can't just barge back in now after somehow making a scene earlier.
Her phone buzzes once more and she sighs after glancing at the caller ID. She reluctantly accepts the call. "Mani, I really don't need a lecture right now--"
"Lauren."
Lauren's breath hitches and her heart starts pounding hard as she hears that husky voice that always makes her stomach flutter all these years. She feels paralyzed from where she is sitting, butterflies erupting inside her chest as she clutches onto her phone tight, not able to find her voice.
"L-Lauren, are you there?" Camila asks hesitantly, weakness still evident her hoarse voice.
Lauren places a hand to her chest, willing it to stop pounding as clears her throat. "Yeah, I-I'm here," she breathes out and runs her fingers through her hair.
"Why did you leave?"
The green-eyed girl bites her lip, guilt creeping its ugly way up her chest at Camila's words. "I-I just needed some air," she lies. Only Camila can knock down all her defenses easily with only a few words.
"Please come back," Camila pleads softly, and Lauren knows that she's on the verge of crying. The thought of the brunette shedding more tears for her makes her ball her free hand into a fist. Lauren knows she has already done enough to hurt her. And as fucked up as their history was, she knows she won't make the same mistakes anymore.
She's going to fight for her girl this time, even if it's the last thing she'll ever do.
"I'm on my way," Lauren says firmly, getting up on her feet with a newfound determination. She hangs up and dusts herself off, sprinting back into the hospital. She manages to hide herself from a few paparazzis camping out at the other side of the hospital as she slows her pace and pretends to be casually talking to a doctor who just answers her questions with a weirded out expression because she literally just came out of nowhere and walked with him as if they already knew each other for a while now.
"Thanks, doc." Lauren pats the doctors shoulder and smirks as soon as they're out of the paparazzi's sight before sprinting again, reaching towards the same hallway that leads to Camila's room.
She stops as she reaches in front of the door, nerves gripping her once more as she slowly reaches for the door knob. But there's no turning back now, there's been enough running away already, and it has to stop now.
She twists the knob and slowly pushes the door open, the sound of Ally, Normani and Dinah's boisterous laugh reaching her ears as she opens the door completely.
The sight makes Lauren's eyes well up and brim with tears. Dinah and Normani are sitting at the foot of the bed, bickering while Camila and Ally laugh at their antics. It's a sight that Lauren missed all this time, and she'd give anything and do anything to have this again. To keep seeing this.
However, Ally glances in Lauren's direction and smiles, prompting the other three to turn and look at her. The green-eyed girl feels a little uncomfortable under their gaze, and she shifts on her feet.
"Well," Ally stands up and kisses Camila's forehead, whispering something to the brunette before she drags Dinah and Normani to get up from the bed, "we'll leave you two to talk."
Lauren nods faintly and steps aside, letting the three pass. She gives them a small grateful smile before tentatively closing the door on their wake, giving them complete privacy.
Lauren looks at Camila, her vision fogging up as she tries her best to fight back the tears threatening to spill. She nearly lost this woman, and hell would freeze over before she'd let her go again.
"I love you," Lauren blurts out.
Camila's eyes widen, "Laur--"
"No," Lauren interrupts, reaching the side of the bed in a few long strides, "let me finish, please."
Camila sniffles and nods at Lauren, giving her permission to finish.
"All my life, I've always hidden who I truly am. I have always been scared of what other people might say because despite my sassy no-nonsense attitude, there's this insecurity lurking inside of me making me build these walls up to protect myself. But you Camila," Lauren reaches for Camila's hand and holds it in her own, her thumb caressing the brunette's knuckles, "you broke all those walls and made your way in so easily. You made me feel like my emotions matter..that I matter."
"You were right in that song, you know," Lauren continues, her glossy green eyes not leaving Camila's brown ones. "I really was scared of my emotions. But more importantly, I was scared of how much you were starting to mean to me; I was scared of how fast and hard I was falling for you that the more I tried to fight it, the stronger these feelings for you got. That wanting more of us than secret casual hook ups would destroy our friendship. I was scared of the consequences falling in love with you would bring us. I was so scared of all that.." The green-eyed girl closes her eyes and hangs her head low, finally letting the tears drop.
"Lauren.." Camila whispers softly and weakly squeezes Lauren's hand.
"That's the reason why I pushed you away," Lauren finally admits. "The very same reason why all this Camren thing on the Internet made me fucking angry. Because in everywhere I turn, the reminder of what could've been's kept slapping me in the face when I was trying to suppress all these feelings thinking that maybe if I ignore them, I'd somehow get over you. But all it did to me was lose you." The green-eyed girl grits her teeth, feeling the hatred towards herself bubble up to the surface. "And I got so caught up in my own feelings that I didn't acknowledge yours. I was so selfish, Camz..."
"You weren't, Lauren." Camila reassures softly, looking up at Lauren through unshed tears.
"I was," Lauren argues as she sniffles, looking right into Camila's eyes. "And that selfishness made me lose the girl I love. Made me lose you," she sniffles, her heart breaking in two. She doesn't know where all of this came from, all she knows is that the need to let all this out is so palpable, she knows that even when she's just taking a shot in the dark, at the end of the day, she won't have any regrets laying all her cards out knowing that she'd done her best to convey her feelings towards Camila.
"You didn't lose me, Lauren.." Camila whispers and smiles up at Lauren. "You never did."
"What?" Lauren looks up at Camila and frowns. "But Matthew is your--"
Camila gives Lauren a pointed look. "I'm gay Lauren, you know that."
"But--oh," Lauren nods dumbly, heat slowly creeping up her cheeks. "PR, huh?"
"Mm," Camila hums in response, nodding before she stops with a small yawn. "You should get some sleep, Camz. You need all the rest you can get," Lauren suggests and sits on the bed, careful not to lean on the tubes and wires still connected to the still frail Latina lying on the bed.
"No," the brunette shakes her head stubbornly and blinks slowly, her eyelids slowly closing but she continues to fight it. "We still need to talk.."
Lauren chuckles softly and shakes her head at how stubborn Camila can be. "Don't worry, Camz," she says. "I'll be here when you wake up."
"You promise..?"
Lauren smiles, "I promise." And she's going to keep it this time.
She leans in and kisses Camila's forehead. God, she longed to do that for a long time.
Camila closes her eyes at the gesture and smiles. "Oh and Lauren?" She says sleepily. Lauren just hums, waiting for the brunette to continue.
Camila slowly succumbs into sleep, and just when Lauren thinks the brunette forgot what she was about to say and finally fell asleep, she heard her whisper, "I love you too.."
AN: Don't forget to vote and comment! --Marlou