The future is rushing towards them too fast to comprehend, and the past is fading away behind them too fast to hold on to.
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It's raining outside when Kihyun pushes open the door to the rooftop of the dorm, pulling Hoseok along by the hand out onto the concrete, their footsteps rushed but gentle and quiet.
It's not raining particularly hard, it's more of a slight drizzle, a flurry of light, tiny droplets, enough moisture in the air to cool down the hot summer night, but not enough to deter them from coming up here, one of the only places in the world, well, in their world as idols, where they can truly be alone.
The night sky is cloudy and obscures the stars, both because of the stormy weather and the city's light pollution, but they can still see the crescent moon shining down on them, the usually bustling streets of Seoul quiet at such an early hour in the morning, the sound of the door slamming closed behind them echoing in the silence. It's so quiet now, as Kihyun leads him across the rooftop to the wall on the other side, that Hoseok can hear his own heartbeat pounding in his head and his blood rushing hot and fast in his ears.
They had just finished the last concert of their world tour a few hours ago, and are at something of a standstill, that particular chapter of their lives closing and a brand new one about to open. And it had been a bittersweet, emotional night for all of them, when they were up on stage talking about it to thousands of their fans, when they were performing their final songs in tears, when the concert ended and they celebrated backstage, and even now, when they're back in the comfort and safety of the dorm, the flurry and the fanfare left behind like a distant, hazy dream. There's still a lot left for them to reflect on, to come to terms with, and yet, here they are on the rooftop, the same as always, like nothing has changed.
But of course, things are very different from the last time they came up here. The future is always unfurling in front of them, expanding out with every passing second as the past fades behind them, and nothing is ever certain, no matter how much they'd like it to be.
And so Hoseok hadn't resisted when Kihyun approached him in the dorm kitchen in the middle of the night, both of them unable to sleep, both of them still in the clothes that they had been wearing when they left the concert venue, unable to end the evening and go to bed with all of these mixed feelings still churning around inside them. Kihyun had given him this certain look, their silent communication effortless from knowing each other for so many years now, and then grabbed his hand without a word, leading him out of the dorm, out into the stairwell, and then up onto the rooftop where they are now, his hand soft but firm in Hoseok's, grasping tightly, though there's no way in hell that Hoseok would ever let go.
Up on stage, Hoseok had talked about their future as a group, and Hoseok knows that just like him, Kihyun is always thinking about the future, about the relentless passage of time, about their lives as idols and their lives together, where it all might be leading. Being an idol means thinking about all of this at the same time, and thinking about all of this at all times, and sometimes, they both just need a moment to stop and breathe.
That's what this is, that's exactly what this is.
And Hoseok does just that, breathes out effortlessly, a rush of emotions coursing through him as Kihyun is suddenly letting go of his hand, turning around, and pushing him up against the wall, immediately reaching for his face with both hands and kissing him deeply, all in one, unbroken sequence of motion, their eyes slipping closed at the same time as they move together, like always, in perfect synchronization. And it's effortless, too, when Hoseok's arms wrap around Kihyun's waist to pull him in closer, to return the kiss with the same depth of passion and feeling.
They kiss, and kiss, and kiss, and kiss, and with each kiss, Kihyun pushes a little harder, a little deeper, his beautiful, soft moans into Hoseok's mouth a little louder, and with each kiss, Hoseok pulls him in a little closer, grips the back of his shirt a little rougher and squeezes his delicate body a little tighter. And Hoseok is letting Kihyun take charge this time, lead the way of this particular moment, because there is so much more to this than letting off a little steam as they usually would, Hoseok knows. This is different. Kihyun has something he wants to say to him, with all of this.
And so Hoseok loosens his strong hold on Kihyun and tilts his head back against the wall to give Kihyun easy access as Kihyun starts kissing along his jawline and slowly moving down to mouth at his throat, his hands moving down to rest on Hoseok's chest, his fingers curling as he sucks Hoseok's pale skin into his mouth. And Hoseok's eyes flutter, a deep groan rippling through him when he feels Kihyun biting into his skin, marking his throat as he had already marked so many other places on Hoseok's body.
And Hoseok lets Kihyun go, lets Kihyun slip down his torso as Kihyun goes lower and lower to kneel down in front of him, soon resting on his knees and pushing up Hoseok's shirt to reveal Hoseok's bare stomach, his bare abs, already marked with purple bruises from the previous night, when they had rolled around in Hoseok's bed at the early hours of dawn. They had ended up both fully naked, with Kihyun lying face down on top of Hoseok, but with Kihyun upside down, his mouth at Hoseok's navel and his ass right in front of Hoseok's face. And Hoseok had given Kihyun the rimjob of his life, Kihyun biting down into the skin right by Hoseok's belly button as Hoseok had spread Kihyun's cheeks apart, sucking at his entrance, licking over the hot, wet skin until Kihyun cried. And the feeling of Kihyun losing himself when he was finally penetrated by Hoseok's tongue, shivering and quivering down to his fingertips and toes, had been enough for Hoseok to follow right after.
But while that had been pure stress relief, a way to settle their nerves and loosen up before their final concert, this is something else entirely. Last night had been fun, had been naughty and wild, had been one of many restless nights in which they sought out comfort in each other's bodies.
This, on the other hand, this is nothing short of desperate. Frantic.
And Kihyun is never like this, and Hoseok doesn't quite know what to make of it.
Kihyun pauses his movements, his hands slightly trembling, and when he looks up into Hoseok's eyes, his own eyes are wide and wet and shaking, and he's like a living doll, his eyebrows furrowed and his full lips parted slightly and his cheeks pink under the pale light of the moon. Hoseok looks down at him, and a shiver passes through him at the intensity of it all, of Kihyun's gaze. Kihyun looks so vulnerable, completely open, all of his carefully-built emotional walls crumbled and heart and soul exposed to Hoseok and Hoseok only, nothing standing between them except for the tiny bit of space, and Hoseok is overcome with fondness and affection for his closest bandmate, his most important friend.
His lover.
They've always been afraid to call each other that, have avoided putting any definite labels on their relationship for fear of it being discovered, for fear of it being destroyed, for fear of having to stop, when stopping would kill them both, break them irrevocably inside.
But now, Hoseok realizes, it doesn't matter whether they admit it or not, whether they'll ever be brave enough to give a name to their relationship. It's what they are, regardless of what they decide to call it. It's what Kihyun means to him, and what he means to Kihyun in return. That's what's important, and that's why they're here. And it's why, at times like this, when the emotions are too strong, too complex to be properly decoded, they seek each other out in this desperate kind of way, when kisses and touches and physical connection say everything that their words never could.
He brings one hand to Kihyun's shoulder to steady him, a strong hand for comfort and support, and the other moves to tangle in Kihyun's hair. Kihyun just stares at him, so breathtaking, as Hoseok rubs his thumb over Kihyun's temple slowly, until all of the stress and tension leave Kihyun's face, until Kihyun is sighing beautifully, blinking, and breaking their intense eye contact, moving in closer to Hoseok's stomach. Kihyun then starts kissing the exposed skin there absentmindedly as he reaches up to undo the buttons and zipper of Hoseok's pants with careful fingers, and Hoseok's whole body goes hot.
Hoseok sighs, his breath shaking as he leans his head back against the wall, his eyes fluttering shut and his hair hanging down in his face, his one hand fisting in Kihyun's silky hair while the other grips tightly onto Kihyun's shoulder. And Kihyun starts moving fabric out of the way, scattering wet little kisses below Hoseok's navel, moving lower and then back up, sucking and marking the skin the same way he did so at Hoseok's throat, laving over each mark with his warm, wet tongue, darting it out in little kitten licks just shy of where Hoseok really wants to feel them, each tease crueler, more excruciating and sublime.
Hoseok bites down into his lower lip, tugs it between his teeth when Kihyun's tongue dips just for a moment beneath the waistband of his underwear, just barely brushing over the skin of Hoseok's cock, already hard and straining to be released. It's hardly even a touch at all, but it feels like fire, like an electrical shock on Hoseok's skin, heat shooting up his spine and pleasure pulsing low in his gut as Kihyun's fingers reach for the waistband of his underwear and pants and peel the fabric down slowly to Hoseok's thighs, Hoseok's hard cock bobbing up against his stomach, the damp, cold air making Hoseok shiver as Kihyun lets go and lets Hoseok's pants and underwear fall down his legs to pool on the ground, Kihyun moving in even closer to hold on tight to Hoseok's hips.
And then, Kihyun is taking Hoseok's cock into his mouth, Hoseok moaning out loud as he tugs at Kihyun's hair, guiding Kihyun's face as he moves forward, Hoseok's cock sliding easily to the back of Kihyun's throat and Kihyun taking it all in, his lips plush and soft and his throat opening up wet and smooth. Hoseok feels like crying, because Kihyun's mouth is so hot inside, his throat tight and slick, and his tongue presses against the underside of Hoseok's cock perfectly, his fingers gripping hard at Hoseok's hips. Kihyun suddenly swallows hard and the action tugs at Hoseok's cock in a wet, tight vacuum, and Hoseok feels tears springing to his eyes from the rush of pleasure he feels, crying out in the silence because it's just too, too good.
He lifts his head from up against the wall to look down at Kihyun, his sweet little Kihyunnie, and through his haze he sees that Kihyun's eyes are closed, his pretty eyelashes spread over his cheeks, Kihyun fully lost in what he's doing, eyebrows furrowed with his lips fitted around the base of Hoseok's cock, and Kihyun's tongue is starting to move, licking along the underside, the tip of his tongue just barely brushing over Hoseok's balls, and he's sucking very, very gently along with the slow, deliberate slide of his tongue, and he keeps swallowing every few moments, breathing carefully through his nose, and it's taking everything, every bit of Hoseok's self-control not to start thrusting into Kihyun's mouth before he's given permission.
All Hoseok can do is groan, sighing deeply as he curls his fingers in Kihyun's hair, only now realizing that the other hand on Kihyun's shoulder is holding on so tightly that his knuckles are white. He releases his grip and brings that hand up to Kihyun's hair too, using both hands tangled in Kihyun's hair to pull him in closer, Hoseok's cock going that one last bit further down Kihyun's throat so that Kihyun's lips touch the skin of Hoseok's pelvis, Hoseok completely sheathed in Kihyun's mouth and his cock down Kihyun's throat. And he'd be worried if he didn't already know that Kihyun is so good at this, an expert in deepthroating Hoseok by now. Still, Hoseok is always careful with Kihyun, always aware of his feelings, and so he only enjoys it for a single moment before he pulls back, his cock sliding out of Kihyun's mouth slowly until Kihyun's lips rest around it about halfway down, tears forming at the corners of Kihyun's eyes as he wheezes from the sudden loss of girth. And he's so beautiful like this, so gorgeous that Hoseok is left a little breathless himself.
Kihyun's eyes flutter open, and with Hoseok's cock still in his mouth, his eyes flicker upwards to meet Hoseok's, and his gaze goes half-lidded as he starts to suck again, harder and wetter, the noise filthy, Kihyun pressing his tongue flat along the underside, letting his lips go pliant. Hoseok's mouth falls open and he moans at how amazing it feels, Kihyun knowing exactly what he loves, and they don't break eye contact, the intensity building as Kihyun starts to bob his head slowly forward and then back as he sucks. And Hoseok keeps perfectly still, letting Kihyun lead, letting Kihyun be the one in control even if he's the one being fucked in his mouth.
What Hoseok is not prepared for, however, is Kihyun suddenly giving him this look, wide, doe eyes blinking so prettily. Kihyun goes still and hums around Hoseok's cock, the vibration so good that it makes Hoseok's cock twitch and throb, and Kihyun rubs his thumbs where they're still resting on Hoseok's hips, and it's then that Hoseok realizes that Kihyun is asking for something, that Kihyun wants Hoseok to take charge, that Kihyun is giving Hoseok the permission that he's been waiting for, the go-ahead to do what he really wants to do, what they both really want him to do.
And so, gripping carefully onto Kihyun's hair, Hoseok starts to thrust forward into Kihyun's mouth, gently at first, the way he would if he were fucking Kihyun in a bed, always careful not to be too rough with him until he asks for it. Kihyun can certainly take it, whatever Hoseok wants to give, and he's proven that many times over, but Hoseok can't help but be gentle with Kihyun, tiny, sweet little Kihyunnie, so sensitive to Hoseok only.
Kihyun sighs around Hoseok's cock as Hoseok continues, Kihyun swallowing hard and opening his throat, letting his mouth go slack so that Hoseok's cock can more easily slide in and out, and it's then, with another heated look shared between them, that Hoseok starts to lose himself in passion, in necessity, in their intense, physical connection.
Hoseok starts to fall into a rhythm thrusting into Kihyun's mouth, and though they're both trying to stay fairly quiet, it feels like the city is holding its breath around them, and so they start to get a little louder, the feeling of breaking the tension combusting into little white-hot sparks of pleasure. Kihyun is moaning and whimpering around Hoseok's cock, making these beautiful little sounds as his eyes grow wet and tears start to spill down his full cheeks, and Hoseok can no longer contain his own sounds, groaning and grunting as he increases the pace and power of his thrusts, hitting the back of Kihyun's throat harder and faster as his orgasm climbs up from the depths of his body hot and thick and sticky inside of him.
And finally, as Kihyun swallows one last time, that's all it takes for Hoseok to tumble over the edge with a shout, waves of hot pleasure coursing through him as he comes down Kihyun's throat, thrusting a few more times as he rides it all out. And Kihyun is so, so good for him, such a good baby boy taking it all and holding on tightly to Hoseok's hips, swallowing everything and moaning so prettily, his cheeks flushed deep pink and his eyes drowsy and fluttery, and Hoseok pants, his chest heaving, and he wants to keep this image of Kihyun in his mind forever, like a living work of art too precious for anyone but him to see.
As Hoseok comes down from his high, his vision blurred and his body warm, his skin broken out in a cold sweat, he vaguely registers the feeling of Kihyun slipping off of him, letting go of his grip on Hoseok's hips to pull Hoseok's pants and underwear up, securing the zipper and buttons and standing up on shaking legs. Hoseok blinks, panting and moaning with every few breaths in the lingering aftershocks of his orgasm, until suddenly, Kihyun slips his arms around Hoseok's shoulders and leans up against him, burying his face in Hoseok's throat and sobbing.
Hoseok can feel that Kihyun is trembling all over, and that Kihyun's cock is hard pressed against Hoseok's thigh, and Hoseok's heart clenches, Hoseok finally understanding what this really is. Kihyun wanted to do something for Hoseok, yes, but he also wanted to hold on tight to Hoseok in a moment in time when things are moving forward too quickly to process. He's scared of it, the uncertainty of everything. And so, Hoseok wraps one strong arm around Kihyun's waist to hold him in return, to support him while his other hand slips down to cup Kihyun through his pants, Kihyun's body shivering when Hoseok's large hand makes contact, Kihyun so sensitive as always even through the layers of clothing, Kihyun's little body tightly coiled, Kihyun curled forward into Hoseok's embrace and his lips mouthing silently against Hoseok's throat.
And it doesn't take long for Kihyun to come undone. Hoseok rubs him with the heel of his palm, his fingers squeezing lightly, his other hand on Kihyun's back rubbing slowly over the tense muscles, and within less than a minute, Kihyun is whimpering and coming into Hoseok's hand, the fabric of his pants and underwear growing warm and damp beneath Hoseok's palm.
Hoseok keeps rubbing Kihyun's back as Kihyun shakes through his orgasm, and then wraps both arms tightly around Kihyun's waist, and then they're hugging, Kihyun spent and crying softly into Hoseok's throat with his arms wrapped tightly around Hoseok's shoulders. He's crying from his emotions, from the relief, from the physical release, and from the feeling that yes, Hoseok is still here with him, and will continue to be here with him, always. Hoseok knows that it's complicated, that there isn't always a simple answer to why they do what they do and why they feel the way that they feel.
None of that matters right now, though. Right now, it's just about the two of them up here, making each other feel good, understanding each other perfectly even if they still can't really put it into words. Especially Kihyun, who often has trouble expressing himself. But Hoseok has learned Kihyun's unique language of actions, his language of care and support, and he's done everything he could to speak Kihyun's language in return.
They hold each other and they speak, call each other "lover" in each other's arms, and assure each other that they're there and together, through this chapter and the next, and everything after that.