Confession by Mystique
I hate life. I don't exactly know why...I just do. And to explain to--mostly--narrow minded people why I feel this way--while I don't know exactly why I'm like this, makes my misery even more difficult than it already is. Marami nang nagpapayo sa 'kin. Marami na ring psychiatrist ang tumingin sa 'kin at nag-prescribe ng kung ano-anong klaseng anti depressants but nothing seems to smoothy work since the meds can only help me so far. In spite of all my tedious efforts, depressed pa rin ako. Inferior pa rin ang tingin ko sa sarili ko kahit na halos lahat naman ay pumupuri sa hitsura ko, sa talino ko at sa career ko.
Maraming istupido na ang nagkumento sa sitwasyon ko. Nasa akin na raw ang lahat. May kaya ang pamilya namin. Lumaki ako sa maayos na environment. Nasusunod lahat ang luho ko sa buhay. Magaganda ang mga damit ko. Hindi lang dalawa ang kotse ko. Puro mamahalin lahat ang mga gamit ko. Nakapag-aral ako sa magagandang eskwelahan pero bakit na-de-depress pa rin daw ako? Sinabi pa nila ito sa paraan na tila ba wala akong karapatang makaramdam ng ganun.
One of the stupidest among my ex-friends once said on her social media wall, "you are better off dead, than not to find anything that can make you happy in this world." The words hit me so hard that I impulsively slapped her in person towards losing our 10-year friendship within 24 hours. I really don't mind when people rant about how to battle depression in general. It's everybody's right to express what they feel 'cause maybe it could actually help those who are not clinical like me. But when a close friend who knows my situation, and still decided to hit me with cheap jabs like that in a public forum, I go off crazy mad. Most especially that she seemed to suggest that I'm better off dead than to feel what I feel.
Here's what true depression really feels like. You look around and nothing seems to deeply matter. None of what I do, whether it is a hobby or job, seems to make any purpose at all. Depression feels like...I exist, but is no different from a dust. Blown by the wind. Trampled underfoot. Carried away pointlessly. Nakakapuwing sa iba pero walang ibang halaga.
I want to confess na kapo-promote ko lang sa executive position sa company na pinagtatrabahuhan nang una akong nagtangkang mag-OD. But, I was rushed by our maid sa hospital kaya nakaligtas ako. When I woke up, everybody seems so sweet and worried about me, though across they faces were the unspoken question, "why? You just got promoted! You just got your dream come true." Ang hindi ko masabi sa kanila ay 'yun na nga mismo ang problema ko. Naabot ko na ang goal ko pero bakit hindi pa rin ako masaya? Bakit hindi ko magawang matuwa kahit isang minuto lang? I want to be happy, but I can't. I want to feel excited at the very least, but I can't feel anything. I still feel empty and unhappy.
Dalawang beses pa akong nagtangkang mag-suicide. Ang isa sa pamamagitan ng paglalaslas at ang isa naman ay ang pagbabalot ng plastic bag sa buong ulo ko. Ang reason...it's the usual. I am just freaking tired of my useless existence. Pero tulad ng nauna, nahuli ako at nadala agad sa hospital and for those reasons, I unjustly fired the maid who saved me three times. Weeks later after I fired her, I eventually went back to my senses. Pinagsisihan ko ang nagawa kong pagsesante sa kanya, though naiinis pa rin ako na nang dahil sa kanya, buhay pa rin ako.
Dahil nalungkot ako lalo sa nagawa ko sa isang mabuting tao at kasambahay, I visited her old room and found out na may mga gamit pa s'yang naiwan. Ito ay ang dalawang libro na isinulat ni Eros Atalia at isang maliit na diary kung saan ko nadiskubre na depressed din pala s'ya based sa mga isinulat n'ya in the first 20 pages. Sa mga huling pages, kapansin-pansin na tila nag-iiba na ang tone nga pagkakasulat n'ya. Mas masigla na ito at iba na ang content. Mula sa mga paragraphs about her depression ay naging parang listahan na ito ng mag stories na nababasa n'ya sa Wattpad. Connected sa bawat title at pangalan ng author ay ang pakiramdam n'ya sa nabasa n'yang story. Until humantong ako sa page kung saan nakalagay ang eksaktong mga pangungusap na 'to (including the spelling)... "Subrang happee ako! May kumausap sa akin na awthor sa facebuk! Tuwa me napansin neya aku kahit sabi ko katolong lang ako! Miss A, Miss A salamat po hulug ka ng langit, nagamut mo ang sumpung ko. Hindi na ako nalulungkut. Hapee me! "
Just like that, I got really curious kaya binasa ko lahat ang iba pang page ng diary n'ya para lang malaman ko kung sino ang tinutukoy n'yang tao. I ended up asking three authors na may "Miss A" na palayaw, pero isa lang ang pumansin sa 'kin and was a little stunned and confused sa response n'ya sa inquiry ko, "nakapasyal ka na ba sa Roxas Boulevard, ang cool do'n pag hapon no?" At first, I thought the message was not for me kaya ang sabi ko, "excuse me?" but then after two days, she replied, "the sunset usually makes me sad, but not the one in Roxas Boulevard."
Napailing ako 'cause I thought she's on the krung-krung side. I mean...what the f*ck? What kind of response was that? But here's what makes me far worse a crazy person...that same afternoon, around sunset, I went to a bar called "Sunset," in Roxas Boulevard just for the heck of it. Sa pagpasok ko pa lang, while enjoying a drink, sinalubong ako ng masarap na simoy ng hangin na para bang nag-penetrate ito sa buong pagkatao ko. Ang lamig sa pakiramdam kaya hindi ko napansin na napapangiti ako. Ang hindi ko alam, habang ngumingiti-ngiti ako ro'n nang mag-isa, may nakakapansin na pala sa akin na isang lalake na mag-isa ring nag-e-enjoy ng breeze and drinks sa kabilang table.
"Hi, may I join you?"
He was very tall kaya napatingala ako. "Sure." Though medyo na-intimidate ako dahil mukhang balik-bayan ito dahil sa accent at hitsura.
"Ang ganda rito 'no?" slang ang accent n'ya.
"Yup." I was trying to look away.
"By the way, I'm Joe, and you?" kinamayan n'ya ako.
"Mystique."
"Are you also a tourist here?"
"Nope."
"You live here?"
"Nope." Dahil talaga Q.C. pa ako.
"I see." He paused. "Am I making you feel uncomfortable?"
I was, but I denied. "Nope. I'm sorry, do I look like it?"
"A little. Napansin ko lang, walang gustong kumausap sa akin since I got here two days ago. I was thinking, baka dahil sa hitsura ko, akala nila hindi ako marunong mag-Tagalog."
I smiled at him, though the truth is, hindi talaga ako comfortable na tingnan siya dahil...sobra..as in...sobrang guwapo niya. 'Yung kaguwapuhan na mas bagay magsuplado kaya parang nakakapagtaka kung bakit pinapansin n'ya ako at kinakausap. "Some Pinoys are intimidated with foreigners dahil takot silang maubusan ng English." Sabi ko, "actually, to be totally honest with you, I am quite surprised na nagta-Tagalog ka."
"Filipina ang mother ko. Baluktot lang ang dila ko but I can understand pure Tagalog and kunting Visayan."
"Did you come here to visit her?"
Biglang naging sullen ang expression n'ya, "nope. My Mom's in the States. I came here to meet someone I thought was ok to meet me." He paused when he saw my brows furrowed. "Ok, I had a chatmate here for three years. Nagpunta ako rito to finally meet her. Approved naman ang Dad ko since sabi ko I want to marry a Filipina. Just like him with my Mom but..."
"Why, what happened?"
"It turns out she's already with someone and a kid and what she posted on her profile online are...not real? I suppose?"
"Oh. I-I'm sorry to hear that..."
"That's alright. I know the risk of meeting someone online. At least I've discovered it quickly para hindi masyadong masaket. By the way, ikaw? What are you doing here alone? Wala ka bang date?"
"I honestly don't know why I'm here. Spur of the moment, I guess. Nope, wala akong date. I'm too boring to actually have someone want to date me."
"O c'mon? You don't bore me at all..."
I was never really into very long conversations, pero nagulat ako na inabot na kami nang gabi sa pagkukuwentuhan. He ended up inviting me for dinner sa luxury hotel na tinutuluyan n'ya and before we both realized it...here is my untamed confession, we found ourselves deeply attracted and intimate with each other. I never thought I am capable of french kissing anybody in public, making out in an elevator and have sex with someone I only met in a few hours, but I did all three...with him.
"F*ck Joe, what have you done to me?" I was the one grinding on top of him as his big hands held me tightly on my waist.
"You're so beautiful, Mystique. I never thought I'll be this fortunate today."
That was the very first time I felt so overwhelmingly excited, carefree and alive. "Please don't think less of me. I've never done this with a stranger before."
"Oh my G*d baby, let me have this!" He rolled over to pin me down on my back. "Oh sweet J*sus! Thank you." As he thrust even harder. "Oh L*rd, thank you!" As both our temps rose towards out peak.
I am a very uptight person by nature, but not at that moment. Sigaw ako nang sigaw. That wasn't my first, but that was the very first time I truly enjoyed sex.
***
"I hope this is not just a one night stand, Mystique." As we both cuddled each other in bed. "I want to be with you again...and again...and again..."
I giggled--which I haven't done in a very long while. Kilig na kilig kasi ako that night and yes...I think I was genuinely happy. "You mean, you want to fornicate with me again?"
He laughed so loud, "yes but I hope you can feel it wasn't only that. J*sus, Mystique. I was supposed to be depressed and whining at this moment, but you made me extremely happy instead. It's like you were heaven sent, coming into my life at the right place on the right time."
"Are you a Christian?"
"Yup...a fornicating one though." He giggled. "How about you?"
"I don't know. I was baptized in a Catholic Church but I never really practiced any organized religion. Would I turn you off if I tell you I'm an agnostic?"
"Most probably not, though I do hope you'll eventually realize that if not for some unseen divine intervention, two lonely hearts cannot meet to find happiness in the sin of fornication, yet hoping that someday, they don't have to fornicate just to make love."
I laughed like I've never laughed before. "Don't tell me you want to marry me already. That's insane. We just met."
"Maybe not yet. Not right now. And not until..."
"What?"
"Not until I'm certain I can tolerate your snoring."
We both laughed aloud, and for once, I totally forgot how depressed and suicidal I was, before that day. Thanks to the krung-krung author whose crazy subtle suggestion led me towards my most forsaken sanity.
[End of confession]
***
Author's note
Joe and Mystique are "virtually," together (Thanks to facetime and Facebook), though both are still in the process of doing what they have to do in the very strict US immigration so Mystique can join Joe in the US, get married and build a family together someday. Mystique still has her "down," moments, but has made a lot of progress in managing her moods since Joe came into her life.
***
Editor's Note
Do you want DyslexicParanoia to retell your Untamed Confession in narrative form? You may send you confessions directly to her at dyslexicparanoia@gmail.com, on the SUBJECT please type UNTAMED CONFESSION. Be rest assured that your privacy will be protected. No part of your confession can be retold and published without your consent.