I sat at the top of the cliffs, tears streaming down my face. I hadn't had much choice. If I didn't break his heart, I knew he would never give up.
Sam Carne wasn't one for giving up without a fight. He had already tried to win a lady's hand in a Cornish Wrestling match, only for her to go and marry another man. He already knew heartache and now I had added to it. Maybe at least he had his faith, he could always rely on that. I couldn't help but admire him, but I couldn't bring myself to make the dedication he had wanted me to. I had a belief in God, in a higher power, but not to the extent that Sam did. It was his whole life. He was so passionate. I wasn't willing to give up my lifestyle for a lower one of service as a preacher's wife.
As I sat watching the sun slowly set and the clouds move in bringing rain, my only wish was that I hadn't done it so publicly.
Why hadn't I done it somewhere quieter?
Not only had I broke his heart, but I had publicly humiliated him too.
There was no going back.
Why did I have to fall in love with him?
It would have been easier if I had stayed in London and met my future husband.
Lord Warren was a good man with prospects, it was the perfect match?
Rain began to fall hard as my tears flowed, if only I hadn't come to Cornwall. If only my mother hadn't died.
I closed my eyes and remembered the ride from London to Killewarren the previous year.
Rain lashed down even then as the couch rolled along the road to Killewarren, hitting every bump as it went, tossing my tired body around the empty carriage. I had no desire to move to Cornwall, nor did I have any desire to live with my Cousin, but now with both my parent's dead and no other family I had little choice. All I could hope for was that Cornwall wouldn't be boring. I had spent a few joyous summers in Cornwall when Cousin and I were children, staying with our Uncle, but to live there was something new. When my Cousin wrote to me in London she did not mince her words. I was to marry once I had been in Cornwall a year. Marriage was not something I wanted either, but I knew I couldn't survive without it. I was nothing like my Cousin, I wasn't an heiress, I only had the small allowance my parents had left me. Although I did not want marriage I could see the advantage of such a thing, but I would rather marry for love than money. Cousin Caroline had recently married below her station, even as an heiress I couldn't help but admire her for it. Dwight Enys sounded like a well-rounded man who had fought and been captured by the French, but his best friend had gone to rescue him. I felt a twinge of excitement at the thought of meeting the newly elected member of parliament that had gone to rescue his friend but knew those meetings would have to wait. First, I would have to get myself acquainted with Killewarren again.
The grand house came into view and so did my new life.
The coach stopped outside, and the footman opened the door, offering his hand to me. Taking it, I stepped out and glanced up, never in my whole time in London had anywhere come close to the beauty of Killewarren. Swans swam in the small pond on the front and the gulls were circling overhead, looking for their next meal. I had to admit it was blissful.
The front door opened, and Cousin Caroline came running out, arms opened ready to pull me into a tight hug.
"It's so good to see you Lilith," she grinned letting me go.
"You also Cousin."
"Come on inside," she instructed leading the way.
I followed her through the entry and out into the welcome room.
"I'd forgotten how beautiful this house is Cousin."
"You should have come stay more often, but we hope you will feel right at home."
"I shall do my best," I smiled as Caroline lead me through the welcome room and on into the living room.
Dwight Enys was standing silently next to the fireplace; a nervous smile adorned his lips. He had no reason to be nervous.
"Lilith, may I introduce my husband, Doctor Dwight Enys."
"Pleased to meet you Sir," I smiled, giving a little curtsy.
"And you also," he smiled back less nervously. "It's an honour to have you stay with us."
"You say that now," I grinned.
"I'm sure you will be no trouble at all," Caroline replied. "And now to show you your rooms."
"My rooms?"
"I have given you the east wing of the house my dear. It's yours for whatever purpose you like. Dwight hopes that we will have children and you won't want to be woken by the cries of the little brat."
"Crying babies don't bother me and I can't possibly accept a whole wing in your house."
"Oh you can, come let us go see it."
Dwight watched us leave the room, before returning to the dancing flames of the fire.
"My husband is still recovering from his capture."
"It must have been very dramatic for him, but wanting children has to be a good sign."
"I guess you are right, but I am not keen on the idea."
"Cousin Caroline, you will make a fantastic mother, you just need to have a little more faith in that kind, caring heart of yours. I know you try to pretend that you don't have one, but I know you do and so does Dwight. Uncle told me what you have done for the people of Sawle before he died. Trust me, you will be amazing."
Caroline smiled at me, "time will tell my dear. Here we are."
Caroline opened the door to my new bedroom and were greeted by a four-poster bed, draped with the finest fabric from London and sheets to match, a dressing table and stool stood in the nearest right corner, and a wardrobe made of English Oak stood in the left corner, the far-left corner had a small writing desk and chair. The windows at the far end of the room were open, letting in the smell of the sea. Fresh flowers in a beautiful vase adorned the fireplace, giving the room a small amount of colour and my things were already there waiting for me to unpack them.
"You also have your own room for you to entertain in." Caroline informed me.
"Thank you," I smiled weakly, fighting the urge to be overwhelmed.
"Lilith, I'm sorry Dwight and myself did not attend the funeral, I thought it best after recent events to keep Dwight here."
"Cousin it is fine, I understand, and mother would have too. It was a quiet, yet respectful send off. Just as mother wanted it, all her friends were there."
"I'm glad you understand. We will be going to church in the morning. Make sure you dress for the occasion."
"Church?" I asked, a sudden stab of doom hitting me.
"We attend church every Sunday."
"Okay," I replied unsure.
"Lilith you will attend," she scolded. "I will leave you to unpack."
Caroline left, and the room suddenly felt claustrophobic. Loneliness and loss of control ingulfed me, for the first time since my mother's death, I felt alone and trapped, my life was no longer my own. In London I was free, free to make friends, free to be who I wanted to be. Running across to the open window, I leaned over the ledge and looked out onto the horizon. There were sand dunes as far as the eye could see in front of me, the light-coloured grass dancing in the evening breeze.
I gasped at the air, fighting my own lungs to adsorb it. I hated feeling alone when I wasn't. It was a fear that I couldn't run away from. Resting my head on my arms I focused on the sound of the gulls, as the breeze ruffled my hair. I heard them before I saw them, two men walking across the dunes heading straight towards the house.
I pulled myself together. It was stupid of me to react when I had managed the past three months alone. There was nothing I could do about the loss of control of my life, it was something I would have to accept. I needed to keep my wits about me, otherwise I could end up in a place much worse. I straightened my dress and headed back down stairs to meet the visitors. I wanted to at least make friends, if I was allowed too. Still not being of age till next Summer, Caroline would be in control of everything, but if they were friends of Caroline and Dwight, then maybe there was hope.
I couldn't hear what was being said till I got to the last step of the winding staircase.
"Sister has invited you both and your guest to dinner tomorrow," a gentle voice said.
"Tell Demelza we would be delighted to join you all Drake," Dwight answered.
I rolled my eyes, already decisions were being made for me.
"Can we expect ye at Church tomorrow?" the other asked as I entered the welcome room.
"We will be attending, as will our guest," Dwight replied.
They all turned to look at the sound of my shoes on the wooden floor.
"Ah, may I introduce you to Caroline's Cousin, Lilith. Lilith, this is Sam and Drake Carne, real good friends of myself and Caroline and brothers to our friend Demelza."
"Pleasure to meet you, mam," the youngest said.
"Pleasure is mine," I smiled, giving an unnecessary curtsy.
"We are both so glad that you will be joining us at church tomorrow. Maybe we could add your name to God's book of the saved."
"Don't count on it," I scoffed, leaving a look of hurt in his eyes. "I'm sorry sir, I have a belief in God, but that's where it ends."
"Then I will make it my mission to change that."
"Please don't waste your time on me. Preachers in London have tried and failed a hundred times."
"No time on you would ever be wasted," he smiled slightly.
I didn't know how to reply, he caught me completely off guard.
"Err, we will give sister your answer," Drake said, looking from Sam and myself.
They both bowed and left, leaving me a little red faced. Gentlemen in London would never talk to a lady like that, but I knew these were no gentlemen, they were from lower stock and I would have to get used to being around such people.
"Sam won't give up on you," Dwight smiled sympathetically "I know this must be difficult for you Lilith, but I have a good feeling about you living here. You must make the best out of the situation. Promise me you will at least try for Caroline's sake."
"Why is it so important to you both?"
"Because Caroline is already with child," he smiled with satisfaction.
"Congratulations," I forced myself to say, before making the winding steps back to my rooms.