To Thy Self Be True

Chapter Two

I closed the bedroom door and slumped against it, tears falling without effort. I had made a promise to make the best of my situation, but how? How could I make the best of this? My life was no longer my own, I couldn't make any decisions for myself, every aspect of my life was out of my control and now I had the local Bible basher on my case. I stood up, wiping the few tears from my eyes and began to pace up and down my new room, the sound of blood rushing through my ears as my sadness turned into anger. I knew deep down I was being selfish. I should be grateful that I had somewhere to go, but I couldn't accept this life, nor would I be able to sleep. It would take me months to get used to such a massive room, it didn't even smell like home and with such conflict within myself I knew my blissful night was doomed. I left my bedroom and headed towards my entertaining room and closed the door silently. I knew I couldn't risk being caught, even in London the book I seeked wasn't for the faint hearted, not even mother knew I owned it. Living in London had its wild side that would turn the local magistrates wig black. All I wanted was to read a few chapters, to escape into the scandalous world in the pages. I removed the book from the shelf and stripped away the fake cover. 'Les Liaisons Dangereues' shone gold in the dull light. If I was caught, not even Samuel Carne would look at me twice. I sunk into the nearest armchair and began to read, trying not to get to drawn into the world, listening for the slightest sound from within the house. Finishing my two chapters and feeling hot and flustered I headed just as silently back to my room. Still I knew I couldn't sleep, I could hide in the books, but I couldn't hide from the uncertainty that was my life.

Picking up my copy of 'Cecilia' and lay down on the bed, at least she knew a little of what I was going through.

I eventually fell asleep with my face stuck to a page of the book, the print slightly transferred onto my skin.

I was awoken by one of the maids who brought a fresh cup of tea and opened the curtains.

"Good morning Miss," she curtsied before leaving the room.

I ran my fingers through my lose hair. I had finally fallen asleep in the twilight hours with dreams of being swept off my feet by a tall dark stranger, but why did he keep turning into Samuel Carne?

I washed the ink from my face and set about fixing my hair and picking my dress for church. I didn't want to eat breakfast, I just wanted to get the morning over with, my stomach was churning with unknown nerves. I had nothing but hope that dinner later would be better, even if the Samuel Carne was there. I was glad Drake would be though, he seemed to have an understanding of my views judging by the glance and smile he had given me. I wondered if the religion spread through the family. I busied myself with picking the least fabulous dress I could. In London we had to dress up in our finest clothes to go to church, but here seemed a little more laid back. Picking my light pink satin dress, I got myself dressed with the help of the maid who had woken me.

Picking up the ends of my dress I headed down to the welcome room and waited for Caroline and Dwight. I was so happy that they were having a child, after dinner last night I could tell they needed someone to share their love with. There was so much of it between them. I had sat there in the dining room just watching them. I found an urge I hadn't felt before, I wanted what they had and desperately wanted to seek it.

"You look perfect Cousin," Caroline smiled.

"Making the most out of my situation," I smiled more at Dwight than at Caroline.

"We'd better get going," Caroline said, picking up her wrap and bonnet before heading out of the door.

"Thank you," Dwight whispered as he helped me into the carriage.

"You don't need me being difficult."

"Why would you be difficult?" Caroline asked puzzled as the carriage began to move.