Flashback....
We used to live in Thailand but since my mom was offered a nice job in a law firm here, my family decided to live here. I was eight years old that time.
It was hard for me to cope and adapt with the new environment since I was an introvert. I really find it hard to talk to people for I am shy and timid.
But good thing there was also a transferee student from New Zealand. We talked, but we're not that close. We are total opposite. She's a social butterfly, and I am socially awkward. She's so smart, and I'm just average. She's a head turner despite of being chubby but cute, and I am always the target of bullies because of being awfully fat.
In my entire grade school, I was always staring at the particular chubby but cute cat-eyed girl. There are times that my teacher caught me and the whole class laughed because of my silliness.
Finally, grade school's over. I decided to lose weight because I'm starting to get conscious about myself too. And I'm starting to develop unusual feeling towards Jennie, the chubby but cute cat-eyed girl.
Treadmill, jumping rope, bicycle, and barbell are my best friend that time.
2 months had passed and vacation's over. I instantly became a celebrity in my new school. There are some guys that are hitting on me but I know to myself that I wasn't into them.
To my surprise, Jennie is studying in the same school but she's on Section A. She's still the same. The same Jennie Kim that I have a crush on.
There are times wherein we see each other on cafeteria but she I think she doesn't recognize me which saddens me.
I studied hard. I want to be on section A too. I want her to be my classmate. And my perseverance paid off when I made it to the overall outstanding students, which means I will be on Section A next school year.
*
8th grade...
The classes formally begun and my teacher started lecturing. And there's Jennie Kim. I'm really amazed because she's really beautiful by just breathing. She's effortlessly beautiful.
Weeks had passed and everything's going well. Except that I'm kind of irritated to some of my girl classmates. They are pestering me and they are throwing their selves literally to me.
I was heading to our room today when I heard something. There are maybe around 3 people arguing so my curious ass looked for it.
"What part of no can you not understand? Do you want me to teach you how to read?" Wait. I know that voice.
"C'mon Jennie. Just go with us. You'll enjoy our company I promise." I knew it. It's Jennie.
"We don't need that. Let us just teach you how to multiply." Alright. That's my cue.
"What's the problem here?"
"Ohh. It's Lisa, the new girl crush. Wanna join us?" The new girl crush, huh?
"C'mon Jennie we're gonna be late." I said as I dragged her away from these goons.
"Wait Missy. We're not yet do----" I didn't let him finished what he will say coz' I punched him right away.
"You bitch! C'mere!" I pushed Jennie and we ran but the other guy grabbed my hair.
"Ugghh!" My hair! I spent 2 hours fixing it! And its newly dyed!
I twist my body until I was facing him and I throw him an uppercut then when he finally released my hair, I kicked his chest until he fell on the ground.
Just like in movie where the police are always late, the guards came right after the scene ended.
"Are you okay?" I asked her.
"Yes. But you don't need to do that. I can handle myself." She said and we continue walking.
"But why did you let yourself get into that situation?"
"Believe me. I was going to punch them but you butted in." Then we both giggle. Then we already reached our room.
*
"Manoban! Kim! Why are you late?! Do a 500 word essay about why you are late and submit that to me after 10 minutes!"
"Uhh-ohh." We both looked at each other and laugh internally.
Since then, we became like the closest friend ever. I overcame my shyness and I started joining extra curricular activities. I joined our volleyball team and she became a feature writer in our school gazette.
We are always together. We go to the water closet together, we eat lunch together, we go home together, do our homeworks together, and everything, we do it together.
Little by little, I got to know her better. I got to see what's beyond those beautiful cat-like orbs. And because of that, I realized that Jennie is not just the pretty girl who used to be my classmate in grade school, she slowly became world, without me noticing it.
I really felt guilty because it seems like I am betraying her for liking her behind her back. But that's the beauty of having your crush as a best friend, you can hug and kiss her without malice *wink*.
One Saturday night, we are cuddling in her bed while watching Spongebob.
"I noticed that all of the girls in our section are trying to hit on you." She started the conversation without looking at me.
"All of the girls? Including you?" I joked. But jokes are half meant.
"Of course not! I just noticed. So what can you say?" She snuggle closer to me as she hugged me sideways.
"Honestly, it kind of irritate me. They are basically acting like a leech to me. Ughh." But I will gladly take it if it's you, Jennie.
"Hmmpp! I know you are enjoying it, you flirt!"
"Ouch! You are turning into a sadist now, huh? Just admit that you're jealous." She pinched my side.
"I'm not jealous... I'm just afraid that they will take you away from me."
Come on, Lisa! Keep your shits together! Of course she'll say it! You're her best friend! B.E.S.T.F.R.I.E.N.D!
"Ohh..uhmm. Hehe. W-what are you saying? They won't. I will never leave you." I said while looking directly to her eyes.
Maybe she felt that I was looking at her so she return the same intensity. We are staring at each other like we are looking for something in each other's eyes. No one dared to break our eye contact.
"I love you, Lisa." Wait...what???
She smiled sweetly and she buried her face to my neck. She sniff my scent and my body froze.
"Thank you for being my best friend." Best friend. Yeah. Why did I assumed? Of course she love me as her best friend.
"I love you too, Jennie." More than you imagined.
*
9th Grade...
I realized that I don't like Jennie anymore.
I already love her. I think I do love her for a long time now. She makes my heart skip a beat whenever she smile. Her laugh is the my favorite music without lyrics. And I love it more when I'm the reason why she's happy.
I was studying in my room when I heard a knock. My mom just checked me earlier. What does she need?
"Come in, Mom!"
"Ahm. Hi?" It's Jennie
"Hey. Your eyes are swollen. What happened?" She sat on the bed side and cried.
"Mom and dad are divorced now." I don't know what will I tell or how can I ease her pain. It hurts me seeing her in this state.
"Do you want to go out? It's only 8:30. Wanna grab some ice cream?" She nodded. Ice cream is her comfort food. Maybe that can help.
We went to the nearest ice cream parlor and good thing she calmed down a little. I know she's still hurt because of the separation of her parents. Good thing I am with her. And always be with her.
*
Months had passed but I noticed that she changed a bit. She started hanging out with guys and I heard that she was already dating one of them. It broke my heart. But I can't confront her. She's busy with her duties in the school gazette and I am busy with my practices . We barely talk in the class as well because we are like miles apart! She's sitting in front and I was on the back! Woes of being tall.
I miss her. I miss my Jennie. But it seems like the rumors are true. She's already dating someone. And he's filthy rich.
*
Saturday morning...
I ditched my practice just to have a talk with Jennie. She's avoiding me for like 2 weeks! And she's busy flirting with her boyfriend. It sucks.
That's what you get from loving someone secretly because you are hurting yourself secretly as well; it hurts like hell.
"Good morning Mrs. Kim. Is Jennie here?" I am now in front of their house.
"Ohh Lisa! She's in her room. You can go there."
"Thank you Mrs. Kim and by the way, you look great as always." I gave her a cheeky smile.
"This kid. You are always flattering me."
I'm already in front of her door. What will I say? Ugh. I hate this. I'll just cross the bridge when I get there.
I knock twice and I heard her shout "Come in" so yeah. I came in. She's doing something in her study table and she didn't bother to look at me.
"Hmm. Hi Jennie."There.. I got her attention.
"What are you doing here?"
"Why are you avoiding me? And why didn't you tell me that you are already dating that rich-assed jock?" I'm already fuming because of jealousy but, do I have the rights?
"Wow. Says the girl who's secretly dating that bitch cheerleader."
"What?! Where'd you get that?"
"It doesn't matter. So how's the kiss?" She asked sarcastically. Wait..what? She's turning tables on me! I should be the one who's interrogating her. Not the other way around.
"What are you talking about?" Then she went to her drawer and get something there and she slapped me that thing.
I yelped in pain. She slapped me real hard. I look at the thing that she slapped on me and I got shocked. Where'd she get these?!
It was a picture of me and Nancy, the cheerleader kissing.
"Okay. Let me clarify this to you. That is not true. Well, ahm. It's 3/4 lie." She looked at me confusely. I'm kinda confuse too but hell! I'm losing my sanity.
"Nancy confessed to me that she likes me. But I never liked her. Never was and never will. We are not dating and that picture..." pointing at the picture. "That is edited. Don't you know what's the difference between edited and real? Whoever did this, he/she wants to ruin our friendship. I'm kind of disappointed because you chose to believe that picture instead of confirming it to me."
I started to panic internally when I her eyes are clouded with tears. She hugged me tightly and apologized to me. I guess it only takes one hug from Jennie Kim to ease my pain.
After that day, it seems like everything is back to normal. Except that she already has a boyfriend so we don't go home together because he wants to take her home by his car. It breaks my heart but what can I do? If we can only dictate our hearts not to beat for someone we can't have, then maybe life won't be this complicated.
Whenever Jennie and his boyfriend are fighting, she would knock on my door and cry and here I am, always acting like a sponge ready to absorb all her tears.
Why does she waste her tears for someone who doesn't value her when I am here. Waiting for her to notice my feelings.
Then one night, she came to my house in the middle of the night saying, "We broke up."
I was the happiest person time. But I feel sad for my best friend for experiencing this kind of heartbreak.
We continue our friendship and I can say that we're really back to our normal setup. And I can say that we got even better, and my love for her is now deeper.
*
Present day....
I stopped talking when I heard a light snore. I guess she's already sleeping. She must be tired for crying nonstop. Her eyes are not that swollen anymore but there are tear stains in her cheeks. I caress her face softly and kiss her forehead. I hugged her tightly and drifted to my dreamland, with the woman of dreams on my arms.
*
Jennie's POV
I woke up when I heard my alarm on my phone. I tried to move but no avail. Something's on my tummy that prevents me to move. I look the girl who's snoring lightly, with her mouth slightly open and her hair's messy that makes her look like a lion, a gorgeous lion.
I looked at my watch and it's already 5:45 am. I need to go now. I looked at her one last time and kissed her on her forehead and slowly remove her hands on my tummy.
I cooked her breakfast because I know she can't cook before I go to my place to get ready for work.
After 20 mins of travel, I reached my condo unit and prepared myself. When I was ready to close my room, I saw my old journal back when I was in high school. I smiled and put it in my bag.
Minutes later, I am here already at my workplace. I work as an EIC of one of the most popular teenage magazine in the country.
I came a little bit early. I went to my office and ponder. I open my bag to get my phone and I saw my old journal. I opened it and the picture of me and Lisa popped up.
A bunch of our picture in high school particularly our senior years, the year when a zoo in my stomach was born.
Flashback...
It started when I heard that Lisa and Nancy are dating. Taehyung gave me a bunch of pictures of Lisa and Nancy kissing in the gym. I got furious that time. I started avoiding her. How dare she keep a secret to me! I'm her best friend. So when Taehyung asked me out, I agreed, out of my anger towards her.
I became attached to him in an instant. He's not that hard to like. He's smart, rich, and handsome. After months of dating, everything went wrong for the both of us. We started fighting and I always end up crying. But I don't know. Maybe I was crying by the thought of my best friend dating someone.
Then she clarified things to me. I was so relieved to know that they weren't dating. Taehyung and I are still together but our relationship was starting to become toxic.
Whenever I'm having a problem, but not entirely because of him, I always go to Lisa and cry. She's always there for me.
Then I decided to break up with him because everything is not right from the start. Lisa was the first one to know about it. And I'm glad we're back to normal.
We continue our friendship but I feel a different sensation whenever Lisa touch me. I became more sensitive and conscious on saying I love you's to her which are normal for me back then but now's a little different.
I felt jealous whenever Lisa will take a glance to girls wearing short shorts and when Lisa talks to me about the girl she saw on park.
But no. 'I don't like her'. That is what I will always say everytime I feel something strange towards her.
But then I just woke to the realization that I've fallen in love with my best friend. I don't know how and why, when and where. I just know that I love her. And I'm afraid it might ruin our friendship once she didn't feel the same way.
I became more clingy to her. Well, I'm clingy to her eversince but I became more touchy. I want her to give a hint but she's so numb.
"What if you are torn between choosing friendship over love, what will you choose?" I asked her as we are walking in the busy street.
"I'll never get torn because I prefer to love my friend. Less complicated. I'll get to love that person without compromising a friendship because that person is my friend. Easy." She replied enthusiastically.
Calm down my heart...
I just hummed in response. Maybe... just maybe. I think we have a chance.
I was already outside my house and my aunt's car was parked in our garage. I enter my room and change with a comfortable clothes when I heard my aunt shouting angrily.
"This girl broke up with Jiyong just to be with that Chaerin and they run away! I can't believe this girl! How can she choose to be with a lesbian than to have a good future!" My aunt said as she cried so hard.
Then I saw my mom clenching her fist. That's the first time I saw her mad. Never in my entire existence that I saw my mom angry. She's fuming. I got scared. My mom slapped my cousin so hard. She's never that type of person who is violent. This is the first time.
Mom....
"You are such a disgrace in this family Dara! What will other people say if they'll know this? Do you know the consequences of your careless act?! Females are not for females! Remember that!"
I closed my door. I already had enough. I got scared. If my mom reacted to Dara that way, what more if she knows that I love Lisa?
This needs to stop... I can't love her. She's a girl. We are not bound to be together.
*
Graduation's over. Everyone's happy but not me. My mom was disappointed because I was just ranked second. Lisa's the first and I'm so proud of her. Lisa invited me to go their house so I went there. Everything going smoothly when she dragged me out and moments later, we are already in a park near our old school.
"What are we doing here?" I asked.
" I have to tell you something...important." I got nervous. I know where this conversation leads.
"I love you, Jennie." No, Lisa. Please take it back.
"I love you eversince I met you. I did everything so you will notice me. I worked out, made myself good, and I studied hard so you'll notice me again. I love you more than friends. More that you could ever imagine."
"Lisa I-i..." I was about to tell her that I love her too but I remember what my mom said.
"You are such a disgrace in this family Dara! What will other people say if they'll know this? Do you know the consequences of your careless act?! Females are not for females! Remember that!"
"I'm homophobic." Then I died. My heart broke.
"But Jennie..."
"No Lisa. You are my best friend. How can you do this? So you just befriended me because of that? Lisa, I trusted you."
"Jennie I'm sorry."
"If you'll continue that then... friendship over."
I was on the verge of crying. But I have a bad habit: my mucus tends to flow first than my actual tears so I wiped my nose.
"You're so unfair Jennie. You can say that you don't feel the same way towards me but you don't have the right to tell me to stop me loving you..." Tears keep flowing in her eyes. This is the first time I see cry. And it is because of me.
"Because it is like telling me to stop breathing and die."
I don't know what to say. I'm happy because she loves me. I want to hug and kiss her right now but I can't move.
She wiped her tears and turn around. I'm facing her back and said, "But if you like, then alright. Friendship over. I will continue loving you even if it hurts so bad. I will keep on loving you until it will fade away. I'll get over you, don't worry."
She starts walking but she stopped. " and more thing. I didn't befriended you because I love you. I befriended you because I want to... thank you, for the memories."
Then I was left all alone. I cried so hard. My tears can stop falling. I went home and saw that my mom prepared a surprise for me and my dad is here too but I just went to my room and cried. I cried all night and waited for my tears to fall out but it seems like I have a whole ocean of tears inside me.
*
Weeks had passed and I heard that Lisa was already in UK to continue her college. I was broke. I was broke because I am coward. I'm scared to fight for her...even if the battle hasn't started.
After 5 years, I heard that Lisa returned to the country. All the pain came back. The guilt is starting to build up again. But my love for her never came back....
Because it never faded in the first place.
I still love her...
*
I went to the park where we used to hangout and cried hard. Then someone handed me a handkerchief and I was surprised because it was Lisa, my Lisa.
"Hey. Why are you crying?" Gosh, I missed her voice.
"I.. ahm.. H-hey. You came back." I diverted the subject and wiped my tears.
"Yeah. 1 month vacation. Why are you here? And why are you crying?" She still the same. She wiped my tears with her thumb and caressed my face.
I don't her want to know that it's because of her so I have to do this...
"My boyfriend cheated on me..."
She hugged me tight. I missed her warmth. I missed how her strong arms are wrapped tightly around me so I gladly return the same intensity. God, I missed her so much. I'm glad she's back.
*
Lisa and I reunited again. Whenever I wanted to tell Lisa that I love her, I would always end up crying and running back to Lisa just to tell the same lies just to cover up my feelings for her. I know I'm being unfair for her. But if it's the only way I can hug her and be with her then I'll do it. I just want to know if she still feels the same.
End of Flashback....
*
Lisa's POV
I woke up when the sun rays hit my eyes by the window. The space beside me was empty meaning, Jennie wasn't here anymore. I got up and do my morning rituals before going out my room. I went to the kitchen and saw a note on the fridge.
Lisa,
I already got up because I need to prepare for work. I didn't wake you up because you're sleeping like a lion :'D. I cooked your fave breakfast. Eat well. I'll see you later.
Yours,
Jen
I smiled and ate my breakfast. Because of boredome, I just binge-watch something on Netflix until I got bored again.
''Boredom sucks. I hate being jobless.' I thought so I just play a random music from YouTube then one song got my attention.
I've known you for so long
You are a friend of mine
But babe, is this all we'd ever be
I've loved you ever since
You were a friend of mine
But babe, is this all we ever could be
"What the hell is this song?" I thought. I want to stop the song but something inside me thinks otherwise.
You tell me things I've never known
I remembered our first conversation. The talkative Jennie saying the most trivial things about her to a basically stranger me.
You showed me love you've never shown
I reminisce the sweet gestures of Jennie that I mistook.
'It was just a friendly gestures, Lisa. Don't keep your hopes high.' I thought
But then again when you cry
I'm always at your side
You tell me bout the love you've had
I listen very eagerly
I remember when she told she has a crush on our handsome classmate. I really got jealous but I just let her talk, and I am dying inside, pretending to be all ears to her.
but deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again, I'm glad
She is numb and dumb and I am a martyr and a masochist. But what can I do? After all this years, my feelings for you never changed.
I just let the song continue and I am really internalizing every words. This song speaks for my feelings for her. Na-best friend zone.
I got up and went to my room with my laptop, speaker, and phone. I lost track of the song and just let it play randomly.
4 days. I only have 4 days left then I'll leave everything here, again.
I just stare at the ceiling blankly, thinking about the things that should've been forgotten. Things that were not worth remembering.
Kapag nalagay ka sa alanganin
Heto na naman tayo
Pansamantalang unan sa twing ika'y nahihirapan
Pansamantalang panyo sa tuwing ika'y nasasaktan
"What the hell is wrong with this? Are you playing with me, huh?" I am talking crazily with my laptop.
Maybe listening with this kind of music is a bad idea. When I was about to turn it off, the next line hit me real hard.
Bakit ba sakin na lang lagi ang takbo
Sa tuwing kayo'y may away
Ako ang lagi mong karamay
Di naman tayo, hindi
Diba't hindi
That slapped me and brought the shit out of me. It made me realize something.
"I am just her temporary" a tear escape from my left eye. Then it flowed nonstop. It's like they are chasing each other down to my chin.
Eversince she got herself a boyfriend, she became like that. She'll ditch me just to have a lunch with her boyfriend and his friends. We barely talk because whenever we were together, her boyfriend just come from nowhere and drag her away from me. We seldom go home together because her boyfriend drive her home. And whenever we were together, she will always talk about him. But whenever they will have a fight, she'll come back to me crying. She will just remember me when they fight. She will remember that she have a best friend whenever things go wrong between the two of them.
I heard a knock that made me wiped my tears quickly. 'It's Jennie.'
How did I know? Of course, she's the only stupid who always knock. I have a doorbell for Pete's sake.
I open the door and saw her crying, again. She's crying again for the nth time.
I let her in and she sit on the couch. No one's talking. I stare at her while she continue to cry silently.
"Lisa.." she broke the silence.
"Why don't you just break up with him?" I asked bitterly.
"What?" She asked confusely.
"Stop being a fool and break up with him! Are you not tired of crying because of him? Because I am! I am tired of this setup! I am tired of seeing you crying because of your stupidity!" She was shocked. I was too. That's the first time I rose my voice to her.
"Lisa, I love---"
"I am tired of listening with your endless rants about him. I am tired of getting hurt because you are hurting. I'm tired of seeing you suffer because of him." I was already crying. After 5 years, I am crying again because of her.
"I'm tired of loving someone who will never love me back." I can't take this. My legs are already shaking but I need to endure this. She stand up and was about to say something but spoke.
"I'm tired of being a pillow for you whenever time's getting rough for you. I'm tired of being a hanky whenever you are crying." I said between my sobs. And Jennie cried even harder. I hate seeing Jennie cry but I think I need to love myself too.
"I'm tired of being permanently temporary for you, Jennie." I am ready to walk out the door when she said,
" I love you too, Lisa." She was looking directly to my eyes.
"Stop playing games with me Jennie. I've had enough."
"5 years ago, I was having an internal battle with myself." She spoke calmly.
" I don't want to admit that I like a girl, that I should act the way everyone's expecting me to act. I have a hard admitting that I like you, no scratch that i love you, not the way friends do. It's more than that. It's beyond that." She smiled sadly and I waited for her to continue, still not facing her while she's holding my wrist.
"But when I finally admitted that I love you, I saw my mom getting furious because of my cousin who ran away with a lesbian. If my mom acted like that because of her, what more if she knows about me, liking a girl? I got scared, Lisa. I was scared." She cried. That's my cue to face her and watch her wipe her tears. My tears seems to have a contest with her as they keep on flowing too.
"That's why I rejected you. I want to hug you that time and tell you I love you but I remember my mom. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry because I was scared to fight for you even though the battle hasn't started. We were so young that time. I don't know what will happen if I chose to be with you.
Then I heard you went to UK to study. It broke me, Lisa. You don't know what happen to me when you left.
My mom heard me and my cousin talking about you and she knew that I am a gay. She disowned me."
That got me shocked. Her mother disowned her? Why? My heart keeps faster and faster as she continue to speak.
I didn't know she'd gone all this pain. All I thought that I was the only one suffering but she suffered a lot than me.
After her mother disowned her, she worked in their cafeteria to support her studies. She needs to be a student assistant and a dean's lister just to support herself. This made me guiltier. Only if I didn't left her then maybe she didn't go through this pain.
"But I never regretted what I did 5 years ago. Because look at you know, you are already successful and I can say that I survived everything without any help from my mom. We've grown mature now. And I am happy because of that."
She showed me her infamous gummy smile that made my heart skipped a beat again. The zoo in my stomach gone wild. The Jennie Effect.
We shared a comfortable silence for a minute then I remember something.
"What about your boyfriend?" I was afraid that maybe she's just confused that time and she already got herself another guy.
"I never had a boyfriend after you left." Huh? What? I was confused.
"Then what about those cheating thing you said? The crying moments?"
She laughed, "I just don't want to surprise you by telling I was crying because of you. And if making my self look pathetic in front you makes you closer to me, then I gladly be pathetic forever."
"But just like what I've said earlier, I don't regret what I did 5 years ago, because I didn't did that, we are not who we are now. I can now face you, with my head up high, and I am now ready to shout to everyone that I love you, Lisa. And I'll do everything just to prove it to you."
I smiled.
"Everything?"
"Everything."
"I just want one thing."
"What is that?" Jennie asked.
"I don't want to be your temporary." I said smiling.
Jennie smiled and hugged me by my waist and placed her head on my chest. She broke the hug and look in my eyes.
"Sure. Because I will love you permanently."
I smiled and kissed her in the lips slowly. Our first kiss. It was the type of kiss that is made to so that we can memorize each others lips. A kiss with lust, it was made by pure love.
But we're just human. We need to break it to gasp some air. Why do kissing and breathing can't be done on the same time?!
"Why are crying again, Jennie?" I wiped her tears using my thumb and caress her cheek.
"Tears of joy." Then we chuckle.
"I love you, Jen."
"And I love you, Lisa. Permanently."
Falling in love is never easy.
Nobody said it was.
Especially if it's your best friend.
You'll experience getting hurt secretly.
Smile secretly, and love secretly.
But the beauty of falling in love with your best friend is that, you don't need to go to that getting to know each other stage because you already know each other.
Your friendship might be compromised and at risk, but it's worth trying. Promise, you'll not regret it.
I and Jennie might have undergone so much drama before ending up together but that's what made our relationship strong.
And that's the perks of falling in love with the friend of mine.