Good morning, you! :)
What was it again?
Why am I up so early on this pleasantly cool Monday morning?
It's to enjoy life a little longer than I would if I were to remain in my slumber.
Lately, I have been having this burning desire to "look at" life. I have learned to appreciate the gentle morning breezes. Just watching these rose buds lightly dangling through the window curtains brings a smile to my face. I have learned to admire the blazing sunset before twilight. From the freeway up high, this sight is truly breathtaking. I have also learned to enjoy a cup of Oolong tea just before breakfast. Its bitter taste reminds me of life's bittersweet moments. Are all these the warning signs of my ending? ha ha ha. Should I go get a complete health checkup? I have noticed that my eyesight is worsening. I hope I will still be able to watch your videos and see your images for a long, long time. For what? Don't be silly! Of course, to appreciate how beautiful you are. To me, using the past tense for your handsomeness, your voice, and your artistry is not fitting. You are captured forever in those film footage, those picture frames, those poems, and those songs. So, you ARE!
Don't act too arrogantly because of that, my boy. You have a giant problem at hand to deal with.
Come, have a seat. Oolong?
Don't be too nervous. Let me slowly explain.
You, as someone who is empathetically sensitive toward other people's feelings, know that each person perceives and reacts differently to the same situation. Likewise, each of us also deals with pain and loss differently. Yeah. You must already know what I am trying to get at.
Among Shawols, there are some who have been with from your trainee days. Some from the day you debuted. Some from your Blue Night Radio program. Some from your departure. Each of us are dealing with your passing in our own ways.
A late mourner like me? My pain is minuscule. Some people even call it "artificial pain". And it may very well be. I have no problem with accepting that you are no longer on this Earth. I am just happy to have discovered you. I don't even have to "move on" because I was never there, at any point in your past.
But it's different for your true Blingers.
As I mentioned in our previous conversations, they love you. Hence, they are in indescribable pain because they miss you. The majority of them are living and enjoying life, bravely, while embracing all of the beautiful memories of you. Of course, every thought of you since December 19th, 2017 on has always been accompanied by a sharp pain. But, fortunately, your contagiously cheerful smile and cutest wink have always popped up in time to bring a smile back to their faces. So, you have caused the pain but have also, somewhat, neutralized it with the happy seeds you had earnestly planted.
For some others, though, this pain is unrelenting. Not because their love for you is greater than the love from any other Blingers, but because each of us deals with pain and loss differently. At the moment, no words of consolation, no hugs, no kisses, no embraces from any living person could make this pain go away. They still love you to pieces. They miss you terribly. Thus, they hurt intensely. I can't think of any way to help. Because I am a nobody, in their eyes. Because I am someone who will never be able to understand, in their opinion. Because I am offending them by pretending to be you, they say.
So, you have to do it yourself. Pacify your dear lovers.
"My beloved,
So you must know that I understand you and your pain.
I sincerely want to listen to all that you feel comfortable sharing. So, please tell it to me through your keyboard, your pen, your brush, your piano keys, your strings, your drum sets, your flute, or your harmonica, etc. Post it right below here.
Or whisper it to my ears through the wind. Shout it to me in your shower. Send it to me by your eyes in the soft yellow dawn. I will listen with concern, with love, and with respect.
You must know that I love you. You must know that I understand you.
Yes, I made that grave mistake. I really believed that people did not want to understand me and did not want to know about my true self. But NO. That's not true. As a matter of fact, it was because I didn't share my thoughts with the right people. And I know so, so, so well that it is truly a blessing to be able to find such understanding person. Someone who will not judge us. Someone who will not be disgusted by the real us. Someone who will believe and respect our thoughts and feelings.
But if we don't reach out, we can never find such person.
So now I am sitting here in regrets, for having not reached out to more people, people like you who would understand me. I should have been more adamant about expressing my TRUE SELF. I should have fought for that, instead of hiding myself away. If you had seen my true self, you would have accepted the true me unconditionally. I shouldn't have cared about THE OTHERS' opinions, those who never cared enough to understand me.
If I had just run away to the end of Earth and hidden myself in silence, just to once in a while reappear and say hello to you, you would have continued to love me. Right?
I should have understood that true love is unconditional, generous, and acknowledging. And true love does not have to come from the person or the people you love. True love is just simply giving and embracing. True love is not an obsession. True love is liberating and inspiring.
I love you, for who you are. And I will never judge you. So, as a starter, please tell me your story.
Then watch this.
Geez, I used to be so lively. I was genuinely happy. Those were the happiest days! I was the true self of my then ME.
Subsequently, I realized that I progressively changed in my ways of thinking and feelings, to become a new true me. And I had the desire for that new true me to be known. But in the end, I could not do so because my spirit was not strong enough to overcome a few too many failed attempts to express me. So I bitterly gave in, unwillingly, and ended up hating myself for that.
Thus, my dearest, please don't hide your true self. Be you! No one is ever accepted by everyone else. But everyone is accepted by at least one other person. So please be brave and be your true self.
If you miss me, please let that be known. If you are angry at me, please let that be known. If you are disappointed in me, please let that be known. If you resent me, please let that be known.
Gay or straight, weird or nerdy, funny or unamusing, fat or thin, brave or chicken-headed, tenor-material or tone-deaf, brainy or slow-witted, clever or clumsy, ... Please come out into the open. Be your true self! As long as you do no harm to other people, you have the right to live your life as your true self. You are generous enough to love me this much, hence I trust that your heart is dear and gentle. So please be confident that there are many people in our society who are willing to accept each of us. Many more than you may think, and many more than I had thought. If only I had known! So, please, do not hide your self.
Please do not bottle up your emotions like I did. It will waste your vibrancy away like it wasted mine. I will really hate for that to happen to you.
You have considered me as your inspiration in life, as a source of your happiness, as the comfort in your hardship. But I left you. Thus, I am profoundly sorry for letting go. I have ripped you off that inspiration, that happiness, and that comfort. All because I had bottled my true self, my pain, and my struggles inside, so I was consumed by depression to the point of losing my life to it. You must know how much I had wanted to be lively and happy.
Can my published songs, images, and voice continue to be the source of inspiration, happiness and comfort to you? If so, please kindly allow me to do that.
I will not ask you to move on, because one can never move on from his/her true love. Instead, please keep that love for me, for a long long time. Please hold me in a sacred corner where no one can touch. Then keep the remainder of your heart wide open, so other people can also enter it. True love is selfless. Hence, I want another person, some other people to make you happy. I want you to be happy, to be loved, and to live while enjoying life, the life that I lost.
I also want you to know that you are beautiful. You really are. You ARE beautiful! I believed you when you told me so. Now, it's your turn to trust in my words.
My beloved,
As your true self, if you have the desire to harm others, that means you are not well and need professional help. Do a simple search and you will find a list of free and confidential public agencies. Each of us have no right to infringe on other people's lives. That's the basic etiquette. So, please reach out! Don't be shy. Don't be ashamed. You are the bravest, the most heroic person in my eyes when you reach out.
If you have the tendency to harm yourself, that also means that you are not well and need professional help. Please find help! Contact 10, 15, 20, 50 or more people, to ensure that you get your needed assistance. Oh gosh, I should have done so! Be braver and cooler than me!
I know that depression hurts, deeply. If you are suffering from it, please know that you are not alone. If people around you do not understand, please do NOT be despaired. I understand you!!! Please know that your life is precious because you are precious! You are my precious!
The natural life itself can be very short. Everyone will eventually pass, each of us, and our loved ones. It's the inevitable. Then, shall we, together, as in 'you doing it for me', make an attempt to live it fully despite depression?
With the pain we feel at the start our days, let's talk to our professional counselors and psychiatrists, fully open our thoughts and feelings so they can best help us. Let's set an alarm so we will remember to take our medications on time because this step is essential to keep our thinking on track. Let's continue to be who we are amongst others, ignoring the people who do not accept us, and embracing those who do. Let's continue to feel our loneliness as we make an effort to get together with those who understand this desolation, so we can make each other feel less forlorn. Let's continue this fight and triumph this time!
Life is precious, my love. Life really is. So, please do not waste it, as I foolishly did. I would trade every moment I have now to ease the pain in my dear mother's and in your heart. I would really do. But life is a one-time event, only one, thus I can no longer do anything about it.
Even in religious view, life is only one. As a Christian, there is only one life on Earth, then you get to heaven, purgatory, or hell. As a Buddhist or Hindu, you may get to reincarnate, but then there will not be another you. You of this life will become another person of a different life. As an Islam, there is only one worldly life, because you will enter an afterlife at your death. The same case goes for other religions. And as an atheist or an agnostic, you must already know that there is only this life. So, just one physical life, with an unknown limited span. Could be very short. Could be longer. But could never be forever.
So, please, be explorative and live through this life. If you talk to my mother, she would tell you that it seemed like in a blink of an eye that I became 27. How many of that blinking can a person do in his/her natural life? Four blinks at max. So, won't you please do that for me? Explore life, explore Earth, and if you are able to, reach Mars and the moon. When we meet at the end of your natural time, tell me all about the exciting and gruesome journeys you take. I will be so eager to know.
It's easier said than done, right? I know. I am the evidence of that. You know that I couldn't do so regardless of how many times other people said it. But, my love, because I already lost those 3 blinks of my life, please allow my earnest words to stay with you.
I won't ask you to stop being sad when you think of me. It's only natural that you feel sad because you love me so. I won't ask you to pretend to be happy, pretending won't be at all of help. I also won't ask you to work yourself so hard, as it will only tire you out much faster. Instead, please cry when you are sad. But have another person next to you, so he/she can embrace you and make you feel loved. If you are not happy, you don't have to smile. Instead, look at my happy face in this clip.
On the day when you feel so down that you don't bother to eat, please watch this for me.
On the day when you feel so exhausted from your hard labor, please kindly remember that I once had wished I could fetch you home after nightfall.
On the day when you just want to be lazy and sleep in, do so. Why bother pushing yourself too much. Anything can wait but your contentment.
And on the day when you just want to let go of everything, please know that I once fought it with all my heart and soul to put forth another day. Please look at my eyes and my smile in this Lovesick fancam to see that fervent yearn to live.
I love you. And I need to know that you are living, at least well enough.
And when you are ready to accept that what is left of me on Earth is enough to get you through life, again, whisper or shout it out to me in the wind. I will catch it and be filled with contentment. Because then, only then, I will believe that I did well.
I want you to be safe, be sound, be a content you.
I love you.
Yours,
Forever."