Puppy time!!!
Ha ha. I know. This one is a giant floor mop. She just looooooves to roll around!
Yep! A mix of Saint Bernard and Irish Wolfhound. She's a person in a dog suit. Really.
Try calling Emma and clap your hands. But watch out! She may knock you over if she gets too excited. A messy drooler, too, this lady. ^_^
Your Roo? She went missing last May. Luckily Sodam found her by the river bank with some Shawols' help. All safe and happy!
Oh boy! Just look at this begging face! How can you resist a hug, huh? :)
By the way, I find it's beautiful that some Blingers still keep in touch with your family. Sodam occasionally posts Roo's pictures and videos on Roo's IG account, probably to help Shawols during this healing process. They have inevitably created a community of support for each other via social media, doing their best to thrive.
Geez, Sodam must be missing you so much!!! :'(
How could she not? I can't imagine her emotions when she re-watches the video segments in which you talked about her. They were just so adorable! Still so full of love!
You must be worried about her a great deal. Was that why you sent her the SM farewell? For her to find closure, you hoped?
Really? You really thought so, Jjong?
Sorry. I didn't mean to sound sarcastically angry toward you. It's just... In that desperate moment, you still cared so much about her. So how can I not be sad when IT, in the end, still won over you despite her dear image on your mind. Aaahhhhh! I just can't!
It's funny how I would think that you wrote the first line of the lyrics for Replay with Sodam in mind whenever I listen to it. You never failed to use that exact sentence when describing her beauty.
She seems to have changed a lot in the span of 8 months. Now, she looks more mature and more confident. I guess she has become stronger for your mother, in your stead. And I am glad that Roo is keeping her company, filling her days with much needed smiles and laughters.
Hence, I am not sure if I should let you send her a message right now. What if her healing wound is ripped open because of it? Then she will feel much worse.
Yes, me too! I also wonder if she is still afraid of thunders when it rains. And then, how is she coping with not having your arm for pillow? Are there times when a gentle breeze blows the hair on her forehead, yet she thinks it is a kiss from you? Is she still keeping the MP3 player you had given and helped fix, just to break it again so she can ask you to have it repaired when she misses you?
I don't know, Jjong. She may be saddened by your message, you know. But I guess she will always feel that sadness, that aching emptiness whenever she thinks of you now. So, with the purpose of helping her find closure, you can go ahead and do it. But be sensitive toward her feelings, you hear?
"Noona,
I miss you.
Noona,
I love you.
Noona,
I am sorry for having left you.
Noona,
Please forgive me.
Noona,
I love you.
Noona,
I love you.
So please sit here and cry with me for a while longer. Look at me, noona, because I miss you so. Have you been able to sleep well? What about eating and exercising? Have you gone back to work? Are people treating you nicely?
You know that you are always the prettiest in my view, don't you? That you are the person I worry about the most, all the time, don't you? So you must also know that I wish, more than for anyone else, that you can be happy and healthy.
Since I started my training in 2005, we did not get to be with each other very much. My hectic practice schedules restricted my every move. That's why I am so thankful that we still remained so close to each other. Many friends, colleagues, and fans openly envied our tight-knit relationship, which made me so proud.
You are my noona, but somehow I kept treating you as my dongsaeng. I always thought of you as someone so precious and fragile whom I needed to protect, perhaps due to my the-man-of-the-household complex. Deep down, I always thought that I had the responsibilities to take care of you and our mother, to provide you with material comfort, and to make you happy. I really thought so. And I still do.
That's why I am so sorry for leaving you behind, noona. So yell at me. Berate me. Be angry at me. But please do not resent me!
Noona, you knew everything about me and my condition. You witnessed how much I struggled to move on. My fear of imperfections, my fear of loosing SHINee and our fans' love, my fear of falling behind. You saw how hard I tried. I went to therapy, I continued to compose, I earnestly tried to laugh and smile in order to escape from my depression. But it just didn't work, somehow. I was under too much pressure, I guess. The fear of failing devastated me. It made me fall deeper and deeper into my depression.
I should have stopped everything for a while and sought help in the U.S. or Canada or Europe where most people would not know me. But I worried too much about how others would operate without me, what they would speculate about my absence, and even how much delay I would cause. Yes, so unnecessarily! Hence, I lost.
I should have just concentrated on getting better. But I worried about other people more than worrying about myself. That's just who I was, noona.
I don't regret caring for other people. I just wish I had worked out a better plan to balance everything. But then, again, I am speaking as a naive perfectionist. I should have understood that imperfections are the norm in life, just like our childhood, just like my internal turmoil.
We grew up as peers, almost. At some points, I even mistook us as twins. You were my strong support while mom was busy trying to make ends meet. So, you were my sister, my brother, my closest friend, my play buddy, and often times, even my mom and dad. For all that time, noona, I am immensely thankful to you. I hope I did not give you too many troubles in our childhood. Noona, I love you so!
Do you still remember the time when the drunken me woke you and mom up in the middle of the night, just to ask if you were happy, and you said yes? I wish I hadn't said that I wanted to be happy also. It must have hurt you and mom so much. That was a drunkard talking, noona. I was content that you and mom were happy. I was truly grateful that I could be a part of your happiness. I felt happy every time I thought of you and mom. I really was. That night, I was simply whining about the tremendous pressure from work. It was just so hard on me. But I did not mean anything else. I am glad that I could freely cry in front of you and mom. It gave me so much consolation. So, please, forget the painful words I said that night, will you? Please only remember the hilarity of being shaken out of your sound sleep by a dongsaeng who drank his mind out. Pleaseeeeee.....
Forgive me, my dearest sister, for leaving before you. Forgive my soul. Please pity me, your little brother who had become worn out after years of battling to grasp my self-worth and the meaning of my existence. My depression was not anything new, especially to us. But it took a fatal toll on me when I started to possess the desire to fully express my true self, just to then realized that such idea was immediately shunned by other people. If only I had been more expressive, if only I had been braver, if only I had reached out to many more people, we would not have had this sorrowful day. Damn those perpetually deceptive fears!
Noona, please accept the fact that I lost to my severe depression. You really did everything you could for me, in my situation. So, please, continue to remember me and love me for a long time, but please don't be too sad. I will rest in peace if you can carry on with optimism and respect for life. Please continue to find comfort in your work, go on dates, marry the person you so love, build a family, and be good to mom. Learn from my mistake, noona, and hold your happiness as the highest priority. Only when you are truly happy that you can make the people you love happy. I regretfully learned it too late.
I always felt grateful that I had you and mom in my life. I love you both every much and I wish I could still be with you now. If only! If only I had gotten the right treatment! Then, I would have been able to give your hand away on your wedding day as the man of our household like I used to hope. What a shame, right?
But, noona, don't worry. Now that I have all the time in the world, I will certainly be at your wedding, leisurely watching each of your footstep all the way to the altar, proudly. Thus, take all the time you need and choose your person wisely. I am in no rush at all.
So, noona,
Live well, will you? Identify your desires---ones that will make you happy if fulfilled. Just concentrate on your happiness. There is nothing greater than YOUR own happiness in life. I know that, so so well. Therefore, if other people do not accept you for who you are, just continue to treat them nicely but ignore their inputs. Don't waste your precious time to persuade them. Life is short, noona. Just as you always accepted me for who I was, I accept you for who you are. So, just be you. BE YOU!
And, noona, don't be afraid of thunders. I really liked the hugs you gave me when you were scared so I didn't say this. But... sound can only travel at 340 meters per second while light can go at 300, 000, 000 meters per second through air. So by the time you can hear the sound of thunders, the lightning strike already misses you. Thus, don't be afraid. You are safe! Oh, wait a minute! You already knew? You just wanted me to hug you and let you borrow my arm pillow, didn't you? Oh gosh! How could I miss it? You sneaky girl! I am speechless! Boy, oh boy!
Anyhow, I am also grateful that you still share Roo's pictures with my beloved fans. I hope that you will continue to do so, for me. Better yet, please consider organizing a quarterly or semi-annual Puppy Petting Event to help people destress. You saw how much joy and comfort Roo brought me. So such event will make other people feel happy also. Just shout out on Instagram, Facebook, or Kakao Story. I am sure those who have pets will be eager to join you in this mission. Imagine the positive change this will bring! It will help make life so much more meaningful and so much easier to breath for many people. THE KIM JONG HYUN HAPPY LIFE PUPPY PROJECT sounds great, right? Mull over this request of mine, won't you? You can call it however you want. I was just trying to be mischievous with the name. ^_^
Sodam noona,
I am saying goodbye today. But please know that I will always be by your side and cheer you on for the rest of your natural life. I will be able to recognize you when we meet again, so don't worry about getting old, you hear?
Live healthily. Live contently. Live with appreciation. And live for a part of me, too.
I love you, Sodam noona, for all my life and for eternity.
Your most handsome and most loved brother,
Your Jjong,
Forever."