Chapter Twenty-Six
Ezra's POV
I didn't think I'd fall asleep, at least I didn't plan on it. I hadn't slept all night, when three in the morning arrived, I couldn't take it any longer. I hated the silence of my dorm, the constant anxiety flowing through me as I thought about what I had to do today.
So, I selfishly went to Olivia's dorm, and pounded on her door, knowing she would be asleep. I don't even remember doing it. One moment I was making myself sick thinking about seeing Athena again, and the next I found myself standing in front of Olivia's dorm, thinking only about her.
And when she opened the door, her messy hair, makeup-less face, oversized T-shirt, and bare legs, I never had been more intrigued by her. Most women wouldn't look at me without making sure they looked their best. Most women would be embarrassed to be seen like this in front of me.
All of them, they always made a point to show off to me. I hate their arrogance.
But not her. Olivia never cared about what I thought about her, it is unique.
I'm so fucking confused by her.
One moment she's all I want, and the next I find myself hating her because she hates me.
Sometimes I forget that the only reason she kisses me is because of a deal we made.
And sometimes I choose to ignore it.
I awoke to Olivia sleeping calmly beside me. Her body was inches from mine, and for a few moments I imagined pulling her closer to me. I wondered what it'd be like to lay in bed with someone, to care about them in an inexplainable way. To not care about the day ahead because being with them was the only thing that mattered.
I imagined it, at least I attempted to, but I couldn't. Maybe I'm incapable of understanding it. Incapable, but somehow still hoping to feel it one day.
I sat up, not wanting to leave, but knowing if I didn't, my parents could put me back in a hospital room.
To put it simply, I'd rather die.
I carefully stepped out of bed, wondering why I would ever make an attempt to be quiet just so I wouldn't wake her up.
I don't care about others. I never bothered to be silent with anyone else I was in bed with.
And yet, when I walked out her dorm, I shut the door so gently, the only noise to be heard was a soft click in the hall.
It's as if she possesses me. I find that I do things I wouldn't normally do when I'm around her. I still don't know why I told her about what I had to do today. Seeing Athena was not something I wanted anyone to know, not even Olivia.
And yet I told her.
I shook my head and pulled out a cigarette. I left the dorm building, immediately noticing the black vehicle sitting on the corner of campus.
That was my ride. My ride to take me to the only place on earth I don't want to be.
I lit the cigarette in my hand, and only stared at the vehicle. Athena hates it when I make her wait. So it's become a habit.
Ten minutes went by, then fifteen. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. My hands felt like they were being pricked by needles, like any moment I was going to lose my vision and black out.
Why I let one woman make me feel this way, I beyond me.
I dropped the cigarette on the ground, made my way to the vehicle. Each step I took seem to get heavier and heavier and I don't remember walking all the way to the car until I was already there.
Everything is a blur, I can't focus on my surroundings, I don't hear what the driver says to me, instead I open the car door, and I get in.
I closed my eyes, hating myself for feeling like this, but unable to stop it all at once. Everything is painful, my lungs hurt, and my heart is pounding so hard it's making me sick. I wish it would stop. I wish my heart would just fucking stop.
And then I think of Olivia. I think of how I pulled her against me and felt her hands on my chest. My heart was pounding then, I remember feeling her heart beat, and not being repulsed by it.
I liked it. I liked her heartbeat.
I remember her hair, messy, but still so soft. Her eyes, a dull brown, nothing too memorable, and yet I can see them so clearly like she was looking right at me at this very moment.
I could smell her, the cheap perfume she wears, I used to hate it. I still hate it, but I want to smell it right now, it's the only perfume I ever want to smell again. It's terrible, but it's Olivia's terrible, and somehow that makes me want it.
Anything of hers I want, and I find that so oddly fascinating. She's nobody, she's not even middle-class, she has nothing, and yet everything she has, everything she is, I want it.
I want her.
I hadn't realized we had arrived until the vehicle stopped. Somehow, I managed to last a forty-minute car-ride to the worst place on earth, without making myself sick.
Olivia does things to me that I don't even understand.
I got out of the car and walked into the stone building. I placed my shaking hands in my pockets and took even breaths as I walked down the hall.
Bile rose in my throat the closer I got to her room, for only a second, I pondered if I could do this without panicking.
I stopped at her door and stood there. I don't know how long, but I could have stood there for an eternity and that wouldn't have been long enough.
I swallowed, but the silence of the building wasn't helping. It was so fucking quiet here. I could hear my heart pound, I could myself screaming in my own mind.
I reached out a shaking hand and opened the door.
I was greeted by grey. The walls, the carpet, and those fucking curtains. I hate grey. I hate it.
Athena was already sitting in her chair, she didn't even care enough to look up at me. "You're almost a half-hour late, Ezra."
I walked in, "I was hoping it'd be an hour."
"Don't start this before the session even begins."
"I'm not starting anything." My eyes darted to the curtains, they were shut, always shut. I wish she would open them.
"So, last week we had to send you the psych ward for a night. How did that make you feel?"
I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath, "How the fuck do you think that made me feel?"
"Ezra." She warned, "Just remember I can always send you back there."
I clenched my fists, but kept my mouth shut.
She leaned back in her seat, a look a satisfaction plastered on her face, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to run as far away from her as possible.
I focused on the grey wall in front of me. I refused to look her in the eyes.
I don't think I can look her in the eyes.
She crossed her legs, "So, tell me what you've been up to this past week. Anything new?"
What do I tell her? What do I say to get out of being sent to the psych ward?
I'll kill myself before I get put there. Not again. Not ever again.
I cleared my throat, "I don't remember." I breathed, "Lots of alcohol."
"So, you drink everyday?"
"Obviously."
"Why?"
"I like the taste."
"Ezra be serious."
I huffed, "I'm in college, can't I get drunk without being questioned?"
She frowned, "You've been an avid alcoholic since middle-school."
"Well I'm not in middle-school anymore." I swallowed the bile that rose to my throat. The carpet was swirling.
I gripped the arm of the couch until my knuckles bled white.
"Have you had any more impulsive thoughts? Any bad feelings?"
"No."
"Elaborate."
If I pass out, she'll send me back. I can't pass out. I can't go back. "I don't know how to elaborate on something that never happened." Sometimes it feels like she asks me unanswerable questions just so she could send me back to the hospital.
She loves it when I'm there.
I hate her.
"Been with any girls?"
"Is that any of your business?"
"Everything you do is my business."
"No."
"Elaborate."
I could feel my breathing get quicker, "You're making this too difficult, Athena."
She stared at me, with a long, expressionless look. "The only one making things complicated is you. I'm only asking questions."
I can't breathe.
"That's not fair."
"What's not fair? Blaming you for once?"
I shook my head, and pointed at her, "You always blame me. My father always blames me." My tone was exasperated, I'm exhausted and angry all at once. "If something bad is said about the Scott name, the media blames me." My hands were numb, "Ezra Scott is so fucking young. Ezra Scott is full of shit. Ezra Scott doesn't deserve his fucking life." I sucked in a breath, it was cold, it was sharp, and yet I still felt like I haven't breathed in hours, "I'm always blamed. Don't pretend you know what it's like to be me. Don't pretend you know me because I come here. Get out of my fucking head."
She pursed her lips, "Calm down."
Calm down? I am calm.
I wasn't doing anything. I was still, I am still, I haven't moved.
"Ezra, I said calm down."
But I'm not doing anything. I haven't moved. I glanced at my body, maybe I was going crazy.
But I haven't moved.
"Ezra!" She stood, and I realized immediately what she was doing.
She was putting on an act.
And they fucking fell for it.
She forced herself on the ground to make it look like I pushed her. If I was going to get punished anyway, I might as well have.
I stood immediately as she screamed. The same two security officers from last time came rushing in.
They grabbed me before I could even understand what was going on.
"I didn't fucking touch her!" I screamed, trying to pull myself out of the grip.
She hid her face with her hands as if she were crying.
She was probably laughing.
"Hold still, Scott." One of the officers demanded, but I couldn't. They're going to send me back, I can't be sent back.
I have pills in my pocket. I can feel them glued to the side of me, my instant relief.
If I could just grab them, if I could only swallow.
Athena slowly stood as if she were in pain. I had to give her credit, she was an astounding actress.
Astounding to anyone but me. I saw through her lies. She may know me well, but I know her just as much.
"She's lying!" My face was wet, I could feel it. Was I crying? I don't remember crying. "I didn't lay a finger on her fucking-"
"Put him away." She said her voice shaking, "I want him for the rest of the week."
Not a day, not a night. A week.
My eyes widened, "No, no, no, no." I shook my head rapidly, "I didn't do anything, this isn't right. I didn't touch you!"
"Enough!" The officer shouted, but I don't know what he said. I didn't comprehend his words.
I'm going back to the psych ward. I can't breathe there.
My heart is pounding, I can already hear it screaming in my ears.
Athena pointed at me, "Careful, he has pills in his pocket."
That's when I struggled. When I began to kick, and punch, "You bitch!" I spat on the officers, and I think one of them hit me, but I didn't feel it.
My lungs were exhausted, my heart was killing me, my brain was swirling as they pulled me down the hallway to the elevators. To the psych ward. To the drugs. To the straps. To the heartbeats. To the empty rooms. To the screaming.
To the dark.