January 8, 2016
Bruce, opens the fridge and takes out some beer. Suddenly, a shadowy figure of a young woman appears from the dark. "'I'm The Goddamned Batman'. You think you're the only superhero in the world? Mr. Wayne, you've become part of a bigger universe, you just don't know it yet." said the woman. "Stop copying Nick Fury and show yourself, bitch." he said, "Also I'm not Batman. Can't prove anything." The woman comes out from the shadow, saying, "Come on, man! I tried hard for that! I'm Amanda Waller, Director of Strategic Enforcement Agency League." "What is that, S.E.A.L.?" he asked. "Yes, precisely." she said. "So, black lady in a leather coat with an eye patch, the Director of S.E.A.L. comes to the world's most powerful man? RIP-OFF!!!!" he yelled. "Believe me, Mr. Wayne." she said, walking towards him, "Marvel ripped this world off." "Yeah... well this world rips off Marvel as well..." he said, as he opens a beer can and tries to drink it, as she then takes out her gun and shoots the can. He then opens the fridge and takes out another. She also shoots it. He then takes out the fridge and takes out another. She shoots it again. "It's a Friday night and I just slept with twelve women from my office. Can you please let me drink?" he asked. "I'm here to talk to you about the Retaliators Intia-...." "Sweet Jes-... RIP-OFF!!!" he yelled again, he then starts doings squats. "Look...There will be an attack tomorrow.... Aliens." she said, "And we're trying to find people powerful and skilled enough to defend us." "Where at?" asked Bruce, now doing some lunges, facing the other way. "Metropolis." she said, "Now... we need you to go on and beat these creatures... Some guy's coming... Name's... Steppenwolf? Whatever... We just need you to-.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!" "Exercising, 'cuz you're boring and I'm not Batman." she said. She then shows a hologram of him dressing as the Batman in the cave. "Come on... Don't worry. Only I know about this..." she said. "Doesn't prove nothing, mate..." he said. "Look, I know you don't really act like that." she said. "Yuh-huh this is the real me." he said. "I know that you're just doing that as a coping mechanism or at least a way to disguise the fact that you're mad. You're insane. A man with a grudge. A man with a wild obsession. A monster, who, in the end, is just an eight-year-old boy calling for his father in the alley." she said, as Bruce stops lunging and turns around to face her. He slowly stepped towards her. She starts walking back as she reaches for her gun. "You want to meet the real me?" he asked, as her back reaches the wall, "Okay. You're looking at him." She quickdraws and shoots at him, as he dodges, spins and tosses a batarang, catching her by her sleeve. "L-look... I know you don't kill people." she said. "One rule, yes." he said. "Does that include feminism as a thing?" she asked. "I'm not one of those idiots. If a woman were to hit me, I'll hit them back, harder, just like a man. No difference. People are all the same... and everyone's an idiot." he said, walking closer, "Now... Secret Agent... I heard your Agency doesn't give a shit about their members, not even their leaders... Got any family? I doubt it! Probably cut all ties from you. What makes you think that they'd remember you after I finish what I'd do to you?" "Kill me and the whole Government will destroy you!" she said. "I'm more powerful than Vladimir Putin." he said, as the Batarang creates some sort of device that cuffs her hands and legs to the wall, "I'm also The Goddamned Batman. What makes you think that you can arrest me?" "The clip..." she said. "You mean, this one?" he asked, holding the watch she used for the hologram. He smiles saying, "I'm just messing with you! Here." He returns the watch. "Fine... I'll join your little boy band." he said, removing the Batarang as the high-tech cuffs disintegrate while he walks away, "I require drinks in the trip. Didn't get to drink tonight. Your fault. Now get the hell out of my house."
January 9, 2016
"Zack Snyder... Edge Lord of Hollywood. Creator of Edgy MCU. Wrecker of your Most Beloved Characters. Bitch please... I'm way more edgier than his version of Ninjak... DAMN YOU SNYDER FOR RUINING BEN AFFLECK!!!" said Bruce having an iPod and headphones as he listens to music, "Holy shit this is such a terrible book!" "What book?" asked Jason, "Wow! The Greatest Heroes of the world... and I'm part of it!" "There are no such thing as true heroes, Robin." he said, "Don't get your hopes up." The two are in a large room like a huge living room from The Incredibles 2, in some sort of large helicarrier with 6 other people, all wearing their individual costumes. "By the way... Is this a *hiccup* Helicarrier?" asked Bruce, "RIP OFF!!!!" The eight all sit down quietly as Bruce keeps on drinking some sort of substance from a bottle. Suddenly, a hologram appears before them. "Batman. The Dark Knight. The Third Deadliest Man of the World. A madman with a wild obsession to destroy evil everywhere. Robin. Though seemingly useless, has the purpose to keep The Batman tamed. The Tick. A strange warrior with superhuman strength. Apparently he's called the Tick because he thinks it sounds cool. Legally insane. No one knows his true origin however, as his costume is stuck to his body. Impervious to anything and super strong. The Question, the man full of questions. A man obsessed with finding some sort of meaning. To know more about the world he does not understand. Blue Beetle. Guy found Scarab Beetle stone from Archaeological Site. Became... this weird superhero. The Shield. Once a comic artist back in the 1940's, and becomes experimented by the government and becomes a super soldier to aid the Americans against the Nazis. His father was the original donor, then his mother if he had complications. For some reason both died in a car accident. Frozen for years in ice in the North Pole. Unfrozen back in 2010. The Four Armed Terror. Hulk basically, but with four arms! Destroyed a city once." she said, showing a footage of him blasting away a city, "The Hood. I call him the Hood. An assassin I found in an island one time and saved him from these strange Assassins in some sort of League of a Shadow Nation." she said, as Bruce coughs, "Deathstroke, oh he and The Mask are absent. Anyways... the eight of you, must go to the now evacuated city of Metropolis and defeat the Parademons in the area. What are Parademons? We have no idea. But we do know that they could fly and they are ugly. Also... they're all undead animal-like extraterrestrials. They have no minds nor souls, if souls do exist. Feel free to kill them. Now, basically just go there, kill everyone, and close that weird portal in the sky."
"What weird portal in the sky?" asked Robin. The video switches to some sort of hole above a building called the Daily Planet. "Huh." said Robin. "Wait... we could die... It feels like you just made this some sort of video game... Why are you-???" said The Question. "One Point for every Parademon, 10 Points for every High Class Parademons, the taller ones, um... 100 points for every Giant Parademons... And get some guy named Steppenwolf... you win..." she said, "Good day." The hologram shuts off. "I feel like we're all going to die." said Robin. "Question. Are we going to die? Yes... yes we will." said The Question. "Do not worry, young one!" said The Tick, "Justice is always served to evil! Like a poisoned hamburger fed to Hitler! Get it? Both are German!" "I find that offensive." said The Shield, "I watched my parents machine gunned by Germans..." "Oh." said Batman, "I know how you feel..." "I know right?" cried the Shield, "It was me who was supposed to sacrifice himself to the Germans." "Look Captain America. I don't think that's very nice of *hiccup* you." said Batman. "I'm not Captain America." said The Shield. "Hahahah!" laughed the Blue Beetle, "You pieces of shit are going to die..." "I'm surrounded by idiots..." said The Hood. "I know right." said Bruce, "Wow you look really edgy. With that hood and weird... Mask... You look like Scare Crow... But with a hood. And bows and arrows. You look cool though." "I was also pertaining to you." said The Hood, "What are you going to do? Throw sharks at the enemy. Use Anti-Parademon Bat Spray?" "What about you?" asked The Batman, "What? You're going to shoot arrows at the spaceships? What are you? A Hawkeye ripoff?" "I'm the original." said The Hood, "And what are you? Black Panther meets Iron Man?" "Screw off, arrowhead." said Bruce. "F*ck off, Catman." said The Hood, "I called you that because your costume makes you look like a p*ssy." "Stop arguing." said Robin. "Heheh... Dumbasses." said Blue Beetle. "Yeah? Well you look like your girlfriend broke up with you and ended up with a guy like me... so you decided to become so edgy that you wore that and started practising archery. Archery's for nerds, by the way." "WHERE'S MY F*CKING LIP GLOSS?!" cried The Shield. "Question... Why are you being such a bitch right now?" asked The Question. "SPOOON!!!" cried the Tick. "Ugh..." sighed Jason. The Hood then says, "Archery is a beautiful art and fighting style that-..." "NEEEERD!!!" yelled Bruce. "This is not going to work." said Jason. The Four Armed Terror Grunts, saying, "Poop." The rest look at him. "Unlike you I save people in a much more orderly manner." said The Hood. "At least I'm not being such a over edgy emo piece of shit bitch who looks like he mugs *hiccup* old ladies." said Bruce. Suddenly Batman and The Hood jump out of their sits and face each other off.
"You did this for what, exactly? They could die, you know?" asked one of her men. Amanda looks out in the window, saying, "And for what reason? " she asked, "They are criminals, do you not know? They are no such thing as superheroes. I doubt they would survive those creatures. They are nothing more but cowards who wear masks. " "They're heroes." said the man. " They're celebrities. Jokes. They're criminals. They're selfish people who think they can hold the world by its neck as if it was their bitch. " said Amanda, turning around, "If they die... If they fail... we'll just send others. That is their punishment. They have no purpose. Now....Whatever happens to them is their fault. " "I'm sure they're good people!" said the man, " They're probably working together by now! "
The Batman and The Hood are having a brawl, fighting as the "heroes" around them cheers. "Stop!" cried Jason. The two throw blows at each other, kicking and punching, trying to beat one another. The Batman throws Batarangs as The Hood shoots three arrows, catching them all. The two keep on fighting until Jason shoots them with some taser bullets with his slingshot. "The both of you quit it!" cried Jason. "STOP BEING SO BOSSY YOU LITTLE BIATCH!!!" yelled Blue Beetle. "Question... Are you ruining the fight we were just watching? And another... Why do you care?" questioned The Question. "Look... I think that little autistic kid is trying to say that it could be any time that we reach Metropolis." said The Shield, "I think it would just be best if we just calm down for a bit. Now let me do my Cetaphil and ointment." "Yeah... I think I agree with Captain America." said The Batman. "I'm not... Ugh.." sighed The Shield. "I'm sorry for being a dick *hiccup* earlier... What do you say?" asked Bruce, preparing to shake hands with The Hood. The Hood, annoyed, slaps his hand away. He then walks to the couch and sits down. "Prick." said Bruce, as he hiccups once again. "Uh... guys..." said Jason. The eight arrive in Metropolis. Currently an empty ghost city. Suddenly the floor opens. They are then told to not take the parachutes and jump down yet. They do what is told, except for Bruce, who does the complete opposite. The rest, annoyed, especially The Hood and Robin, follow. "We're heroes... we can do this..." said Robin.
The seven land in the ghost city in some street called, "Elmer Street: The Street of Nightmares". "RIP... OFF!!!" cried Bruce, again, hiccuping. "Alright guys..." said The Shield, "Wait... where's The Blue Beetle?" "HELP!!!" he cried. They look up and see him tangled in the electric pole. "Someone get me down!" he cried. "I'm on it." said The Shield. "GO CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!" cried Bruce, drinking from the bottle again. Robin starts to become worried. The Shield, annoyed, throws his round shield by the electric post. It falls down, strangling Blue Beetle. "P-please!" he cried. "Don't worry!" cried Robin, "I'll help you!" Blue Beetle then cries, "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU AUTISTIC CHILD!!! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEP!!! Y-you know what? I don't need your help! I'll c-come down by myself, you damned f*ck." "Wait.. Garret? Dan Garret?" asked Bruce. "How do you know who I am?!" asked Blue Beetle. "You said 'damned f*ck' when you were arguing in court about why murdering your wife is fine." he said. "Wait.... What?" asked Robin. "Yeah... he killed his wife because apparently she did his coffee wrong. He was abusive for several years. He also has this explosive anger thing..." said Bruce. "C-can you shut up, now?" asked Blue Beetle. "Yeah... He is a freak..." said Bruce, "He even cheated on her and raped children in the stre-..." "I'LL F*CKING KILL YOU!!!" cried Garret, as the wires start to break, "I DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND O-..." He becomes electrocuted as the seven watch in horror, screaming, except for The Hood and The Batman, who are merely mesmerized by the phenomenon. His face explodes as the blood splatter everywhere. "Ah... the Scarab overcharged... He died how he lived." said Bruce, "Explosive...." Jason shakes his head and walks away with the others. The Scarab Beetle-like device lets go of its former master as it then flies away. "We are heroes... we can do this." said Jason.
The seven walk around in the ghost city. The Batman, Robin and The Hood start noticing scratching, screeching and buzzing noises from the buildings around them. "We're not alone..." said Robin. Suddenly, a huge wave of strange humanoid creatures with fangs and wings start flying to their direction. Robin gasps, saying, "Wait.... Chitauris?" "RIP OFF!!!!" cried Bruce, "SERIOUSLY!! RIP OFF!!!" "I'm pretty sure they're the original." said The Hood. "Retaliators... ACTION!!!" cried Bruce. "What the hell is that?" asked The Hood. "I mean... It's how we assemble... the... Whatever! Into that Building!" he cried. They then run into the building nearby that he pointed at, closing the door. The six stay inside. "Where's The Tick?" asked The Shield. The Tick is outside, dancing. Robin opens the door, crying, "MR. TICK!!! GET IN HERE!!!" The Tick then asks, "Can't you hear the disco music?" The Tick starts shaking his hips and pointing up and downwards, spinning and sliding, then doing the moonwalk. "He really is insane..." said Robin. Bruce then pulls him inside as the wave of Parademons swallow the "hero".
"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!" cried The Shield, "I DIDN'T LET MY PARENTS DIE TO DIE MYSELD LIKE THIS!!!" "Wait... again... WHAT?!" cried Robin. "Question... WHAT THE F*CK?!" "Big deal! I killed my parents so I would be chosen to become the Super Soldier... Come on! I did it for fame! Even you guys do it!" "Actually... I don't really do this for fame... I'm here to help people..." said Robin. "I'm just here to know more about the world." said The Question. The Four Armed Terror merely grunts. "I'm here because I was traumatized at a young age... And I made a promise to that person I lost to put a stop to crime and evil all together." said Bruce. "Same with him." said The Hood. "Great... just great!" cried The Shield, "I'm going to die with these... Boy Scouts!!!" "I don't think killing your parents is very nice... *hiccup*... Captain America." "I don't give a f*ck." said The Shield, "AND STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!" Suddenly, a Parademon comes out from behind. Bruce takes out a gun and shoots the insect-like humanoid Parademon in the head with a gun. "AH!!!" yelled Jason, "BATMAN! WHY?!" "AH!!!" screamed The Hood, "I though you don't use guns? What the f*ck man?! Were you not traumatized or something?" "Oh ho ho ho! No!" cried Bruce, "I'm not scared of using guns! What am I? 8?" "I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE BATMAN'S THING!" yelled The Question, "TO NOT USE GUNS!!!" "No... I'm scared of using guns on people!" said Bruce. "STILL!!!" yelled The Question, "WHAT HAPPENED TO NO KILLING?!" "*People!" said Bruce. The Parademon wakes up again as Bruce shoots it nine more times as the four scream. "I need to get outta here, man!" cried The Shield, "I'M 90-YEARS-OLD AND I HAVE RIGHTS!!!" "It's okay, Captain America. I'm with you." said Bruce. "JESUS!!! WHAT THE F*CK, MAN?!" asked The Hood. "And you were so cool and edgy before... Look at you now..." said Bruce. "I will personally KILL YOU if you don't stop..." said The Hood. "BATMAN, NO!!!! Also why do I smell beer?" yelled Jason. The Terror grunts some more. "This guy..." said The Question. "Hey, just saying, I don't support gun control." said Bruce. "Don't you mean you do support it?"asked Jason. "Yeah, that. Whatever." said Bruce. "LOOK OUT, BATMAN!!!" yelled Jason. Bruce shoots twelve other Parademon's to death. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GUN?!" asked The Question. "Oh, Question! You and your various questions!" said Bruce, taking out a carrot and eating it. "Where did you get that carrot?!" asked Question. "Look, just remember that I'm one of you guys. You could trust me." said Bruce. "STOP USING THAT GUN!!!" yelled The Archer, "IT ATTRACTS MORE OF THEM!!!!" "Yeah, well they're not people!" said Bruce, "They're weird, zombie mosquitoes." "Look out Batman!" screamed Jason. Bruce shoots 25 more as The Question just facepalms. "What are you, some idiot who doesn't know that Bangladesh is a country?" asked the Archer. "It is?" asked Bruce, "That's weird! Right, Captain America?" " FOR THE NTH TIME!!! I'M NOT F*CKING CAPTAIN AMERICA!!! I'M THE ORIGINAL!!! I'M THE SHIELD!!! SHIELD!!! GET ME THE F*CK OUTTA HERE!!!! I DIDN'T KILL MY PARENTS FOR NOTHING!!!!" yelled The Shield, running outside to the Parademons. They sense his fear and start decapitating his body parts, tearing his limb off, his rib cage, his spine and other bodily organs and eating him. "CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!" yelled Bruce, gargling his voice, "NOOO!!!! HE WAS PEOPLE!!!!" "Batman... Oh my God.... You're drunk, aren't you?" asked Jason. "What? Nah..." said Bruce. "Crap... Welp... We're dead." said Jason, "Also, That wasn't Captain America. I think he called himself the Shield." said Jason. "Really? Huh." said Bruce, "Never spoke up about it." "Stop drinking." said Jason. "No." said Bruce, taking out some beer and drinking some more.
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!" cried The Question. Suddenly several more Parademons came. Bruce tries to shoot them, though he ran out of bullets. He then prepares some more bullets as The Hood shoots them all one by one. A 10 Pointer then came, about 8-feet tall. The Hood then shoots a tied arrow to it, grapples himself to it and hit it. As it swings at The Hood, he flips and dodges. His bow then becomes a spear as he then spins around, charges and stabs it in the face, killing it. Bruce finishes the gun and shoots all the Parademons on sight. Jason takes out his slingshot and turns it into a crossbow. He then shoots at several Parademons as well. The Question takes out a Crowbar and beats them. The Four Armed Terror then decides to smash several of them. Suddenly a Hundred pointer appears and attacks the Four Armed Terror. The two brawl as they throw blows so hard that it nearly destroys the first floor. Batman then turns on his new Mecha Bat Armor and carries Robin, The Hood and The Question out. The Four Armed Terror snaps the 100 Pointer's neck and follows the four, jumping around each building. The two then get absorbed in a spaceship. The Hood and The Question get knocked out by some of the rubble trancing about the beam.
January 11, 2016
"Okay..." said Robin, "It's been two days, Batman's still drunk-..." "The, Batman..." said Bruce, still listening to music from the iPod, " Hey... I just met you... I have a feeling that this will be a terrible year, 2016... " "...also his suit's busted. The Shield, The Tick and The Blue Beetle are dead, we're trapped in this weird spaceship, The Four Armed Terror can't seem to open the cell we're in The Question and The Hood are knocked out... AND I'M FREAKING OUT!!!" cried Jason. "Boy... keep it down... They're sleeping..." said Bruce. Jason then, snapping, charges at Bruce and starts punching him in the face. "WHY, DID, YOU, A-GREE, TO, THIS?!" he cried, as he pushes him down, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! YOU F*CKING IDIOT!!! YOU GOT THEM KILLED!!!" "Finally stood up for yourself." said Bruce, "I'm prou-..." Jason punches his face some more, saying, "ARE YOU INSANE?!!! WHY DID YOU BRING US IN THE SKY?!!!" "Well for one thing, it's actually Waller's fauly... and for another... It's all part of my plan..." said Bruce. Jason slaps him like he slapped him in chapter two. "HOW?!" "I... learned this from the Avengers... I learned we need a weapon to close the portal..." said Bruce. "THAT'S, JUST, A, MOVIE!!!" he cried, saying one word for every slap. "Kid... trust me... Steppenwolf has a weapon... I just know it... We just need to get to the pla-..." The ship shakes. The windows then open. Outside shows a land of heat and lava. The skies are orange and dark blue, fire dragons fly around, and spaceships zoom in the sky. The ship they are on zooms toward a large dark castle. Surprisingly, this is because of the great amount of oxygen. Suddenly, a speaker opens muttering electric noises and Transformers noises, then saying, "Welcome to Apokolips, slaves." The five are brought into the prison. They are all trapped in some sort of cell. "Steppenwolf wants your leader." said a robot that walked by in the area. Bruce then says, "That's me." "Wait, what?" asked Jason. Bruce is taken out and is brought away. "We're heroes..." said Robin, "We can do this."
"Hello?" asked Bruce, as his voice echoes in the halls of the dark castle, "I'm here... I'm The Batman..." "Well, well... if it izun't ze Voice Gargler of Gozam." said a voice. The castle's interiors spreads darkness in the area. "I heard you are one of zose hypocrite zuperheroez... Ve vere expecting you, ja?" he asked his army. "Heil, Steppenvulf!" cried the army, seemingly in the room. "Who are you and what do you want with our planet..." said Bruce.
"Over here!" cried a hooded figure with a familiar voice. He breaks open the jail cell and calls them out. "Who are you?" asked Jason, as the Terror brings the two knocked out heroes in his arms. The hooded figure removes his hood, saying, "It is I... THE TICK!!! HERE TO SAVE YOU FROM THE DEPTHS OF MADNESS... I PROMISE YOU, NO ONE ELSE WILL DIE!!!" Suddenly three 100 Pointers take the Terror. The Terror throws The Hood and The Question to The Tick as Parademons mount over him. He then starts fighting them off. "He can handle this." said The Tick, "I think he will find your weird vampire friend." Robin nods, saying, "Okay." as the two carry the other two and try to find an exit.
"Anyways..." said Steppenwolf walking out of the darkness, "I am here to help my nephew save ze Cosmo. His name is Uxas... The God of Destruction in ze first Cosmo." "Are you seriously going to tell me your plan right now?" asked Bruce, "Huh... *hiccup*... Classic Super Villain." Suddenly the Four Armed Terror crashes in the door and attack Steppenwolf. Bruce then says, "Now you're going to beat him up and let him live as an exam-..." Steppenwolf snaps his neck, takes out his battleaxe and hacks the poor creature's body to pieces. "NO!!! HE WAS PEOPLE AS WELL!!!" cried Bruce. "What about Blue Beetle?" asked Prometheus. "Yeah?" asked the other deep voice. "What about Blue Beetle?" "Now... Vhere vere ve?" asked Steppenwolf, as he snaps his fingers and both disappear
Dun... Dun, dun... Dulun... Dun... Dun... Dune... (D...D, D. A-G...Fm, E, D... )
(SS+JL+TA)
Steppenwolf: I, you see, am one of ze New Gods. Zhe latest yeneration of ze Old Gods.. Ze now deceased Olympians and Asgardians. A race of varriors who has ze power called ze Omega effect, giving you ze control on all the Infinity Elements. Ze Force, Speed Force, Mind Force, Phoenix Force, Ki and ze Magic...
Batman: "You look like a gay French guy with a German accent trying to cosplay as Loki. Didn't even get the weapon right."
Steppenwolf: "I take it zat is dead? Zis day extracts a heavy toll. Still, he accomplished his mission."
Batman:"Can I go now?Can you just give me that Battleaxe? Or I'll have to fight you for it..."
S: "Vhere do you zink I brought you?"
Batman:"Let me guess. Your home?"
GG: "It vas. And it vas beautiful. It vas like most planets. Too many mouths, not enough to go around. And vhen ve faced extinction, I helped offered a solution."
Batman: "You made a cosplay comic con?" GG: "Yes... I mean, nein!" Batman: "You made cookies for your French boyfriend?" GG: "Nein! Shut up! Are you drunk?" Batman: "No... I'm Batman... *Hiccup*...You kissed your boyfriends' boo boos?" GG:"Genocide! By God... Take in your beer properly!" Batman: "Kay." GG:"At random. Dispassionate, fair. Zhe rich and poor alike. And zhey called me ze madman. And vhat I predicted, came to pass."
Batman: "Congratulations. France-Germany was right. I'm sorry... I can't take you seriously vith jour Yerman Accent."
GG: "I'm a survivor."
Batman: "Can I go now? I mean... also give me your battle axe? And by the way... Why would some guy do genocide on a planet?"
GG "F*ckin'! I DID IT!!! Zhen zhat filthy mongrel of a Nephew of mine stole ze zrone from me!"
Batman: "Oh, okay. Uh... Yeah... You need *Hiccup* professional help."
GG: "Vith all , I could simply snap my fingers. zhey vould all cease to exist. I call zhat... mercy. I only took your pathetic planet to practise my yenocide.... After that... I'll take ze zrone for myself from my own nephew... absorb his pover and use zhat pover to save zhe universe."
Batman: "Okay... Uh... Yeah... I... Hahahahhaha!!! I just can't take you seriously! I'm sorry! It's just that you look, so, so gay... I'm sorry... Haha... Oh.. I'm so hungover... oh.. Ow... My head..."
GG: "In zhe end, I finally rest. And vatch zhe sun rise on a grateful universe. The hardest choices require the strongest wills."
Batman: "I think you'll find my balls equal to yours."
GG:"You?"
Batman: "Wait.... Why don't you just double the resources?"
GG: "How could you possibly-... Vait vhat?"
Batman: "Since you have power all over reality, can't you make it accessible to the population? And can't you just build another planet for each world... Counting the theory that a universe is technically infinite *Hiccup* spaced. Also... since you're a New God... Can't you just train harder to become more powerful? Like Hercules? I heard the next Generations are usually stronger. Also.... I know that this is crushing your dreams... but what if you DON'T kill anyone... and instead try to make a utopia?"
"Anyways..." said Jason, "I don't think we should leave Bruce..." The Hood, now woken up, shoots at the Parademons and robots chasing them. The Question tries to hack in the alien computer, trying to learn the controls. "Luckily I learned ancient Greek back in Grade School. Oddly they use Ancient Greek for communication." he said. The Tick just sits in the corner playing with spoons he found. Robin helps The Hood in shooting. "I found it!" cried The Question, turning on the ship. "What about Batman?" asked Robin. "We'll worry about that later!" cried The Hood. They then open a portal to 'Gaia' as they charge towards the portal about several kilometers away. "My calculations were a bit.... inaccurate..." said The Question, as the four scream.
Steppenwolf dislocates Bruce's shoulder and throws him across the throne room. He then takes out his axe. "How dare you..." said Steppenwolf, "Mocking me..." "I'm pretty sure I just tried to h-help you..." said Bruce, before Steppenwolf kicks him across the room. "F*CK YOU!!! HOW DARE YOU DO ZHIS TO ME?!!! ZHAT VAS VHAT I BELIEVED IN!!! I BELIEVED IN ZHAT SOLUTION!!!" he cried. "I'm pretty sure that plan was shit from the start." said Bruce, secretly pressing buttons in his watch, "You're just angry because you Genocided your entire race... I'm thinking it's both the Olympians and Asgardians? I'm also thinking that you somehow made that permanent death through... A spell of some sort? Maybe an eternal all powerful spe-..." Steppenwolf charges as his Mech Bat Armor turns on and brawls with the New God. He starts to cry, saying, "I killed my own... Fazer and Mozer...." "Congratulations... You're officially an idiot..." said Bruce. "Hey... if you punch yourself and you get hurt... would that make you strong or weak?" asked Steppenwolf. "That would make you stupid." replied Bruce. "Why the f*ck are you so insensitive about me?" asked Steppenwolf, still struggling to push Bruce. "Because you killed *hiccup* several races for your own retarded excuse of salvation... Ignoring every known other solutions to the problem that may have a more positive effect and a better chain reaction..." said Bruce, "Like a.. Mad Tita-... Oh... God... RIP OFF!!!" Steppenwolf punches him and brings him down to the ground. Bruce throws everything at him, Knight Stars, explosive Bat Sprays... well.. that was mostly it... Bruce throws jabs, hooks and several other punches to Steppenwolf, spin kicking him as well. Bruce then takes the axe from Steppenwolf's hands and slices his cheek with it. "All that for a drop of bloo-..." Bruce then axes his balls. "And your balls." said Bruce. He then takes it out as the leftover squishy reproductive organs pull out from his crotch, like sticky pink glue. Steppenwolf then says, "You should've vent for ze he-..." "HEAD!!!" cried Bruce, electrocuting his face by grabbing it with his metal glove and switching some sort of button on on his watch, though Steppenwolf doesn't scream. Steppenwolf, keeps still on the ground, completely motionless. He then steals his battleaxe and flies away out the castle. A large squeaky scream can be heard across the planet.
"What was that?" asked Robin. "Probably two space dragons having sex." said The Tick. "How do you know?" asked Robin. "Silence, Book I Sakura." said The Tick, "Look... You just have to learn to shut your mouth, Arthur." "Who the heck's Sakura and Arthur?" asked Robin.
They finally reach the top of the daily planet. They then reach the building. The Hood jumps out of the ship and rides a Giant 100 Pointer Parademon, killing the surrounding Parademons as they then follow the man while he drives around on the 100 Pointer, serving as a distraction. The three then see a machine in the middle of the roof. "Don't worry! We'll handle the evil butterflies!" cried The Tick, "Go, stupid detective." "Wait why am I stupid?" asked The Question. "Stupid people ask stupid questions!" cried The Tick, "Come, cliched voice of reason sidekick! Let us defend the machine!" The Tick goes on and fight the Parademons that come near as Robin helps out by shooting the other Parademons with his Arm Crossbow.
The Hood goes is then pushed off as he then shoots a grappling arrow to the building as he then pulls himself up to the roof of the building as the rope retracts. The Parademons follow. The Hood then takes out some sort of bomb and throws it to the Parademons below him. He then shoots at the bomb midair as it then explodes, killing hundreds of Parademons and destroying the building, as it topples down to three more buildings, having a domino effect. The four tall buildings end up down on the ground. The Hood then begins to fall until The Batman catches him. "Congratulations." said Bruce, "You truly did help save people in a much more orderly manner." "Put me down." said The Hood. "Kay..." said Bruce, dropping him down. "You like that? You like how you're falling and you have no power of stopping it?" asked Bruce with a surprisingly deeper voice and creepier eyes as The Hood silently lets himself fall. "You're no fun." he said, grabbing The Hood as Parademons start following them. Bruce then throws a red blinking Shattered Knight Star, as it then explodes, killing hundreds of Parademons also. "I'll carry you.. You shoot." said Bruce. "Who made you the leader?" asked The Hood. "What? you're offended because you're black?" asked Bruce. "How did you-..." said The Hood, "You couldn't have checked under my mask... It's made of Promethium.. my costume..." "I know who you are." said Bruce, "I know because you acted no different from that party we had 10 years ago... No different from when you were 7... How shameful... A teenager and already murdering people..." "Wait..." sai Oliver, "Bruce?" "Yeah..." said Bruce, "Ollie..." The Hood, annoyed, then follows him and shoots at the Parademons.
The Question finally opens the device's mainframe. "Okay..." said The Question, "What now?" "Learn how to close the portal!" cried The Tick. "Okay..." said The Question. "Wow! What an amazingly stupid person! Don't you think so, seemingly homosexual boy?" asked The Tick to Robin. "Just shut up and KILL THEM!!!" cried Jason.
Bruce mutters some equations. "Do you have an arrow that spins?" asked Bruce. The Hood nods. "Hey... give me that arrow." said The Batman, as The Hood handed him an arrow. The Batman then takes out a rope from his utility belt. He then ties a Batarang into one end and the tip of the arrow on the arrow. "Shoot it." he said. The Hood shoots the arrow, as it spins like a tetherball as it the rope grows longer. Bruce then presses a button in his watch as the rope glows red and slaughters all the parademons before them.
"We aren't heroes." said Robin, "Seriously... almost half of us just died! W-we can't do this! We don't deserve to win..." "Don't worry!" cried The Tick, "So what if we are never heroes? Hell! Your mentor's a narcissistic insane jerk in a batsuit, you're kind of a nerd in tights who uses a slingshot, that archer is another narcissistic jerk, but this time looks edgy and shoots arrows, that guy is a stupid detective that asks stupid questions, while I am mentally insane! We're circus freaks... And that's okay! Who cares if we're outsiders!" he cried, punching the giant 100 Pointer and snapping it's neck, "Sure we aren't as mighty as those heroes you see in the comics... But what do we care? We're our own thing! Sure we're terrible characters and unrelatable psychopaths... Sure we fail more than those guys in the comics, but at least we hit just as hard as they can... At least we mean well! At least we still fight for what we think is right! Boy! Remember..." Jason looks at The Tick with hope, as he says... "SPOOOOOO-!!!!" A Parademon stabs him in the chest from behind as he falls down from the top of the building.
Batman and The Hood land on the building. The two brawl against the several Parademons. "Why are you even here, Bruce. For vengeance?" asked The Hood as he snaps the three Parademons' head, "For fame? For your own selfish desire to win? A selfish obsession?" "Yes..." said Bruce, throwing Stars at the Parademons and pummeling down those that come too close, "I don't even know if I'm still doing the right thing at this point." "So do I." said The Hood. Suddenly, one of the Parademons also stab Oliver with a spear as he is then pushed down from the building. "No!" cried Bruce, following him down trying to catch him, "HE WAS PEO-!!!"
Bruce blacks out. He is alone. "Where am I?" asked Bruce, "Okay! I get it! I suck as a superhero... I never even considered myself as a superhero... Not super neither hero! I'm an asshole! I get it, Prometheus! Can I go back to reality now?" "Hello, Batman!" said some sort of familiar voice. "Stan Lee?" asked Bruce. Suddenly he appears in front of Bruce. "What are you doing here? Are you a hallucination of some sort?" asked Bruce. "Excelsior, Batman!" he cried, "Why are you so down?" "Because I got drunk in the mission and kind off gotten everyone killed?" asked Bruce. "Actually it was Waller's fault." said Stan Lee. "I know, right?!" cried Bruce. "I know why you're down!" he cried, "You think you're the problem! You think you're not good enough, hm?" "I still have no idea how this moment is currently happening..." said Bruce. "Heroes make mistakes! But... remember what Uncle Ben said to Spider-Man?!" asked Stan Lee. "You're changing and I had exactly the same thing at your age?" asked Bruce. "No!" cried Stan Lee, "Was that a puberty joke?" Bruce nods. "Oh!" said Bruce, as the two say together, "With great power comes great responsibility..." "But i don't have any powers!" cried Bruce. "Yeah? Well... You still have to he responsible..." said Stan Lee, "Bruce... You have so many things wrong with your character..." he continued as Bruce frowns, "But... you just gotta grow... Sure you're a hero of darkness... But-..." "You'll finally write a Batman story?" he asked. "No." said Stan Lee, "I did that already.... never worked out. Are you of colored race?" "No." said Bruce. "Oh!" cried Stan Lee, "That's quite the controversy if you're unmasked, then." "It's fine." said Bruce. "But you're The Batman!" said Stan Lee, "You just gotta learn how to be a better person. You have so much potential! Just learn from your mistakes and be what Jason calls you and your teammates. Learn to care about people's well-being... Tell your boy band to be who you must be... Heroes." Bruce smiles, saying, "Thank you, Stan Lee! I'm the bat, but you're the man!" "Excelsior, Bruce Wayne, AKA The Batman!" cried Stan Lee, "Heroes Do what you do best, Batman!"
Bruce returns to reality. He's still falling, facing The Hood. "Do what I do best..." whispered Bruce. He then shoots his grappling hook and hooks The Hood's heel. He then pulls him up and catches him. "It's going to be okay, Ollie." said Bruce, "I'm just going to have to find a way to... Oh yeah... The Battleaxe... forgot about that." Bruce takes it out and flies toward the Daily Planet. Bruce then attaches small rockets unto the smaller blade of the axe.
"We are all going to die!" cried Robin, about to get killed. The Question, currently crawling and bleeding on the ground, tries to finish the command, trying to close the portal. "HOW DO YOU TURN THIS OFF?!" asked The Question. "Did you try turning it off, and on again?" asked Robin. "Was that a reference to something?" asked The Question. "Sorry..." said Robin, killing several more Parademons. "I got it!" cried the Question, "You just go into this window, got to settings, then shut this off... then exit... press undo... then shut down!" "Where the hell did that even come from?" asked Robin, "I mean, who made this? Bill Gates?"
Meanwhile...Somewhere in Medina...
Bill Gates counting several trillion dollars: "They'll never know..."
Back in the fight...
The Tick then returns, riding several ticks from elow the building. "I have returned!" cried The Tick. He is then thrown upwards by the ticks. Robin then smiles as he is thrown towards the rooftop from the ground. Suddenly he hits a Parademon and falls back down. "SPOON!!!" he cried, before crashing down. "Hm..." said Robin. "Great!!!" cried The Question, "Now I just have to press this butto-..." "RAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!" screamed The Batman, throwing The Hood on the roof as he smashes the Battleaxe unto the device. "NO!!!" cried The Question. The Parademons all suddenly die as the portal closes. "WE COULD'VE STUDIED IT!!!" cried The Question. "That was the complete opposite of what I just told you!" cried an echoing voice in the Cosmos. "Trust me... That was responsible. If they did get their hands on the machine they would've opened another portal... They would've done some f*cked up shit in the universe with it." said Bruce, staring at the Daily Planet logo. "Good job, then." said Lee. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!" asked the Question. "It's okay..." said Robin, "We could still-..." The device then explodes, creating a shockwave that pushes the heroes aback. "Hm." said Robin. "Thanks Stan Lee!" cried Batman. "Excelsior, Batman!" he cried, forming a thumbs up in the sky as The Question rants at Bruce, with Robin facepalming, The Hood still bleeding on the ground and The Tick dancing, screaming, "The music is gone, but I'm still dancing!"
In Apokolips...
"Silence..." whispered Uxas, stabbing Steppenwolf. "I did nicht mean to, Uxas. Zhat vas purely... JAH!!!" Uxas crushes his legs. "Again with your salvation theory... Life is all meaningless, Uncle... You even influenced my failure of a son... teaching him about 'mercy'... Only the strongest may, quote unquote, 'live'... By the Gods, I even healed your crotch..." he said, walking away, "The ones below the strongest have no right to do so... Besides... we are all going to die, as life does not matter. Life is just a mere chemical reaction in the smallest speck of dust in another small speck of dust, within yet another speck of dust, and so on. I even wrote and equation to prove it. That is why I am the most powerful of those who wield the Omega effect, unlike my son, who tries to do so by collecting... Haha!!! Pieces of rocks... How pathetic... Glad that boat sailed a long time ago... Now... clean the throne room, uncle... or you will sleep with the Shinigamis and Hunger Dogs tonight." Steppenwolf starts crying. He then sees a small rectangle device on the ground with headphones. It's the iPod. He then puts the headphones on his head. He then starts to tilt his head up and down, then move his hands, then his body, as he then starts moving his hips, as he then starts to dance...
"I'm not surprised by an old colony to be capable of defending itself and closing a portal..." said Uxas, opening a hologram, but he then sees Bruce "defeat" Steppenwolf, "However... This one... does not seem to fail to impress me..."
January 17, 2016
"This book's still *hiccup*... shit..." said Bruce, "I'm a bit drunk... but I think I'm back to normal...." "Ugh..." sighed Jason. Bruce, The Question still masked, Jason, The Tick and Oliver all sit down on the couch. "Is it fine that The Question is here?" asked Robin, "I mean, The Tick is fine... because, you know... but The Question is..." "It's fine that you're unmasked with me." said The Question, "I can't see anything!" "Huh..." said Bruce. "BREAKING NEWS!!!" cried the Newsman, "THE RETALIATORS!!! A CRIMINAL VIGILANTE GROUP JUST WORSENED THE CRISIS WE HAD IN METROPOLIS!!! REPORTS SAY THE BLACK PANTHER, MIDGET MUGSTER, HAWKEYE, CAPTAIN AMERICA, A BLUE IRON MAN, RORSCHACH, FOUR ARMS AND THE TICK SEEMED TO HAVE QUOTE UNQUOTE 'DEFENDED' THE CITY OF METROPOLIS!!!" "Black Panther?" asked Bruce. "Hawkeye?" asked The Hood. "Quote unquote?" asked The Question. "The Tick?!" asked The Tick. Jason just sighs. "THEY'VE DONE MASSIVE DAMAGE, INCLUDING FOUR BUILDINGS..." "Ha!" laughed Bruce. " AND AN EXPLOSION DESTROYING NEARLY ALL OF DAILY PLANET!!! " "Heheheh..." laughed the Hood. "AMANDA WALLER, AKA THE WALL, DIRECTOR OF S.E.A.L. STATED THAT THEY WILL BE HUNTED DOWN IMMEDIATELY!!!" "WHAT?!" asked The Question, "But we saved the whole world from genocide!" cried The Question, "They used us to get our hands dirty for their own decisions!" "Question." said Bruce. "IT'S LIKE THEY ONLY NOTICE WHAT'S BAD ABOUT US!!! WHY?!! DON'T THEY CARE ABOUT ANYTHING WE DID FOR THEM?!!!" asked The Question. "Question..." said Bruce. "ARE THEY REALLY THAT SHITTY FOR THEIR HEROES?!!! ARE THEY REALLY THAT INSENSITIVE, UNGRATEFUL, VILE-!!!" "QUESTION!!!" cried Bruce. "WHAT?!!!" asked The Question. "Excelsior." said Bruce. The Question stops, sighs, and continues "watching". The five sit quietly. "Wanna watch slash listen to Marvel movies?" asked Bruce. The rest nods. He then switches to Iron Man. " I can't remember anything from last week...Whatever happened to The Shield?" asked Bruce, "He's like one of my favorite superheroes." The rest look at him as Jason facepalms a screams in a pillow.
"Excelsior!"
-(Stan Lee, 1922-2018)