Chapter 49:
- Niall’s POV –
Thursday afternoon:
…it’s been three days.
Harry’s called me a million times. Texted me two million. Inboxed me three.
I can’t answer.
I’m a terrible human being.
He must be freaking out.
But I can’t-
I mean-
…
November.
No-fucking-vember.
He’s liked me for that god damn lo-
No, that’s not even the worst part. It’s been eight months.
That’s enough time for love.
He’s probably in fucking love with me.
I can’t do this.
Love? I’m seventeen for Christ’s sake.
We’ve been dating for three weeks.
Who the hell could be expected to fall in love in three bloody weeks?!
Six fucking months for me is even a stretch.
This isn’t Disney no one falls in love that quick it’s not logical it doesn’t happen it doesn’t make sense and fuck, fuck, fuck Louis and Liam for trying to screw with us by saying that shit and making me find this out in the first place I can’t- I mean I won’t- what the fuck, fuckety, fuck fuck fuck am I supposed to do how the hell can I handle this and Harry, shit what about Harry he’s going to be so damn mad at me for avoiding him and what am I going to say I mean I’m a shit ass actor I can’t act natural around him anymore it’s fucked we’re fucked it’s all fucked to hell fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuc-
*Knock knock*
“...Ni..?” Harry murmured.
My entire brain stopped. I don’t think I even breathed or felt my heart beat until Harry knocked again.
“...Ni..all? ...can- can I come in..?” He pushed.
He sounds fucking terrified and that’s just brilliant because now we’re both fucking terrified and what the hell am I going to say to him why is he here god damn it why did he have to come her-
I heard the latch on my door click and the creak as it swung open.
I’m currently standing in the middle of my room, fists clenched around my hair, facing the wall away from my door and probably making the most painful, unattractive face I can muster right now.
What the hell do I say?
What the hell do I do?
I can’t look at him.
I can’t face him.
I can’t hurt him.
What.
Do.
I.
Do.
?????????????
Harry coughed behind me but I refused to turn around. I think it was more of a nerves thing for him though than an attempt at getting my attention.
And now I’ve just realised I can see our reflections in my mirror and it’s absolutely the last thing I need right now.
Harry cleared his throat again.
“...can you tell me what I’ve done..? Or what’s got you freaked? Or-“
Harry’s taken a step closer and now I can make out his face properly and he looks on the verge of tears. And going by the tenseness hanging in the air all around the room and in between us, I don’t really blame him. I snapped and span around and looked him straight in the eye, just like that.
He didn’t see me coming.
“Do you love me?” I asked, straight out, fists clenched at my sides, voice as strong as I can make it.
Harry’s body actually jerked at the question.
He stopped moving, breathing, even blinking and stared back at me until I forced up some more courage and tried again:
“Are you in love with me?!” I demanded. Fuck why do I sound so pissed at him it’s not his fault it’s fucking everything else’s fault for making me notic-
Harry swallowed thickly and took a step back.
He looks terrified.
Like I’m suddenly the only person in the world he never wants to see again or even hear mentioned in his presence and it’s absolutely heart breaking.
Don’t look at me like that.
Don’t ever look at me like that.
“Harr-“
“...yeah.” Harry choked. His huge, strong hands are shaking and the way his shoulders are hunched over makes him seem so, so small. And it’s breaking my heart a hundred times over to see someone so perfect suddenly begin to fall apart in front of me in slow motion. His whole body’s starting to shudder. “Yeah, yeah I am.” He whispered.
It’s the absolute worst timing for it but I went bright red none the less and had to look at my shoes to avoid looking at him instead.
Like what the hell am I supposed to say to that?
Why the hell did he come here and why the hell of all things did I confront him about it?
“Ah... s-sorry, I-I’ll-” Harry choked. I felt my breath catch in the back of my throat. “I-I’ll sh-show myself out I mean it’s not fair on you to be the bad guy and-“
What?
“A-And have to kick me out s-so I-I’ll just leave and y-you can go b-b-back to how you were before I fucked it up by ki-kissing you a-and-“
“...what..?” I cut in.
I’ve just looked back up at Harry and he’s got bloody tears streaming down his face and he’s trying to stumble back with those clumsy legs of his and run away from me as fast as he can and out my door and from what he’s just said, probably never come back and I can’t deal with that.
I lunged for him and grabbed his wrist as he was mid turn and tried to yank him back to face me. His body spun but he kept his face shielded away.
“What did you just say?!” I snapped. Harry tensed and went to look back at me then forced himself to look away again.
“Ah... N-Ni just, just please, fuck, let me go I c-can’t be here anymor-“
“Why can’t you be here anymore?!” I panicked.
Harry snapped his head to face me and I really, really don’t want to have this conversation, all I want to do is kiss him and make him laugh until those puffy cheeks and red eyes go away. Harry’s already yelling back at me though so that’s not an option here.
“I said it last time, didn’t I?!” He snapped. “If I’m not with you then I can’t be near you Ni I’m a fucking wreck-!”
Why are you upset? I’m supposed to be the one upset. You’re the stable one you don’t get to be upset.
I can’t stand this.
Don’t look at me like that.
“-Who the hell said you can’t be with me?!” I screamed. “Who?! Who?! Tell me fucking who?!”
“No one!! But you don’t love me back and that fucking says it all doesn’t i-“
“What does that matter?!”
“What do you mean?! I don’t get you, Ni!”
“If I love you or not, what does it fucking matter?! Why are you leavi-?!”
“-Because it’s what happens, Ni!! When someone doesn’t get it said back this is what happens and I can’t fucking stay here and listen to you end it so I’m leaving before you say it alou-!“
Through the middle of that sentence Harry had spun back around and taken off for the door again with me still grabbing on to him and I kind of broke down a little. I may have lunged at him and punched him right in the face.
The moment my fist hit his jaw Harry flew back and into my door and slammed it shut. If I was calm right now I’d be kissing his entire face to make it better and apologising til my lips bleed but I’m still hyped up. So instead I’m grabbing his collar and pinning him to the wood and probably looking completely insane as I do it. I mean I just knocked him to the ground for crying out loud.
“WHO SAYS IT’S WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN?!” I screamed. Harry’s stopped crying, probably out of fear, and still staring back at me with wet cheeks and now a hand cupping his jaw and well, actually, more stun than fear, surprisingly. “WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO LOSE YOU?!”
Thank god no one’s home or Mum would already be trying to break my door down in a hysteria.
“WHY DO WE HAVE TO BREAK UP WHO THE FUCK SAYS WE HAVE TO BREAK UP?!” I panicked.
“Wha-What are yo-?“ Harry choked.
“-Idiot!!” I screamed.
The both of us seemed to have a moment.
Harry seemed to realise I wasn’t trying to break up and I realised he needs an explanation if I want him to put up with me after I’ve just gone full on psycho on him. He’s currently staring back at me with his wide eyes and his beautifully wrecked, tear stained face and oh god how on Earth could I ever hit you? I tightened my grip on his shirt and leant my head against his shoulder.
“...who fucking says?” I winced.
We’ve hit each other a thousand times before but never when we were dating and shit, I probably punched any love he had for me right out of him just now.
“W-Wait, s-so y-you don’t wanna b-break up th-then..?“ Harry stuttered. If he’s mad about me hitting him then I guess I’ll be yelled at somewhere in the near future, apparently.
“-Idiot..!” I winced again. “Break up with you..? Are you fucking mental?!”
He’s such an idiot he’s such a fucking idio-
“Why the fuck would I break up with you?! You just told me you loved me!!”
I kind of want to pull back and get a look at his face but I’m too scared to do it.
“Idiot!!” I winced again.
I’m so mental right now I can’t even control what embarrassing shit I’m beginning to spew out.
“You did something so absolutely terrifying just now and you think I’m going to leave you for it?! You’re fucking mental!! You’re a stupid, idiotic, fucking wanker! Don’t you ever assume something like that about me again! You got that?!”
Harry’s pulled his hand away from his face.
He’s probably about to slap me with it.
“You think I of all people would dump you for taking such a huge chance and putting everything out there like that?!”
My voice is shaking.
“You think I’d reject you for being so damn fucking brave?! You could’ve just lied! You’re bloody mental!!”
I’m so damn frustrated.
“Why on Earth would I leave you when you’ve just gone and risked everything for me?!”
Hurry and slap me you idiot, make me shut up.
“Idiot!!” I winced again. “Stupid, idiotic, fucking, idio-!“
Harry’s grabbed my face and yanked it up to face him so he could kiss me.
Here, on the floor, in my room practically in the dark because it’s raining outside and I’m too lazy to change my light bulb, after I’ve just hit him, with a swollen cheek, he’s actually kissing me.
Maybe I’m not going to be slapped.
I closed my eyes and kissed back.
I’m making our summer break fantastic so far, aren’t I?
“...I get it.” Harry mumbled. He’s pulling me in closer and I’m sitting up more to let him. “I’m sorry for assuming... okay?”
Idiot.
“Idiot.” I muffled. “...I’m the one who should be apologising.”
Harry smiled against my lips and god damn it feels like I haven’t seen that smile in years. I climbed onto his lap and took his face in my hands and let him take the lead. Harry’s smile faded and he grabbed my waist to pull me closer.
“...you were planning to hide it from me until I got there too, weren’t you?” I murmured. I can feel his skin under my hand on the side I punched burning like wildfire. Damn it Niall.
“...yeah, but...” Harry mumbled. “...wasn’t sure we’d get to that part to begin with, though.”
I sighed and broke away to start kissing over where I’d hit as soft as I can. Harry groaned and tilted his head back.
“...I’m not saying I’m sure I’ll get there but...” I continued. “...but please stick around and give me the chance, yeah?”
Harry groaned again and put a hand to the back of my head and pulled me back up to kiss me. His hand on my waist has turned into a full arm around it and even though he’s starting to crush me, I don’t think it’s tight enough. Then again it doesn’t seem like he’s going to let me pull back anytime soon though, so.
“Unless you tell me to leave, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.” Harry answered. He’s so cheesy when he wants to be. Which is like all the time, but still.
“Ahh... I might be a bit slow though...” I added. Harry smiled but kept kissing. “Like, two years, slow.”
Harry’s smiling wider.
“Or three, even.”
Even wider.
“Hell, make it a solid four.”
Harry’s somehow getting us to our feet and locking the door shut.
“The hell are you expecting?” I growled. I say that but I’m also wrapping my arms around his neck and walking him over to my bed. Don’t think he was expecting me to shove him down onto it though. While he was stunned and defenceless I pushed a hand to his chest and pushed him back up against where my headboard would be if I had one. Then climbed back onto his lap, began kissing my way back into his mouth, and started fumbling to get his jeans undone.
Harry of course started protesting profusely.
“Ah, Niall that’s-“
“Shut up.”
“B-Babe I don’t have the energy after all that to-“
“I said shut up, who said you had to do anything?”
“Wh-What do you mean?”
I covered his mouth with mine and used even more kissing to keep him quiet. Thing is though this time I brought out the good stuff and it seemed to do the opposite. The stuff Harry’s only gotten from me once and it turns him into an absolute gasping, moaning, writhing mess.
I really can’t help myself.
It’s been three whole days and we’re home alone for Christ sake.
I was saving this for something special but... screw it.
Harry’s just told me he’s in love with me and if I can’t say it back then I’ve at least got to do this.
At some point Harry’s wrapped his arms around my neck and is letting me lay him down on his back. And I’m making it worse by starting on a real, properly indecent, love bite on his neck. Haven’t given him any of those yet, either.
...actually now that I think about it I haven’t really done anything special for him at all.
...shit.
“Ah... we should, we should probably get some ice for your face.” I gasped. I say that but I’m also unbuttoning his shirt and kissing everything I can get my mouth on. At some point I’ve slid off his lap and more over his legs and Harry’s matting his fingers into my hair to encourage me not to stop. He’s really sensitive to me. Which is weird because when he was with other girls he never really seemed t-
Other girls..?
...like the one’s he hooked up with all this year and last and sometimes stole from me..?
...while he actually liked me..?
Harry made a really defenceless, slutty, gasping sound and I snapped out of it and tried slowing down a bit. Like we’ve just had another huge fight and I actually hit him and what the hell am I doing trying to get him up?
All that and I’m now really fucking jealous and can’t actually focus on anything else.
Harry took the chance while I was thinking to sit up and shrug his shirt the rest of the way off of his shoulders. He’s got swollen lips and a swollen cheek and hazy green eyes and a body that hit puberty a thousand years earlier than mine that’s covered in a good five hickeys I’ve just made but all I can think of is you were with other people who were other than me even though you were in love with me and you actually let other people get you off other than m e?
I groaned and rolled off of him to take a seat next to him and hung my head in my hands.
Harry’s already blushing like an idiot next to me and trying to figure out if his hand hovering near my thigh should actually make contact. He must be thinking of something stupid like I am.
I sighed and pulled a hand away to wrap around his and squeeze it tight.
I really don’t like the idea of you even looking at anyone other than me.
“Ah... I-I love you...” Harry mumbled out. I bit my lip. He’s probably already kicking himself inside for saying that. It’s not right. I’m meant to be the one who gets embarrassed and anxious. I leant over and pulled him in close with my other hand to kiss him. Harry sighed and kissed back. He’s suddenly holding my hand really, really tight.
What do I say back?
Thank you?
Okay?
You’re alright yourself?
Terrible. Everything I come up with is terrible.
Harry moaned and cupped my face to encourage me not to pull back. He really needs me right now. How the hell can I get it across to him that I really need him back?
“...’m so damn lucky to have you.” I mumbled.
Okay, that’s a star-
Harry lunged at me and pulled me into a hug.
Like, a really, really tight hug.
With his face buried into my shoulder and his arm around my neck. He’s even clinging to my shirt a bit. I went bright red and hugged him back with all my might.
We stayed like that for ages until I realised he’d fallen asleep.