#PTG04 Chapter 04
Gusto kong malungkot dahil kay Jax. Akala ko kasi okay na kami... But every time I'd think that our relationship's improving—at least for me—bigla na naman siyang gagawa ng paraan para maalala ko kung saan ako naka-tayo sa buhay niya. It was making me really sad. I just wanted him to see me. I just wanted him to at least consider me... but I really couldn't just push myself on him. Alam ko na kapag mas nagpumilit ako sa kanya, mas lalo lang siyang lalayo sa akin. Because I was exactly the same person—the more you pull me, the more I'd push.
No one wants to be told what to do.
But... but maybe this was one of the upsides of law school. I didn't have time to wallow over Jax's implied rejection. Patung-patong na ang mga binabasa ko. Gustuhin ko mang magmukmok sa pagsusungit ni Jax sa akin nung isang araw, hindi ko magawa. Not when I was buried in mountains of reading!
Faith: Hi! Posted in the college's page na 'yung additional cases for the class. Also, reminding you to attend class. We don't want to boycott Atty. Mercado. Thank you.
Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Seriously?! Ni hindi pa nga ako nakaka-hinga sa mga cases na binabasa ko for Crim, dadagdagan na naman?!
"Ugh! Papatayin ba ako dito?!" reklamo ko, but I knew nothing I say would lessen the number of readings I had. Ugh! Alam ko marami din akong binasa for college, but this was on a whole new level of crazy! Hindi na naubus-ubos!
Pagpunta ko sa page ng college, iyong irita ko ay napalitan ng panic. There was a list containing the additional 15 cases na dapat kong basahin for tonight's class. And I knew that I should read all of them unless gusto kong mamatay sa kaba mamaya. Sobra pa naman magtanong si Atty. Mercado. Ultimo ano'ng suot nung victim nung nasaksak siya, tatanungin sa 'yo. Halata tuloy kapag nagba-bluff ka lang.
An hour before the class starts, naka-ready na ako papunta sa school. If not for Yaya na pinilit akong kumain kahit sandwich man lang, hindi ako makakakain. Sobrang nasusuka iyong pakiramdam ko. Hindi ko maintindihan. Never akong naging ganito nung college.
Pagdating ko sa school, dumiretso agad ako sa classroom. Nandun na halos lahat ng classmates ko. Mukhang confident naman sila. Mas nakaka-pressure. Bakit ba dito ako napuntang section?!
"Natapos mo lahat?" asked Deanne.
"Barely," I groaned. I wanted to finish everything, but it was just impossible! Kung gusto kong mabasa lahat, ibig sabihin skim lang ang gagawin ko, but hindi ko naman maiintindihang mabuti. It was an impossible choice! "You?" I asked.
"Hanggang People v Yambao lang ako," she said.
I was about to answer when the door swung open. Shit. Patay na.
Pagdating ni Sir sa gitna, nagdasal lang kami. Nang ilabas niya iyong yellow index cards mula sa brief case niya, sobrang rinig na rinig ko na iyong tibok ng puso ko. Literal na naninikip iyong dibdib ko!
'Lord, nag-aral naman po ako... But please 'wag po akong matawag sana ngayon. Promise mas gagalingan ko bukas, but 'wag ngayon, please,' I silently prayed as Sir checked attendance.
Nanlalamig na iyong mga kamay ko nang matapos si Sir. At habang shina-shuffle niya iyong attendance card, pakiramdam ko ay nasa lalamunan ko na iyong puso ko. The hell! Ganito ba ang mararamdaman ko for four years?! Constant fear and anxiety?!
"dela Paz," Atty. Mercado called. "Differentiate Mala in se from Mala Prohibita."
Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.
Fuck.
My classmate proceeded to answer the question smoothly. Parang praktisado. Parang directly lifted from the book. Ako? I was dying a slow death! Sa sobrang pagpapanic ko dahil sa tambak ng cases, I forgot to study the concepts! Ang tanga lang, Katherine!
"That's enough," Atty. Mercado said after Pau answered. His face was unreadable. 'Di mo alam if tama ba iyong sagot mo o muntik na tumama sa buwan sa sobrang layo. "de Marco," he called next. "Case of People v Oanis."
My epal classmate, Maven, recited the case with ease. Ugh. Ang galing niya talaga! Sa lahat na lang ng class namin, magaling siya. Kaya kitang-kita ko kung paano nagha-heart shape iyong mata ng mga classmates ko habang sumasagot siya. I haven't really talked with Maven kasi nasa kabilang side siya ng classroom, and never pa kaming nagtagpo dahil palaging dumadating siya nagsisimula na iyong klase tapos diretso labas din siya pagkatapos. But I heard suplado daw. Pero matalino, no doubt.
The recitation continued. Pasimple akong tumitingin sa relo ko. Last fifteen minutes. Please. Please. Ayokong matawag ngayon. I promise to review better and faster next time, just spare me today! Magbabagong-buhay na ako, promise!
But of course life didn't want to leave me behind!
"Arellano."
Shit talaga!
My knees were buckling as I stood up. I kept on closing and opening my fist, telling myself to calm the hell down. Baka kasi magstutter ako kapag sobrang kinabahan ako! And if I begin to stutter, I'd fail to make sense! Hindi ko na afford magkaroon ng mababang recit!
"What is a proximate cause?" he asked.
Shit! Bakit concept?! I fucking died reading all those motherfucking cases, tapos concept itatanong sa akin?! Seryoso ba?!
But I bit my tongue to calm myself. Huminga ako nang malalim. Kaya ko 'to. Nabasa ko na 'to. Hindi ko lang kabisado, but I read this.
"Proximate cause," I began. Biglang nagvibrate iyong phone ni Sir kaya napunta doon iyong atensyon niya. Napa-tingin ako sa side ni Iñigo and I saw him mouthing something. Kumunot ang noo ko.
"What?" I mouthed back.
"Natural and continuous sequence," he mouthed.
Agad na nabalik ang tingin ko kay Sir na naka-tingin na ulit sa akin. His brow was arched. Fuck. Nakita ba niya?!
I cleared my throat. "Proximate cause is the natural and continuous sequence," I re-stated. "Which... produces the injury... without which the injury would have not occurred," I said, barely trying to phrase the concept I read.
Atty. Mercado nodded. Akala ko tapos na. Usually kasi after one question, next person na. But nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang magtanong pa siya ng scenario! Nakita ba niya kami ni Iñigo? Kaya ba may pa-habol pa siya na tanong sa akin?
"X got inside the bus and declared holdup. But Y, a police, was inside and therefore, spooked X, prompting him to jump outside the bus. Z, driver of another bus, was surprised when X jumped in front of the bus he was driving. Z beat the red light when the incident occurred. X died. What is the proximate cause of X's death?"
Oh, my god.
Bigla akong nahilo sa dami ng letters.
My throat began to feel dry. My lips parted, wanting to say something, but I really wasn't sure kung ano ang sagot!
"The proximate cause of X's death... is Z, Sir," I said, trying to at least get a read on Sir's face para naman alam ko kung nagmumukha na lang akong tanga sa sagot ko or what. But his face remained the same. It was fucking unreadable. "If he didn't beat the red light, he wouldn't have hit X. Thus, his death could have been avoided."
Sir just nodded, and written down my grade on the card. "That's enough," he said, then bumunot ng bago. "Borromeo. Do you agree?"
Iñigo looked at me for a split second, then back to Sir. "No, Sir," he began before he gave an answer that made more sense than mine.
* * *
Para akong lutang habang naglalakad palabas. I only had myself to blame. Kasalanan ko naman talaga na nawala sa isip ko na kailangan din nga palang mag-aral ng concepts. Masyado akong na-overwhelm sa dami ng cases na binigay.
It was my fault.
"Ms. Arellano."
I continued walking until I felt Iñigo catching up to me. "Wala ako sa mood," malungkot na sabi ko. Iniisip ko pa lang na baka 70 ang binigay na grade sa akin, sumasakit na ang ulo ko. Paano ko mababawi 'yun? Pangalawang recit ko na 'yun.
"Okay naman 'yung sagot mo kanina."
"It's not enough."
Hindi siya nagsalita agad. Bigla kong naalala kung paano niya ako tinulungan kanina. Sir could've seen us. Hindi lang ako ang mapapahamak kung hindi siya rin.
"Thanks," I whispered. Nakaka-hiya. Ilang beses ko na siyang sinungitan, pero mabait pa rin siya sa akin. Siya lang at saka si Deanne 'yung nakaka-usap ko talaga sa classroom. The others? Ewan ko. They're too caught up with studying. Parang walang time makipagkaibigan... or kung makipagkaibigan man, parang hindi genuine.
God, I miss my friends.
Iñigo smiled. "No prob. Basta—"
I forgot what he said when my eyes caught Jax coming out of the classroom. My eyes were on him again. Sinusundan ang bawat hakbang niya. Pinapanood siya habang nakikipag-usap sa mga classmate niya. I didn't know how long I was standing there until his eyes caught me.
I was about to wave nang bigla niya akong talikuran.
"Ang sungit naman 'nun," Iñigo said.
I forced a smile. I couldn't deal with Jax right now.
"Baka bad recit din," I just said as an excuse. I didn't want to talk about him. Masyadong masama iyong loob ko sa nangyari kanina. Baka magbreakdown ako kapag dinagdagan pa ni Jax.
Iñigo was just looking at me. I forced a smile. Maybe we could be friends. After all, I knew I needed some. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako tatagal dito kung wala akong kaibigan.
"Hey, thanks. And I'll treat you next time for saving my ass."
He grinned. "Sabi mo 'yan."
I nodded, and smiled bago ako nagsimulang maglakad palabas.
The night was beautiful. Malamig iyong simoy ng hangin. I could've enjoyed this moment if not for what happened earlier. I could already imagine the face that my parents would make kapag nakita nila iyong grades ko. They'd be extremely disappointed. As if I'd need that. Ako mismo sa sarili ko madidisappoint.
Pagdating ko sa labas, naghihintay lang ako para kay Kuya Eman. I just wanted to go home, take a bath, then study again. This shouldn't happen again tomorrow. I refuse to let this shit happen again.
I was silently watching the cars pass by when I heard someone clearing his throat. I turned my head only to see Jax.
"Wala ako sa mood masungitan," was the first thing that I said. If it were another day, matutuwa ako kahit tignan niya lang ako. But today was as bad as it could get. I didn't have the patience to humor him.
I could feel him studying my face. Tahimik pa rin ako na naka-tingin sa mga sasakyan. Nasaan na ba kasi si Kuya Eman? Gusto ko ng umuwi talaga.
"Everyone gets a bad recit," bigla niyang sabi.
"Not me. I never get bad recits. Until law school."
Silence enveloped the two of us. I stood beside him, remembering how taller he was than me. Pinakiusapan ko rin iyong ilong ko na 'wag siyang masyadong amuyin. I was in no mood to be turned on by how good he smelled.
"There's always a first time."
"Nagkaron ka na ba ng bad recit?" Hindi siya agad naka-sagot. Bakit ba ako nagtaka? Si Jax nga pala 'tong kausap ko. "E 'di ikaw na."
"Ang sungit mo."
Napaawang ang labi ko. "Wow, ako pa?!" Seryoso ba 'tong anemic na 'to?! Ako pa ang masungit sa aming dalawa?! Siya nga 'tong walang ginawa kung hindi ang magwalkout tuwing nakikita ako! Pasalamat siya busy din ako sa school kaya hindi ko masyadong nadadamdam iyong mga ginagawa niya sa 'kin.
He nodded. "Katherine—"
Ugh! I hated it when he calls me that! Kinikilig ako kahit naiinis ako sa kanya!
"It's barely a month since you started here. You can't take everything to heart—hindi ka tatagal. If you had a bad day, then sorry. But there's always tomorrow. Bawi lang."
I bit my lower lip. I didn't know why I was suddenly becoming so emotional. I guess I just really wasn't used to being so... mediocre.
"Thank you," I said. Alam ko naman 'yung mga sinabi niya... but hearing it coming from him was what made the difference. Because if it's from him, I believe it. There's just something about him that makes everything better for me.
Jax just nodded. Biglang huminto iyong sasakyan sa harap ko.
"Sleep when you get home," he said, opening the car door for me.
"Mag-aaral pa ako."
"Don't study when you're frustrated," he said, closing the door after me. "You won't learn anything."
"Marami 'yung coverage para sa Consti."
"Wake up early," he replied. "You need a fresh mind. And don't be too hard on yourself."
I bit my lower lip. Ugh, Juan Alexandro! Bakit ka ba ganyan?!
I nodded. "Okay..." I said, staring into his beautiful face. I just really love everything about him—much more his mind. If I could marry his mind, I definitely would! "Good night, Jax."
He didn't reply, but that was okay. He already made my night.