Chapter Nine
After we accompanied mom to the train station, we drove towards the ballet school where I enrolled Nath. Today was her orientation and she'd meet her new dance mates and instructor.
"She's such a beautiful kid." Miss Perkinson said and Nath giggled making us both chuckle. She was admiring the structure of the studio and so was I. The pay wasn’t much and I could afford it, moreover the teacher was nice and the studio was perfect, it would leave me at peace once I go to work (wherever it would be).
"She is. I'll leave her in your hands, Miss Perkinson." I shook her hand.
"Please call me Beth, Mrs. Smith." She smiled; she has a beautiful layered brown hair that fell just on her shoulders and brilliant blue eyes, her blue cardigan wrapped in her body snugly and her lacy white top peeking underneath with her black fit slacks and heeled shoes, she looked professional and chic.
"I'm a single mom, and please call me Jane. I'm going to fetch her every 12 PM. Is that right?" I verified she smiled at me with understanding. Nath was cheerfully interacting with the other children and I think she already made friends. That was as easy as breathing for my daughter, making friends and stuff, I hope so was adjusting to her new home.
"Oh. Okay, Jane. That's right, every lunch." Beth smiled, and Nath and I made our way to the mall. I promised her that we'd paint her room pink so here we were. She excitedly tugged me towards the different rows of equipment and machines. I laughed because she was dragging me aimlessly and I just followed her lead. She huffed and placed her tiny arms in her puffing chest making me laugh harder when she lost the enthusiasm of finding the paints.
"Tired already, sweetie?" I smirked and she stuck her tongue out at me.
"We keep looking and looking and looking but there's no pinky!" She huffed moodily and her eyes became teary making me smile. I wouldn’t be surprised if she started stomping her feet and snap at me like she was a princess and I was her servant, she always got her way, from me, or mom or from anyone else that was family. I grabbed her tiny hands and lead her to the large shelves of paints; giving my best 'see' face. Her eyes lit up and smiled her toothy grin at me. Well being her servant was worth of that smile.
"Pinky! Mommy!" She pointed towards the pink tin at the second layer of the shelf. I smiled and nodded. We chose princess style wallpaper that she personally picked; we bought her new pillowcases and bed sheets. We also both a frilly canopy for her bed saying that real princesses have those and I just laughed and bought everything that were all, painfully, different shades of pink. I was never a fan of pink but seeing as my child like it, maybe I just have to get used to it.
She wanted to eat ice cream so I brought her to the ice cream house next. I ordered rocky road for myself and Vanilla with extra sprinkles for Nath. She even got her father’s preference in ice creams and in cakes. They both like cheesecakes.
She happily ate the ice cream. I wiped her face from the stains and we made our way home. She practically made me hurry inside the house so we could start redecorating. We changed into old clothes that were okay to be stained and we covered everything in her room with newspaper. We already finished pasting the wallpapers in the three sides of her room; she wanted to paint the last wall with pink so we painted it. We were almost done when the doorbell rang.
I made my way to the living room towards the door while wiping my hands at the stained towel. Connor was standing there with red roses in his hands and a box of donuts in his other hand, surely for Nath.
"Hey, Connor." I smiled and pecked him in the cheeks. He stepped inside and gave me the bouquet. Receiving a bouquet from Connor wasn’t new, he’d been spoiling my daughter and I. And what could I do, he was happy doing that. Sometimes I couldn’t help but feel that I was doing him wrong, that I was leading him on, because I perfectly knew how he felt for me yet I couldn’t give him the same feelings in return. My feelings for him wasn’t the same but he was important to me, as important as family.
I thanked him and Nath came running from her bedroom and pounced on Connor making him bark in laughter. Connor hugged her then threw her in the air and caught her making her squeal in excitement. It was a good view. Maybe it would be perfect if it was Nate doing it with Nath...my heart clenched. Scratch that, it would never happen.
"Hi baby girl! How are you?" He asked as he set her off her feet. She took the box of donuts on the floor and opened it.
"Great!" Nath mumbled while munching on the donut coated with honey in her hands.
I took the box from her and brought it in the kitchen and placed the flowers in a vase, "no donuts before dinner, sweetie. And Connor, you should know that." I scolded and he just smiled sheepishly, like always. He never felt bad though, he was Nath’s partner in everything – talk about being an adult.
"Yeah mother." He mock saluted and Nath imitated him. I chuckled and went inside the bedroom to finish painting the wall.
"You guys are redecorating?" He asked inspecting the job we had done.
"No. I'm just painting this pink for fun." I said sarcastically and he just rolled his eyes.
"Uncle Connor, isn't it pretty?" Nath asked, looking at him under her thick frame of lashes and I snickered. Connor hated pink.
"Oh...errr. Yeah. Very pretty." He said and hurriedly went outside as if the color was burning his retinas while Nath tailed him. I heard the television being turned on and tuned in sponge bob, as always. It was an hour before six when I finished painting the wall and changed her bed sheets and pillowcases with the new one. I didn't know how I would put on the canopy so I left it with its packaging and went outside. Nath was asleep on Connor's lap and he smiled at me when I arrived.
I sat beside him and rested my hand on his arm.
"Thanks for coming. I just need to go to an appointment." I said apologetically and he just shrugged. I hugged him briefly and beamed at him.
You're an angel, you know that right?" I said and run towards my room to prepare.
It was fifteen after six when I arrived at the meeting place. I spotted him easily; his back was turned at me as he sat at the window side table. I walked and sat across him. He looked at me and closed the magazine he was reading. He read magazines now? I snorted at the mere thought, who could have thought a guy like Nate would read magazines, and a fashion one at that, while waiting for a woman.
"Something you find amusing?" He asked.
"Since when did you start taking interest in fashion magazines?" I asked eyeing the magazine he was holding. He scowled at me.
"I was not interested..." he looked at his wristwatch and looked at me again, "You're fifteen minutes late and I was bored." He shrugged and dropped the magazine in the table while he laced his fingers and leaned.
"Right," I rolled my eyes and he just looked at me in amusement. A waitress came to get our order and she was definitely eye shagging the man across me making me scowl, cliché much? What the heck? Did she even know I was here? I noticed that Nate was totally oblivious of her presence and he was gazing intently at me, making me smile inside. As cliché as it sounded, I now knew how it felt to be the only attention of a guy, hah, so much for my obsession with chick flick romances. I cleared my throat and the waitress snapped out of her dream world where she probably already undressed Nate.
"Can I take your orders?" She asked not taking her eyes off Nate.
"Two cappuccinos, please, and one slice of chocolate cake." He smiled at her and the waitress went off blushing. I narrowed my eyes at him. He remembered what I always ordered. I realized that I was spacing out so I cleared my throat. And what the heck, it was only now I realized I never really changed my preferences, though I try new ones.
"Oh, and Ms. Smith, is it okay if I order for you?" I scorned, rolling my eyes.
"Do you want me to change the order?" He asked seriously and I frowned at him. He's absolutely snappy.
"What's eating you?" I raised my brow at him.
He slumped into his seat and pinned me with his gaze, "Why did you want to resign?" He countered and I sighed.
"Straight to the point, eh?" I asked and he leaned forward, placing his chin in his hands.
"So, what's wrong with my firm?" He prompted.
"There's nothing wrong with your firm." I scowled. You're my problem, you idiot!
"Then to my employees?" He asked again.
"They are great." I answered.
"About the job?"
"The job is good."
"Then what's wrong?" He asked irritated.
I sighed, "Why don't you try, 'What's wrong with the boss'?" I asked looking at his emerald eyes. He stiffened and he too stared at me.
I didn't know how long our glaring match was but we were snapped back to reality by the tray of cappuccinos being placed in front of us. Our heads whipped into the waitress, startling her, and she looked at us weirdly. She stumbled her way away and we continued glaring at each other.
"I knew it! It's about the night out." He said as a matter of fact and started sipping in his cappuccino.
He knew?
My heart clenched painfully, oh no. I didn't want to know what was about to happen next, so I closed my eyes, readying myself at his outburst.
"What happened?" He demanded.
Absolutely not.
I opened my eyes and looked at him in amusement. So he didn't remember everything at all. I knew it, it was impossible for him, he was a terrible drunk.
That's why, maybe he didn't mean everything he said to you that night! I mentally slapped myself.
"You didn't remember at all?" I asked cautiously. I knew I was sailing in dangerous water; I must thread myself with this very carefully. At the end of this conversation one of us would go home hurt.
"I don't." He said frowning. I wanted to laugh at his face but I restrained myself, keeping a straight face.
"Oh my... You forgot about puking, the shouting, the peeing, the fight, the—" I was interrupted when he slammed his fist on the table startling the people around us. I stared at him wide eyed; well that reaction was really unexpected.
"What.did.you.just.say? And Janelle, quit playing games." He asked, trying to calm himself down but failing miserably, his veins were popping out and it was a bit comical.
"I said you didn't remember—"
"I heard you the first time! I mean did I really...puke?" He asked me like he couldn’t actually expect me to tell the truth. I gave him my best serious face and nodded.
"...Shouting?" He continued, and I nodded again.
"To whom exactly?" He asked,
"People, me, everyone?" I supplied, trying to look innocent. He shook his head slowly like he was about to burst out of humiliation. He was actually biting off right on the hook! I wanted to laugh.
"P-pee? W-where?" He stuttered lamely and that almost undid my restrain from laughing out loud and blew my cover.
"You really want to know?" I asked restraining myself from laughing even harder.
"No, God. I would never, ever do that. You must be kidding!" He almost yelled and I just raised my eyebrow at him.
"You don't believe me? Fine, you may ask everyone at your firm. Let me call Genie, or Paul." I whipped my phone out from my pocket and before I dial a number he snatched it from my grip.
"What the hell?" I asked. I couldn’t believe he just snatched my phone. He was like a kid!
"No! I'll ask no one. This will remain between me and you!" He hissed and I nodded.
"Fine, but I believe they knew it too, they should be talking about it—"
"I'll fire anyone who will tell a soul about this." He deadpanned.
"Really? You can fire me now." I said and he scowled.
"I fought?" He asked, ignoring my remark.
"The security guard, you were almost arrested, thanks to my charm..." I snickered and his eye brows knitted together, his face was so funny.
"What is the other thing I did?" He asked his grip in my phone was tightening; I felt pity for my poor innocent phone.
"Oh, you taught the post to bark." I said with a straight face.
"I... W-what?" He stammered his eyes were wide.
"You thought the post to bark, 'aw aw... Say arf puppy, arf!" I said and he stared at me wide eyed, I returned the stare and blinked twice, until I couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing. Well, it was a record. I held it for too long!
After six years, I laughed so hard again.
"I knew it!" He exclaimed pointing at me accusingly and I laughed harder clutching my stomach. People were looking at us weirdly but I didn't care. I just didn't care.
"I knew it! I'll never do those embarrassing things! Even when I am inebriated, I am not that horrible of a drinker, I am more like of a quiet and a brooder." He told me, obviously ticked off and I giggled, but thought what a joke, he was a horrible drinker, ha!
"I love you angry and hot, Nate." I blurted and I regretted it at the same time it slipped out from my mouth.
Where did it come from?
What the heck, talk about embarrassing!
He stared at me wide eyed. And I wanted to smack myself silly for my loose mouth. Where are the hellholes when you needed them? I wanted to get lost right now. My laughter vanished completely and we just stared at each other. I could feel the heat in my face and I was sure I was blushing as hell as of the moment.
"I mean, you look really funny when you're mad and uhh... You look ridiculous, like you just wetted your pants… And... Uhh... This is... Uhh. You heard wrong, what I really mean is... Hum... The thing is...This is extremely awkward." I rambled and he interrupted me by clearing his throat, I stared at him again, not daring to open my damn stupid mouth.
"I know. Spur of the moment, I know." He said nodding.
"Right! Ha-ha! You're good with words, I like that." I laughed nervously. And he took a sip again from his cappuccino acting like nothing just happened, no slip of the tongue or whatever. I took my cappuccino and took a sip too. I offered him my hand, gesturing him to return my phone but he just raised his eyebrow at me and I scowled.
"And you expect me to return this after you made fun of me?" He asked, putting my phone in his jeans pocket.
"I didn't make fun of you. You are just a terrible drinker." I stated. He was such a sore loser!
"What happened that night? The guard said a woman sent me home and is crying." He frowned. My heart dropped.
Damn the security guard!
"Is that you?" He continued to study me with his probing eyes.
"Give me my phone first, before I answer." I have to get out of here. I didn't think I could face reality now. He hates me.
"Tell me, Janelle." He said seriously. Bipolar much? I scoffed.
"It is me, and I was not crying. Ask the guard if he's drunk or something because I don't remember crying at all." I scowled and dared him to tell me more of his shit.
"So tell me what's wrong with the boss." He demanded and my heart started to race.
"An overbearing boss?" I shrugged innocently.
"When did I become overbearing to you?" He wanted to know.
"The coffee thingy?" I asked innocently and he scowled.
"I'm not playing here, Smith." He said more seriously and a bit hot tempered.
"Me too, I want to resign but you keep on asking me bullshit!" I snapped and he looked at me stunned. Well cursing wasn’t my favorite past time but it came handy when needed, if I knew I could use curse words to stun a person, I wouldn’t have much of troubles with annoying people.
"Why do you want to resign?" He inquired more calmly but I didn't answer. I didn't have an answer. As if I'd tell him those things he told me. No way in hell.
"You want to shut me off again from your life?" He asked softly and my eyes snapped at him. What the heck? He's so confusing. One minute, he wanted to forget the past and start all over again, the next thing, he will tell me he hates me and he hoped to never see me again too and now he's asking me if I'm shutting him down out of my life like a lost puppy?
"You're making me crazy." I mumbled and he raised his eyebrow at me.
"What do you want from me, Nate?" I asked straightforwardly and he fell silent.
"You want to get back at me from what I did six years ago? You said I was awful and terrible, now are you going to tell me that 'karma is a bitch'?" I snapped as his silence tugged a nerve in me. I didn’t know what to make of his silence and it infuriated me to be in the blind side of his thoughts especially now that I knew that he hated me with all his heart.
"I said you were awful and terrible?" He asked confused but I ignored him.
"Now what, are you going to make my life like hell?" I asked angrily and his eyes hardened. There was an angry thing inside me, snarling and snapping and I knew I was lashing out at him. But I hated confrontations, why couldn’t he just let this go and we wouldn’t need to have this very uncomfortable conversation?
"If I must," He said shortly making me gape at him. What? I knew it, just from his hate; I knew he was capable of doing just exactly as that. And if he learns about my daughter, everything would be in hell.
"If I have to make your life like hell, then I would." He snapped. I was speechless. That was harsh. I felt my heart clench painfully. Not here. We just stared at each other, more like glaring at each other.
"That's right. Just tell me face to face when you're not intoxicated that you hate me and let's get everything off of our systems so we can let go and move on with our own lives." I said quietly, glaring at him.
"I told you I hate you?" he echoed as he blinked.
"Yeah, you hated me and you hoped to never see me again, that I don't deserve you, and I don't deserve to be loved. That I acted like a bitch and I treated you like trash! You said I don't have the right to be sorry because I'm awful and terrible." I said in one breath. I think I was hyperventilating and I felt light headed. He opened his mouth to talk but I interrupted him.
"Everything you said is true. But there's one thing that is wrong." I breathed. And he continued to look at befuddled.
"I loved you. I did. I really did. Don't you ever tell me again that I never loved you like you loved me! Because I loved you more than you will ever know. More than you will ever know." I said as my voice hitched from the lump stuck in my throat. I stood abruptly then walked out. I felt the tears filling my eyes, and I felt like shit. This is it.
This is our end.
But this is better and don’t you fucking cry another damn tear for that man!
I walked in the sidewalk towards the mini park, ignoring all the weird glances I was receiving; I just didn't care because they know nothing at all.
Nothing at all.
A dry sob escaped my mouth and I folded my knees and hugged it, still trying hard not let the tears fall. It always made me wonder why crying was a lot easier than not crying at all. Not crying is more painful.
This was so embarrassing but I just wanted to curl up into a tight ball and get lost. I just wanted to get lost, please just let me vanish and end this. I was yanked upward and was spun around. When I opened my eyes I was face to face with Nate. He looked like he was having an internal debate and he was deciding something. Then, he hugged me. He hugged me tight.
"Let me go." I choked. The tears had dried from my eyes, thank God.
"I will never let you go again." He whispered and I was shocked. What does he mean, that he will never let go of me again?
"Don't give me hopes you can't fill." I said and I yanked myself away from him. "We're done. We're history. You know that, and I know it." I glared at him.
"We were. But there's always today and tomorrow." He said and I scowled, wiping my tears away.
"We have our own lives, Nate. There are things that can't be brought back. Once a mirror is broken, even if you use the strongest glue to put its pieces back together, the faint and clear scar of its broken self will never go away. It will stay forever, making it ugly, fragile and dangerous. In the end, you'll just bleed and get wounded if you try to touch it." I stated, my breathes were quick gasps as I tried to fill my lungs with much needed oxygen.
He didn't speak for a moment.
"We can stay friends." He offered softly looking at me sincerely and it tugged my heart. I can never, ever refuse this man. But being friends wasn’t enough to quench my thirst for him, for his love and attention, being friends wouldn’t stop the aching pain inside my chest whenever I see him. Being friends wouldn’t change anything or would bring anything back. Being friends was just another king of torture for my part, being there but not really there.
But having something was better than nothing, and ‘ friends’ is it.
"We can." I know that I'd regret accepting this but did I care?
No.
Did I stop myself?
No.
I know I wanted him back in my life, and this was the only way acceptable. As if a thorn was pulled out of my chest, the bittersweet sting gave this a short gush of relief in my chest – admitting to myself that I wanted him in my life gave this relief.
I did this mainly for myself, and a part of me was deciding if it was good for Nath, but, honestly? Right now, I wanted to be selfish, just thinking of my own comfort.