Once the summer had ended, Nate and I returned home only to be summoned back to the ranch a few short weeks later. Steve, Nate's father, had a heart attack. He passed away unexpectedly. Since the day of the incident down at the river, he had made the effort to be a more present father and husband. He apologized for leaving me alone so much and promised to be there more. So far he had kept that promise.
I held his hand as we approached the house. I could tell the tears were threatening to spill over again. It was going to very a tough week for the entire family. As soon as he stepped out of the car, Shane hugged him. They held onto each other for a few moments before letting go. Shane's eyes were bloodshot and puffy. You could tell he had been crying. Taylor was next followed by his mother. I didn't want to intrude so I gave them privacy.
"Where's Demi?" I asked. I was surprised she wasn't here to see Nate.
"Over there." Shane said pointing toward the house.
"She's not taking it too well." Taylor added.
"Drinking?" I asked.
"No." Shane said shaking his head. "She hasn't even cried yet. It's like she doesn't accept that it's happened. She won't talk about it."
"She's also been drinking. Heavily. It's bad Sel." Taylor said, the worry evident in her eyes.
"Where's Naya?" I asked.
"She can't be here. She's filming right now." Taylor answered. "They've been fighting a bit the past couple weeks anyway. I think they might be on a break." She added.
"How is he?" Shane asked referring to Nate.
"He's ok. He's sad and I think he's still a bit shocked." I answered.
I watched as Shane walked away toward Nate and his mother. The three of them embraced and I could tell they were crying. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked away.
"She needs you Sel." Taylor said as she glanced over at Demi.
I watched as she took a drag from a cigarette. "Is she smoking?" I asked slightly shocked.
"Yeah..." Taylor trailed off.
I continued to watch Demi as she paced around on the porch. She flicked the cigarette butt out into the yard and blew out one last cloud of smoke. She looked over in my direction and stared for a few moments before disappearing into the house.
"It's not my place Taylor. I have to keep my distance. You know that."
"She still loves you Selena."
"I doubt it Tay." I sighed. "Drop it."
"Let's go inside." Taylor said as Nate, Shane and his mother headed toward the house.
"Where's Gracie?" Shane asked.
"She's with my parents." I answered.
He nodded. "I miss her."
"You should come visit."
"I will."
The rest of the afternoon was spent sorting through some of Steve's things. Connie wanted each of them to take some things to remember him by. Demi refused to have anything to do with it. I could tell she was drunk. It wasn't even three in the afternoon and she could hardly walk.
"Nate. I'm going to check on Demi. I don't think she's doing so good."
"Ok." He said giving me a kiss. "Thank you for everything Sel."
"I love you." I said softly.
"I love you too."
I left the rest of the family in the den and looked around the house for Demi. I couldn't find her. I decided to check outside and there was still no sign of her. I walked toward the back yard and I could hear a steady thumping sound. As I turned the corner, I saw her lifting an axe high above her head and swinging it downward. I watched as the log split in half. She quickly picked up another log and repeated the process. She didn't even notice I was watching. I could see the bottle of whiskey laying on the ground close to her feet. She looked agitated.
"What do you want?" She snapped as she blew a piece of hair out of her face.
"I wanted to make sure you were ok Dem." I said softly as I stepped closer.
"I'm fine. You can go now." She stated flatly as she slammed the axe into another log.
"Demi. Don't do this."
"Do what Sel?" She sighed as she let the axe blade rest on the ground.
"Push people away."
"It's a bit late for that. What does it even matter to you anyway?" She asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"It matters."
"Since when?" She snarled, letting the axe fall to the ground.
"It's always mattered Demi. You have always mattered." I said loudly, my voice cracking.
"Go to your husband. Stop fucking doing this to me. I don't need this shit Selena!" She yelled.
"You just lost you father Demi. Go be with your family." I watched as she grabbed the bottle of whiskey and unscrewed the lid. "Don't." I whispered as she brought it up to her lips. She looked me right in the eye and drank the remainder of the bottle. She wanted to hurt me.
"I've made my choice. Stop telling me what to do." She said, her voice low and flat.
"You need help." I said as I stepped closer to her.
"Don't." she said holding up her hand. "Do not fucking come closer to me." She warned.
"Or what? What are you gonna do Demi? Hit me? Do it. Show me how tough you are." I took another step toward her.
"Selena..I swear to god..." I didn't let her finish.
I grabbed her and crushed her into me. She resisted at first, but I held onto her tightly. The moment the tears fell, I felt her relax in my arms. I had never seen her cry like this. She sounded like she was physically in pain. Her sobs shook her entire body. After a few minutes, I felt her pull away from me.
"Go." She whispered.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Fine. I'm not going to fucking argue with you. Don't touch me again. I'll snap your fucking fingers off." She snapped.
To say I was shocked was an understatement. She picked up the axe and resumed splitting logs. She looked completely unstable. Her eyes were wild and desperate. I stood there and just watched. I refused to leave her alone. She was scaring me right now.
Like clockwork, the sky let loose with a cold rain. It was fall now, so it chilled me to the bone. She continued to take her anger out on the firewood. I watched as her puffs of warm breath turned into a mist in front of her face. I stood there shivering, not having any idea what I should do. Nate and Shane found us a short time later. Nate wrapped his jacket around me and led me toward the house. I glanced back at Demi and I could tell that she was fighting with Shane.
"What happened?" Nate asked as he gave me a towel.
"She's gone..." I mumbled.
"Sel, are you ok?" he asked me.
"No." I whispered before I let the tears fall. He quickly wrapped his arms around me.
"What do you mean she's gone?" He asked once I had calmed down a bit.
"She's just not in there anymore. That person looks like Demi, but it's not her."
"I'm gonna talk to mom. She needs help. She needs to go back to rehab." He responded.
"She's going to kill herself Nate. I can see it in her eyes." I said my voice hoarse from crying. "She's going to drink herself to death."
Before he could respond, we heard a loud commotion downstairs. Nate quickly got up and left the room, I followed behind him. We went downstairs and sure enough, it was Demi. She had shoved everything off the kitchen counter and she was screaming at Shane.
"Fuck you!"
"That's real nice Demi! Please destroy moms fucking house. She will be so happy. Grow the fuck up!" He screamed back at her.
I watched in horror as she shoved him. "You're nothing but a little bitch!" She snarled.
"Demi!" Her mother shouted. "Enough!"
She didn't listen. Instead she proceeded to start punching all the glass out of the kitchen cabinets. Shane and Nate both tried to restrain her but she fought them. She was bleeding all over the place. After several moments and a lot of screaming, Shane finally managed to wrap her up in a bear hug. He laid there on the glass covered wood floor, and held onto her while she screamed and cried.
"It's ok Dem. Shhhh. It's okay baby sis. I've got you." He whispered into her ear. "Shhh. I know. I know. It hurts." He said panting as he tried to catch his breath.
Nate was kneeled down next to them. I covered my mouth with my hand to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape. Her face was covered in tears and twisted in agony. I watched as Connie sat on the ground and pulled her into her lap. Demi's arms immediately went around the older woman's neck.
"I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry." She cried into her mothers chest.
"I know baby. It's ok. I've got you." She whispered into Demi's ear as she stroked her hair.
"Can you give us a minute?" Nate asked me softly.
I simply nodded and walked outside onto the porch. Taylor was sitting on the bench. She looked at me with a sad expression. She knew. She knew that I was close to breaking. She knew that my heart couldn't take much more of this. I felt numb. I wanted to help Demi. I wanted to take all of her pain away. She looked so broken and lost. I couldn't though. I couldn't even touch her the way I wanted to. Not with Nate around. She needed me and I wasn't going to be there for her.
"Sit with me." Taylor said softly "It's going to be a while."
"Her eyes were empty Tay. There was nothing there."
"I know. I've been living with her for a while now. She comes and goes."
"It's the drinking. It's my fault. I did this to her. I made her so weak, she's not going to get through this."
"It's not your fault. She doesn't know how to cope Sel. She just lost her father. She's been hanging on the edge for a while now. It was only a matter of time before she fell."
"I don't think she wants to live anymore." I said as the tears left a trail down my cheeks.
"If she didn't want to live, she wouldn't still be here. Trust me." Taylor said as she wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
"I hope you're right." I whispered as I buried my face in my hands.
The rain fell and the minutes continued to tick away. I watched as Benji entered the house carrying a first aid bag. I assumed Demi needed to be looked at. I was anxious to know what was happening inside the house. I wanted to see her. I needed to know if she was ok. I have loved her since the day I met her. I might not have realized it then, but I know it now. She's always going to have my heart. I wish I could take care of hers.
"I have to tell her Tay. I have to tell her how much I love her. I need her to know how much I need her. She has to come back to me. I cant do this shit anymore!" I said my voice cracking and frustrated.
"When was the last time you guys were even intimate?" She asked.
"Over two years ago. Two fucking years. I haven't felt her touch me, I haven't tasted her kiss in over two years. It hurts. I just can't..." I whispered before I broke down crying even harder.
"Y'all got issues." I heard Taylor sigh as she rubbed my back.
"Hey guys." I heard Nate say softly. "Sel?" He questioned.
"Hey." I said sniffling. "Sorry. Is been a rough day." I added as I wiped away the tears.
"Yeah it has." He sighed as he sat next to us.
"How is she?" Taylor asked.
"She's sedated right now. Benji had to stitch up some cuts she had on her forarms and hands. She's upstairs in bed right now. Shane's pouring out all the alcohol in the house. I don't really know beyond that." He sighed.
"How can I help?" I asked.
"I don't know babe. She needs to check in to rehab but she's not going to. I can tell you that right now." He said as he let his head drop back against the back of the bench. "She's stubborn. She won't listen to any of us. Dad always managed to break her will. He's gone now."
As soon as Nate said that, I remembered a conversation that I had with Steve a couple years back. It was when I was watching Demi break the horse. The entire act of breaking it revolved around earning trust. She was just like that horse. Strong willed and restless. She needed to be tamed. She needed to feel safe. She needed me.
"I know what to do Nate." I said softly. "Steve told me once a long time ago. I thought he was talking about horses but the more I think about it, I'm positive he was talking about Demi." I said as I stood up and walked toward the house.
"Sel, I have no idea what you are talking about. I hope you're right though." He said. "Be careful. She's unpredictable." He warned as I walked inside.
I walked through the kitchen and gasped at the mess all over the floor. She had destroyed everything. I gave Benji a half hearted smile as he swept up the glass and broken household items. Shane was sitting with his mom on the couch. He was holding her hand and they were both speaking quietly. I slid my hand up the smooth wood of the banister as I made my way upstairs. The closer I got to her, the heavier the air felt. This wasn't going to be easy.
The door creaked as I pushed it open. It was dark with the exception of a single candle flickering on her nightstand. She looked small and fragile. Her arms were both bandaged up and she looked pale. She had dark circles underneath her eyes and she looked like she had lost a lot of weight. I didn't even notice how terrible she looked earlier. I felt stupid. I closed the door as I approached her bed. I sat down and took her hand.
"Hey." I whispered not sure if she could hear me or not. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Not until you get better." I told her as I watched the steady and even rise and fall of her chest.
"I don't care how hard you push. I won't break or bend. I need you in my life Demi. I need you to come back." I said as I pressed my lips to her bandaged hand.
"Why?" I heard her whisper, her voice raspy and tired.
"Dem?" I said surprised.
"Why?" She repeated.
"Because I care about you Demi." I answered.
"That's not good enough." She said as she removed her hand from mine and rolled away from me.
I knew what she wanted from me. She wanted me to say three little words that would change everything. Once I said them, I couldn't take them back. I knew with an absolute certainty that I was in love with her. This however, was not the appropriate time.
"You can push me away all you want Demi. I'm not going anywhere." I said to her back. "I'm a lot stronger than you think."
"I can hurt you in ways you can't even imagine." She said slowly.
"Demi, you're scaring me."
"Why can't you just say it?" She asked.
"Because I don't know who you are right now Demi. You are no the person that I fell..." I stopped before I said it. She was manipulating me and I knew it. "Hurt me Demi. You're the one who has to live with it."
"For now." She grumbled.
Those two words literally made my heart stop.