Stars are not small or gentle
They are withering and dying and burning
They are not here to be pretty
I am trying to learn from them
-Caitlyn Siehl "sky poem"
***
I had said it to Orion once, the truth of what he was to me.
You are my heart.
He was the object that made me care, the person that centered me.
You are my heart.
And now, my heart is gone.
I feel its absence, the empty space where it should have been lodged deep in my chest. No emotion spreads over me as I numbly stare at the desk.
The door opens.
My head shoots up involuntarily, a wild gasp leaving me at the anticipation of seeing anything- a tan wolf, puppy eyes, tangled hair.
Him.
Grandjay stands in the doorway, a look of shattered defeat falling over him.
"He's gone."
He said the words that I had been fighting against thinking.
Now the truth was slapped to my face, hitting me back into awareness of my surroundings.
When had it become day?
When had the night dissolved to reveal light?
Grandjay walks further in, his nose flaring at the scent that saturated the office. What did he smell?
Defeat? Sorrow? Maybe the blood of my flesh, the gaping wound in my chest- the agony of having such a thing ripped away.
He sits down in front of me, a deep sigh carrying into his bones as shoulders fall back to the chair, melting into the frame with a weary movement.
"You pay no attention to the warnings of others."
Something bubbles in me then. A new emotion.
My heart was gone, leaving me to revert back to the creature I had been before I received such a prize.
Wild. Angry. Reckless and Hungry.
"Why do you do that Soraya? Just to prove that maybe you can defy fate?"
Grandjay shakes his head, leaning further back in the chair as he lowers his gaze to me, "the moon goddess is merciless."
"Don't blame this on the Moon Goddess."
Grandjay blinks in surprise at me.
"She is testing you."
A bitter laugh flows out at me at such foolish words.
"She's not testing me. She's not to blame. Can't you see already?"
I hold my arms out, extending them to expose my full rotting soul.
"It's me. It's always been me. I'm the monster."
Grandjay is silent, staring at me with such sad eyes. I want them away. I want him to look somewhere else. To leave.
"You'll regret it the rest of your life. If you don't stop him now- if you don't go after him...You'll regret it."
I shake my head, ridding my mind of his words.
"I know that pain Soraya," he pleads to me, "I understand that pain."
"And my other?"
Grandjay looks down at the floor, his face blank as he says, "I...don't know...I never was able to experience or watch a child grow in my mate. I never had that moment." He looks back up, a new fire lit in his eyes as he pleads again, "you should find him Soraya. Bring him back. You need him."
"I do." I choke on my own words as my throat closes against me, "I do need him...but he doesn't need me. All I bring him is pain...I...I'm a murderer. I killed...I killed my child." I cling to my stomach, the air leaving me from my whispered confession.
I look up at Grandjay, meeting his shocked eyes- eyes that look at me in a new light. Like I am not the strong creature he always thought me to be. Another wave of sorrow runs through me that I was taking off my mask for him- unable to hold my face and remain strong. Now he saw me for what I really, all along had been hiding.
A weak, sad child.
"What I can't stop thinking about is that he was a part of Orion." His name burns my throat. "I killed a part of Orion."
A strangled sound leaves Grandjay. I look up to find tears in his eyes. He reaches out to me, but I pull back, my hands still wrapped around my body in an effort to keep from shattering once and for all.
"The child was yours also."
I nod, my face dry. No tears. No tears. It would not do to cry. What good would it do to cry. Metallic taste fills my mouth as I bite the inside of my cheek, letting the pain add on to the one of my soul. It would not help to cry.
No crying.
"I know," I whisper, finally getting enough hold on myself to answer Grandjay's question and say, "A piece of me died that day too."
* * *
Orion's absence is noticed.
Whispers circle around me, unease rising in the pack.
I had to hold on to it.
I hold my head up, answering their questions and anger with my own.
The meeting ended with a hush. A filled silence as I contemplated the males question.
"We need a Luna."
I stare down at him, watching as slowly, his legs begin to quiver, eyes dart away, sweat beads his brow.
"You don't need a Luna. You need an Alpha. You need me."
They shuffled out, eyes widened to the truth of my presence.
Eyes widened as they started to see the power I held.
Later that night, I walked out to the back porch, taking in the stars. I only came out to find one in particular. Only one star interested me.
My thoughts are interrupted as another presence makes itself known.
Leo slowly approaches me, his eyes looking upward also.
There is a silence between us. I watch from the corner of my eye as he inhales deeply- a breath of courage for his nerves before he turns to me with his question.
"I don't understand you."
I shift my position to face him, noticing for once that Leo had somehow grown taller than me. I had to look up just slightly to meet his eyes.
He pushes back his glasses, a nervous habit that I knew well.
"You don't need to understand me."
He pauses, holding still for a moment before he shakes his head.
"No. No I can't accept that answer anymore. I thought I could just watch but...But I don't understand."
"What do you not understand."
He looks down, eyes almost black in the darkness as he whispers, "why do you let go of everything but power?"
I turn to go back inside, my mind reeling against the question. I didn't want to answer it. Answering it would be admitting a truth that I had been hiding not only from the world- but also myself.
Leo's hand shoots out, stopping me from my retreat.
"Please."
I shake my head, pushing him away.
"Don't."
He steps in front of the door, blocking my path.
"Please. Soraya."
He has tears in his eyes.
I almost want to smile at him, to laugh and point out a truth I had discovered in my childhood.
Did you know Leo, crying doesn't help? You can cry as much as you want, for as long as you want- and it wouldn't save or help anything.
I inhale, wincing at how ragged it sounded.
"What is your goal Soraya?"
My goal?
"I...I don't know how to explain it."
"Just try. I can't do this anymore- follow you or watch you- unless I know why."
I close my eyes so I wouldn't see his face.
"They told me I was nothing. They told me I couldn't. Shouldn't. Won't. They told me I had no right. And I...I wanted it because I needed to know I was worth more than their words. But then I realized why they said no. It wasn't to protect me. It was because I really was nothing. But I couldn't think of that. I couldn't..." my words choke, stumbling over each other as I ramble out to Leo my scattered thoughts.
"I need to show to them that I am not broken." I felt broken. I felt so tired and broken.
"I need to show to them- to everyone that no one- no one- can break me." Tears are threatening to come. Silly girl. Silly me. I should know better.
Tears did not solve anything.
How long did I cry in those woods that day, how long did I scream, beg, plead- and nothing happened.
How long did I cry after that, with fire consuming my back.
How long did I cry as father turned his back to me, mother shut her door, and Leo consumed himself in sorrow.
How long did I watch them cry- all of them- until I saw the world for what it really was.
A cruel, dark space filled with nothing but pain.
Give me strength.
Make me strong.
Show that I am a shattered creature that had not been poorly glued back together. I collected my pieces, molding and melting them with liquid fire to forge something stronger that could withstand the world.
Give me strength, I pleaded. I pleaded.
Give me the strength to prove that I was not broken.
Though they left, though they all left- it meant nothing to me if my ribs encased themselves with steel over an empty space.
Give me strength.
So that I may never feel that pain again.
"It's as they say in training Leo. The harder the hit, the more painful is the fall. But the more you are hit, the number you become. The more it does not hurt. You become immune to such things. That's what I want. I want to be stronger than them- so that no one else may feel that pain."
I open my eyes to see tears falling from his face.
"Is that why he left?"
"I have to protect him from feeling that sorrow...and this time I was the monster who harmed him. So yes...he left because I'm still not strong enough to protect them." I expand my arms to encompasses the world. The pack. Leo.
Couldn't he see that was what I wanted? That was the goal I had dreamed of.
Acknowledge me. Acknowledge me.
I'll save you no matter how much you hate the monster I have become to do it.
"Soraya." Leo shakes his head, letting a drop of his sorrow fall to my skin.
His next words chill me, as they ring in my head, "Pain is pain. There is no immunity from it."