It had been nearly 8 months since Demi left me crying on her bedroom floor. The first week was absolutely horrendous. I would watch her stumble out into the night drunk and heartbroken. I was angry with her then. Not anymore. She was right. We had to stop. I left the ranch shortly after Demi ended things between us. I couldn't be around her. She had become moody and extremly self destructive. I couldn't handle it. My heart was broken and I couldnt stand to watch as she slowly destroyed herself. I left without saying goodbye. It was for the best.
Once I had told Nate about the pregnancy he was ecstatic. I reconnected with him and found the love that I had been missing. He never knew any different. I finally had my perfect marriage. He took care of me and loved me unconditionally. When I was with him, I almost forgot about Demi. Almost. I think that I will always carry a part of her with me. She'll always be my secret. A love that I'll never have. She deserved more than I gave her. I never told her that I loved her. And I did. I loved her so much and she will never know. That's the hardest part of this for me. I want her to know so badly, but it's just too late. I've moved on.
Taylor and Shane had gotten married a couple months ago. Their wedding like Nate and I's, was held at the ranch. It was a beautiful evening ceremony. I saw Demi but she wouldn't talk to me. She seemed to be doing ok. Taylor told me that she had been drinking a lot still, but she had more good days than bad days. I missed her, but it was a dull ache. Time was slowly healing my heart and I was grateful. I rarely thought about her at all anymore.
Nate had become my sole focus these past few months. I felt like I had fallen in love with him all over again. Without even realizing it, he helped heal the heartbreak his sister left me with. Once again he became everything I had ever wanted. I smiled as I watched him putting the baby's crib together. His forehead was scrunched in concentration. He looked like he was attempting to solve the mystery of how the universe was created, it was cute.
"I feel like I'm performing brain surgery." He laughed as he attempted to fit the pieces together.
"Babe, you went to Harvard you'll manage." I smiled at him.
"Somehow I doubt my law degree is going to save me right now."
"I believe in you." I said trying to sound serious. Our conversation was interrupted by my phone ringing. "Hello?" I said into the receiver.
"Hey Sel!" It was Taylor.
"Hey Tay! How are you doing?"
"I'm doing great. Just wanted to check up on you, Nate and the bun you have in the oven."
"We're good. Just anxious for her to be born."
"You and me both!"
"How's Shane?"
"Hes good. He's been working a lot. Demi has been back and forth between the ranch and LA a lot lately, so his workload is a little heavier."
I swallowed at the mention of Demi's name. "She must be recording or something."
"I don't think so..." She said trailing off. "Anyway, when are you guys going to be coming down here?"
"Probably a few months after the baby is born. We want to get adjusted and then bring her out so the family can spend time with her."
"I'm so excited!" Taylor gushed.
"We are too." I smiled.
"I hate to cut this short Sel, but i've gotta get going. Shane and I are moving the cattle back down to the pastures. It's going to be a long day for us."
"I'll talk to you soon. Bye Tay." I said as I hung up the phone.
I sat and continued to watch Nate as he built our daughters crib. As I watched him, I found my mind wandering to Demi. I knew that she hated flying so her constant back and forth trips to LA made no sense to me. She had to have a good reason to travel so often. I slowly began to realize my mind was beginning to wander to places it really shouldn't. Demi was behind me and I needed to leave her there. As I sat there trying to get my brain to get off the topic of Demi, my water broke.
"Umm...Nate." I said slowly.
"Yeah babe?" He replied slightly distracted.
"It's time."
"Ok." He said as he continued to work on the crib.
"Like now Nate. The baby is coming."
"Oh, holy shit!" He exclaimed jumping up.
He hurried through the house collecting the pre packed bag and various other things I had prepared for when the baby was born. He carefully and calmly loaded me into the car and drove to the hospital. Once we arrived, we checked in and got settled into the delivery room. At my direction, he made several phone calls to family to alert them that we were about to have the baby. Labor pains were horrendous. He held my hand and took care of me the entire time. Sixteen hours later we both became parents when I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. She was perfect.
The moment I held her in my arms, I fell in love. Nate looked completely stunned.
"Look what we did baby." He whispered as the tears fell from his eyes. "She's beautiful."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I woke to soft voices in the room. I was surprised to see Shane sitting in the rocking chair holding Gracie. I couldn't help but smile at how small she looked in his arms. Nate stood close by as he watched his brother hold his new niece.
"She's so awesome." I heard him say.
He glanced up and smiled at me when he noticed my open eyes. "Hey Sel."
"What are you doing here?" I asked him with him a soft smile.
"We flew out as soon as we heard you were in labor. We've been here for a few hours now." He answered.
"We?"
"Yeah. Demi's here too. We wouldn't miss this for the world. She's our first niece." He said as he kissed Gracie on the nose.
"I'm glad you guys came." I said, hiding the fact that the mention of Demi being here made me feel slightly panicked.
"Knock, knock." I heard her say as she poked her head in the door. "Hey." She said softly when saw that I was awake.
"Hey." I replied with a shy smile.
"Come on in Dem." Nate said.
She stepped through the door holding a bunch of flowers and a bag of food from Jack in the Box.
"This is for you." She said as she sat it down on the table and gave me a hug. "Good job." She said with a smile as she glanced over at Gracie.
"Thank you."
I watched as she walked over to Shane.
"Look at her Dem, shes perfect." Shane said.
"Hell yeah she is." Demi replied. "She's a Gray."
Nate laughed.
"Let me hold her." She said to Shane.
Shane stood up and carefully placed the baby in Demi's arms. I almost melted at how perfect they looked together. She carefully lowered herself into the chair. She never took her eyes off of Gracie. She looked mesmerized. I smiled as she started to softly sing to the new born. Nate and Shane stood on opposite sides of the chair. As I watched the three of them, I realized that child would grow up with so much love.
After about an hour or so, Nate and Shane left to go get some dinner. Demi stayed behind to help me with Gracie and to make Nate feel better about leaving. I didn't mind him going. He needed to eat and I enjoyed the alone time with Gracie. I was surprised that Demi was so quiet most of the time. She would ask if I needed anything from time to time, but she mostly stayed quiet and read her book.
"I'm glad you're here." I said to Demi as I looked down at my daughter.
"Me too. It's good to see you. Motherhood suits you."
"How have you been?"
"You know me, I manage." She says with a tight smile. "I got a cat." She says randomly.
"Aren't you allergic to cats?" I asked laughing.
"Yes. It's hairless and ugly as fuck." She says with a smile.
I continued to laugh. "Are we ok Dem?" I asked sobering up.
"Yeah." She said softly. "We're good."
"Friends?"
"Yeah. Friends." She said as she went back to reading her book.
Shane and Nate returned shortly after and Demi left. Something about her seemed different. She seemed too calm and indifferent. I couldn't really read her. I've never had that problem with her before. She usually wore her emotions on her sleeve. She seemed so guarded now.
"Sel." I heard Shane say. "You look like you're thinking real hard." He said.
"Yeah. I guess." I said my brow furrowing. "Demi seems a bit..."
"Off?" He asked interrupting me.
"Yeah." I said nodding my head.
"She been like this for a while now." He said. "She's going through something, but she won't talk about it so I just leave it alone."
"Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll pass." Nate added. "It always does."
"I'm seriously going to steal your baby." Shane said as he smiled at Gracie.
I laughed. "Go make your own!"
"Challenge accepted!" He said with a goofy grin.
Nate and Demi stayed in town long enough to help get me settled in at home once I was discharged from the hospital. I was actually sad to see them to go. It was nice to be around the family. The ranch had began to feel more like home than Chicago and I missed it terribly.
Gracie was amazing. She was probably the most well adjusted on the baby on the planet. She rarely cried. All the horror stories I'd heard about never sleeping and constant crying were not an issue for me. I slept when she slept and I was awake when she was awake. Nate was very hands on. Like me, he just couldn't get enough of her.
"Mom is anxious to see her." He said as he put her into her crib
"Mine too." I smiled. "She's kinda pissed Demi and Shane saw her first." I added, chuckling.
"I asked them to come. I was nervous. Knowing they would be here calmed me." Nate said with a shy grin.
"I figured."
Nate yawned. "I'm exhausted. Let's get some sleep before she wakes up."
We climbed into bed and I snuggled into his chest. I could smell his aftershave as I drifted into a peaceful slumber.
That night I had a dream about Demi. I saw her standing in front of a river. Her lips were moving but I couldn't hear what she was saying. She looked angry and she kept pointing to the water. I call out to her but she ignores me and jumps into the current. I run to the bank and look into the water, I can see her. Her lips are blue and her eyes are blank and glossy. I wake up slightly unnerved when I hear Gracie stir. It was a weird dream. I had to fight off the urge to call her and see if she was ok. I spent the rest of the night rocking in a chair holding my baby girl. I couldn't get Demi's lifeless expression out of my mind.