"They don't know what you've done to my heart"
The door slammed shut behind Malfoy, and if anyone had been left in the empty classroom, they would have seen me wince at the noise. Staring at the empty space where he'd been standing, I sunk onto the nearest desk and took a deep, shuddering breath.
It needed to be said. It did. I needed to distance myself from this thing. To put it behind me. To forget.
So why couldn't I stop seeing the wounded look on his face? Why couldn't I stop hearing the break in his voice? Why couldn't I stop feeling like I should chase after him?
I had a class I needed to get to, but my legs refused to carry me. Five minutes ago, I'd been in an absolute fury... Now, all I felt was numb. I couldn't remember ever shouting at someone with so much... so much passion. In the moment, it had felt good to scream at him. I'd done nothing but think for twenty-four hours, and I needed to get the anger out of my system. But in the aftermath, my stomach was twisting. It didn't feel good anymore - it just felt wrong.
Damn it, Rose. Pull yourself together.
Swallowing hard, I made myself stand up and pace, thinking it might help me clear my head, but it did no such thing. I must have spent a quarter of an hour walking back and forth, trying to banish the thought of Scorpius Malfoy from my mind. In the end, I was only moderately successful.
Glancing at my watch, I saw that my class had already started. I didn't want to go in late; it would only raise questions, and while I was a good liar, I really didn't feel like making up excuses at the moment. Instead, I decided to head to the library, where I would hopefully be unbothered until after lunch. With a cursory glance around the classroom to make sure nothing had been disturbed, I schooled my face into something neutral and slipped out the door.
I'd thought I was at least partially recovering my good sense, but was proven wrong when, rounding the corner into the library corridor, I ran smack into someone.
"Oh, bloody..." I exclaimed, and then trailed off as I registered the tall, stocky brown-haired Hufflepuff in front of me. "Oh," I said, my tone more embarrassed than surprised. "Hey, Andy."
Andy MacDowell smiled at me, tapping on his Head Boy badge as he said, "Hallo. Shall I have to take points from Gryffindor for your carelessness, Weasley?"
"You wouldn't dare, MacDowell," I replied, giving him a half-hearted smirk.
Andy and I weren't close friends, but we were plenty well acquainted. He'd always been the sweet, friendly type, and I enjoyed his company. We'd actually gone out briefly back in January, but I'd never had serious feelings for him. I wasn't sure if he'd had serious feelings for me. To tell you the truth, I'd mostly gone out with him because Scorpius' constant propositions were getting on my nerves. But he was nice when I broke it off, and things weren't awkward between us at all.
"Are you feeling alright, Rose?" I looked at him, and found his brow creased. "You look a bit pale."
I laughed, but it came out slightly strained. "Yeah, I... I'm fine. I've just not been sleeping well, is all." It was basically true. I'd slept hardly at all the previous night - I was too busy thinking about how well I had slept in the Room of Requirement, with Malfoy's arms around me. It was a bothersome fact.
Andy frowned. "Ah, that's too bad. Have you seen Madame Longbottom? Perhaps she could give you a potion or something."
"Yeah, that's... that's a good idea," I said, honestly just wanting to leave this conversation before I slipped up and exposed myself. "I might go over there now."
The brown-haired boy bit his lip, then said, "I was heading in that direction myself, actually. Do you want me to walk you?"
He had not been heading in that direction, which was perfectly obvious when one considered the way he'd been walking when I ran into him. Why was he offering to walk me? I looked at him, observing the way he glanced at me hesitantly, but didn't meet my eyes. He didn't seem uncomfortable; just... bashful, maybe. It could have been a stretch, but... did Andy still like me? As in, like like me?
I smiled softly. "I think I can find my own way, but thanks for offering." I put my hand on his arm and added, "We should get together and catch up sometime. It's really been too long."
I don't think I imagined the faint blush that crossed his cheeks as he cracked a grin. "Yeah, I... I'd like that."
"Good," I said, putting on the most careless smile I could muster. "Well, I guess I'll see you around, then."
Andy nodded in agreement, clearly happy with the end result of the conversation, and I trotted off in the direction of the hospital wing before my facade slipped away.
Of course, I wasn't actually going to get a sleeping potion from Madame Longbottom (to me, Auntie Hannah, because she was married to my parents' childhood friend Neville Longbottom, who taught Herbology), but something else had been nagging me and I wanted to ask her about it, in a discreet sort of way. It might be too late to do anything about it, but I figured I ought to make sure, in case there was still a way.
When I pushed through the double doors into the hospital wing, Auntie Hannah was just waving at a blonde girl heading for the door. I recognized her as Julia Addams, a fifth year who my cousin Lily sometimes hung around with. She wasn't the most upstanding person, and to be honest, I didn't like her much. She didn't return the bland smile I sent her way as she brushed past me, but I didn't really care. I just wanted to get on with my business as quickly as possible.
Hannah Longbottom caught my eye as I approached her, and a fond smile slipped onto her face. "Rosie! I feel like it's been ages since I've seen you."
I grinned, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "I know, awful, isn't it? I just can't seem to get sick."
She chuckled. "You know, I actually prefer to see people when they aren't ill."
"Well, I suppose that's good," I said, "since I'm not really in need of any care myself." It was going to take a bit of creativity to ask the question I needed to ask without exposing myself, but I had formulated a bit of a plan.
The nurse sighed, faking disappointment. "How sad. Why have you come, then? I don't suppose it was simply for the pleasure of my company."
I shook my head, smiling at her. "You must know, Auntie, I really do enjoy your company. But there is something..." Straightening my face, I glanced behind me to assure myself that we were alone before answering. "It's rather a delicate matter," I intoned, my voice low. I needed a promise that she wouldn't tell anyone about this conversation - especially not my mother.
Auntie Hannah nodded, understanding on her face. "Don't worry, darling... I know how to be discreet. I won't be gossiping about any student's business. What's on your mind?"
I looked away, then back at her. "It's not really about me, it's, um... it's for a friend. She... went out with a boy the other night, and things went... well, a lot farther than she expected them to, if you know what I mean."
The nurse sighed. "All too common a story, I'm afraid. I sometimes question the wisdom of keeping all these hormonal teenagers cooped up in this castle... it's a wonder we don't have more scandals on our hands."
I coughed. "Yes, that's... very true. Anyways, though, my friend and this boy... they weren't... prepared, if you know what I mean."
Hannah shook her head, frowning. "It happens. I wish people would come to me before they ended up in that situation; I hate that they put themselves at risk... for so many things." She folded her hands, looking at me. "So, what is it your friend needs?"
I bit my lip. "She was wondering if you had anything you could give her... that would combat any potential problems from that night. You know, like the morning-after pills that Muggles take... even though it's a bit later than the morning after."
The woman nodded, comprehending what I was asking for. "There is a potion... It would have been better to take it right after... the effectiveness rate goes down as time passes... but it can potentially work for up to a few days afterwards. I'll have to brew it, though. Do you have time to wait?"
"Of course," I said, smiling a bit too brightly. "I haven't got anything pressing to attend to."
Auntie Hannah smiled back at me. "Good, then I'll go back and start it straight away. I won't be long!" She patted me on the cheek, then twirled around and disappeared into her office.
Left alone in the room, I glanced around at the rows of empty beds. It was curious that nobody was ill, but then again, it was springtime, and there hadn't been a quidditch match this past week, so there were few opportunities for sickness or injury. I was glad there was nobody here, of course. It would have worried me if there was anyone to overhear the conversation - the story I'd spun left me personally untarnished, but it still would have been gossip that the supposed Gryffindor good girl was asking Madame Longbottom about birth control. Other people did it all the time, of course. It was no great event. But I... I was known by everyone - by the world - because of my parents. And this was not the kind of gossip they would want around their names.
I should have thought about all of that long before I ever did something as stupid as go out with Scorpius Malfoy. Should have thought about the risk I'd be taking. Should have thought about the chances of ending up exactly where I was now: lying through my teeth, deathly afraid of what was to come.
But no. I'd let myself get swept up in his charm, perhaps out of some longing deep within me to taste the forbidden fruit - not knowing it would be laced with poison.
Auntie Hannah returned before long, carrying a corked flask and something wrapped in brown paper. She passed the former to me, and then held up the latter. "These are pills," she said, "for your friend. Just in case she plans to make such encounters a... regular occurrence."
I laughed awkwardly. "I don't think she will... but, thanks." I took the package, then smiled gratefully at her. "I should go, Auntie, but I promise I'll try to come visit every once in a while."
Hannah pulled me into a brief hug. "Alright, darling. Try to stay out of trouble."
"I will," I told her, wishing I could explain that I was already in it. Then I turned and left the hospital wing before I felt inclined to tell her everything.
The potion and pills were both tucked discreetly in my bag as I made my way to the nearest lavatory. She'd said the effectiveness decreased with time - I wanted to take it as soon as possible. Just in case.
There were two other girls gossiping in the loo, but they hushed when I came in and I stood at the mirror braiding my hair until they glanced at each other and left. Now alone, I slipped the flask out of my bag and uncorked it, staring at it for just a moment before swallowing it in a few gulps. It tasted rather foul, but I supposed it wasn't meant to taste nice. It was meant to prevent things I didn't want to deal with, and I really hoped it would do its job. Otherwise... Well, I really didn't want to think about otherwise.
Just as I was returning the empty flask to my bag, I heard the laughs of at least two, or maybe more, girls approaching the door. I schooled my expression into something like innocence just as the door swung open and-
Shit.
I'd managed to avoid my friends the previous evening by skipping dinner and hiding in my dorm for the whole night. I knew I was going to have to talk to them eventually, and they would want an explanation... The problem was, I wasn't really ready to give an explanation. But here were Lysa and Lily, standing mere meters away from me, eyebrows raised.
I swallowed and tried to smile casually. "Hey."
Once I spoke, they immediately advanced on me, apparently prepared for interrogation. Lysa spoke first. "You didn't come back on Sunday night," she said. "Don't try to deny it. I waited up past midnight, but you were nowhere to be found."
"I wasn't going to deny it," I mumbled, staring at the floor.
"So what happened?" Lily exclaimed. "Did you two get on very well? What did you talk about? What did you eat?"
Merlin. I really didn't want to have this conversation. "Look," I sighed, "do we have to do this right now?"
"Yes!" This came from Lysa, who was standing with her arms crossed. "You've been avoiding us for more than a day, Rose. We want answers. It's not fair for you to keep us in the dark."
I fidgeted with the thick braid of red hair draped over my shoulder. "I know, I... I'm just not sure what you want me to tell you. Clearly you've already formed some ideas of your own... you know I didn't come back. Isn't that enough for you to figure it out?"
Lily sighed. "Knowing the basics of what we're assuming you did isn't the same as knowing what actually happened. We thought you might want to explain some of the details..."
"What you've assumed is true," I said, my voice colder than I'd intended. "We drank too much, and things went too far. It was a mistake. I barely remember a thing. I'm not speaking to him, and I'm definitely not going out with him again. Do you need any more details than that?"
My friends' eyes softened. Ly hesitated, then said, "I'm sorry if we're prying. I guess I should have asked this first... Are you okay?"
They may have been annoying as hell, but I had to appreciate that they knew me better than anyone. Lysa never asked that unless she could see that I wasn't. So maybe I should just be honest.
I shook my head slowly. "I don't know what to do with myself..." I whispered. "I don't know what to do with him. I don't know what's going to happen if my parents find out... or anyone else, for that matter. It's... it's all a grand mess."
Sighing, my friend wrapped her arms tightly around me, and I melted into them. I should never have tried to avoid Lysa and Lily; they knew me in a way nobody else did, and I trusted them both with my life. There was a comfort in knowing they would be there, no matter what happened next.
---
For the next week, Malfoy was as distant and reserved as I could have hoped for. Strangely, though, I found myself missing the way his eyes used to follow me everywhere I went. The way he used to sit up straighter when I walked into a room. The way he used to shoot me flirty grins when we passed each other in the halls.
Once in a while, I could have sworn I felt his stare resting on me, but when I looked at him, he was always doing something else. I hadn't actually seen his grey eyes since telling him off in that empty classroom, and I was starting to think about them a bit too often. What was happening to me? I would be sitting in class, diligently taking notes, and then I'd suddenly find myself pondering the way the light fractured through his platinum blond hair. It made me feel bloody insane, but I couldn't get him out of my head.
It was Friday, a bit more than a week since I'd last spoken to Malfoy. When I walked into DADA, Professor Howell was pacing back and forth, a mischievous smile on her face. The classroom was completely empty otherwise, which was strange, because class was due to start in a minute or two. But I soon got an explanation for the oddity.
Professor Howell halted her pacing for long enough to greet me. "Hallo, Rose," she said, still smiling. She was a newer acquisition, and tended to be less formal than some of the other professors - hence, first names.
"Hello," I said, smiling back at her. She was a little chaotic at times, but really a lovely teacher. I enjoyed DADA a great deal more because of her.
"We're doing something rather different today," she said, gesturing to the room around her. "I've already sent your classmates out on their assignments... You're going in pairs, so as soon as someone else- Oh, perfect! Scorpius, you've arrived just in time. Come over here and I'll explain what you two will be doing today."
I whirled around as soon as she said his name, and found myself finally looking into the silvery eyes I'd missed so much. I couldn't help the way my shoulders tensed; the way my heart sped up. Couldn't help the flush that spread across my cheeks. He stared at me silently for a moment, a wary expression on his face, then turned to our teacher with a half-smile on his face. "What was that you were saying, Professor?"
Professor Howell nodded. "You and Rose will be partnered for today's assignment."
"Which is...?" I prompted, trying not to freak out about the implications of this.
"Oh, hah! I do suppose I'd better tell you." The woman gave a breathy laugh, then said, "We're doing some practical application today. Flich has been having some issues with magical pests lately... You know, Boggarts and the like. So I'm sending you lot out into the school to hunt some of them down. Easy-peasy! Once you're done, I've made a deal with the other professors to give you the rest of the day off. So, let's see... I don't believe I've sent anyone to the seventh floor yet. Can you two handle that?"
We glanced at each other, then quickly away. "Certainly," I said, sounding more sure than I was.
"Marvelous. That's all, then! Off you go. Try to stay out of trouble!" Professor Howell winked at us, and returned to her pacing.
Without looking at Scorpius again, I turned and walked out of the classroom. I knew he was following, because I could hear his footsteps, but he stayed just behind me and didn't say a word. I was grateful - I needed a bit of time to figure out how I wanted to play this.
Was it possible I could get through this whole thing without talking to him at all? Unlikely. So was I going to be cordial, in a distant, reserved sort of way? Or was I going to be frigid and uptight, all passive condescension? The first felt risky, but the second felt impossible. After all, despite everything, I was hardly angry at him anymore. Maybe I could be nice... if I laid out some ground rules first.
We were just climbing the last flight of stairs up to the seventh floor. When we'd reached the top, I whirled around, deciding I was ready to lay down the law - and gave a flustered squeak. The blond boy's face was mere inches from mine, and betrayed no surprise at my sudden turn. Rather, his eyebrows were furrowed in something like determination, and before I could speak, he did.
"Rose..." Malfoy paused for a moment, perhaps expecting me to cut him off, but it hadn't even occurred to me. I was lost in his eyes. "I know you asked me not to talk to you," he continued, "but there's something I need to say. Afterwards, feel free to ignore me, but will you please hear me out?"
My heart had, most irrationally, decided to start racing. I scowled - more at it than at him - and nodded. He breathed deeply, then said, "I fucked up last week. Majorly. Not just with what happened, but also how I acted afterwards. I was just... I don't have an excuse, honestly. I was an ass. As soon as we woke up in that room, the first words out of my mouth should have been an apology. I know I hurt you, and I should have seen that right away. I should have taken responsibility, because I could have stopped the whole thing, but I didn't. So I guess I'm just trying to say... everything that happened was on me. I messed up, and I'm sorry."
Something melted in my heart as I listened to him speak. It was more than I expected from him, this kind of apology. He could very well have left the whole thing alone... but he didn't. He was acknowledging the fault. He was trying, really trying, to mend things. Even though I'd told him I was done. And I... didn't hate him for it.
Malfoy's grey eyes watched me, probably expecting to read anger or indignation on my face. After all, that was all I'd given him this past week. He seemed to hesitate for a second, then added, "I know it's asking too much for you to forgive me... But I-"
"Shut up," I said. Then I kissed him.