Why do girls always have to freak out when someone is giving birth? I mean, you're just freaking the person, who's about to deliver a life into this world, out even more.
"Noah, come on! You're so slow sometimes." Annalise continues tugging at my arms with surprising strength. I stumble along behind her and grunt as I trip over a step in the middle of nowhere. Thanks for the warning, Anna, much appreciated.
"I'm slow because I'm not in the mood. I haven't come out of my room in almost two weeks, the least you could do is appreciate the fact that I came out for a birth nobody wanted me to be a part of two months ago." I growl out through my clenched teeth. I haven't spoken to Blaze in the same amount of time, since I refuse to tell her what happened. I called Carly and she told me it definitely could have been what I thought it was. Or rather who it was.
"Yeah, about that, we'll talk later. I need to know why you've been MIA all of the sudden. I mean, Blaze hasn't even spoken a word to anybody, apart from Aiden and the kids. They want to know why Daddy only sees them every second day." Annalise glowers at me over her shoulder, still managing to pull my arm out of it's socket without breaking a sweat.
I know what I'm doing is... Moronic, and I know I am acting like a total butthead, but it's to protect my children and Blaze. I haven't really been able to talk to Blaze much, since she has been adamant on ignoring me unless I tell her what really happened that night, but the truth is, I'm not a hundred percent sure myself, all I know is that I have a very strong gut-feeling and let's just say my gut never lies.
"I know I haven't been my best self lately, but to be fair, Blaze can be a bit over-dramatic at times. She is making this out to be much... Yeah, well saying that would technically not be the truth, but she doesn't know what's going on and she's acting like this, imagine what she would do if she were to find out?" I ramble, having not spoken to another person with the intelligence level above a ten year old in two weeks. That's how smart my children are at their worst. It's frightening to know how developed pups can be compared to human children. I personally find that we are a superior species, do to our balanced mind functions, but Blaze reprimanded me since she's worked for the kindest humans on earth. I guess there are the best and the worst of each species. Rogues being our worst.
"Ugh, I'm not trying to be disrespectful and all, since you're like the brother I never had and I love you, but you're an ass." We stop in front of the maternal ward and I have to bite down on my tongue to stop myself from reminding her who's Alpha here.
"Listen to me, Noah, I'm saying this as your life-long best friend and the only person who doesn't give two devlins what your status is, if you really love her, you wouldn't treat her like this." She frantically searches my eyes for any sign or spark of emotion. I'd hate to disappoint her, but there isn't much left in me. Not being with my mate is quite draining... It could also possibly have something to do with the fact that I've been beating myself up over this for the past two weeks.
"I'm not trying to." I whisper, barely able to keep my voice from breaking. Ever since that night, I've felt like an imbecile and it feels like I have lost her again. Only this time, she's right here with me.
"Stop shutting her out. You love her, right?" I nod my head, sending an incredulous glare her way. What kind of a question is that? I love her more than anything, equal to my sister and our pups of course.
"Then show her. She can't smell that you love her. She needs that reassurance. And if you don't give it to her, she'll feel like it's all her fault and that there is something wrong with her." Anna's eyes plead with me to do what's right, but I don't think I can tell her yet. I can't do that to us, not now. Just when things were starting to become good again, a curveball is thrown and I'm back in the dog house.
"But she knows she's perfect to me. Goddess, Annie, I love her so much, and I wish she would just make the first move, but she isn't going to. She never did, and she never will. This relationship is a two-way street. I can't keep on running after her." I sigh and run my hands over my face, discreetly wiping the tear that escaped its prison.
"Noah," My head shoots up at the voice I've missed for these past two weeks.
"Love," I move forward, but she flinches backward. No. She cannot do this to me again.
"Love, please don't shut me out again. I need you in my arms more than I need to breathe and right now, I might collapse without you. Another minute and I would be in the psych ward for going mad." I try to inch closer, yet Blaze's intentions differ. She inches closer to the entrance of the clinic, rather than towards me. I'm practically groveling, yet she doesn't budge. This feels pathetic- no, I am pathetic.
"Don't. I don't want to hear it now." She grits out and turns to leave, but my words stop her,
"So, two weeks isn't enough time for you? Do you need another four years, is that it? Tell me now, Blaze, because going back and forth like this every time we disagree on something, or when things get slightly more difficult for us, isn't going to help us progress in our relationship." I growl out, not able to stop myself after two weeks of silence and finally convincing myself that it's not just my fault. I might be keeping something from her, but she's only making it worse with the distance. Then again, she always was good at running away.
It's never been my fault alone, and now I can see it clear as day. She does this every single time. She pushes me away. I don't push her away. She takes the first step to walk away, not me. She is the one who always made things seem more serious than it has to be.
I am done playing puppy for another person who doesn't seem to find it hard to leave me. In fact, I'm almost convinced that it was too easy for her to leave, like risking my life as well as hers and the pups' lives wasn't worthy enough to spare. No, blame me because of my fears for not wanting children. Sure, I was harsh and crude about the whole ordeal, but that doesn't change the fact that I would have stayed by Blaze's side through-and-through. I suspect it to be crystal clear now that she wouldn't have if I had done something she feared and didn't want, because at the first sight of a bump in our rollercoaster ride, she jumped cabin and fled off to La La Land.
"It's fine. I'm done. You hear me? I am done being the one who always goes crawling back to you. I am an Alpha and I haven't been acting like one for the past five years since I have met you. Maybe I should make a change, because distancing yourself from me has been proven multiple times to not have the same affect on you than it has on me." I turn on my heel, almost leaving, but then I think different of it and lightly shoulder past Blaze. I might be enraged by her right now, but I wouldn't hurt her.
"Noah, that was a bit..." Anna touches my shoulder to stop me from barging through the delivery room doors. I pause as the screams of Alice fills the otherwise silent room, the nurses staring wide-eyed at their angered Alpha storming through the clinic.
"What? Harsh? Don't give me that. I am over all of these childish games. I love her, Anna. That's as simple as it is, yet to her, our relationship is the most complicated and overwhelming experience ever. I understand it to some extent, but running away isn't always the answer. In fact, it barely qualifies as a last resort." I fold my arms across my chest to keep me from punching the wall.
"Wow, thanks for having such sympathy about how I view our rocky relationship. You're the one who's lying about something and you distanced yourself from me this time. You know, you never speak to me about how you feel, yet you go around, telling everyone else." I sigh and turn around, ready to rain cruel words onto her parade and burn her with the truth, but seeing my Love on the verge of tears makes my hardened exterior melt away faster than I rebuilt it when I saw her for the first time today.
"To be fair, you won't let me say anything to you. After the birth, make sure to go crying to Aiden since that's all you could do the entire time we've been together, and even before that. I hate to say it, but I don't care about your tears right now. You wouldn't be crying if you didn't feel like what I said was true, even just a little bit. This time, I'm not going to try to fix anything. The ball is in your court, as always." I make my way towards one of the many chairs in the waiting room, too small for me to fit in comfortably, but all I've been doing these past few days, was workout in my room to get rid of the thoughts about my unrelenting mate.
"Noah, that's not how you fix things." I roll my eyes at Anna and move to stand up, but she places a hand onto my shoulder to stop me. I look up at her pleading gaze and catch a brief glimpse of Blaze's distraught figure sitting next to the door of the delivery room. Her eyes are screwed shut and she's leaning against the wall, her yoga pants have food stains on them and she has one of my shirts draped over her shoulders, yet she still looks flawless as ever. I'm a man of my word.
"Yeah, I know Anna. I'm done fixing things though, since it clearly gets me nowhere." I glare at the tears slowly marching down Blaze's cheeks, and the feeling of remorse embeds itself into my chest, but I'm relentless. I'm done being the little pup who always runs when its owner calls. I'm a goddess damned Alpha and I will not be told any different, by anyone.
Not Anna.
Not Aiden.
Not Aaron.
Not Phillip.
Not. Blaze.
If she wants to push me away, she will not see the side of me that I only let her catch a glimpse of. She will not wear my clothes. She will not speak to me the way she used to. She will regret pushing me too far. I might be in the wrong, but I am done being someone that gets hurt all the time.
"Feisty, I'm so happy you're here! Come meet your godchild." I look up at the pair in front of me. Always running back to Aiden. Mates be damned I guess. Alice is in the room, exhausted and probably feeling disgusted by herself since she's a hygiene freak, but no. He prefers talking to Blaze.
That's how it will always be.
Blaze will always choose Aiden over me and I will always be left behind, feeling like an idiot. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Maybe Veronica's visit wasn't that bad.
I do need a distraction and even though she's a manipulating vixen, I could still use her for my own pleasure. Truth is, I haven't been sleeping due to my fear of a revisit, but tonight I'll go to bed to welcome her with open arms, since that's what I'm good at right?
I ruin our relationship. Might as well own up to the accusations.